not cold feet, but... fear?

[rainshadow]

Hi everyone:

 

My big question for all of you out there who are married or are about to get married, is how much should we worry if our partner gets cold feet? I'm 30 and about to get married in less than two weeks and everything has been wonderful save for a situation which arose today.

 

He ended up getting advice from a friend of ours who was married and is now divorced and who is now in an 'open' relationship. His previous marriage ended (he was only 28 at the time) because they grew apart and he became a bit restless and ended up cheating on her.

 

Having heard this, my fiance became worried that the same thing will happen to us as one of his issues is the novelty of sleeping with someone new. Essentially, while he's deeply in love with me and wants nothing more than to marry me, he's worried about his the desire for sleeping with other people in the future. This is something we've dealt with about over the last couple years but it's not as if he's out there flirting with other women all the time. Having been with lots of women up until he met me, he is emotionally ready to settle down and he realizes that the sex is just part of continuously searching. However, I think a part of him is afraid of being with the same body for the rest of his life.

 

I should back up here and explain what kind of a fantastic relationship my fiance and I have aside from this fact. It's been a lot of hard work, but we have confronted ourselves to be with each other through dealing with childhood issues and then learning to be adults with each other. We're best friends who communicate about everything and we're compatible on every other level except when it comes to this issue on cheating or being monogamous.

 

My fiance has brought up the possibility of having an open relationship in the future - whether that would be swinging or allowing the other person to sleep with other people. On some levels, I have also pondered this as it can add spice to a sexual relationship, however I disagree with using it as a substitute for it - and moreso as a way of filling one person's need while the other one feels hurt by it. My fiance knows that I will not submit myself to the idea just to 'hang on' or make him happy. And I know in his heart of hearts that he loves me dearly and is not interested in having emotional affairs with other women, but rather it's more of a physical thing. I do think that it would take a tremendous amount of trust and strength for a relationship to withstand sexual openness, and both people will really have to want it.

 

In the past, my fiance has cheated on a previous girlfriend, but he has worked hard to become a different person now. Whereas before he would hide or not tell the truth about what he wanted or needed, he is honest and forthright about his feelings.

 

However, his fear about not trusting himself or us becoming like our friend has me feeling incredibly uneasy since we're set to make our path down the aisle in two weeks. While we're open about this stuff, a part of me is afraid that I will be the one who is anxious or worried all the time; wondering whether his desire to sleep with other women will dissipate. What happens in five years when things start to go a bit dry? But should I even worry so much - who can really predict the future or give 100% guarantee?

 

**The last thing I should mention is that we have discussed the possibility that this 'novelty' of sleeping with other women is not specifically about primal sexual desires at all; but perhaps a way of filling some need of his. He still really wants to get married but my concern and reason for writing is that I'm a little bit scared and I want to know how many people out there (esp guys) feel the same way before they get married? Am I worrying too much? Should we all be absolutely certain before going down that aisle?

 

It's difficult to be excited about wedding plans with this looming over my head the next few days... I would really love some suggestions

[Outcast]

I think a part of him is afraid of being with the same body for the rest of his life.

 

I don't get this. You have the same basic equipment as any other woman just as he has the same basic equipment as any other man. It's not as though you're changing species or anything. So what's the big deal about a new body?

 

I mean, if people came in completely different flavours or something I could see wanting plum every now and then if you've had a lot of apple but skin's skin.

[norajane]

It might not be a bad idea to get some pre-marital counseling. Someone who is talking about possibly swinging or having an open relationship one day because he might get bored sleeping with you after a while...sounds like he might not be ready to make a commitment. And marriage is most definitely a commitment.

 

You both need to agree on what that commitment means to both of you, what is and isn't out of bounds, and whether you want the sword of an open relationship hanging over your head all the time just waiting for the day it drops.

 

His friend with the open relationship is a minority in the world of couples. Open relationships do not work unless both people are in agreement on having one, and are in complete agreement on the specific rules of what an open relationship means. Is he really certain that he'd be ok with YOU being with other men after you're married? What makes him think he could handle that? What if you fall in love with one of them? What if you want to leave him for one of them? I don't think he's thought through this very clearly.