I just really feel like crap. Hopeless. Depressed.

[AriaIncognito]

It's only been 6 days since the breakup and going on NC and I feel god awful. I keep wishing he'll contact me and tell me that he was able to think about things and realized he wanted to be with me. Foolish wishes, I know. I wish I could make them stop. I feel ridiculous. I want to be over him. I don't want to feel like this every day. Crying at home, crying at work. I feel like I'm emotionally unstable. I realize it hasn't even been a week yet, but still, I should start feeling better. I should stop thinking about him being gone every 3 seconds. I should realize that I will find love again.

 

So, why am I unable to? I guess I'll cry more now. I hate love. I should resign to getting cats. I just feel so, defeated.

 

Jennifer

[GW7147]

aria,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. However, if you think about it, you had somebody in your life that you cared for very much and that was suddenly taken away. Now, you're faced with not having that person by your side and worse yet, you have no contact whatsoever. I'm sure you've read many threads on this site. I can sit here and tell you to keep yourself busy and concentrate on yourself. Realistically, no matter what I say, you're going to have to be the one to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and put forth the effort to turn things around. Of course, I've been in your shoes and I realize, it's no fun to feel this way. I've been NC for about 8 weeks now.

I can honestly say, I had a terrible time at first, thinking I would never feel better and would never get over my ex. I still think about her and wonder why things happened the way they did. Since the breakup, I decided it would be in my best interest to do whatever possible to make myself get back to where I needed to be. I thought, if the opportunity ever presented itself where my ex saw me out or called me, I would be in a good frame of mind, as well as, looking and feeling better. In the event, I never see her again, somebody else will see me with a positive attitude and feeling good and confident. Since my breakup, I started riding my bicycle (I ride 80-100 miles a week now), I work out and I got back into golfing. I really enjoy doing those things and they make feel pretty good. I'm getting to the point where I beleive my ex is the one who lost out. Her loss. I'm working on myself and improving things about myself that make me feel good. I could almost guarantee, my ex is doing no such thing. I'm just about at the point, where if I ran into her, I would feel good about bouncing back and having a positive attitude.

Invest time in yourself for now. Do things you enjoy (you know the drill). It's not always easy to take the first step but force yourself if you have to. In time, you'll be feeling better and it will provide you with the strength to take further steps. Before you know it, you'll look back and say "I've come pretty far and I feel good". Granted, you'll think about the ex for a while but, the sting of the breakup will lessen and it will become easier with each passing day. The feelings you're having can be pretty intense and are difficult to overcome but you know you can do it. Think about making yourself happy and then being able to take that happiness and applying to other aspects of your life.. I wish you all the best. Be strong my friend!!

Regards, GW

[AriaIncognito]

Thank you so much for your reply, GW. I've actually already started the "working on myself" process. The day after we broke up, I took my ass to the gym. I worked out for the first time at the gym in 2 years. I've done some off and on exercising at home, you know, walking or riding the stationary bike, but I've been meaning to rejoin the gym and start lifting weights again, for i feel that if i do that, eventually I'd have my body in a more healthy shape.

 

I really didn't want to go to the gym on Thursday, but I forced myself, and I felt proud while doing it. I even ran on a treadmill for the first time in my life. Only for 1 minute, but that's more than I'd ever done before. (walked the rest of the 30 minutes). I went to the gym last night, and ran 2 minutes this time. I felt good about myself for going last night, too. However, I do find myself looking at couples there, and getting sad. Wishing it were me. I guess I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Somehow, I need to be able to fall in love with my life as it is, and if i find love, great, if i dont, i'm not dead...that's where I need the work.

 

Again, thanks for the reply, and hopefully, keep em coming. I've already cried twice today. Sigh. I miss him. But i know I can't contact him. Like you say, they know where you are, if they change their minds, and well, if they do contact you, maybe you'll already feel so great and have moved on. I can only hope that will happen for me.

 

Jennifer

[fabulousgal]

Aria,

 

I have spoken w you a few times on IM. Anyway, the crying spells you are going through are normal. For 2-3 weeks after my breakup I ran into the bathroom every few hours at work. I couldn't (and still can't) get him out of my mind. I think, what if I did this different, that different, it must be all my fault. I finally sought counseling and am slowly working on getting out of this depressed mood. Slowly somewhere I do now have thoughts: well I gave all I could and guess what I'm not perfect. Someone will love me for the great things I do and my little pesky quirks. I have a good heart, and can't expect myself to always be in a good mood or not have annoying traits. My partner sure did, I just overlooked them bc to me I liked him enough to look past it.

