I did it....

[Lor]

Well, I did it. Told him that after I get back with our 3 kids from my parents on vacation, if he hasn't made a decision, decided to work on things and make some changes, I'm filing for divorce.

 

Quick run down:

known each other 11 1/2 years

together for 9 years

married for 6 years (June 25th--happy fricking anniversary)

3 kids, 2 boys (16-mine & 8), 1 girl (5)

 

Strike 1: after 8 YO was born, he emotionally abandoned me with 2 kids. Lived there but wasn't there for me or the kids. I now realize I also went thru depression at the time. I was very resentful for years and took it out on him; no affection, real witchy all the time.

 

Strike 2: I started having headaches, neck pain, back pain after Kid 2. this lasted about 6 years. finally mainly pain free for the past 3 years--never had drug problems. he did not help with this. I said it was from stress, he'd say I don't have any more stress than any other woman.

 

Strike 3: I started having pain when we'd be intimate. This lasted 6 years after kid 2. He did nothing to help find out what was wrong, just wanted his needs taken care of. Finally!! after round and round with doctors, the internet, found out I needed a partial hysterectomy, which was done in Feb of '05. This took care of the pain but emotionally I was terrified of sex. I told him this several times but he didn't hear me--after all it wasn't hurting him. Every time he would touch me I'd think he'd only want sex and couldn't stand it.

 

Strike 4: I would ask for help with the daily chores, the kids, etc. He'd say he helped, I just never saw him do it. In a nutshell, if there isn't a motor attached to it, he's not interested. This went on for years and years and years.....and it always came back to his arguement "Oh, that's right, I don't do anything around here"

 

Strike 5: I started to have an emotional affair with a guy from work. You know, show me affection, hold doors open for me, said I was very attractive, flirting. Started making me feel appreciated again. Bad move. I became even more distant from H. this was entirely my fault and has been over for a long time. I thought about leaving, didn't know if I loved H or not anymore, but realized my family came first. and that i did still love him.

 

Okay.....

 

June '05: He started having an emotional affair with a woman he works with--he's in the office, she's on the shop floor. they knew each other in HS. what really hurt was to find out the first time he called her was on our 5th anniversary. she's married, 3 kids, says her H is telling her all the time he wants a divorce. she's consoling poor H because his W is soooo mean and doesn't treat him right.

 

July '05: I can feel him slipping away and don't know what to do. still scared of sex, emotionally insecure, but started to notice the toll it was taking on my marriage. I did research and asked people how to come on to my H again, to try and make things better. Too late. In the meantime, a so-called friend of ours I'll call B is telling him to change the locks and kick me out before I come back from vac with the kids. because nobody likes me anyway.

 

Aug '05: came back from my parents house from vacation. he says he thinks we need to separate. I stayed drunk for 2 weeks. find out later about OW from a mutual friend who works at his company too. knew for 2 weeks before I said anything, but he lied the whole time when I'd ask if there was someone else, told him if there was I didn't stand a chance because I couldn't compete.

 

This is where it gets jumbled--my memory still isn't too good. I had a severe mental breakdown. extreme depression; lay in bed for 2 days at a pop crying. would sit at my desk one day and be "okay" the next day all I did was cry at my desk. just staring at my work. getting drunk everynight. quit eating--bad move--I was only about 118 @ 5'-6 with high metabolism. I lost about 10lbs which I can't get back. not healthy. I would think of something, turn around, literally, and would forget. if I didn't write it down, it was gone. thankfully my boss and coworkers were wonderful!! this went on till about Oct? although I was on depression meds till about a month ago.

 

oh, and I saw a counsellor. I cried on her for about an hour first time, the next time she told me that, if she remembered right, I had a very difficult childhood and trust issued that stemmed from that. I said I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents and very supportive brothers and sisters. I never went back.

