35 yr wife having EA with 19 yr old boy

[lighthouseseeker]

Sorry this will be long but I need help because I'm spinning out of control...... 5 years ago kids began playing hockey one day a week. We would enjoy going to the games and practices. My wife decides she wants to be the team mom, and really got into it because she really enjoyed the accolades. Soon she decided she wanted to play in adult league and also become the league coordinator and score keeper.

 

What started as one day per week now escalated to five sometimes six days for hours at a stretch. Games would go until midnite on school nites, and I told her I thought it was unfair to the kids to have them out that late. But she couldn't hear me because she was literally drunk from the feeling of her new-found responsibility and social position.

 

This went on for about two years and when I would confront her she would always say "for the first time I have something that I enjoy doing." Well what she wasn't saying is that she was also enjoying the attention from all the players, dads, and coaches.....I had always sensed and witnessed this and eventually it drove me away from the rink entirely.....she continued, and about a year ago her dress code and behavior did a 180......she never was one for make-up or taking an hour to do her hair.....but now I would watch her go thru a 1.5 hour ritual.

 

To top it off she went out and bought super low-rise jeans (to show off her tattoo) tiny little skirts, short-shorts, and every day was dressing more and more provacatively. By this time our relationship is DEAD. Sex was rare. Desire was pointless. She goes from 10 cell phone calls per week to either talking or texting all day every day, and locking the keypad, erasing, leaving the room....ect. all the symptoms.

 

Month ago the kids had a tourney in Denver (course I had to work) and while they were gone I decided I couldn't take it anymore. Had a close buddy who works in the security section of the cell phone company pull all of her voice and texts for the past year. What I found is why Im writing......my wife of 17 years has been having phone sex with a 19 yr old player who said he had a MILF fantasy. She bought him gifts, and I swear she was texting or talking to him everyday,hours on end, from November 05 to June 06.

 

She swears "they were never ever alone together, and that it was just alot of talk and fantasy because it made her feel good to have something new and exciting in her life". 80% of the texts were sexual and there was some talk of a hook-up in Denver, which she says didn't happen and never intented it to happen. I'm sure everyone at the rink knows because the guy is 19 and I'm sure he's been doing his bit of bragging bout the "old lady" who texts him "Im not wearing panties today".....17 years, 6 kids......She refused to quit immediately but said she would at the end of the season (august) because "no one else can do her job and someone needs to be trained." Give me a break!!!!

 

She also claims she won't play on the adult league anymore......she says she never wanted this, never wanted him, that she wishes it was me saying all those things to her and giving her all of that attention. My question is, with all that sex talk for 7 months can I really beleive this EA didn't become an all out PA?

 

She told me if she hadn't got caught she probably wouldn't have told me. That she was already in the process of "ending it" when I caught her, cuz she says she relized it was becoming boring and pathetic and a real reflection of her self-esteem.

 

She denies anyone knows, but I know better. Can I ever trust her again? She became totally consumed by this person for quite a while. I can't accept it was just a "fun" thing............sorry so long winded.......can anyone help?

[Tony]

Welcome to LoveShack.

 

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Tony

[BrandonBP]

Anything is possible, but I think I'd personally have to assume that they've been having physical contact.

[Guest]

When she says that she wishes it was you saying all those things to her it sounds like you two don't get a lot of time together (before she became the "team mom"). Is this true? Maybe she was feeling undesirable and since being involved in this hockey team she is getting a "high" (so to speak) from all the attention she's getting. This makes her feel good about herself, so she started to put more effort into her appearance because she actually feels confidence. She wanted to impress them even more. I can't tell you for sure if her relationship with the 19 year old involved physical contact, but I have a feeling that it is just the phone conversations. She wanted attention and the "safest" way to be involved with this guy without going all the way is phone sex. They can do this more comfortably over a phone because there is a barrier between them (this is all my assumption). As for trusting her again, that depends on your relationship. Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her before this incident? Has she ever cheated? I have a feeling all of this was just an ego booster for her, even though it has gone on for some time. I mean who can honestly say that they don't like it when someone fancies them. It's flattering. However, like I said is it possible you two weren't spending enogh time together? Maybe that is something she was missing from you. Btw when you confronted her did you TELL her that all the attention she was getting from the guys bothered you? Even if you did make it clear again. Some women need reassurance that they are still wanted and desired (as do men i'm sure, it goes both ways). I say give it another go, try to trust her again. Ask her about working on your relationship together, and what is missing that you could both work on. This marriage is worth salvaging, you two have 17 years of history together and 6 children! Don't throw it away! But ask her to be honest with you. Never be sorry for asking for help. I hope everything works out. Good luck.

