Should i just ignore her?

[Lost1616]

First off i didnt mean for this to be as long as it is... if you could take 5min to read it and post your opinion i would really really appreciate it. I havent had much luck getting lots of peoples opinions on here with previous posts, but im hoping now when i need it the most ile get some good info from you guys

 

My Ex and i broke up about 4 weeks ago. We talked 1 week later and she was so relieved to hear that i would stay friends with her so it wasnt like losing a best friend as well as a boyfriend. A couple of days later i found out from a friend of mine that the day after we had talked and reconciled she was in a relationship with one of my oldest friends. Even though shes not blameless this guy used private info against me to manipulate her. After i found out i tried to get her to tell me her side of the story but she wouldnt even walk through my door.

 

Now i work with this girl and we had been avoiding eachother everytime we see one another. Finally i got fed up and asked if we could talk to straighten things out. She was quite emotional and agreed that we should chat. So i left it for a day or 2 and she then asked if i wanted to meet up for the talk. We organised a time a couple of days later and i was happy that i might get to hear what was going on and what her side of the story was.

 

She msgs me that day saying change of plans i cant meet u.. i asked when can u? and she gives me the whole "what do u wanna sort out youve already told a bunch of lies about me to people without even trying to find out my side of the story". Which firstlty i only told the facts and always painted her as the victim to this jerk ex friend of mine and secondly that was the 2nd time i had tried to hear her side and she wouldnt give me the time of day. She hasnt once tried to talk to me about it. Now she was willing to talk the day before, i believe that this guy is totally getting in her head and its s***ting me off!

 

Anyway... i said to her "look we cant leave it like this"... and she agreed that she didnt want to either. So the next day at work i talked to her and said i really want to hear your side bla bla. She starts to apolagise saying i know ive hurt you and i still care about u etc... but the way she said it was as if she had rehersed it and didnt have any emotion behind it at all! Then she starts saying that ive hurt her, as if we are even in the amount of hurt. I never did anything to her, i am the classic nice guy. The only thing i did was tell her "i thought she was a better person" and gave her her stuff back after she wouldnt come in my door and have the courage to talk to me. I said look we only have to talk once and she agreed she wanted to talk again.

 

Basically to her and her naive mind and the amount of manipulation that this guy is doing to her, im getting painted like i was the bad person. But no matter what spin she puts on it she knows shes guilty of doing this with a friend of mine 1 week after breaking up with me.

 

So i just got a msg from her saying "i might be free to see you tommorrow if you can make it" Im in 2 minds whether to just not reply and forget about it or if i should go through with it. She already bailed on me once, i dont want it happening again and making me feel like im the loser. But i really want to hear her side and make her understand that she has done all this and that we are not even in the amount of hurt caused. Basically want to see what her intentions are. I also want to try and tell her how bad this guy is, i know that she will most likely see it as jealousy or wateva. But wer not talking about small imperfections. He has a drug habbit, he cheated on his last ex and basically sleeps around. Im worried about what shes getting herself into. Im hoping that she will at least hear me out seeing as A) ive known him for years and B) my 14months of being true to her compared to 4 weeks of them dating.

 

Should i see her and talk through all this? Or should i just ignore her and get on with my life? If anyone has had a similar situation before or any insight i could really use some help!

Thanks.

[AriaIncognito]

I can't say that I've ever been in a similar situation, but it sounds to me that her mind is already made up against you. It sucks to hear it, but it seems to me your best bet would be to move on. If she's using such harsh emotions/words with you, I'd assume she doesn't have the same feelings she once did. If she did, she'd ask you if you said things, before accusing you.

 

 

Jennifer

[Nedved28]

I think maybe you should arrange to meet!!! Just give it once last throw of the dice and if anything comes out of it at least you'l both get to explain your side and hear hers!! By the sounds of things she's made her mind up to be with this so called friend of yours who sounds like a complete waste of space!! If anything good comes out of this at least you got rid of him out of your life!! You d'ont need people like that and if she wants to be with somebody like that let her find out the hard way!!! say your piece when you meet and hear hers and if there's still improvement wash your hands of the 2 of them and move one!! Your better than they are...

