checked gf's email & troubling discoveries resulted

[whattodo838383]

hi all,

 

so i've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half. recently, she moved away to go to grad school. that was about a month ago. in that time, i've visited her a couple of times. ostensibly, things are good. we are happy when we spend time together, speak almost every night, and i am planning a move to be closer to her.

 

so here's where it gets hairy. i've always been ridiculously insecure and jealous. this has led me, from time to time, to log onto her email account to see if anything is up. (i know) nothing ever has been though.... until yesterday. i discovered that she kissed another guy a few weeks ago that she met at school. this is a guy that she tells me she is friends with and that they are just friends. in the email i snooped, to her best friend, she says that she feels like an a**h*** about it but that she feels a bit giddy and knows it's ridiculous. in the same paragraph she describes our relationship as good.

 

i've seen her once since this incident took place and, like i said, everything seemed just great... no odd pulling away or anything of the like. in fact, she seems to act more committed than she did before (despite feeling "giddy")

 

i have no idea what to do. i love this girl to pieces, obviously, or i wouldn't be writing this.

 

without divulging my source, it is clearly impossible to broach the subject. if it's just a stupid thing she regrets, i can get over that (in fact, i've done the same thing myself about a year ago).

 

but i am fearful of changing my life and then being spurned. the fact of the matter is that our relationship has actually been really good -- and like i said, i spy because i have a serious problem with insecurity (slash self-esteem).

 

part of me wants to say, hey i looked at your email and saw you kissed a guy, wtf is your problem? part of me wants to pretend the whole thing never happened, but i don't know what it will be like down the line when she says "oh i'm hanging out with my friend jake tonight."

 

any advice would be appreciated,

 

thx

[THX2000]

hi all,

 

so i've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half. recently, she moved away to go to grad school. that was about a month ago. in that time, i've visited her a couple of times. ostensibly, things are good. we are happy when we spend time together, speak almost every night, and i am planning a move to be closer to her.

 

so here's where it gets hairy. i've always been ridiculously insecure and jealous. this has led me, from time to time, to log onto her email account to see if anything is up. (i know) nothing ever has been though.... until yesterday. i discovered that she kissed another guy a few weeks ago that she met at school. this is a guy that she tells me she is friends with and that they are just friends. in the email i snooped, to her best friend, she says that she feels like an a**h*** about it but that she feels a bit giddy and knows it's ridiculous. in the same paragraph she describes our relationship as good.

 

i've seen her once since this incident took place and, like i said, everything seemed just great... no odd pulling away or anything of the like. in fact, she seems to act more committed than she did before (despite feeling "giddy")

 

i have no idea what to do. i love this girl to pieces, obviously, or i wouldn't be writing this.

 

without divulging my source, it is clearly impossible to broach the subject. if it's just a stupid thing she regrets, i can get over that (in fact, i've done the same thing myself about a year ago).

 

but i am fearful of changing my life and then being spurned. the fact of the matter is that our relationship has actually been really good -- and like i said, i spy because i have a serious problem with insecurity (slash self-esteem).

 

part of me wants to say, hey i looked at your email and saw you kissed a guy, wtf is your problem? part of me wants to pretend the whole thing never happened, but i don't know what it will be like down the line when she says "oh i'm hanging out with my friend jake tonight."

 

any advice would be appreciated,

 

thx

 

That's a tough one. Here's how I would handle this:

I would confront her with the fact that you sense something is srong and is there anything she needs to tell you. She should come clean about this and if she does then you can discuss what needs to happen in order for your relationship to move forward. If she tells you nothing then is this someone that you can trust or want to be with? Trust me on this that if she denies this then she probably has LOT's more to hide. Also, I would send yourself a copy of the e-mail that you found from her account so that you have the proof if you need it. I would not let on you know about the e-mail unless you have to as she will immediately either change her password or open a secret e-mail account that you won't know about.

