It bothers me that his friend at work is a female

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

My fiance has a friend at work that is a female. He is always stopping by her office to chat and they even have lunch sometimes. She knows all about me and about problems that we have had in our relationship in the past. I met her once before and she seemed nice but I can't stand the fact that he is friends with this girl. Why can't he try to become friends with the guys at his job? She even calls his on his phone at home. As far as I'm concerned if she is a friend at work than she should be a friend only at work. I'm sure I am probably being immature about the situation but it really bothers me. The one time that I did meet her it was at a club. He invited her to come out with us and when she showed up he stopped talking to me and talked to her all night while I danced with my friends. He even sat there with his arm around her while they talked. I was drunk so I didn't really pay it any mind but when I got pictures back that were taken that night I noticed it and although I didn't say anything to him about it, it pissed me off. So now I keep making little jokes about his "emotional affair" that he is having at work. I say it in a playful way but it really does bother me. Should I be worried? I'm not so much concerned about him trying anything with her, I'm more concerned about her trying with him. He always tells me about her guy problems and how she seems desperate to find a guy that will accept her and her 3 kids and she goes about it the wrong way! All I keep thinking is that she is going to try to make that guy, my guy and I am not down with that at all!!!!

[JackJack]

One of the things that sticks out in my mind in your post, is the fact you said she knows about your problems you all have had. That means he is confiding in her about your situation, thats not usually a good sign. Also he tells you about her problems she has had with guys, so he knows right much about her situation and she knows about yours. If he needs someone to talk to he needs to be talking to you, on how to fix whatever is going on, not talking with her about them. For that matter he could find a guy, a buddy to confide in. If theres nothing going on right now, theres a good cahnce it could. He needs to keep it professional with her. Leave work at work, that is if he can even do that.

[SadGreenEyes]

Should you be concerned? Yes!

Is this a "normal" friendship? No!

Coworker - friend at the work place - okay, it happens. Male, female? Sure.

Him putting his arm around her? Hell no! Her calling him at home??? NO F'ING WAY!! Telling her about your relationship problems?? NO!!

This is a BS relationship!

Can you stop him from going to work and seeing her? Unfortunately no, you cant.

Remember one thing - trust no woman!! Ever!!

There is more to this relationship than meets the eye.

Stay on your toes. Regardless if she knows you both are involved will not stop anything from happening, and you will only know what he tells you.

My boyfriend is very "Friendly" with other women and is flirty, however he will never cross that line....they dont seem to care. Nothing will stop a woman from getting what she wants....take it from this woman.

Sounds fishy

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

Ya know its funny that I posted this thread yesterday because she called himlast night!! We were sitting at home and his phone rang and it was her. I just sat there quietly trying to listen to their conversation. They were just talking about this guy that they work with who has a huge crush on her but she doesn't like him like that. Well my boyfriend asked my opinion on the situation and I gave him a really smart ass remark back about her being desperate to find a guy so she should just go for it. Well when he hung up the phone with her he was like "you don't like her do you?" I told him that its not that I don't like her but I just get this vibe from her. He basically told me that I can't hate her just because she is a female and he doesn't understand why I feel a vibe from her. Well he also informs me that she may be coming out with us Saturday night to a comedy club. Well here I asked my friends who are couples to come out with us and then he asks her who is single to come out with us. I know who is going to feel like the 3rd wheel if she comes out..... ME! I don't like this at all but I know if I say something to him he will just tell me to stop being so jealous all the time (I get like this with a lot of girls). This just doesn't seem right to me though! What should I say to him that will get my point across without sounding jealous or psycho?

[ash8752]

I guess you have to try and relax on it but explain to him what parts of the friendship make you uncomfortable. I think that you can trust other girls but it sounds like she may have feelings for your bf. Befriend her. Tell him you are ok with the friendship but it makes you uncomfortable putting his arms around her etc. Ask how he'd feel if some good looking guy was draped on you at the club and you ignored him. Men need perspective sometimes! I am sorry you are going through this! I would hate it too, but unlike you, i have an almost impossible time keeping my mouth shut.

 

Keep us posted! Oh, and tell him if she wants to come she needs a date because its a couples only thing!

[GodsGrievance]

Being a guy myself, the above suggestion is about as well put as I can think of.

[ash8752]

Thanks Gods!

[Pink Amulet]

Remember one thing - trust no woman!! Ever!!

 

Did I miss the memo that made misogynistic sweeping statements such as this socially acceptable??

[SadGreenEyes]

Its just my honest opinion.

I can trust most women, but some absolutely not.

I believe "some" women, not all, dont really care if a man is married/spoken for, etc, and the fact that they are unavailable doesnt mean squat to some.

Again, not attacking ALL women, but SOME...especially the single ones.

There are a lot of men who cant be trusted as well - it works both ways, it takes 2 to tango.

Some people just arent considerate and personally, I never turn my back on those who come across this way.