 

The above poster is right, I began to think: what little worth am I showing of myself to be defeated like this. If I ever run into this person, I want to be the super confident girl I was wayyyy before he entered my life. I've had a lot of trouble getting out and about, and I commend you for already taking those steps so early on. Allow yourself to grieve, but please take my advice and do not get wrapped up in negative thinking. This has been my weakness, and I am trying to work on it.

 

For you to show love, is human, for you to be hurt is human. Just keep in mind that you want someone that can accept you whole rather than having conflicts bc "I thought I'd marry a certain way"....

 

Someone suggested that I take him off the pedestal, and put myself back on it. I think that is great advice.

 

[Nedved28]

Your really doing the right thing Aria by going to the gym!! I myself work in a gym and i find exercise is the best way to take your mind off your ex and focus on yourself. If you do find yourself thinking about him when working out you turn it into postive thinking by pushing yourself that extra bit further and telling yourself your gonna be in the best shape of your life and that its his loss that he losing you!! The exercise will do you good!! Go to an instructor if you already have'nt and get a program from him or her!! Give yourself a goal!! It'l be a new begining for you Aria!!!

[trillium]

Sorry you're feeling so down.

 

I’m three weeks with NC. And it’s hard. I want nothing more than to talk to him. I go through periods where I’m absolutely convinced he’s going to contact me only to realize he’s not. And even if he called, I doubt things would be any different. It would be a walk down the same road since any real change would take time. That’s not comforting to my heart, but my head is starting to catch on.

 

One thing that’s always helped me in the past is “telling the story“. When I

divorced, it helped me to talk about it as much as possible until I didn’t need to tell the story anymore. Maybe it’s a female thing to collectively process every last detail a hundred times. Right now I’m letting everyone in my circle know what happened both to keep it real for myself and to get the story out of my system.

[Diver012]

I think it really does help to tell the story. You can communicate that by writing here. I myself keep a journal. I havent written to it in a few days and thats telling me im slowly starting to move past things. Its hard sometimes because im still saddened by it all. I am beginning to accept the first thing she told me when we broke up.. Its nothing you did wrong.

 

Talk with friends, write down your feelings. Exercise... Do something Nice for youself... just for you. I like to come here and vent, but also offer advice.

 

I am suddenly talking with a few friends I have met here and doors are starting to open elsewhere in my life. People with a lot more character and friends than my Ex ever had. The reason these doors were closed for me before, is because these people never liked my Ex to begin with. Now that shes out of the picture, they are actually grateful and are telling me she did me a favor.. hehe.. I am beginning to realize that they are right.

[AriaIncognito]

You're definitely right about that trillium. I've definitely been telling anyone and everyone that will listen. Hell, I even went to the dentist today (i've been going to him since I was like, 9, so he knows me well and I feel i can be open with him). Anyway my dentist is Jewish, so I even asked him about his family, if all his children married in the faith, what it meant to him, etc. I just keep trying to seek a reason as to why we broke up. I guess I'll never really know his true reasons, unless we discuss someday long from now, or unless he comes back and states why he took time and wants me back...

 

Anyway, like you, I keep telling myself that we were on a break for 6 days last time, and well, he couldn't come to a conclusion that fast then, so I don't see why he would now. I'm almost putting some trust/faith in the fact that he is indeed thinking about things, for himself, if not for both of us. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. If i meant something to him and he thinks he could want a shot with me, maybe he is. I keep trying to make deals with myself. You know "at least make it until July X until you consider contacting him. see how you feel then" type things. I know I shouldn't be planning contact at all, and I dont know that I am planning it per se, but I'm trying to come up with a time that I could potentially be OK with NC, and get to that point where I'll be "allowed" to contact, but won't "need" to. Does that make sense to anyone?

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

I am beginning to accept the first thing she told me when we broke up.. Its nothing you did wrong.

 

Talk with friends, write down your feelings. Exercise... Do something Nice for youself... just for you. I like to come here and vent, but also offer advice.