[Nedved28]

I left out the NO in my last post!! should have read!! still NO improvement!!

[juliou20]

I Also Think It Would Be A Good Thing To Move On And Find Your Self Another Hot Webdate. Com, Maybe It Could Be Me.... Mmmmmm Well, Even If It Is Not Me You Can Still Find Some Other Webdate. Check It Out.

[Smung]

Lost, I'm sorry to hear your going through this. I would let some time pass as it sounds like your wanting something that she is not willing to provide at this moment.

Think about what YOU want from the conversation.

 

If you want to talk to her, explaining how dumb she is for leaving you for a D**k like your ex friend. It wont work.. It will just make you look weak and this other guy strong in her eyes.

 

If it's to seek closer and move on, then a short little talk that is polite, does not address the past, and focuses on the positive is all you need.

Not talk of any other guys! and be sure to end the conversation, don't let her.

 

Remember, Your Ex is responsible for her own actions and putting the blame on the OM (other man) for the end of the relationship is call displacement.

 

Hang in there, you need time to heal and the more NC the better it will be!!

[Lost1616]

Thanks for everyones posts. It means alot to me that you guys have taken the time to give advice to a stranger in need

 

I have news... I saw her the other day and we talked for 3 hours about absalutely everything. Shes sorry she hurt me and still loves me/cares about me. She definitly still wants to remain friends, and shes not just saying it. She wants to see me and hang out and that.

 

Basically in her mind, our relationship was kinda just friends in the last 5 weeks or so leading up to the break up. I said even though thats what you felt its not over until both parties are in agreement. She apolagised and understood what i was saying. I also found out that she hasnt even kissed him yet. She said "its not like im jumping out of your bed and into his". I asked whats your relationship? She replied "im just getting to know him". It definitly isnt as bad as i had thought, but obviously shes still wronged me.

 

the most crucial thing that happened was that we re-established trust. I said to her "Theres things about this guy that you should know, hes not what he seems and it hurts me to think that ive been good and honest to you for over a year and you have known him for 4 weeks and you would trust him over me!" She replied with "no i do trust you and i would like to hear what you have to say about him". So i told her about how hes cheated on his ex and basically is a conquest kinda of guy and doesnt seem to respect women. I was shocked that she actually sat there and took it all in! She was very receptive and thanked me for telling her. I must have got through because the following day she went to see him about it.

 

I got a msg yesterday telling me "i talked to him.. he didnt deny anything.. he was very upfront and honest with everything i asked. Dont know where we will go from here? Thanks, i didnt deserve your help but thanku."

 

Now i cant exactly call her up and say... so what did u mean by u dont know where we will go from here? Clearly she is in doubt from what ive said but what do u thinkk she means? Does anyone have any suggestions on how i should be acting here? She wants me to be friends and if i do that then i can continue to be in the loop and keep putting my positive influence on her but i dont want her to think she can have he cake and eat it too. I feel i would also hurt if i saw her but the catch is i miss her so much! I think i hurt more not seeing her than seeing her! Anyway, hope you guys can help me try understand.

Thankyou.

[Diver012]

Although I think your intensions are noble, I believe you are trying to remain a presence in her life hoping things will work themself out, and you will be back together. Been there done that myself. Not doing it anytime soon.

 

A lot of women seem to run from the "Nice Guy" into the arms of the "Bad Guy" They are dangerous, exciting, unpredictable & mysterious. She may be in this relationship full well knowing that it will never work out. Fear of commitment perhaps.

 

I would honestly drop it. Wish her well, wish her a happy life, and get on with yours.

 

I loved my Ex deeply. First women I felt I could spend the rest of my life with. I got dumped without reason or warning. There is no friendship possible. Not right now. A couple of years from now, who knows.. I work with this girl so you never know what the future holds. I honetly wish I didnt work with her. It would make moving on a helluva lot easier.

 

Unlike you, I do not like seeing her. I do not like even being around her. Its nothing personal to her, its because it hurt me, and I dont like being hurt. I think the longer you continue this, hoping and waiting for things to turn around, you will hurt yourself further. Just my opinion..

[Guest]

When you least expect it, things will change.

Move on and let her come back to you. If she doesn't come back, at least you've already moved on so it won't hurt as badly if you would've continued pining over her.