[ronnieromance]

Yeah, I'm leaning toward the beleif that the 19 yo is officially a man now.

 

-R-

[lighthouseseeker]

I want to begin by saying this is the most amazing support site I have ever seen. Thank you a million times over for responding. I have been sick with grief and all kinds of mixed emotions. The truth is we haven't spent no where near as much time together as with other people/activities for the past four years.

 

I understand this was an ego booster for her, but I feel she did it at the expense of the integrity of our family name, our kids well-being, and my honor as a man. None of this mattered to her. Even on our special days i.e. birthdays, Christmas, Valentines....ect......she was calling or texting him. But she insists that it was just a casual thing. For God's sake she bought him boxers for Christmas. In a man's life, the women that care most about him will buy his underwear......his mother first.....then his wife. I beleive my wife was sending a signal with a gift like that. Something to say " I will take care of even your most basic needs".

 

To make it even worse, from reading the text documents I got from my friend, it seemed like she was throwing herself at the guy and he was sort of playing hard to get. He got her hooked and then stopped delivering, which made her want him even more.

 

Part of me has to take into consideration the past 17 years. Has she ever lied or omitted before? Yes. Have I? Yes. But I have never done this. I fear that if I hadn't caught her it would continue and grow until she crossed the "line" if it already hasn't. I felt that if she gave a damn at all she would have quit the job that day. She says she will after she fulfills her obligation. But doesn't she have an obligation to me first? Part of me feels that she is reluctant to give up something that gave her so much joy even if it caused me so much pain.

 

Don't know if I will ever look at her the same. When she texts me "good morning baby" I cringe because it's exactly what she texted him every morning for months. In a strange way I think she kind of wants me to be his replacement so she can pick up with me where she left off with him. They talked more about sex in 6 months than we have in 17 years. She revealed fantasies to him and role-played to a level I didn't even know she had in her. But, she claims they were never alone together, never hooked up..........just something fun, exciting and new.

 

 

Possibly at the expense of our beautiful family.................How do I get over this????? thru this????? I'm losing weight, getting headaches, I haven't slept in 3 weeks......It's killing me....

[lighthouseseeker]

Thanks....she never did this before, so I don't know what to think....In alot of ways I do think she will take this secret to the grave if she did go all the way.

[lighthouseseeker]

Why do you feel that way ronnieromance???

[Luvmykids]

Lighthouse,

 

Being married 17years is a long time to be together. You say your relationship was dead by the time she started wearing different clothes? Why? How was it before all of this? Did you spend time together then?

 

Im sorry you are having such a hard time. I think even if she did not get physical with this boy (and being 35 myself, he is a boy) it still has hurt you deeply. Are you finding it hard to speak to your wife now? Can you take her out...away from the house and really speak to her?

I started doing this with my husband, and I have learned alot about our marriage from my husbands point of view. It was extremely hard for him to open up...but once he did..I feel better.

 

You mentioned that she wishes you could talk to her like that and give her attention. Did you think there was a problem before all of this started? If she felt she wasn't getting that...then she should have told you. You are right to feel the way you do. But if there was no contact, then I think you two can work it out. Can you go to counseling?

[ronnieromance]

Why do you feel that way ronnieromance???

 

It's just more likely that the interaction was, at some point, at least a little physical.

 

SHe's in a tough spot now. She's not going to tell you everything and no one ever gets into these situations thinking it will lead to a confrontation.