I trust my boyfriend, dont get me wrong, but since I have been with him, he has either known some women for a long time or met some new ones at work or wherever, and none of them could care less that he has a girlfriend. They're out for themselves!

Thank God my boyfriend doesnt feed their desires! He knows better and always puts the shoe on the other foot.

[audmc911]

It would bother me too. It is not acceptable that she calls him outside of the office. I just went off on the girl who has been calling my boyfriend incessently! I do not suggest that you do that, but this is a really big red flag. Call off the engagement unless he is willing to terminate the friendship. Tell him to find another job.

[audmc911]

[typical]

It bothers me that his friend at work is a female

 

Get used to it. If its not her, its going to be another that he cant let go of. I hate men.

[dontbfooled]

why don't you invite a SINGLE guy that you know to this comedy club thing this weekend and see how he likes it.

 

He may get the hint after that that his relationship with this gir at work is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

 

You are engaged for Christ sakes!! WTF is he doing chatting on the phone with her from home (when you are together) and discussing her dating life?!?!

 

You need to take action. And quickly. Trust me - she probably flirts with him all day at work and when they go out to lunch. How would he like it if you sat at home chatting with some guy that you know? Asking your fiance what he thinks about your guy friend's dating life, etc.

 

I know this from experience. I have been that girl at work UNFORTUNATELY so i know. TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS ASAP. If it is just an innocent friendship, it may not be that way for long if she gets her claws on him.

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

So I finally spoke up and said something to him about her yesterday. I basically told him that I don't want her coming out with us Saturday night. I don't like her and I don't want to be around her. I don't feel comfortable with her and something about her just doesn't seem right. Well his instant response is "why do you get like this every time I am friends with a girl!" So my response was that I am a girl and I know how their minds work. If a guy is going to be there for a girl to listen to her problems, hang out with her, and give her advice she is eventually going to catch feelings for that guy. He told me that it takes two and he is not interested her in and her doesn't see her being interested in him like that. Again, its not him I'm worried about, its her. I don't think this girl would care if we were together or not. She met me one time so its not like we are friends. He has invited her out other times with us as well and she always ends up bailing out the last minute which of course has my mind wandering. It makes me think that she is bailing out because I am going to be there and she doesn't want to be around me. Honestly I will be surprised if she comes out Saturday but if she does you better believe that I am going to stick to my man like glue. I'm going to be nice but very direct with her so she knows that my man and I are together for the long run and I'm not about to let her and her 3 kids get in between us!! I don't care if she thinks I'm a bitch, I'm not dealing wtih this.

[PandorasBox]

"He told me that it takes two and he is not interested in her like that and doesn't see her being interested in him like that."

 

 

Wrong, it can only take one person to develop feelings for another. Wheather the other person feels the same way or not, its still a dangerous line to cross or play with. I think he is trying to justify things with her which is not a good sign.

 

You say its not him you are worried about, its her. I think you should be worried about the both of them.

 

"He has invited her out with us." I think this is a way for him to be with her, see her etc, without him feeling he has to sneak around and do something behind you back. Which its possible he might be doing anyway. She knows way to much about your relationship with him, from him. An emotional connection/bond has formed. Thats not good.

[audmc911]

On that night, pull her to the side and tell her to stay away from your man and to never call your house again. Then say, "do you understand me?" Good. If that doesn't work, show up at work just before lunch and make a scene. Tell her to back off. Make her look bad. It's unacceptable. I felt better after having done it! But now, I'm embarrassed. However, I certainly got my point across.

 

Get your husband's cell phone records. Make friend with his secretary. Send her flowers, etc. and ask her to keep an eye on your fiance.

 

Otherwise, DON'T MARRY HIM. This behavior will not stop.

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

Nothing against you, but I really don't want to resort to the whole make a scene thing. I rather just push this girl away in other ways. I know her work email address so if I need to get in touch with her to give her a piece of my mind I can do so. My man called me today and told me that I should apply for a job at his work because a accounting position opened up, which is what I do at my current job but this will pay me a extra $10,000 a year. So I think I'm going to apply for that job. If I can get into the company I can keep a closer eye on this friendship. I really don't think my boyfriend will go for this woman. She has 3 kids, my boyfriend has none; shes like 6 feet tall (very tall for a girl!) and my boyfriend is only 5'8" and she's older than my man. I don't think he would find anything about her to be attractive, but her on the other hand could find many aspects in my boyfriend to find him attractive. This chick might be 12 years older than me but if need by I will certainly put her in her place!

[JackJack]

"I really don't think my boyfriend would go for this woman."

 

Ok so why is it he is such good friends with her? Why is it he invites her out with you all? Why is it he shares information with her about your relationship?

 

"She has 3 kids, very tall like 6 feet tall."