 

I am suddenly talking with a few friends I have met here and doors are starting to open elsewhere in my life. People with a lot more character and friends than my Ex ever had. The reason these doors were closed for me before, is because these people never liked my Ex to begin with. Now that shes out of the picture, they are actually grateful and are telling me she did me a favor.. hehe.. I am beginning to realize that they are right.

 

He told me the same thing. Said I was wonderful. I did nothing wrong. To be honest, I know I did nothing wrong, in my head. I treated him like gold, and loved him with every fiber of my being. He saw it, he knew it. He felt it. The conflict is all on his side, and he doesn't want to keep hurting me. He kept saying he didn't know what would happen in the future, but that he wanted me to move on and not be hurt now, as his hot/cold was visibily hurting me and he couldn't stand to be hurting me because he cares about me. Yeah i know some of you will say that was a line and that he just wants me to move on (and doesn't care about the hurting me thing) but I honestly believed his intentions. He cried so much when I was trying to get off the phone and whatnot, that i know this was painful for him, but he was doing what he felt was right for me. He told me he could have just as easily kept going in our relationship as it was, but that it wasn't fair to me. I don't know, I guess I'm just hopeful that maybe, with time, he'll see what we had, and have more clarity to whatever he was confusede about, and beg me for a chance. I know I should live life, and be as happy as I can, and improve myself in any ways I see fit NOW and not wait around for him. I don't want to wait around for him, per se, but right now, I also know I'd be of no use to anyone else. That wouldn't be fair to any new man I were to date. I need to be in a better place before that can happen.

 

People say you get a week for every month or something, so that would make it another 3 weeks til i start to feel normal. lol. 1 down.

 

I'm just glad i have somewhere to vent, and people who will listen. I tell my friends as well, but of course, I don't want them to get tired of hearing me whine (lord knows I'm tired of hearing myself whine).

 

On a positive note, I didn't cry as often today...yet. LOL

 

Keep the posts coming, I appreciate it.

 

Jennifer

[trillium]

I keep trying to make deals with myself. You know "at least make it until July X until you consider contacting him. see how you feel then" type things. I know I shouldn't be planning contact at all, and I dont know that I am planning it per se, but I'm trying to come up with a time that I could potentially be OK with NC, and get to that point where I'll be "allowed" to contact, but won't "need" to. Does that make sense to anyone?

 

Jennifer

 

Oh yeah.....I'm making those kind of deals with myself too. And I'm hoping too that I'll reach the point where it'd be okay to contact but I won't need to make contact. Maybe it's easier to set short milestones and just keep setting them a bit longer until we've weaned ourselves. It's a lot of pressure to put on yourself when you write it out as the big nebulous forever.

 

This coming weekend will be a major hump for me. The idea had been floated that I join him and some of his friends (meeting them for the first time) in NH. I expect that to add an extra note of sorrow, so I've got the word out that I need to be busy, busy. After this weekend, I will no longer have any idea what his plans are or where he is. That's quite a relief.

[trillium]

Do something Nice for youself... just for you.

A very good friend of mine told me that I should declare the month of July my month! And in this month I should be extra nice to myself and let things be a bit loose. No buying a sports car of course, but maybe some chocolate chip muffins! He even insisted I plan out a "mental health day" which for me consisted of riding my bike to the lake, lunch at a nice restaurant I've never tried followed by a massage.

 

If July comes and goes and I'm still feeling down, my month can be renewed for August.

[Guest]

omg its been almost three weeks of no contact except for the weekends where he comes over to drop off my mail and ONLY drop my mail short and simple. You see i was living with him for a year and went out with him for five years. Can anyone tell me if he didnt want to be with me why drop my mail off??

right now i can honestly say i did MOSTly all the things i should have done when i lived with him, i always lagged about going to the gym and now i have a membership and lost 5 pounds and i just started last week. I know this is hard believe me i get sick to my stomache kinda like withdrawel symptoms just not seeing him or tlaking to him...but my friends always are there and tell me that if he wants to contact me he will and The one thing you DONT want to do is to nagg him as much as you miss him. Right now i love him and miss him, but theres nothing left for me to do if he wants out. I really was dependant on him and now i feel more independant and i feel good., i analyze it and i really feel like its his loss. Believe me know your worth and he loves you as much as you love him. he will show it.

