friends take advantage of each other?

[Billy]

I always think that if a friend were to take advantage of me, i wouldn't regret losing him/her since such friendship is meaningless. But then my mother told me that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. So her advice to me was that I should just turn a blind eye or be alone all my life. She said that my approach to friendship is not practical, even though it *did* work at school( i just graduated and discovered that someone who's supposed to be my " friend"-she graduated 2 years before i did- has changed after she found a new boyfriend. She's so selfish and put me in such a difficult position just so to satisfy her own desire)

 

So what do you think? Should I keep my principle to friendship (thus to life) or should i turn a blind eye?

[the falsely accused cat]

I don't agree that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. Yes, lots do but not everyone. Good people who value honesty, integrity, friendship, honor and mutual respect *don't* take advantage of others, particularly friends. A true friend is someone who gives, not takes.

 

I always think that if a friend were to take advantage of me, i wouldn't regret losing him/her since such friendship is meaningless. But then my mother told me that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. So her advice to me was that I should just turn a blind eye or be alone all my life. She said that my approach to friendship is not practical, even though it *did* work at school( i just graduated and discovered that someone who's supposed to be my " friend"-she graduated 2 years before i did- has changed after she found a new boyfriend. She's so selfish and put me in such a difficult position just so to satisfy her own desire) So what do you think? Should I keep my principle to friendship (thus to life) or should i turn a blind eye?

[Tony T]

As you go through life, you will find a few friends who will genuinely care for you and will want your companionship for its sake only.

 

The rest are acquaintances. Some will be there for situational reasons, such as school classmates, co-workers, etc. and the users will be around because you have something they want...influence, a pick-up truck to help them with their next move, money, a big house, etc. Acquaintances can be quite sincere. The users are not.

 

Some users are so used to using people they actually think they make good friends. They simply lose sight of the fact they go from person to person just to use them. It just becomes automatic for them...they won't have anything to do with anybody unless there's something in it for them.

 

Users are usually those who fake being your friend but care nothing about you at all but are looking to the future for something they perceive they might get from you. And, believe me, they can put on academy award performances. It could take a long time to identify them.

 

The number of users is probably equal to the number of sincere people. The types you encounter in your own life depend on the vibes you put out, whether or not you appear as someone another can use for something, and your ability to spot users. Once you have identified them and let them know you are aware of their game, you will NEVER see them again. Since you know what they're all about, they no longer have the ability to use you and, therefore, have no reason to be around you.

 

Oddly enough, users can also be sincere when they find a person for whom they really care.

 

So your mother may be close but I don't agree with her general statement. I think you get better over time identifying those who are insincere and getting them out of your life pronto. That's the wisdom she ought to be teaching you.

 

There are many great and wonderfully sincere people who make superior friends and mates and are there for life. Identifying them is a skill most people take a long time to learn. Those who never learn just remain delusional about the people around them.

 

Go figure.

[BeenThere]

While your mother's statement holds some truth, I can't whole-hearted agree with her advice on how to deal with this harsh fact of life. Suggesting that you should "turn a blind eye" is the same as telling you to stumble though life in a fog of denial. And I don't believe that a person's ability to disconnect themselves from unhealthy friendships/relationships necessarily means they are doomed to spending the rest of their lives "alone." As a matter of fact, people who are introspective, confident and comfortable with themselves don't feel a need to be surrounded by hords of dysfunctional friends. Their identity isn't determined by their popularity or by how many friends they have. Instead, they seek *quality* rather than *quantity* and their lives are a whole lot happier and healthier because of it.

 

As for your female friend, I wouldn't be too hard on her. This often occures in platonic male/female friendships when one or the other finds a mate. Another harsh fact of life, but it seems you have already aquired the skills to deal with it. Friends and lovers will come and go. We adjust; we make do, and move on. And with each friendship or relationship we learn a little something about the world and about ourselves. That's what we're all here for.

 

Live and learn, friend. Live and learn...

 

I always think that if a friend were to take advantage of me, i wouldn't regret losing him/her since such friendship is meaningless. But then my mother told me that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. So her advice to me was that I should just turn a blind eye or be alone all my life. She said that my approach to friendship is not practical, even though it *did* work at school( i just graduated and discovered that someone who's supposed to be my " friend"-she graduated 2 years before i did- has changed after she found a new boyfriend. She's so selfish and put me in such a difficult position just so to satisfy her own desire) So what do you think? Should I keep my principle to friendship (thus to life) or should i turn a blind eye?