 

My birthday, he emailed me and asked to take me out--H is now living in his bosses house. this at the urging of B for him to do something. B is now consoling me--he didn't think it would hurt me this much. Duh!! oh, and B is married to who I though was my best friend. we go out, I can tell he doesn't want to be there with me. we get home, he says he doesn't think it will work, doesn't think he loves me, but he screws me anyway. and I let him. I didn't leave my bed for 2 days.

 

In the meantime, even though I try not to say anything or let on, my kids are a wreck. they miss their dad, don't understand. I put them to sleep crying I don't know how many times. the kids would call him, he'd never call them.

 

Sept '05: I'd given him tickets to a concert for our anniv--before all this happened. he called me up and I razed him up one side and down the other because of what he's puting our kids thru. he calls me back, after I hang up, to talk and to ask me to go to the concert with him. I said flat no, he tells me he thinks he's ready to try again--2 1/2 hrs later, I'm telling him that yes, I'll go with him. dumb dumb dumb. we go, and do honestly have a wonderful time! he's actually there with me!! I can feel it!! after this, things seem okay, and he moves back in.

 

well, that didn't last long. Dr. Jeckyl turned into Mr. Hyde again after about a week. oh, by this time, I'm over my fear of sex--the wall broke so to speak, am willing to do anything to make him happy. no arguing, no fighting. but i can feel him slipping away again. Then he finally broke down and said he didn't know if he'd be happier with OT than me, I called OT after about a month of finding out about her and royally cussed her out in front of him. and I beat the s*** out of him that night. saw complete red. bad move again but boy it felt good. told him to get the f out. he emailed me at work, telling me he didn't realize until then that he loved me, that he would do "anything in his power" to make it up to me.

 

again, this lasted about a week. he said he'd give up talking to OW. that didn't last long. I got the cellphone bill and he'd started talking to her after about a week. I took the kids and went to his mom's--his parents are wonderful, supportive of me, and have stayed completely out of it, even though its breaking their hearts.

 

we talked, I came back home, thought things were okay. not good but okay. now, understand, I'm outspoken, stubborn, opinioned, and strong-willed, but I try to be a good person. at this point, I'm soft-spoken, never get angry, dont' have an opinion anymore and give in all the time. B and his W told me I needed to "dummy down" since we live in the country and most of our friends said that I acted too good for them. what they didn't realize is I don't like to make a fool out of myself so I wouldn't participate in things. that's not how it came across though. I started puting H first now, backing him up on everything. treated him like I did when we first got together. too late.

 

things were not okay. he was distant usually. and then here we go again: went to his best friend's wedding. I dress to kill in a dress from VS, everything just right. Conceited but I know I looked hot--I did it for him. H was up there already cuz he was in the wedding. Everything was fine until mid-way thru the reception I went to have a cigarette and found H in my truck talking to OW. Beer went flying, cellphone got broke, I ruined my tires on my truck and don't remember how I got home--wasn't drunk btw. started packing soon as I got there. he shows up, I beat the snot out of him again (oh, 6'-1" about 200 lbs and I don't hit "that" hard).

 

of course, he's apologetic, doesn't want me to leave, etc etc. I'm beyond mad--this was the final humilation. I call her up the next day, with him sitting there, her on speaker phone, and she's telling me she doesn't want him, yes, she's planning on leaving her H. she doesn't love him, so on and so on.....

 

in the meantime, B makes a play for me. he loves me, H isn't good enough for me, I'm just like him, we're too smart for everyone around us--thought that was rather conceited of him. i'm eating it up cuz finally!! someone sees that I'm alive!! I keep telling him I love H, his W is my BF and the only thing I need is a friend. Please just be my friend. he manipulated me when I was vulnerable, that came to a head, and needless to say I'd rather drink spit than ever have to see B or his W again. She turned out to be vicious and was never my friend even when she acted like she was. I think B played her too cuz they are now splitsville.