 

 

-R-

[Guest]

I dunno like I said before there seemed to be something missing for her in your relationship so she looked elsewhere for some "cheap thrill". She actually wanted YOUR attention, which was clear when she said she wished it was YOU saying those things to her. You obviously still love her very much so the next best thing is probably some marriage counselling, I agree. You two together have got to work on building your trust again, and getting past this. That is if you still want to be with her, you still want to right? I think that this happened because of 2 main things (IMO), probably for one the lack of time you two spend together (i'm not really sure to what extent this is) and the other is probably more common, it's the monotony of everyday life. I'm not saying this as offensive in any way, because I think to a certain point many married folks experience this. She is used to her lifestyle with you, your kids, your routine. And now she got to have a part in this new thing (well new then) being a hockey league coordinator and getting all this attention from the other guys. It is new and exciting and different. Well, now that she said she was "in the process of ending it" it's up to you now if you believe her and if you can move past this. I think this is something you either have to do or not do. Meaning either you work together to rebuild your relationship of 17 years, or not. You cannot be "wishy-washy" about it and ignore the situation or sweep it under a rug, because it will come up in an argument over and over again. I've seen this happen, where one spouse says well i've forgiven my husband for this and that but in reality they haven't, and it gets brought up in arguments time and time again. In which resentment can build. So I guess the next step would be some marriage counselling, and maybe spending more time with her. Remembering why you two got married in the first place! Is it possible she was trying to make you jealous, trying to get your attention. This is just an idea, perhaps farfetched...I suppose if you remind her how much you love her she will open up to you and be honest about things.

[Fun2BMe]

I Don't know if I will ever look at her the same. When she texts me "good morning baby" I cringe because it's exactly what she texted him every morning for months. In a strange way I think she kind of wants me to be his replacement so she can pick up with me where she left off with him.

First let me say I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, It must feel terrible after 17 years of marriage. You should still look at her the same way. I think she was reliving her teenage years and feeling special getting attention from possibly one of the 'cool' guys she either used to or wished she got the attention from in high school. If she is using you as a replacement with the texts, then please don't leave her hanging. She found out she likes to text sexy messages and if she is no longer doing it with the 19 year old, then you should fulfill that desire she has so she doesn't feel unfulfilled and miss what she had. I don't think you should feel upset about that but try to be more understanding.

 

 

They talked more about sex in 6 months than we have in 17 years. She revealed fantasies to him and role-played to a level I didn't even know she had in her. But, she claims they were never alone together, never hooked up..........just something fun, exciting and new.

I see it like fantasy football except it's fantasy sex talk. I can understand how hurtful it is for you, but I think she was having fun and nothing more. If she had sex with him like you are not sure about, they would have texted about it and you would have read it in the transcripts your friend provided. I doubt it went beyond the text flirting. I think there is a possibility it could have gone that far and she would have regretted it deeply. You caught her at the right time while things were still at a fantasy level.

 

Try to send her flirty texts and replace what she no longer has. It sounds like it becamse an addiction like people who play video games. It was her daily fix, just like the hockey had become. Don't take it personal that she didn't quit on the spot. I think she is really into the whole hockey thing as a hobby and all of a sudden without the text 'game' and the hockey she will be feeling a huge void. I think you have to make an effort to fill that void for her. Try to play sports, maybe take tennis or dance lessons together, do some romantic things for her. I think she got it out of her system, the whole ego booster, reliving her single years and all that stuff and feel fortunate it didn't involve sex and that things have ended and you are still together.

[stillafool]

It's just more likely that the interaction was, at some point, at least a little physical.

 

SHe's in a tough spot now. She's not going to tell you everything and no one ever gets into these situations thinking it will lead to a confrontation.

 

 

-R-

 

 

Sorry but I agree with you Ronnie. You know how horny a 19 yo man is and I'm quite certain it got physical on probably more than one occasion. I don't think you would email someone that "you aren't wearing panties today" if it hadn't become physical.

[Nicholas]

I could believe a woman who said that she texted somebody purely for emotional enjoyment and never it took it further. She's selling a buyable story.

