cold feet guys?

[rainshadow]

Hi everyone:

 

My big question for all of you out there who are married or are about to get married, is how much should we worry if our partner gets cold feet? I'm 30 and about to get married in less than two weeks and everything has been wonderful save for a situation which arose today.

 

He ended up getting advice from a friend of ours who was married and is now divorced and who is now in an 'open' relationship. His previous marriage ended (he was only 28 at the time) because they grew apart and he became a bit restless and ended up cheating on her.

 

Having heard this, my fiance became worried that the same thing will happen to us as one of his issues is the novelty of sleeping with someone new. Essentially, while he's deeply in love with me and wants nothing more than to marry me, he's worried about his the desire for sleeping with other people in the future. This is something we've dealt with about over the last couple years but it's not as if he's out there flirting with other women all the time. Having been with lots of women up until he met me, he is emotionally ready to settle down and he realizes that the sex is just part of continuously searching. However, I think a part of him is afraid of being with the same body for the rest of his life.

 

I should back up here and explain what kind of a fantastic relationship my fiance and I have aside from this fact. It's been a lot of hard work, but we have confronted ourselves to be with each other through dealing with childhood issues and then learning to be adults with each other. We're best friends who communicate about everything and we're compatible on every other level except when it comes to this issue on cheating or being monogamous.

 

My fiance has brought up the possibility of having an open relationship in the future - whether that would be swinging or allowing the other person to sleep with other people. On some levels, I have also pondered this as it can add spice to a sexual relationship, however I disagree with using it as a substitute for it - and moreso as a way of filling one person's need while the other one feels hurt by it. My fiance knows that I will not submit myself to the idea just to 'hang on' or make him happy. And I know in his heart of hearts that he loves me dearly and is not interested in having emotional affairs with other women, but rather it's more of a physical thing. I do think that it would take a tremendous amount of trust and strength for a relationship to withstand sexual openness, and both people will really have to want it.

 

In the past, my fiance has cheated on a previous girlfriend, but he has worked hard to become a different person now. Whereas before he would hide or not tell the truth about what he wanted or needed, he is honest and forthright about his feelings.

 

However, his fear about not trusting himself or us becoming like our friend has me feeling incredibly uneasy since we're set to make our path down the aisle in two weeks. While we're open about this stuff, a part of me is afraid that I will be the one who is anxious or worried all the time; wondering whether his desire to sleep with other women will dissipate. What happens in five years when things start to go a bit dry? But should I even worry so much - who can really predict the future or give 100% guarantee?

 

**The last thing I should mention is that we have discussed the possibility that this 'novelty' of sleeping with other women is not specifically about primal sexual desires at all; but perhaps a way of filling some need of his. He still really wants to get married but my concern and reason for writing is that I'm a little bit scared and I want to know how many people out there (esp guys) feel the same way before they get married? Am I worrying too much? Should we all be absolutely certain before going down that aisle?

 

It's difficult to be excited about wedding plans with this looming over my head the next few days... I would really love some suggestions

[a4a]

He still really wants to get married but my concern and reason for writing is that I'm a little bit scared and I want to know how many people out there (esp guys) feel the same way before they get married? Am I worrying too much? Should we all be absolutely certain before going down that aisle?

It's difficult to be excited about wedding plans with this looming over my head the next few days... I would really love some suggestions

 

Yes you should be certain before you are married.

 

You could blame this on a case of cold feet/ marriage pressure. But he needs to know without a doubt that you will not tolerate an open marriage if that is really how you feel.

 

You need to talk to him right now, perhaps with some pre MC before you do marry.

 

In a few years do you want to hear " I told you I did not want to marry you because I need to sleep with other people" or "you knew I had this need so you cannot be angry with me now, it was part of the package you married"

 

If it were me I would ask him to go to pre MC immediatley and get to the bottom of this issue, if needed postpone the wedding. He is walking into this marriage halfassed if this is truly what he needs or wants.

 

What would you tell/advise a dear friend if they told you this same story?

[bab]

I think it's a good sign that the two of you can talk about this. You need to make sure that he realizes that if you never agree to swinging or what not, that it's not appropriate for him to do so. If he is okay with this and you trust that he will abide by this, then there is not much you can do. I don't think these thoughts are uncommon at all. What's uncommon is your ability to talk rationally about them. The majority of people that have such feelings don't let their spouse in on them, and it's hard to discuss/deal with these things as a couple if the other spouse doesn't know.