 

okay, to make a long story short , I've bought my own house in Feb '06, its about 2 minutes up the road from H. am fixing it up completely myself, plumbing, electric, flooring, you name it. we are friendly, take turns with the kids every other week, and they've adjusted pretty well. although 5 YO makes me cry when she calls crying saying she misses me. I've been living there since beginning of May. we still see each other due to kids and stuff but I don't call, i don't rage, I don't beg.

 

I'm no longer on depression meds, don't drink that much anymore, and am getting my memory and concentration back.

 

We don't talk about us at all. I've given him space, he's ignorig the whole issue. If he waits long enough maybe it'll fix itself or disappear. that's always his way of handling things--he runs and hides. H keeps playing games with me--coming on to me every now and then, then he'll be distant a day or two later. His BF (ie the wedding) thinks this is because OW pisses him off and so he comes back to me, then she realizes she's about ready to lose her soon-to-be meal ticket and sweetly apologizes. I've had enough of it. and honestly, I've quit crying. I'm going to miss him because I do still love him. But his BF is right; H needs to get with OW so she can show just exactly how manipulative she is. I think it'll take a year, BF says he'd give it a month. We can both visualize his Mom slamming the door on OW, or tearing into her so bad the first time H shows up with her, than she runs crying from the house with words like "homewrecker" and such still hanging in the air. I wouldn't ask her to do it--she's very opinionated, blunt, and outspoken. I could almost feel sorry for OT--my M-IN-Law will rip her a new one. almost.

 

anyway.....thanks for letting me vent. I hope I'm doing the right thing for me and for my kids. this has gone on too long........

[alphamale]

holy mackarel

[a4a]

holy mackarel

 

 

I concur........ reading that post made me feel like I was on a bullet train to hell and back again.

 

Lor it sounds like you have it more or less together now..... so continue to move on.... and don't even think about him with exception of him being in your kids life.

 

Keep him out of your life...... move on.

 

He is toxic and needs to not be any part of your life or take up one thought in your head.

 

(I don't agree with you smacking him around but..... s*** I can see why you did.......don't do it again your worth too much to your kids to end up in jail for assaulting him, he is not worth it)

[Lor]

A4A, I don't agree with my hitting him either. and it was wrong. I don't think I've ever been so mad in my life and that is the only (lame) excuse I have. oh, and I'm not an angel, I'm not a saint, I'm not blameless. I could write a book on all the things I've done wrong in our relationship. But I've faced them and have finally quit beating myself up over it all.

 

he is not the devil. he is not physically abusive, although sometimes borerline mentally abusive. he is a good father who is honestly trying with his kids. he's been to more baseball games this year than ever--partially cuz he has the kids that week. but still. he doesn't do drugs, he's a dependable worker.

 

he has put me thru hell. and maybe I can forgive with time. I don't hate him. I never could. and part of me still wants to make it work. we could make this work if all this could be left in the past. but he's not willing to try and I can't dangle here on his string anymore.

 

something I struggle with constantly is: why is she a better prospect than me? what makes her grass so much greener than mine? besides the fact that he hasn't mown her grass yet......... funniest thing, from what I understand, she likes Longenberger baskets; he's a known tightwad. He can pinch 2 pennies into a quarter. That should be fun to watch!!

[Lor]

and another question: we've got an agreement that there are to be no "others" around the kids for the first 3 months of separation to give the kids time to get used to things. how do I handle it when he shows up for the first time w/ OW? and around my kids? I don't know if I can deal with that but I know I don't have much choice in the matter?

 

and married or not, I think she'll start showing up.....

 

after the divorce, is it okay to call her H and tell him what's been going on, or tell him to check her cellphone bill? it will ruin any chance between me and H but it would feel so good, she deserves it, and he deserves not to be blindsided like I was. right now I promised I wouldn't say anything to her H, and I won't because honestly I don't know how serious they are.......

[a4a]

something I struggle with constantly is: why is she a better prospect than me? what makes her grass so much greener than mine? besides the fact that he hasn't mown her grass yet......... funniest thing, from what I understand, she likes Longenberger baskets; he's a known tightwad. He can pinch 2 pennies into a quarter. That should be fun to watch!!

