CLUELESS! =)

[Ann Bradford]

Hello Everyone out there!

 

Just wondering if anyone could give me some advice/insight into a situation of mine! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

 

I am a 22 year old girl who just recently graduated college this past May. So, for the past 4 years, I have lived away at college. In that time, the relationships I have had have been sometimes fleeting..and sometimes lasting. ANYWAYS, even though they have all been different..the one thing they had in commom was that they were college relationships. Meaning, seeing that I saw these people everday, we rarely went on nice dates, or did exciting things alone together. it was just a totally different dating experience than it is now, that I am living back at home. Those of you that went away to college know what I am talking about. ANyways...

 

I moved back home this summer and for a number of different reasons , ended up breakingup with my college boyfriend. He just was not fulfilling me emotionally whatsoever, if you can understand that. All I can say is that we just never "clicked".

 

Shortly after that, I met this AWESOME guy...at a bar one night when i was out with some girlfriends. Now, this is not me. I never meet guys at bars..and give out my #. I am just use to meeting guys thru mutual friends..or when I was away at school. Now...this guy seemed really cute and nice..but I wasn't setting myself up for anything. But there was just SOMETHING about him. This was at the end of the summer, in August.

 

He ends up calling me a few days later..and to make a long story short..We have pretty much hung out almost every weekend since. The problem is..I am wicked shy. He is use to dating girls...like, casual relationships, I think. However, he does often say things to leadme to believe he may want something more out of this. We rarely have the opportunity to talk about "us", if that even exists. But there is that SOMETHING about him. I really feel like he and i connect. We "click", so to speak. He has told me before that I am very different from any other girl he has ever been with, that I am a "good girl".And that he likes me...etc.,

 

Another thing is that we have barely even hooked up yet! It has been 3 months and we have only kissed a few times. I am too shy..and I think he may be too. We both still live at home..so its tough to go somewhere and to be alone.

 

3 months later and I am starting to feel like he may be losing interest?? I dont know. He doesnt call or e-mail as much as he use to. But then he will do something to make me think he is definitely into me! Like we still hang out..but I don;t know. I am the type of person who needs constant reassurance. I am rather insecure/paranoid about stupid things.

 

I like this guy more and more every time we hang out. He possess so many great qualties I look for in a guy! It's just that I have too much damn pride to let him know. I want to open up to him and to escalate this relationship into the next step, however, I am too afraid of rejection or something???

 

What do I do? How can I ask him what he thinks about this whole situation without seeming cheesey? Here I am, thinking this is the start of some great relationship..whereas who knows, he could be dating 3 other girls he met at a bar!?! Not sure what to do. How can I swallow my pride and get my point across to this guy without seeing like a dork? I am able to express myself way better in writing than in words. Should I send him an e-mail? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! You would think I was a 14 year old girl with a crush! I just shut down when we are together and I really think I may be giving him the wrong impression!

[Tony T]

You gotta make a move. Open up and tell him how you feel and tell him you want more out of the relationship.

 

Yes, rejection is hell...but so is regret.

[Carrie]

First off, you must be from Massachusettes (Boston area). The "wicked" shy gave it away. "Wicked" used to be a big part of my vocabulary in college too.

 

Anyway, I hear and understand everything you're saying about the college dating thing. It is totally different. Also keep in mind one thing, dating guys you meet in bars, very rarely work out. My brother did marry a girl he met in a bar, but if you know my brother, he's a pretty straight forward, non-one night stand, non-player type guy. Very rare to find that in a bar scene. Most guys tend to go to a bar with a certain goal in mind...to meet fun women. Most women go to a bar with the idea in mind...to meet a nice guy, possibly a boyfriend, and maybe a future husband. With this in mind....most relationships don't work and when the guy realizes he's dating "a nice girl" and he didn't want that, he'll walk away or slow it down until it fades.

 

It sounds like this guy came on strong looking for one thing and leading you to believe another. Maybe his intentions at first were, I want something with this women or maybe his intentions were to find a steady sleeping date. Whatever his intentions, he showing you he doesn't want anything through his actions...and actions speak louder than words. He knows you're a "nice girl" and he doesn't want to hurt you, which is why he throws you a bone every now and then. He's not ready for a "nice girl" and probably won't be for a while. He feels bad that he's changed his mind about wanting something with you (if he ever really wanted something) and doesn't want to hurt you and is to chicken to be a man and tell you. By doing this, he's actually torchuring you and hurting you more, because he's leading you on, when he should just end it. He's being selfish. He instead is distancing himself, hoping you won't notice or that it will slowly let you down, until everything just disappears, then he won't feel like a horrible person for having led you on.

 

Just remember a bit of advice. Guys who come on the strongest, are gone the quickest. Whenever you meet a guy that comes on strong, tells you you're the one he wants to get serious with, marry, have children with or compliments you continually within the first month, just know they're usually going to be gone within the next month or two. These relationships don't last and these are the most hurtful. A lot of women fall for this because the guy makes them feel so loved and special, when it's not real love. A guy that really loves you, will take things slow, let things progress at a slow and normal level, letting the other slowly get to fully know who they are inside and out w/o pressure. Real love takes time and there's someone out there who will want to know everything about you over a long period of time. That will be the guy who will be there for you to rely on through good and bad times. Wait for it, and don't rush into it with a jerk like this guy. He really doesn't know you and you really don't know him. It takes time to know someone (after all we're all just humans) and it's not instantaneous, even though it sometimes feels like it is.

 

You'll be ok, just don't let this guy in anymore. He's not going to be there for you and you deserve better.