This is advice from a young woman who has been a dumper a few times (not proud of it). When a woman sees that the guy is no longer interested in her (or so she thinks), he will seem irresistable. It's common a thing: We want what we can't have.

A quote from "Living Single" (90's show):

"Forbidden fruit...my favorite flavor"

I'll never forget that line!!

[gfto]

say goodbye

[Lovegod]

I swear to Lovegod, I'm gonna end up making a generic "Just Broke Up" post for all you dudes to read. It's always the same s***.

 

We talked 1 week later and she was so relieved to hear that i would stay friends with her

 

When a woman "thinks" about breaking up with her boyfriend, she drags the ending of the relationship on and on for weeks, sometimes months. You have validated that here:

 

Basically in her mind, our relationship was kinda just friends in the last 5 weeks or so leading up to the break up.

 

Now, the ending is going to be dragged out even longer with the whole "LJBF (Let's Just Be Friends)" s***. If you even talk to another woman while you're her friend, it's going to piss her off. She'll give you a scolding with her body language or her words just to keep you from wandering off too far in case the biker she's f***ing leaves her behind. You've become the temporary boyfriend by becoming her friend. She'll keep herself amused with you when she's in-between other guys. This is the LJBF hell. You can't stray too far, but you can't completely have her.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how i should be acting here?

 

Act like you never knew her, you never had her phone number, and any calls you recieve from her are wrong numbers. In other words, cut her out of your life and move on.

 

She wants me to be friends and if i do that then i can continue to be in the loop and keep putting my positive influence on her

 

What in the hell does this mean? I'm guessing it means "I still have a chance!" You are the cat, and she's dangling the string. Have fun!

[Spurned]

Ah, man. Any woman who allows some dude to manipulate what she thinks about you doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you. If your relationshp was that great, and you respected one another, nothing like that could come between you. Let's look at the two possibilities: If was mostly his manipulation, and it was more her own decision. As for the first, do you want to be with such an impressionable girl? And as for the second, if she's decided on her own to drop you, then let her.

 

Sure, you should hurt and wonder why and hope for the next month or so that she doesn't kiss him, but I guarantee, there'll be kissing and a lot more to come from them!

 

So live well, date a hotter girl with bigger brains and no gag reflex, and conquer the world.

[Mary3]

Ah, man. Any woman who allows some dude to manipulate what she thinks about you doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you. If your relationshp was that great, and you respected one another, nothing like that could come between you. Let's look at the two possibilities: If was mostly his manipulation, and it was more her own decision. As for the first, do you want to be with such an impressionable girl? And as for the second, if she's decided on her own to drop you, then let her.

 

Sure, you should hurt and wonder why and hope for the next month or so that she doesn't kiss him, but I guarantee, there'll be kissing and a lot more to come from them!

 

So live well, date a hotter girl with bigger brains and no gag reflex, and conquer the world.

LOL !................

[jmars]

Hey!

 

I'm in a similar situation with my wife of 8 years and 1.5 kids. The oldest child (9 yrs) is my step-daughter, my wifes from a previous "arrangement" with a jerk who hasn't shown the girl the time of day since she was born, and never gave her mom anymore than $20 in support and a punch to the face on one occassion.

 

So, my wife and I had a talk yesterday.... a month after separating, two months after she first announced the separation. We have talked about our interest in the other sex, our friendship and the kids, remaining loyal to one another, and the need for individual and indepeneny growth on both our parts. We both agreed to be loyal, et al. but the real jist of it all was that "the spark" isn't there anymore according to her.

 

Prior to me coming along, she had had a string of 3 month relationships. You know, chasing the "spark" like the novelty of a new person is supposed to last forever.

 

Also, I know guys and their views of single mothers. And that goes double for a mother with an unruly special needs child, like my step-daughter.

 

I would take my wife back in an instant, right now anyway. And it kills me to think of the position she is putting herself in.

 

What can we do though, friend?

 

My advice, which I am trying to take right now myself (it's hard), is to move on. Focus on yourself and your own life developement. Not in hopes that doing so will somehow make her see the light and come back to you. Maybe it will, and maybe it won't. You (and me) should do so solely for yourself and what other people are in your life.