[scrybe74]

I totally disagree. Listen, relationships aren't about knowing every little detail of the other person's life. How could you live your life stressing over whether she's committed to you or not. She is or isn't. You yourself made a little 'mistake' and kissed someone but it hasn't changed how you feel about her. You blew it off and moved on. Shouldn't she be allowed the right to make similar mistakes? If you want to confront her and spy on her....then first you must admit to your own indiscretion. Then give her all access to all of your personal emails, then let her talk to all of your friends and family and ex gf's to find out every little detail of your life.......Do you really think it's important for her to know every mistake or case of bad judgement you ever made? Then what gives you the right to snoop on her personal thoughts and feelings?

 

Sometimes in relationships we test our feelings for the other and do stupid things. Other than all out cheating on you I think this was very minor but I predict that you'll never be happy if you constantly spy on her. You'll never trust her and you'll never relax.

 

Allow her to have life outside of you. There is real meaning behind the old saying - "If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever" By constantly spying on your gf or spouse - in a sense you are not letting them go free.

 

You must get in your head that if she's going to cheat....there is NOTHING you can do to prevent it from happening. You'll find out soon enough. If you don't trust her...then find someone that you CAN trust. I'd rather be alone and sad than in a 'loving' relationship with no trust.

 

Just my humble opinion

[sugarplum]

There is real meaning behind the old saying - "If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever" By constantly spying on your gf or spouse - in a sense you are not letting them go free.

 

 

I totally love and agree with your quote. It can be very hard to live by though. Especially if you were raised the way I was....around our house the old familiar saying was "If you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves with it!"

 

Letting someone go free is hardest when the suspicion is already there. Its easy to do when you are sure there is nothing to worry about. Still good advice tho.

[blind_otter]

Did you tell her about your indiscretion?

[scrybe74]

I totally love and agree with your quote. It can be very hard to live by though. Especially if you were raised the way I was....around our house the old familiar saying was "If you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves with it!"

 

Letting someone go free is hardest when the suspicion is already there. Its easy to do when you are sure there is nothing to worry about. Still good advice tho.

 

Lol - I suppose the 'rope' quote follows the same train of thought. Bad people do bad things. My philosophy is to give people a chance to be trustworthy. When they do something to violate my trust....that's when it's time to cut them out of my life. Maybe it's just me...I've never been the type to not trust a g/f before. I may or may not have been cheated on but I don't feel that I ever was. Ultimately the past relationships ended because of other reasons. I'm in a relationship now and I really do trust her and I hope that she's worthy of my trust. I would be very surprised if she ever cheated on me. But then I would simply prepare to move on. Anyone who would cheat on me behind my back never loved me and certainly wasn't deserving of my love.

 

I'm a strong believer in Karma and I believe cheaters almost always get found out. Usually...they ....(smirk)....Hang....(chuckle) themselves (lolrotf).....

 

-sigh-

 

damn I'm funny....

[Computer]

Hi man,

 

And sorry to hear about your situation. It honestly hurts and we all feel for you. I'm pretty sure that just about all of the "responders/posters" on this site knows how it feels to be hurt - in one way or another. And we've all at some point thought of our pain to be the worst POSSIBLE... I know I have. But then I sit and read of yet another mans troubles and can actually feel his/her pain through their mere "TEXT"!

 

To be honest, I've done the exact same thing with my GF. Went through her mail and learned that she was recently cheating in the relationship. Yes, it feels good to know that you're not the only person dealing with the problem. I mean, she didn't act any different in my presence which was good in a way. But it makes you wonder if she's a clever, yet skanky cheating artist who can cover even a skunks scent! lol - the thought of the past pisses me of. But checking her mail wont do you any justice if you don't act upon it. The only thing you can do is stress, worry and wonder. Other than that, you have a choice - and that is to stay or go. But you now understand that people make mistakes even when they love you to DEATH, just as you did. The last thing I want you to do is to up and leave her. I know for a fact that you love her and YOU can't even convince me that you don't now, lol. But I'm going to challenge you.