 

I don't think it is all about what you are lacking, I think it has to do with what he is lacking in himself too.

 

None of us are perfect.... like I said I can understand why you whacked the hell outta him....... do I understand!!!! yesssss em!!! I may have done the same......who knows... but its not worth risking my ass with a trip to the pokey over him.

 

But you need to set your own boundaries for yourself.....

I will be willing to give him 6 months to come back or 6 days..... if those expectations are not met I am moving on and I WILL NOT LOOK BACK.

[Lor]

if those expectations are not met I am moving on and I WILL NOT LOOK BACK.

 

yeah...(sigh). every now and then I glance back over my shoulder to see if he's still there.....

 

his BF put it perfectly: it takes 1 or 3 people to ruin a marriage.

 

it's time to move on. I'm not scared to. just sad at what's being left behind.

[a4a]

and another question: we've got an agreement that there are to be no "others" around the kids for the first 3 months of separation to give the kids time to get used to things. how do I handle it when he shows up for the first time w/ OW? and around my kids? I don't know if I can deal with that but I know I don't have much choice in the matter?

 

and married or not, I think she'll start showing up.....

 

after the divorce, is it okay to call her H and tell him what's been going on, or tell him to check her cellphone bill? it will ruin any chance between me and H but it would feel so good, she deserves it, and he deserves not to be blindsided like I was. right now I promised I wouldn't say anything to her H, and I won't because honestly I don't know how serious they are.......

 

You promised your H you would not tell her H????? Damn this man has you on some strings..... does he make you tap dance and whistle too?

 

If it was not serious why would he make you promise not to tell.....so she can wipe her husband out financially? Or so they have time to set up house......??

geeze oh peeeze....... Her H has the right to know......

 

My H gets caught with another woman and begged me not to tell her H..... NOT! You wanna play with fire ya get burned.

 

 

He will continue to walk all over you because you so readily allow it. If he comes back he will still keep her around. or a different one.... cuz he can! Your giving your permission to come and go as he pleases.

[Billy Bob]

Well, you go down your list of strikes..I think I wouldn't be too hot on being married to a woman who physically assualted me, was afraid of sex with me (for whatever reason), had an emotional affair with a co-worker and was often in a deep depression.

 

I mean I'm glad your all better now, but realize that the picture you painted of yourself would have many sane men running scared.

 

I agree if you guys don't agree to work on your issues, I'd advise professional help, then your probably making the right decision to file.

[dgiirl]

Oh please, do NOT keep his secret. I was stupid and kept my exh's secret for over a year. The anger kept festering inside of me until I had no choice but to blurt it out. That is completely NOT fair of your husband to ask you to do it. Seriously, if you were him and he was you, wouldnt you want to know? Dont you deserve to know?

[Lor]

Well, you go down your list of strikes..I think I wouldn't be too hot on being married to a woman who physically assualted me, was afraid of sex with me (for whatever reason), had an emotional affair with a co-worker and was often in a deep depression.

 

You can't tell me anything I don't already know, and you can't make me feel worse than I already do about myself.

 

Do you know anything about depression? do you know how long you can have it without even knowing, especially if no one points it out to you?

 

You must be a guy if you don't have any compassion for a woman who is afraid of sex BECAUSE IT HURTS. lets see how much you like it when you feel like you're being kicked in the stomach everytime and yet your H/W keeps wanting and wanting without even trying to help YOU.

 

yes, I hit him. not once in 11 years before all this. not before her. and never again. you weren't there. you weren't in the middle of a nervous breakdown/can't function/my life is over/I'm nothing but s*** attitude that I had to crawl back out of.

 

do I sound like I feel sorry for myself and am looking for pity? If I do, I'm not. I'm here because I found out by coming to this sight on accident that I am not alone. I found out just how many other people-men and women-who are going thru what I'm going thru.