 

And if you meet another girl and move on, well, I'm a compassionate guy too, and like I said it kills me to think of the position mine is putting herself in, but thems the breaks if that happens and all of sudden she wants you back.

 

You have to do it for yourself, mate. They made their beds. Some other woman will come along and snatch you up, and you, being the man you are, will not simply turn your back on HER for someone who brushed you off.

 

It's sad, but do you really want to pine away hoping you'll get her back, playing the "no contact" game, or some other, solely in hopes of getting her back?

 

Good luck, mate.

[Lost1616]

So it was my birthday yesterday. Id been waiting to see what she was going to do. We are suppose to be on these "friends" terms now. She had previously asked if she could get me a present still and i said i didnt think it would be appropriate considering. So anyway i waited for some form of contact saying happy birthday, thinking of you bla bla whatever. She comes into our work around 3 and i thought the least she could do was say a quick hello happy bday. I didnt even see her... so anyway She txt that evening basically saying some lame excuse that i was on the phone. She cant have tried to hard cos i was looking out for her and didnt see her around once! I think she just popped her head around a corner and said to herself dont worry about it and didnt bother making the effort. But she sent me a msg that night saying her excuse why she didnt talk to me... and then added "hope u had a good bday". Which yeh... really nice thanks i appreciate that you left it so late and took the time to say u hope i HAD a good 1, not how WAS your bday or even something like wish you all the best happy birthday...was just a very "i dont care" kind of attitude i thought. I think this was just the last straw. She is just doing and acting all the wrong ways in all of this and as much as i still love her, ive realised...shes like poison for me right now!

 

So anyway just wanted to say to everyone thanks for all your advice, im currently implementing No Contact and am on my 6th day! Im being strong for myself and sparing my feelings to anymore hurt. Im not going to be rude and ignore her when i see her, just indifferent. I wont initiate any conversations to her at work or otherwise and if she talks to me im going to treat it very cool and basically have the mentality that "this time is for ME now and im going to do things that make ME happy and you dont deserve ME!"

 

This forum really has helped. I thank everyone that has taken the time to give me advice. I realise now that everyone deserves happiness and even though most people reading all these pages are in their own living hell and their lives are in dissaray.. YOU WILL ALL BE HAPPY AGAIN! believe me ive been at my lowest of lows in all this and i never thought i would see daylight... but remember, theres only 1 path to go from being at the bottom and we all know thats back up!

 

Thanks and good luck to everyone.

[Lost1616]

Just thought id post updates on here still... im stronger now but could still use all your opinions

 

I went NC for 10 days... she came into work yesterday on her day off. I was on the phone but she waited round for like 15min cos she wanted to talk to me. So she made a decent effort (unlike on my bday). She asked how my Bday was and what i was upto etc. I played it very cool and indifferent, not rude but def not open. I didnt ask her a single question about herself... yet she still told me about her life as if she wanted it to be like old times. From an outsider looking at us it would have appeared she was trying to make a mends for what shes done and the fact she didnt do anything for my Bday. I think the guilt is creeping in on her.

 

As far as im aware shes still seeing this guy.. and i am still not sure if i can be "friends" with her while thats going on. Shes made it totally clear that she wants to remain friends and ive said from the start "you cant have your cake and eat it too".

 

What do you think i should do now? Keep NC? I miss her terribly and its very hard to go NC but im managaing. NC seems to be getting me results however im worried it may backfire and she might just get the mentality like "ahh too hell with him then" kinda thing.

 

Could really use a females opinion to what she might be thinking/feeling.

Thanks

[Mary3]

Just thought id post updates on here still... im stronger now but could still use all your opinions

 

I went NC for 10 days... she came into work yesterday on her day off. I was on the phone but she waited round for like 15min cos she wanted to talk to me. So she made a decent effort (unlike on my bday). She asked how my Bday was and what i was upto etc. I played it very cool and indifferent, not rude but def not open. I didnt ask her a single question about herself... yet she still told me about her life as if she wanted it to be like old times. From an outsider looking at us it would have appeared she was trying to make a mends for what shes done and the fact she didnt do anything for my Bday. I think the guilt is creeping in on her.