 

I want you to stop reading her mail. Yes, it's alot easier said than done but it will help YOU. We're not only here to help you deal with her kissing another man - but like you said yourself, you have a insecurity issue. Give her another chance and allow her to be in YOUR presence again. Just as you made the mistake of cheating on her, she never found out. But you decided to make a change, even without having to deal with losing her! This should have been a similar scenario with her. She seems to love you the same even after the incedent. Allow her to change because I'm sure she loves you just as much, man. It hurts, and it's hard to let the situation go but you can do it. There's no one there forcing you to check her mail so do away with it - you're a man! You both have issues to deal with as we all can see. Your insecurity can only do harm; that along with your low self-esteem. Now I don't know if you are a religious man or not; but if you are, ask God (or whoever) to help you with your issues because they are more serious than people make of them to be. Pray for her. Ask God (or whoever) to make her a stronger person if she is the one for you. Now maybe you don't take it (or me) so serious about this now but when your relationship is at its dangling threads, you'll be doing just about ANYTHING to fix it... and the same goes for her. It's funny how we all realize how much we love someone ONLY when we've nearly lost them - or they're gone.

 

_________________________

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't... -- Anonymous

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[preferwhispers]

I'm the OP. I was having trouble logging in and eventually posted this message twice....

 

Anyway, I find your comments incredibly helpful.

 

Scrybe -- I think you are right. I made the same mistake and moved on with a renewed focus in our relationship. The only real difference is that she didn't snoop through all of my emails and find out about it. She trusts me, and that is probably one reason why that never happened again.

 

I did something similar to what Shineshop said. I called her yesterday to have a status talk. I told her that I was having feelings of jealousy about all of her new guy friends, particularly one who she hangs out with frequently and gets rides from. I actually ended up asking rather pointed questions in order to elicit an admission (i.e. 'have any of your friends expressed romantic interest in you?'. As I expected, I didn't get one. The conversation was a bit strange, but she did not express annoyance about the fact that I was asking. Instead, she took all efforts to explain that I have nothing to worry about, that she is not the type of person to pursue a relationship while in one, and knows that I am not that type either. I emphasized the continuing need for honesty in our relationship.

 

At one point I told her that it was odd because if I screwed up and kissed some girl, I probably wouldn't tell her about it. Her response: "Of course, and why wouldn't you tell." My answer: "Because it would destroy our relationship, and because I knew that it was stupid, I would be heartbroken to end things over something like that." Her response: "Exactly." (this answers blind_otter's question as well)

 

I took this to mean what Scrybe is saying, that people sometimes do stupid things to test themselves in their relationships (which I know firsthand) and that this was one of those times. I gave her plenty of outs, and if she was unsure about remaining committed she could have expressed that without losing face. But she didn't.

 

So where does that leave me? First, the fact that I know something that I should not know (even if I feel it's not world-ending) sucks. Especially given that I know she sees this person frequently (but hasn't repeated this in the two weeks, anyway). (Meanwhile the "giddy" comment to her friend is driving me crazy...) This blows and it will take a while before I stop thinking about it obsessively.

 

Second, I believe that she wants to remain committed. She acts like it, and she talks like it. I believe that this was a screw-up. If I'm wrong, as Scrybe says, I will find out in due time. But anticipating it will not help, it will only make it more likely.

 

Finally, Computer and Scrybe are dead-on. This snooping thing has got to stop. It is killing me. There are things that I should not know, and I will never ever be able to build trust if I don't start giving some trust. I can't go on in this or any relationship thinking the other shoe is about to drop.

 

It's odd that finding this out would lead me to the conclusion that I need to trust her more. But I really don't have a choice. Trust her - and move on, or don't trust her - and end it now. The former is likely to prove difficult at first, but the latter is something I just can't accept at the moment.

 

Who knows where all of this will take us, but I just don't want to let my insecurities destroy what could otherwise be GOOD.

 

Am I on target?

[Pantero]

And this is why people should never give out their email passwords...

 

It's gonna eat away at you. Tell her you were being a dick, invaded her privacy, and are now pissed off she kissed another dude. Tell her you did the same thing and now you're gonna throw this back in her face.

 

Then, do some soul-searching and see where it goes. Good luck.

[Cecelius]

I hate to say this, but I only agree with the stuff about checking her email.

