radioactivegirl Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 Every guy I've had a long term relationship with seems to feel it's ok to blow me off every once in a while. Even my x husband and live in b-friend. All I ask for is a simple phone call and even that seems too hard. The latest guy I've been with (2months) has been nothing but nice and attentive and has always called when he said he would. We both say it seems like we've known eachother forever. We've already said the L word. Things have gone kind of fast but we've both said that we've just clicked. I've met his mom & family several times & he's met part of my(large)family. He said he wants to have kids w/ me (yes we've slept together). We see each other mainly on the weekends and have gone out many times. We talk on the phone almost every day. This past Fri. we went out and I stayed over at his place. I knew he was going out with an old buddy on Sat. so I said bye on sat. He said I'll call you tomorrow. I said ok and I'll make you dinner tomorrow night. Wrong. He finally left me a vm on Mon 1030am. When I asked him what was up he said he didn't have my #(which he has said prior to this that he hadn't memorized it) and was out all day and couldn't call me and it was late when he got home. I was sooooo pissed and really hurt and scared that something had happened to him cause this was very out of character for him. I said this was unacceptable and why did he do this. He apologized and said he didn't think we had solid plans and was surprised that I was so mad. I felt taken for granted, not a priority and like a sucker. Am I too sensitive? Do I make it seem ok to do this (cause I'm real laid back)? I told him had he called me in the morn. and said we're gonna go watch the game can we postpone dinner I would have been like ok no biggie. But I cannot stand just being blown off. Is it me? Is this normal Am I too sensitive or are m feelings valid? Help before my heart gets stepped on again. Thanks.
Tony T Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 You are a bit sensitive but at the same time I think you're justified in being upset when somebody doesn't call or show up when they're supposed to. It sounds like he may have thought those dinner plans were rather tentative. He also may have gotten tied up, like he said, and didn't have your number around. He obviously counted on you being more understanding that you were. The best position to take is try to understand and consider each case without flying off the handle. Let people know you like to be informed of changes in plans. If an individual does this to you more than once or twice, write him off. But human beings will disappoint you until the day you die. Be nice to yourself and try not to get so upset about what humans do or don't do. Things are worse on other planets.
Third Wheel Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 I agree with Tony -- you are being a bit sensitive, but at the same time, as you said, this was out of character for him and made you concerned. You're getting serious with this man and are now at a vulnerable point. A part of you is probably looking for any hint that this may not be right and this just magnifies what would otherwise be easier to excuse. It sounds to me like he's been very trustworthy and dependable until this happened. If this becomes part of a recurring pattern then you have to let him know that you just can't tolerate it. But for now, give him the benefit of the doubt because it really sounds like he deserves it. You are a bit sensitive but at the same time I think you're justified in being upset when somebody doesn't call or show up when they're supposed to. It sounds like he may have thought those dinner plans were rather tentative. He also may have gotten tied up, like he said, and didn't have your number around. He obviously counted on you being more understanding that you were. The best position to take is try to understand and consider each case without flying off the handle. Let people know you like to be informed of changes in plans. If an individual does this to you more than once or twice, write him off. But human beings will disappoint you until the day you die. Be nice to yourself and try not to get so upset about what humans do or don't do. Things are worse on other planets.
Laurynn Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 Yikes! Reading your post was eerily similar to reading something I may have written in the past. Right down to the letter. First off, let me say that I can totally relate. I've been in relationships just like this......where you instantly click, you feel like you've known each other forever, within a month or two you are using the "L" word, you are already discussing a future together, bla bla bla. God, how I've been there. Take it from me, relationships that go 'this fast' have a very low success rate. I'm not sure why exactly...I think it's a combination of things: -you both get so caught up in the intial infatuation/newness of the relationship/excitement of the relationship/excitement of believing you've found 'the one' -you move to fast in the relationship that you don't take the time to REALLY develop a deep friendship/really get to know each other My last two long term relationships were this way. They both lasted about 6 months each. They ended for various reasons, but the bottom line was that although things were "perfect" in the beginning, as the months went by, their true colors emerged.....and it was a real eye opener. I can totally understand you being miffed for him blowing you off like that. Rule #1: Some guys just say "I'll call you" but to them it's sort of like the thing to say, sorta like "talk to you later".....do they really mean for sure that they'll call you? Maybe, maybe not. They might not even remember having said it to you. Is it annoying? Hell yes, but I'm sure there are women who do it too. My guess is that your guy went out, had a few too many to drink (or a lot), was up all night with his pal (at a club? bar?), got home in the wee hours of the morning and spent Sunday recovering. But I could be wrong. If this was an 'old buddy', one he maybe hadn't seen/hung out with for quite a while, he maybe just felt like hanging out with him all weekend, a 'guy thing'.... If you can, get past this. If it happens again, and again, then you need to re-evaluate things. I am a person of my word, particularly when it comes to dating someone. If I say I'm going to call them, I call them. I don't forget. I think that women, as a rule, tend to be more like this. Maybe it's that we focus more of our thoughts/time/energy into our partner, whereas, guys are more easily sidetracked....and maybe don't *need* to spend as much time with us as we *need* to spend with them. I think that maybe women, moreso than men, guage our "worth" to our partner, by the amount of time they want to spend with them, know what I'm saying? I say just try to slow things down a bit....keep your eyes open for 'red flags'.....realize that the beginning of a relationship is always 'perfect'...the 'honeymoon phase'.....that taking things slowly and trying to go easy on investing all of your heart and energy and emotions into him. I think that relationships that start out with a real bang, that move very quickly, often end up fizzling out just as quickly. L
Tony T Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 Every word Laurynn has written is right on based on my experience. Yet people always insist on going bonkers when they when one of those "it seems like I've known you all my life" people. When men say "I'll call you" I think they really mean it at that time. But, like Laurynn said, they are often sidetracked...or lots of times forget whose number is whose.