 

As far as im aware shes still seeing this guy.. and i am still not sure if i can be "friends" with her while thats going on. Shes made it totally clear that she wants to remain friends and ive said from the start "you cant have your cake and eat it too".

 

What do you think i should do now? Keep NC? I miss her terribly and its very hard to go NC but im managaing. NC seems to be getting me results however im worried it may backfire and she might just get the mentality like "ahh too hell with him then" kinda thing.

 

Could really use a females opinion to what she might be thinking/feeling.

Thanks

 

Congrats on your 10 days @ !

 

I think that was mean of her on your birthday to avoid you totally. Everyone wants to be made feel special on their b~day.

 

See she wants things like * buddies * and you don't so I think you are being strong and acting non chalent around her. Keep that up !

 

You MISS her because you are still in contact with her by * seeing her, or her buzzing around you like a bee * keeping you connected like honey.

 

I would continue doing what you are doing and start asking out other girls . Move on with your life and she will seem minimal in the distance instead of upfront in your mind

[Spurned]

Actually, if you continued no contact and she finally gets the message that you are respecting her decision to dump you and to be with another guy, I wouldn't consider that "backfiring." It'd be one of the best things that ever happened to you.

 

There's better out there for you than a girl immature enough to want to have you on an emotional leash while she's with someone else.

[morphius]

I swear to Lovegod, I'm gonna end up making a generic "Just Broke Up" post for all you dudes to read. It's always the same s***.

 

 

 

When a woman "thinks" about breaking up with her boyfriend, she drags the ending of the relationship on and on for weeks, sometimes months. You have validated that here:

 

 

 

Now, the ending is going to be dragged out even longer with the whole "LJBF (Let's Just Be Friends)" s***. If you even talk to another woman while you're her friend, it's going to piss her off. She'll give you a scolding with her body language or her words just to keep you from wandering off too far in case the biker she's f***ing leaves her behind. You've become the temporary boyfriend by becoming her friend. She'll keep herself amused with you when she's in-between other guys. This is the LJBF hell. You can't stray too far, but you can't completely have her.

 

 

 

Act like you never knew her, you never had her phone number, and any calls you recieve from her are wrong numbers. In other words, cut her out of your life and move on.

 

 

 

What in the hell does this mean? I'm guessing it means "I still have a chance!" You are the cat, and she's dangling the string. Have fun!

 

Lol. Have to agree though!

[Lost1616]

Hey thanks for your posts guys! The story continues to unfold... she just msgd me tonight (3 days after chat) and asked if she could get these crappy wine spike things that her friend gave to (i thought US) for xmas. Why is she asking me now? Shes on holidays from my work for another week and surely theres no rush for wine spikes.... haha. Do you think its a lame attempt to see me? She just said "can i get them back off you" and didnt specify how or when as if she wants to suss me out and make me organise how to get them back to her.

 

I havent replied yet... any suggestions? Continue with NC? It was a direct question... if i dont reply she will surely get s***ty... which may be good?

 

Haha this seems so trivial yet i think its a crucial time for the right decisions so would appreciate any advice.

Thanks guys!

[Lost1616]

Ok, so it seems im using these posts as abit of a release at the momet. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this stuff and could use some insight. So ive replied to her.. 2 days later. Just kept it happy but didnt ask any questions or say anything that would imply i want to see her. She writes back saying her and her friend were having drinks and being silly and apolagised. Then said hope your having a good weekend. So shes acting very nice to me. I thought she would have been ****ty i left the reply for a couple of days.. thats not like me.

 

Ive got to say as much as i think im getting stronger the last day or so ive been way way down and depressed. I keep trying to do things to keep occupied but they just either remind me of her or i feel like i wish i was doing these things with her. I miss her terribly... i wish i didnt but i do.

 

I still dont know what i want.. im trying to make a choice that will make me happy. I cant totally go NC because i work with her. Its like if i just ignore it all and dont be her friend it hurts, and i know it will hurt if im her friend seeing her with other guys... but i dont know whats worse!

 

I miss that person thats always there to hangout with unconditionally and i know i should go out and try find that again but as much crap as shes put me through i really want her still. She is my first and only love to date and it still kills me 7 weeks later that im not seeing her.