 

But put yourself in the sneakers of the nineteen year old. Would you really endure that much teasing with someone if a clear line was drawn in the sand? I'm not saying something happened, but the idea that she never intended it to go farther is a bit of a stretch.

 

1. She needs to quit, now. Whoever trained her can train her replacement.

 

2. You need to get into serious counselling, for the sake of the children that didn't ask to be in the wake of your divorce. She needs to stop minimizing what she's done, and you need to feel like you can trust her.

[lighthouseseeker]

All of the responses have been very thoughtful and helpful. I never knew human beings could be so connected. Today I cried for the first time since this all began. Not because of what my wife did, but because reading these responses made me realize just how disconnected I really am. How lonely it's been existing in my marriage for the past few years. I can only imagine what my wife has gone thru. My heart is so full of emptiness

 

LUVMYKIDS asked about how we began, and of course it was much different. When my wife and I began, I was the "star" the "cool" guy. It really was a large part of why she was so determined to have me to herself. I was a challenge to her, not easily acquired. I found out that this guy is the leading scorer and star player in this league, so this really is part of her pattern (she denies it had anything to do with it). When we met in college she was dating a guy in the NFL......I came along, a little better, a little more fight, and she forgot all about him. Well, six kids and 17 years later, I grew up and matured and realized that SHE was truly the "star" and I devoted my heart to her. She became my "reason". My hope. I placed her on a pedestal above the clouds. I thought she was a cut above the rest. More than jealous, I'm disappointed. She sold her beauty, integrity, strength and wisdom for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

Our communication has always been lacking, I think beacause our interests are so different. I'm a deep thinker......personal.....a reader. She is alot more simple and just lives day-to-day. She comes from a wealthy family who had very little interaction and I have learned to be patient with her over the years.....as she has attempted to accommodate me. I feel we are both still very selfish and our relationship needs much more openess, honesty, and unconditional love.

 

FUN2BME u spoke about me possibly filling this void that this "person" may have created in my wife. Well, she has always flirted, and I have warned her many times that some men might not see it as just a game. You're right!!! In alot of ways my wife does exhibit "high school" behavior. I do think she may be trying to experience those things she was left out of in high school...... but I'm not 19 and stupid......I would rather have a "real" conversation.......real sex.......a real marriage.

 

To the unknown GUEST you are a very wise person....Thank You. There has been monotony in our relationship....17 years........work.....kids

 

And you're right her unwillingness to go fully into it is making me silently resent her. She doesn't understand that I NEED to talk about this. I need to know why. When we have sex I have terrible thoughts and visions. I try to concentrate and block these thoughts but they are like an endless stream of relentless enemies. I get weak. I agree that we do need counseling. Just not sure if it will help. A large part of me feels that a large part of her is gone forever.

 

 

For the sake of my children, and my own mental health I will do my "time" and let this pass. Anything else would be virtual suicide. Never felt pain like this before. I'm determined never again.......no matter what.

[Guest]

Lighthouseseeker I really feel your pain. This is why I strongly urge you two to go into marriage counselling, you have nothing to lose (and possibly lots to gain). Since your communication is lacking, an outsider will see your perspectives as individuals and in a nonjudgemental way, and will help you to open up and better understand each other and what it is you want from your relationship (hopefully). I dunno i've always been a person to never give up hope for something I really wanted, unless it was a lost cause. Then I can say, hey I did whatever I could. I tried my best. So at this point you can try the counselling and see how it goes. And perhaps you two can get away somewhere nice for a few days at least, try something new, be alone together so you can reconnect. Or maybe go somewhere with the kids, enjoy your time as a family. It's difficult when you put someone on a pedestal, viewing them as such a perfect being, and then realizing at some point they may not live up to this image in reality. I think many people do this with the ones they love, because in their eyes they are perfect. But as a being they are not perfect. No one is. Everyone has weaknesses and flaws, sometimes we just refuse to see them. So as your wife loves you, if she says she has ended it with said 19 yr old then perhaps she means it. Maybe she realizes what a mistake it was. Not to say that she doesn't like attention, but then again all women do. It's just how far you go to get it that can create a problem. I guess you must think through if you can get past this or not. Sorry to stress this so much, but since your communication channels are not as open as you'd like them to be, then it's time you get someone to help with that (counsellor).