 

For my money, yes it is lame that you search her email, but the fact is that she cheated on you.

 

Read that again: She cheated on you.

 

For my money, the fact that she may leave you is secondary -- that is always a risk in any relationship. But, she "kissed"* another guy.

 

I think you have your answer -- she cheated, then denied it, and is still "giddy" over the other guy.

 

She should get dumped, right now, no questions asked. You don't have to hate her, since she was just wandering out of the relationship anyway, and, frankly, the insecure vibe that you may give off may be why she migrated away.

 

*I have heard more than one story in the world where a girl will only partially confess to what really happened to her friend. Her friend is going to be with her for a long time and she doesn't need to have the friend fully judging her. I would not, honestly, rely on that email to be the full extent of what happened. More importantly, if this was the type of thing where he made a move that she did not deflect fast enough, but she was still repentant or unhappy, etc., she would be avoiding the other guy.

[Touche]

Stop with the jealousy. I haven't read all the replies yet but people who are constantly suspicious and jealous CAN push someone into things they might not ordinarily even do or think about. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to stop it. I've dealt with this so I know. I'm a very loyal person but someone like you can actually push me to do things I wouldn't normally think about.

 

It's human nature to push back when one is pushed. Don't give her any reasons to rebel. In time you will see her true nature. Just don't force her in a direction that you don't want her to go. And yes, in a way you are forcing her with your jealousy and your posessiveness.

 

So stop it.

[XDOR]

First, don't ever tell her that you are reading her e-mails. Never. If you tell her, it will only make things worse. Believe me.

(I agree with others, you should have not read them in first place, but...)

Now, here is what I would do:

First, trust her for now. Maybe it's the only time she did it and will not do it again. After all, you did the same, you cannot obligate her to be 100% faithful if you weren't.

But if it happens again, that's it, leave her. If she asks you why, just reply "because I cheated on you a year ago, and I cannot continue this relation with this guilt fealing". That way you will make her feel that you really love her, and will feel bad of her own acts.

And there is a slight chance, if she really loves you, that she will later tell you "I'm sorry, I have done the same to you but haven't been as honest as you..." and fix everything...

[Spectre]

Dump her simply for being stupid enough to give you her pw and then proceed to discuss her kissing another dude in the very same email account, i mean come on people common sense.

[Jadey]

She should have never kissed someone else! I mean WTF? I would actually be honest with her and tell her you were insecure and went through her emails, and seen she had kissed someone else. Okay, it maybe wasn't the best thing for you to do, but she's the one that is in the wrong in my opinion. If she loved you/really liked you WHY would she want to kiss someone else? lol. And didn't you say that she stills "hang" with this guy?? Hmm, interesting. I would personally just have it out with her and be honest, nothing more and nothing less. I would rather know the truth than having to worry about it. But it might be a good idea to ask her if she has anything to tell you FIRST, and if she denies it, I say there is a big problem!

 

Good luck.

.

[Computer]

Hi again,

To be more complete, I guess I should have looked at your situation in more than one way. Yet another option would be to admit your wrong doings. I know it sounds risky but you could then confront her. What is SO odd is to hear people say this would ruin the relationship. Well yes it very well could. But on the other hand, it could tell a story about your future with her.

 

If she just happen to get up and leave you, then you've saved yourself the chance of even MORE heartache. Not buying this? Think about it. Who in their right mind would leave the one they love 'oh so much' just because of a privacy invasion? Maybe some of you reading this definately would - but hey, that's an issue YOU need to tackle. It takes alot more than that, man. Now it may cause a huge argument - and there's the chance that she wont call for a couple of days, but I'm damn sure it wouldn't break the two of you apart. I hope I'm making some sort of sense to the hard-headed ones reading this. And as stated before, you shouldn't be so insecure and jealous. It really does some strange things to the human.... especially woman! But I honestly don't think it's an excuse and this is for the woman who said jealousy would push her to do strange things. I'd say it's BS. Period. IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT, LEAVE THE DAMN RELATIONSHIP!!! SAVE YOUR MATE (and yourself) THE HEARTACHE! What more can I say?

 

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