 

That wouldn't stop someone from becoming involved with them just because of those things. Sometimes affairs are not even about the sexual aspect of it, if someone meets someone (reguardless of their looks) they usually form a bond of some kind before the physical part takes place.

 

You seem to be way to caught up in HER trying to get her claws into your man. Please don't be blind to the fact that he himself has obviously said things to her she wants to hear to keep her coming back for more as far as this "friendship" from him. JMO.

[audmc911]

If he is sharing information about your relationship with this Other Woman - it's emotional infidelity. If he is telling her intimacies instead of you - it's emotional infidelity. You have to tell him to knock it off - and her too! Sorry, but i just did it and that's why I'm on this board. Hope it works out.

[Tinman]

Alright, so your husband is good friends with this woman he knows from work.

The fact that they interact outside of work just makes them "friend friends" vs "work friends."

 

Now, lets get to the things that bug you. They talk on the phone. Now if they do this excessively or if they are frequent late-night calls I can see getting upset. However, in your OP you didn't mention that either of these things are the case so I'm going to assume the level of interaction is fairly normal. Also, you said you were able to listen in on his phone conversations with her so it doesn't sound like he's trying to hide them from you. Heck, he even asked your opinion of how she could deal with her situation with the guy from work.

 

Second thing, he talks about his relationship with you and she talks about her problems. Hmm, sounds like what friends talk about. Would you be equally upset if he was getting perspective from a guy friend? Second, have you considered that he's looking for advice from a woman's perspective? Older and wiser and all that.

 

Next, he invites her out with you two [though you indicated that she rarely shows]. As far as why she doesn't show much I would offer two possibilities that I think are quite reasonable. One, she's not really very into the bar/club scene or simply not a very social animal. Two, she senses your dislike for her and it makes her uncomfortable. Either way, I'm still not seeing the sinister angle; maybe he just thinks she needs to get out more or be more social. Not an abnormal thing, friends do this.

 

Heck, even when single I've invited single female friends out that I wasn't trying to 'hook-up' with [and visa versa]. I just thought they needed to get out of their shell and get out more and stop being a homebody. If she's not a big one for the bar-club scene it makes sense that she spent most of her time with him. He'd be the only one there that she knew in a social setting that she doesn't feel at home at.

 

What's next? Oh yes, you also don't believe he is attracted to her nor have you seen any indication of such. Yep, that's damning evidence.

 

But wait, you feel she might be attracted to him. You say you get a "vibe." Of course, you also mentioned that "it bothers me that his friend at work is a female" and that he mentioned that you "always get this way any time he's friends with a female" which suggests that you might have some jealousy issues that are throwing off your "vibe" sensor.

 

Now, have you heard/seen anything at all that makes you think she's "after your man?" Anything other then this "vibe?"

 

Let me see, oh yes, the arm thing. This one I'll side with you on. While I don't think that having his arm around her shoulder at a bar [with you there] is evidence of anything I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be uncomfortable with this and ask him to make sure it doesn't happen again out of respect for your feellings.

 

Also, you've repeatedly stated that you trust your fiancee not to get involved with her but you don't trust her. That's fine and good. You should trust your fiancee if you plan to marry him. However, when you say you want him to cut off all contact with her what you're saying is that you "don't trust him." On this one, make up your mind. If you trust him, trust him and realize that your jealousy is irrational in this case and work on it. In return, he needs to make it easier for you to work on your jealousy issues by setting a few boundries in his friendship with this woman. It's a compromise. While he needs to be respectful of your feelings that doesn't give you a carte blanche to cut friends out of his life.

 

The last issue I see is work. It's not unexpected that you might wonder what's going on at work between them. Sure, you see them when they interact at the bar [with you], when they talk on the phone [with you in the room] but what's going on at work? Perhaps at work she's trying to get her talons into him. Well, what has he done? He's asked you to work with him.

 

There are a lot of posters on this board who have concerns relating to their SO's friends. Usually it's opposite sex friends but sometimes its just friends they don't like.

 

They would all love to have your problem. You have serious jealousy issues. Jealousy is normal to a certain extent and it doesn't make you a bad person. But you do need to realize when your jealousy is way out of porportion to the situation.

 

This woman is a good friend of your fiancee. Your life will be much easier if you try to make her a friend of yours as well. Stop this, polite but cold while watching her like a hawk nonsense. She'll pick up on it and be uncomfortable around you and that will just make you more suspicious of her.

Point of Fact: People get uncomfortable around people who are coldly polite and suspicious of them even when they're not trying to steal their boyfriend.

 

It bothers you that he talks mainly to her when you all go out? Join in the conversation rather then go out and dance. Get to know her. Hell, invite her out to the dance floor with you; it might be the first step to her meeting someone new so she'll have a boyfriend or heck, just someone else to pal around with. You don't need to become the best of friends but getting to know her better will at least give you a better idea of who she is and what you're dealing with. Plus, if you take the job you'll have at least something in common to talk about.