[stillafool]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. If your wife is as you say, she may be trying to hold on to her youth by involving herself with the 19 yr.old. Trust me that will soon play out and she will feel older than ever. ITM, take care of yourself and try to get her to go to counseling ASAP.

[lighthouseseeker]

Just wanted to tell everyone thanks a million for all of the advice. It was not only helpful, but I believe it saved my marraige. We have been in counseling for about a week and alot has been revealed on both parts.

 

I will still post here and update as we make progress. I had forgotten how loving and generous human beings can be. Thank you all........

 

 

LIGHTHOUSE

[Fun2BMe]

Glad to hear things are working out for the better. I had a feeling they would! Keep us posted with the progress.

[Dante86]

I realise this is an older post, i'm only 20 but it annoys me that someone around my age would do this with a married woman it seems the moral line these days is quite thin, also did u ever confront the guy about this? man i would have beaten the crap outa him.

[Guest]

Yes Lighthouseseeker please keep us posted on how things are going. I'm very glad to hear you two have decided on the counselling, I think that was a very good move. Dante86 I too am in my twenties and it troubles me to hear that a 19yr old would do that also, actually it troubles me to hear that anyone would do that. Lighthouseseeker I hope your issues can be resolved and that things will work out for you. All the best.

[lighthouseseeker]

Hi everyone,

 

Well, I must admit that I've been going thru a wild rollercoaster ride with this whole ordeal. Seems every week little things happen to fan the flames of my frustration and hurt. What I am realizing is the depth and gravity of my wife's actions- not just with this 19yr old, but a general "vibe" that she has been operating under and became a slave to.

 

Her initial desire for attention was a blanket affair. Basically anyone who would notice....well, what I have come to learn is that alot of guys at the rink noticed; picked up her "vibes". The other day her boss called and said he was going in on one of the off days and that if my kids wanted to skate, he would pick them up. Well, since my kids have been playing they have NEVER gotten a ride from anyone (I'm very protective of them), much less this guy who is 40 and single, still lives with roommates, and chases women like crazy. My question to my wife was "why out of the blue would he assume my kids needed a ride?" After 5 years and hundreds of games and practices, WE get them there!

 

Deductive reasoning says that he also noticed my wife's changing behavior and picked up on her unsaid intentions. I beleived he was going for the nice guy approach ("just trying to be helpful") and targeted my children as his ploy. He sensed and saw the weakness in our marraige and thought to exploit it. I called him straight out and told him that I did not appreciate him injecting himself in our or our kids lives, and that if we wanted him to give them a ride, WE WOULD HAVE ASKED HIM! Of course he told me he didn't mean anything by it and that he is just a "nice, friendly guy."

 

It really pissed me off and I told my wife that her year of playing the "desperate housewife" will continue to have residual effects as long as she works there. She of course said "thats just the way he is", " he's intrusive like that because he's immature, blah, blah blah." She doesn't realize that people only do what they think they can, or what they think they can get away with. The message she has sent out screams infidelity. These guys simply responded.

 

She stops working there at the end of August and it's not soon enough. I feel totally disrepected, and I feel she really disrespected the kids who by the way, are not blind or deaf. She claims she wasn't thinking, that she just wanted to feel desired, wanted and exciting. Well, she got it and I'm still not sure what the cost will be.

 

Lately there has been alot of sex and affection from her, But I can't help but feel it's kind of the rebound thing. Where was all of this attraction and emotion 3 months ago? A year ago? It just seems a bit contrived, a bit phony and exaggerated. Maybe all of this has made me suspicious of her true feelings and has partially blinded me. But to tell you the truth, I feel pretty damn clear.....crystal.

 

I'm pissed, I admit it. Part of me feels like this 19 year old should not just get off "scot-free", that he needs to see and understand the damage he has done to this family. Yes, I have considered many times altering his appearance, doing him great bodily harm, and all that stuff.......But why? The theif gained entrance because MY WIFE granted him entrance. He only did what theives do; get as much as he can while he can, and leave without a trace.