 

You need to ask yourself what you reaction would be if he did come home and tell you that he slept with another woman. Would that mean immediate divorce? Would you be willing to work through it? Whatever your answer, you need to let him know.

 

Good luck!!

[rainshadow]

thanks for all of the great suggestions everybody. i guess the key question is: will i be able to handle it if the time does come where he is still considering an open relationship and i may not be into it?

 

the thing is, is that we've never really discussed this seriously. it was mostly in passing or hypothetically speaking, and what compounds this whole situation is that my fiance and i have been separated from each other for 2 weeks now. we're living in another country and i came home early to help set up for the wedding while he finished off some details at university.

 

anyway, i guess the question really is up to me but i just wanted to find out the degree to which other men pondered or worried about the idea of monogamy just before they got married. part of me wonders if we should call it off despite the fact that the details are put in motion for two weeks from now... some people say just try it and wait and see b/c there are no guarantees, but to what degree should i be expected to wait and worry? i guess i need to talk some more about this with my fiance.... will keep you all updated thanks for the input!

[bab]

ome people say just try it and wait and see

 

I think this is good advice when starting a new hobby or something. I just don't see marriage as a "wait and see" kind of activity. If this was just something in passing, it might not be that serious.

 

Okay, all you married guys, did you have doubts about monogomy close to your wedding date?

 

I'm a woman, but I admit that I did. No sex with anyone else ever does seem kinda scary. We'd been dating for 5 1/2 years before we tied the knot and I didn't have those feelings before. It was just the knowledge that I was closing that door that seemed kinda scary. But I realized that giving up sex with other men and getting to have my husband by my side for the rest of our lives was well worth the trade.

[a4a]

It was just the knowledge that I was closing that door that seemed kinda scary. But I realized that giving up sex with other men and getting to have my husband by my side for the rest of our lives was well worth the trade.

 

Wow that is interesting..... My H and I discussed this in depth and did not bother us one bit..... even discussed what if one of us could not longer have sex .........what would we do about it after married.

 

Not an issue of trade at all for us..... interesting though that it is for some.

[bab]

Wow that is interesting..... My H and I discussed this in depth and did not bother us one bit..... even discussed what if one of us could not longer have sex .........what would we do about it after married.

 

Not an issue of trade at all for us..... interesting though that it is for some.

 

Hmm...I thought it was a common thing to worry about, I just thought that most people feared the wrath of their significant other to actually admit it. Maybe not. My interest in this subject has just increased. So, what does everyone else think?

[a4a]

Hmm...I thought it was a common thing to worry about, I just thought that most people feared the wrath of their significant other to actually admit it. Maybe not. My interest in this subject has just increased. So, what does everyone else think?

 

Maybe it is because we married in our late 30s and were and are quite satisfied with our sex life together?????

[bab]

Maybe it is because we married in our late 30s and were and are quite satisfied with our sex life together?????

 

Maybe. We are pretty satisfied with our sex life together as well, probably why it didn't come up in the previous 5 years. Maybe it's just a sign of a fear of committment instead of being all about the actual sex? My husband and are a both in our mid to late 20's.

[a4a]

Maybe. We are pretty satisfied with our sex life together as well, probably why it didn't come up in the previous 5 years. Maybe it's just a sign of a fear of committment instead of being all about the actual sex? My husband and are a both in our mid to late 20's.

 

Well I did have cold feet as well but not for the reason of never having sex with anyone else... hell lots of things besides marriage could cause that to happen. The only fear I had was of him not living up to his part of the commitment. But he will, could he cheat on me..... he could...... but he won't.

 

If I still had the slightest notion that I would be giving up or have to trade off for something I really cared about or may have wanted I never would have married him.

[bab]

Well I did have cold feet as well but not for the reason of never having sex with anyone else... hell lots of things besides marriage could cause that to happen. The only fear I had was of him not living up to his part of the commitment. But he will, could he cheat on me..... he could...... but he won't.

 

If I still had the slightest notion that I would be giving up or have to trade off for something I really cared about or may have wanted I never would have married him.

 

 

Maybe I've made it sound more significant than it was. My cold feet were a combination of things, and never having sex with someone else was just one of the line items. Ironically, it was never about him living up to anything, I have complete confidence in his husbandly qualities, they were more so about me being able to be a "good" wife.

 

So, I didn't feel like I was trading something that I "really cared about" by giving up sex with others. I mean, I haven't had sex with anyone else in almost 6 years and I don't feel like I've been missing out. It was just the concept of now I know I never will that seemed scary.