[foolishinobi]

ey.. check out yanskie.blogspot.com

 

 

its my friend's blog... lots of things could help you out especially the last part.. read it.. juz read the last part..

[Diver012]

Thats a nice read. Very Nice

[Teacher's Pet]

Here's a piece of advice my therapist gave me yesterday (yes, I paid for it, and I freely share it with my new family here...)

 

There are three things humans need in order to survive:

 

1. Food

2. Water

3. Shelter

 

Everything else is a desire or want.

 

We don't NEED to be in love in order to survive. We don't NEED a partner. We want them because it would make us happy, but it doesn't sustain us physically.

 

When we feel hurt from a breakup and it feels like life is over, just remember that as long as you have the above 3 things... YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER AND YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE...... Remembering to just survive is the first step, and once we focus on our routine that maintains those 3 things (i.e. work, family, etc.), the faster our heads clear to let us pursue our WANTS. That's why the whole "now it's time to work on yourself" is so important. We're all hurting here, but it's up to US (not an ex or a potential NEW partner) to "stop the pain". Just get back to basics. Get out and do things. Go to work (or like in my case, get a new job - since I'm burned out on my current one, which adds to my personal despair), go to the gym (helps build a new self-image), and of course, indulge yourself.

 

What I found so far (it's been 9 days) that works is to indulge in things your ex doesn't like, and didn't share with you when you were together. I went to a baseball game the other night. If she and I were still together, she wouldn't have gone anyway, because she HATES baseball. It's hard to dwell on someone you miss while doing something they wouldn't share in with you in the first place, right? In a little while I have to leave for class (she wouldn't be there with me, right?) and tonight, I'm going into NYC to work on some "career development" for myself (I'm an entertainer, which was something I never really shared with her too much during our relationship)..... The good thing about my chosen entertainment career (I've been a standup comic in NYC for 8 years) is that comedy is borne of sadness and despair, and every time I've gone through rough times, I've come out a better performer, with newer and more interesting things to talk about... after this breakup, I should be the next Jim Norton with all my frustrations towards women!

 

Well, that's just my 2 cents (ok $30 copay) worth.

 

TP

[AriaIncognito]

Wow, as bad as I felt yesterday, multiply it by about 1 million, and that's how I'm feeling so far today. This, is not good.

 

 

Jennifer

[dividebyzero]

so sorry to hear you are suffering that much. i hope you will feel better soon.

 

maybe you should consider therapy? there's no shame in seeking professional help. talking to a neutral person may make you see the whole situation from another point of view.

 

hang in there

[GW7147]

Hi Jennifer,

Sorry to see you're still having a difficult time. It's a big hurdle isn't it? After reading and responding to your posts yesterday, it seems you're trying to do whatever necessary to help yourself get over this situation (the gym etc...). Sometimes, the only thing that will help is time. Probably the last thing you wanted to hear. I don't know if you ever read the thread about "Let Them Go". I would attach it to this post but I'm a moron and couldn't do it!! Anyway, if you haven't already heard it, it was pretty good. Many listened to it and posted positive responses. In Sync posted it in a thread on 6/12/06. It was titled " If You're Struggling With No Contact, Listen With An Open Mind" under the Coping section. It may give a little insight about where you are and what may help you feel differently about your situation. It's about 30 minutes, so if your at work etc...you may have to listen to it later.

I wish there were an easy answer to resolving all of these feelings you're having. You need to keep telling yourself, things are going to be O.K. and you'll get past this. Don't let your ex consume you like this. Rise above it and try and prove to yourself how strong you can be. Everytime you're overwhelmed by feelings, try and refocus your thoughts and think about something else. I know it's tough. I work from my home. It gets pretty quiet sometimes and my mind can definitely wander. I'm confident that one day, you'll look back on this situation and it will all be just a faint memory. Hang in there Sweetheart!!

GW

[fabulousgal]

Jennifer,

 

That 30 minute audio file is very good and inspiring. I know exactly what your going through. Please be proud of yourself for doing the smallest things like going to the gym, or even showering haha.

 

GW,

 

I work from home too and it's horrid! Private Message me sometime if you get bored.

[trillium]

Sorry you're having such a bad day. What everyone has said about the audio clip is true. It's worth a listen.

[Diver012]

You will feel better soon. Its been 2 months for me and I still walk around and wonder why things ended. Hard not to do that when you were never told why...