 

I just want to be happy again but i dont know which way to go. It seems im destined to be unhappy both going NC or staying her friend.

 

Do you think she misses me as much as i miss her? I still cant get all this out of my head.. i just want to see light at the end of the tunnel.

[BatteredByLove]

BACK OFF RIGHT NOW, HOLD NC!!! I was in your same situation, my ex and I broke up in march, talked till the end of may then we had a fight, ended on not so bad terms, not so good. I kept NC for a month, showed up at her house, she saw me, went back in. Went back into NC, two weeks later, she emails me to be careful on the fourth of july. I calmly replied 5 days later, no emotional attachment to the email, nothing, just a simple "Don't worry, I didn't blow my hands up. Hope you had a great fourth", other then that, it was all. She would then reply a longer email everytime, and in exchange I replied a simple sentence. Things kept going until she would pop and say, "are you feeling weird talking to me? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to reconcile, but I have tried so hard to forgive you and I have." I replied saying that I didn't feel wierd. She then talks about her wanting to be my friend, that she was so excited. Well I replied to her that I want to be her friend, but not right now. She then replied she doesn't know if she wants to be my friend or not.... the idea is... this girl is stringing you along, just like my ex. I have now went back to NC, and with summer ending, school will start soon.... god, Iunno what will happen.... KEEP NC, she's just stringing you along, or she's just really really really confused. That's what I think is giong on with my ex.

[Lost1616]

NC seems to be the thing to do. Everyone on here says you havto and theres a certain amount of trust i take from everyone on here being (or have been) in similar positions as me. Im just really worried that it may not be right for me and my relationship! How do you know? This was both of ours first "love" and it was very special.. we both thought we would always remain together. It hurts every single day and NC doesnt seem to be making me heal... The thing that hurts the most is that i miss her.. and i dont know if she misses me..

 

I think i will ask her out somewhere casually as a friend (she will agree)... i know everyone reading this will most likely say NO STOP! but i dont see how it could get any worse. Am i being weak? Ive tried so hard to keep it all together and not think about it but its got to a point where its all catching up and im just left with this empty feeling.

 

What should i be doing?

[norajane]

YOu should be out riding your bike, playing softball, going hiking, hanging out at the beach - it's summer...enjoy it.

 

You should be writing the great American novel, re-building your car engine, painting your apartment, learning to cook, learning to scuba dive, planning a vacation, reviewing your finances, working to pay off your credit cards, making investments to buy a house - it's your life...live it.

 

You should be hanging out with your friends, going to baseball games, going to hear local bands, seeing movies, reading books, taking a road trip, playing darts, practicing sinking the 8 ball in the corner pocket...it's your time...do something fun with it.

 

You should be asking other girls out.

 

What you should not be doing is exactly what you are doing. I realize you're terribly hurt and this woman was special to you. But you need to get as far away from her as you possibly can. NO, DO NOT ask her out somewhere casually as a freind. Stop trying to be her friend. You'll just get your feelings stepped on again, so stop trying to lick her boots.

[BatteredByLove]

NC seems to be the thing to do. Everyone on here says you havto and theres a certain amount of trust i take from everyone on here being (or have been) in similar positions as me. Im just really worried that it may not be right for me and my relationship! How do you know? This was both of ours first "love" and it was very special.. we both thought we would always remain together. It hurts every single day and NC doesnt seem to be making me heal... The thing that hurts the most is that i miss her.. and i dont know if she misses me..

 

I think i will ask her out somewhere casually as a friend (she will agree)... i know everyone reading this will most likely say NO STOP! but i dont see how it could get any worse. Am i being weak? Ive tried so hard to keep it all together and not think about it but its got to a point where its all catching up and im just left with this empty feeling.

 

What should i be doing?

 

 

What should you be doing? Exactly what norajane said, live your life. My ex was also my first real "love", and I miss her terribly, but, just let her come to you. If ya'll were meant to be together, ya'll be together. There's also this one quote, "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, live today", dont waste your time, you're probably worrying too much, thinking too much, keep up the NC, dont ask her out someplace, give her her time and space, if she wants you back, she'll come.