Laurynn Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 Quote for the day: Don't cry over spilled milk meooow
radioactivegirl Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 Thanks to all. I agree with everyone's insight so now--how do I slow things down and how do I stop being so sensitive? Yikes! Reading your post was eerily similar to reading something I may have written in the past. Right down to the letter. First off, let me say that I can totally relate. I've been in relationships just like this......where you instantly click, you feel like you've known each other forever, within a month or two you are using the "L" word, you are already discussing a future together, bla bla bla. God, how I've been there. Take it from me, relationships that go 'this fast' have a very low success rate. I'm not sure why exactly...I think it's a combination of things: -you both get so caught up in the intial infatuation/newness of the relationship/excitement of the relationship/excitement of believing you've found 'the one' -you move to fast in the relationship that you don't take the time to REALLY develop a deep friendship/really get to know each other My last two long term relationships were this way. They both lasted about 6 months each. They ended for various reasons, but the bottom line was that although things were "perfect" in the beginning, as the months went by, their true colors emerged.....and it was a real eye opener. I can totally understand you being miffed for him blowing you off like that. Rule #1: Some guys just say "I'll call you" but to them it's sort of like the thing to say, sorta like "talk to you later".....do they really mean for sure that they'll call you? Maybe, maybe not. They might not even remember having said it to you. Is it annoying? Hell yes, but I'm sure there are women who do it too. My guess is that your guy went out, had a few too many to drink (or a lot), was up all night with his pal (at a club? bar?), got home in the wee hours of the morning and spent Sunday recovering. But I could be wrong. If this was an 'old buddy', one he maybe hadn't seen/hung out with for quite a while, he maybe just felt like hanging out with him all weekend, a 'guy thing'.... If you can, get past this. If it happens again, and again, then you need to re-evaluate things. I am a person of my word, particularly when it comes to dating someone. If I say I'm going to call them, I call them. I don't forget. I think that women, as a rule, tend to be more like this. Maybe it's that we focus more of our thoughts/time/energy into our partner, whereas, guys are more easily sidetracked....and maybe don't *need* to spend as much time with us as we *need* to spend with them. I think that maybe women, moreso than men, guage our "worth" to our partner, by the amount of time they want to spend with them, know what I'm saying? I say just try to slow things down a bit....keep your eyes open for 'red flags'.....realize that the beginning of a relationship is always 'perfect'...the 'honeymoon phase'.....that taking things slowly and trying to go easy on investing all of your heart and energy and emotions into him. I think that relationships that start out with a real bang, that move very quickly, often end up fizzling out just as quickly. L
arthropod98 Posted November 20, 2001 Posted November 20, 2001 it may seem a little sensitive of you, but you're watching out for yourself here!! i'm GLAD to see that you at least MENTIONED this to him . . . give yourself credit for that! people don't realize that there are others that EXPECT a call, when someone says they will GIVE one! the problem here is that it has only been 2 months, so i'm not sure you have enough experience with the the courteousness of this guy to know the real story. if you REALLY care for him, then don't forget this episode!! i wouldn't harp on him about it, but keep it in mind. if it happens again, then it may be time to move on. Every guy I've had a long term relationship with seems to feel it's ok to blow me off every once in a while. Even my x husband and live in b-friend. All I ask for is a simple phone call and even that seems too hard. The latest guy I've been with (2months) has been nothing but nice and attentive and has always called when he said he would. We both say it seems like we've known eachother forever. We've already said the L word. Things have gone kind of fast but we've both said that we've just clicked. I've met his mom & family several times & he's met part of my(large)family. He said he wants to have kids w/ me (yes we've slept together). We see each other mainly on the weekends and have gone out many times. We talk on the phone almost every day. This past Fri. we went out and I stayed over at his place. I knew he was going out with an old buddy on Sat. so I said bye on sat. He said I'll call you tomorrow. I said ok and I'll make you dinner tomorrow night. Wrong. He finally left me a vm on Mon 1030am. When I asked him what was up he said he didn't have my #(which he has said prior to this that he hadn't memorized it) and was out all day and couldn't call me and it was late when he got home. I was sooooo pissed and really hurt and scared that something had happened to him cause this was very out of character for him. I said this was unacceptable and why did he do this. He apologized and said he didn't think we had solid plans and was surprised that I was so mad. I felt taken for granted, not a priority and like a sucker. Am I too sensitive? Do I make it seem ok to do this (cause I'm real laid back)? I told him had he called me in the morn. and said we're gonna go watch the game can we postpone dinner I would have been like ok no biggie. But I cannot stand just being blown off. Is it me? Is this normal Am I too sensitive or are m feelings valid? Help before my heart gets stepped on again. Thanks.
yes Posted November 21, 2001 Posted November 21, 2001 If i were u, i'd simply let this one down and keep my eyes wide open for future signs ... when there's 2-3-4 signs of this kind, it's time to move on. what u can to slow things down is be less available - be busy, dont call him, etc. but be just as before when u do see him ... also, i'd advise not to snap like that, b/c by showing u care more than the other person, u sort of lose the game, if u know what i mean ... it would be more efficient to vanish for a few days after he didn't call on sunday. and then re-appear on wednesday or thursday and act like nothing happened - "oops, been busy, sorry honey"... just some ideas for u Thanks to all. I agree with everyone's insight so now--how do I slow things down and how do I stop being so sensitive?
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