 

We are all here for you, and your friends and family are there for you too.

 

You are not alone

[AriaIncognito]

I listened to the whole lecture, and while I see truth in it, I guess i fall into category 2 of people. I know it applies to me, but i dont want it to. I'm still not willing to let him go.

 

I dont know when I will be willing.

 

And that sucks.

 

Jennifer

[copper]

Anyway, like you, I keep telling myself that we were on a break for 6 days last time, and well, he couldn't come to a conclusion that fast then, so I don't see why he would now. I'm almost putting some trust/faith in the fact that he is indeed thinking about things, for himself, if not for both of us. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. If i meant something to him and he thinks he could want a shot with me, maybe he is. I keep trying to make deals with myself. You know "at least make it until July X until you consider contacting him. see how you feel then" type things. I know I shouldn't be planning contact at all, and I dont know that I am planning it per se, but I'm trying to come up with a time that I could potentially be OK with NC, and get to that point where I'll be "allowed" to contact, but won't "need" to. Does that make sense to anyone?

 

Jennifer

 

 

I swear your head is the same as mine. Everything you say mirrors how I am feeling.

 

I also have "deal" with myself. I have told myself to wait a month (I'm 2 weeks in so far) before even seriously considering feeling alright about contacting him. Kind of a one-day-at-a-time approach. I think it's just too devastating and defeating and final to focus on the mindset that you will never ever ever see him or talk to him again -- it just feels like punishment, and makes you want to rebel. It's like telling an alcoholic that they can never drink again for the rest of their lives and expecting them to be comforted by that thought. Mind you, they CAN'T ever drink again, but it's much easier to heal if you tell them to "just make it through today. deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes."

 

Today I managed to not contact him, though I went as far as typing out a text message. I'm glad I didn't send it. It's too early; I know I'm not nearly strong enough for our relationship to work right now; I'm a mess. However things work out we both need time. You two need time.

 

He's coming back to town in 2 weeks after a lot of travelling. Last thing I want is for him to come back, decide to contact me for whatever reason, and find me in this mess on the floor, apartment a mess, unshowered for a couple days, all skinny from not eating, with absolutely no plans for myself, hating living in Hollywood and with barely any self-worth.

 

There is a part of me I think that wants him to feel bad for me and come back because I'm doing so badly, but I absolutely know that that is NOT a way to build a relationship - it's a sure way to destroy it even further. So I have to consciously push these unhealthy urges away.

 

The way I see it right now, these next 2 weeks I HAVE to get myself together, at least somewhat. Mostly for myself. I mean, it HAS to be for myself first and foremost, I know this. But I still hold on to the hope that MAYBE after this time of NC we will find a way to work it out, and I would want to be strong enough in myself to do the right thing. I mean 2 weeks is not nearly enough time of course, but at least its a GOAL, something to reach for, a reason to start getting out of bed NOW.

 

Anyway I hope that maybe some of what I said will ring true for you, or help you in some way. I really would like to see how things work out for you, and I'm glad there's someone else going through such a similar situation. It makes me feel a little stronger, being able to see my situation in someone else, and to be able to have a different, outside perspective on things.

[GW7147]

Good Morning Jennifer,

Hope you're feeling better than yesterday. Unfortunately, it seems this whole situation will most likely boil down to time and allowing yourself to heal as each day passes. In the meantime, continue to do the things you've been (gym etc..). That and keep posting and expressing your feelings on LS. I agree with you in your most recent post, it is hard to let go. As much as I didn't want to let go of my ex, I knew it was time for me to look after myself. I still have thoughts of her (what she's doing, thinking etc...). That's probably the biggest thing I'm trying to get away from at this point. I want to turn that corner and stop thinking about why our relationship ended. I too, have to realize that it will be time that will get me past that obstacle and help me move on. Stay strong!! GW

 

Hey Fabgal,

I hate to use this thread as a venue to respond to your previous post but, I can't seem to access the private message function. I'll work on getting access and in the meantime, I'll be floating around LS!! Have a great day!!

Regards, GW

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks for checkin in on me GW. Today was so/so I guess. I was so busy at work that I really didn't have much time to obsess, which is good. I still miss him though, and want him in my life. Time shall tell, on what my heart does (let's go completely or gets a shot at love).

 

I'm hoping still, for the latter...

 

Jennifer