[Tony T]

Great answer!

[arthropod98]

i've been dealing with this type of thing a good deal recently, and i can only tell you my approach.

 

i began "categorizing" the people in my life. i don't mean to DOWNPLAY "friendships", per-say, because they are important, and they can be VERY fulfilling! BUT, this was the way i could make myself feel better about the people in my life, and keep myself from being CONSTANTLY disappointed.

 

i can count on one hand my TRUE friends, and i am PERFECTLY content with that! there are also "acquaintances" -- the people that i socialize with, but don't really expect to be there for me, because they HAVEN'T in the past. believe me, my stress level and overall disappointment in people has drastically gone down!

 

many people may not like this approach to dealing with people, but it makes things MUCH easier for me.

 

for what your mother says, some people can do the "blind eye" approach, and it WORKS for them! can't do that myself, because it makes me feel used.

 

give me 2-3 TRUE friends that are there for me, and i'm there for them too . . . and i'm HAPPY!!

I always think that if a friend were to take advantage of me, i wouldn't regret losing him/her since such friendship is meaningless. But then my mother told me that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. So her advice to me was that I should just turn a blind eye or be alone all my life. She said that my approach to friendship is not practical, even though it *did* work at school( i just graduated and discovered that someone who's supposed to be my " friend"-she graduated 2 years before i did- has changed after she found a new boyfriend. She's so selfish and put me in such a difficult position just so to satisfy her own desire) So what do you think? Should I keep my principle to friendship (thus to life) or should i turn a blind eye?

[Third Wheel]

I have to say that I disagree with the use of the phrase "taking advantage" because by itself it implies something wrong. To me "taking advantage" means that someone takes and takes with only selfish motives and a refusal to give anything in return. However, sometimes the truest of friends are those that give freely -- those you can turn to and ask for help when you need to, without the fear of being judged, or the fear that they're "keeping score" for when you'll have to return the favor.

 

I know people who generally just aren't the types to ask for help and they tend to get more satisfaction out of giving. It may be very difficult to "return the favor" to them if you had to ask them. However, does this mean that when a friend asks, they are "taking advantage"? No. I think more than anything else, a friendship has to be based on mutual TRUST and RESPECT, not a scorecard of who has given what to whom lately. The main thing is to exercise some judgment into whether you think the person's motives are pure, or selfish. And more importantly, whether you truly think they care about you as a person. To find out those things takes time.

 

Worry less about keeping score and more about that person's heart and motives, and I think you'll be able to weed out the users from the friends no problem.

I always think that if a friend were to take advantage of me, i wouldn't regret losing him/her since such friendship is meaningless. But then my mother told me that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. So her advice to me was that I should just turn a blind eye or be alone all my life. She said that my approach to friendship is not practical, even though it *did* work at school( i just graduated and discovered that someone who's supposed to be my " friend"-she graduated 2 years before i did- has changed after she found a new boyfriend. She's so selfish and put me in such a difficult position just so to satisfy her own desire) So what do you think? Should I keep my principle to friendship (thus to life) or should i turn a blind eye?

[radioactivegirl]

I would say that turning a blind eye will leave you hurt in the end, but I think you're mom is brutally honest and right. To protect yourself don't be blind, but don''t have too many expectations of your friends and don't rely too heavily on them. They won't be able to deliver. Do the best thing for YOU. If you need input ask, but always use your own judgement.

I always think that if a friend were to take advantage of me, i wouldn't regret losing him/her since such friendship is meaningless. But then my mother told me that in the real world, everyone takes advantage of others. So her advice to me was that I should just turn a blind eye or be alone all my life. She said that my approach to friendship is not practical, even though it *did* work at school( i just graduated and discovered that someone who's supposed to be my " friend"-she graduated 2 years before i did- has changed after she found a new boyfriend. She's so selfish and put me in such a difficult position just so to satisfy her own desire) So what do you think? Should I keep my principle to friendship (thus to life) or should i turn a blind eye?