 

She has actually been upbeat. Perky even. Makes me sick that she acts as if nothing has happened. She even has the nerve to roll her eyes and act exasperated when I bring this crap up. It's like she hates to hear about it, like she wants to supress it before anymore unknown facts come out thru dialog. Still hiding, and still lying..... I think she's convincing herself, because nothing she has said or done indicates to me that she has truly realized that level of damage she caused.

 

When we go to counseling she puts on her best Academy Award winning performance. Lots of external blame and finger pointing. Skirting the hard questions and issues that have plagued us for years before all this mess. She feels if we don't talk about it, it will just go away. We tried that before and that's how we got in this position in the first place.

 

God can I talk! (type) I'm sorry, it's just that I have nowhere else to turn for help and right now I feel like a puddle of mud. I have gotten lots of interesting perspectives from all of you, and much needed comfort and encouragement from most of you....... thank you all for pulling me from the ledge....

 

WOW!!! all of this emotion from me.......maybe I'm having an EA with you guys????? I'm kidding, I'm kidding!!!!!

 

I guess now the juices are sour, and I don't know if they will ever be sweet to me again.

 

 

I'll be in touch....

 

LIGHTHOUSE

[Fun2BMe]

The least she could do after all the damage is to quit the job now instead dragging it on for another month knowing how much it is hurting you and flaunting herself for all the men. On top of it, she is doing all of this in front of your children. What kind of a mother and wife is she? Not a good one.

 

She doesn't care how much it is hurting you to see her careless behavior and lack of remorse. It's almost as though she has this hidden resentment towards you and she is purposely making you hurt. Don't focus any of your anger at the 19 year old. Don't call him a theif because what if he was developing feelings for her? You don't know what his intentions and feelings were and that is besides the point. You should't think of causing him bodily harm either or aiming any of your anger at him. It is all your wife's fault and don't let her blame the 19 year old. She knows better than him and being a married mother should not have pursued the repulsive affair with him.

 

And for that man to want to pick up your children? Again it is your wife's fault. She must be flaunting herself so much that he feels comfortable coming to your house! Your wife has serious issues and I feel sorry for you for having to deal with her immaturity and selfishness.

[Guest]

Ok about this boss of hers, how long has she known him for? Are they friends? Because for him to know that your kids go skating she obviously must talk about them. I'm confused about this without knowing some more information. It does seem like out of the blue, but if she's known him for awhile and he offers to drive them then that doesn't seem so bad (imo). It's possible he's trying to seem like "the nice guy", but again I don't know all the circumstances. Curious, why is she leaving her job? Because you asked her?

 

Anyway it's possible the extra sex and attention is her way of expressing that she feels guilty...yet she doesn't seem to act as though the situation is serious. Either she doesn't realize it, or she doesn't care. Both of you have very different ways of dealing with problems. Make it clear to her that this IS serious, and just because she doesn't think it is doesn't mean you feel the same. People who love each other RESPECT each other and their emotions, and don't do things to continually hurt their partner.

 

Yeah I can see why she puts on her best face in front of your counsellor, she doesn't want to be the one to blame. I agree with Fun2BMe when she says not to focus your anger on the 19yr old (even though he can be partly to blame) your wife is the one who you're supposed to love and trust, you don't expect loyalty from a 19yr old stranger.

 

A blunt question for you, do you think your wife really is "putting herself out there" to attract other men? I honestly can't tell, but is it possible that since you caught her and the 19yr old that you are having insecurities about the other men that pay her any attention (even if it may be harmless)? Because if you think she's trying to attract more men, this is quite a problem and I think has gotta be addressed head on and right away! You have to know exactly how she feels about you, if your relationship can move forward! I know I state the obvious, but sometimes we overlook the big questions and instead look for little meanings here and there. Whoa if this relationship is going to be fixed it's gonna take some work. I really think your wife needs to realize how much she's actually hurt you, and the best way is to tell her. It's ok emotions are only natural, talk as much as you want. keep us updated, and good luck.