 

you can judge. its only words. and you don't know me.

[Lor]

My H didn't ask me not to tell her H. I threatened her one time --I've talked to her 3 times on the phone -- that I would tell him. then, I promised her, right or wrong, that I wouldn't tell him. At the time I thought, fell for, her being sincere. and since I do not have proof that there is something going on between them, that is not something I feel comfortable doing. and I don't break my promises.

 

can I really put her kids thru what mine have been thru? based on circumstantial evidence? but yet is it right to let her husband stay blind? that may just push her into my H's arms for all I know.

[Billy Bob]

Didn't mean to insult or hurt, just wanted to point out that it sounds like you were not the perfect wife for many years and yet he stayed around.

 

I started having pain when we'd be intimate. This lasted 6 years after kid 2. He did nothing to help find out what was wrong

 

If I had pains when I had sex I wouldn't expect my wife to help figure out what was wrong? Go to a doctor, thats what they are for. It took you six years! Guess maybe it could have been a very rare complicated diagnosis. I'm just saying being afraid of being intimate with your husband, especially for 6 years, can have some real detrimental phsycological effects on your intimate relationship. I can't beleive he stuck it out.

 

He may not be a saint, but you both contributed to the marriages demise, being vindictive (and if your planning on getting divorced), getting involved with your husband's affair partner's family doesn't help your situation and would probably just damage you and your husband's relationship further. I'll assume you and the husband want to at least remain cordial for the kids sake?

 

you can judge. its only words. and you don't know me.

 

Yep, thats what LS is all about, we only know you from your postings.

[Lor]

I'd already said I'd tried to find out what was wrong with me. I went to my family dr probably about 3 or 4 times, told him what was wrong. He'd say he didn't know what to tell me. My gyno told me, 2 or 3 visits, he didn't know what to tell me. Made me feel like I was imagining it. Hours and hours and hours on research on the internet--nothing. Switched gynos into year 6--she told me my uterus was backwards and that was what was causing the pain. told us to try different positions. did that; still pain.

 

a co-worker gave me the answer, don't ask me how we got on the subject. she said she had it done, gave me her drs no, I called right then and there. that was oct, I had it done in Feb--only waited cuz of work schedules. best move I ever made. there was a 50% chance of it working--more than worth it to me if it would help save my marriage. It worked, but it didn't work.

 

okay, let me ask you this: your W is afraid of being intimate, even though she knows now it won't hurt. What do you do? Do you try to help her overcome her fear, maybe get a little romantic to help ease the way, start off slow, or do you turn a blind eye and slam bam.....you've got one guess as to what my H did. He also did not go without for 6 years if that's what you're thinking. Just not everyday like he wanted. But, yes, I turned frigid. His bad luck now cuz like I said, the wall came down and now he's not there to enjoy it.

 

And I TOLD him and TOLD him and TOLD him I was scared. He didn't even want to try to help me. Even before all this started, I was trying to overcome my fear. By myself.

 

I can't be vindictive. Sometimes I want to but its not in my nature. I left our house, I left everything in it except my bedroom furniture which we weren't even using, my sideboard, my mothers china hutch. I bought all new furniture for my kids, for the living room, the dining room. I took half their clothes so I wouldn't have to hear, "you should see what she sends them over in", I gave him all the money in our savings and checking, and even gave him my bonus check after I left to help him out. I took my books, my cat, some furniture, the dishes I picked out. all in all maybe 2 truckbeds of stuff. I haven't asked him for a dime, I don't even want child support. Cripes, I'm what every man wishes for in a jilted-ex.

 

Yes, he stayed around. and he wasn't a very good husband but I stayed around. my mistake was thinking he would always be around. We took advantage of each other. and it wasn't always bad. we had a lot of good times together. Like I had already said, he's not a bad person. And, unlike it seems your trying to make me out to be, I'm not a bad person either. I may not have been a perfect wife but he also was not a perfect husband. Sue me, we're human.

[Lor]

well, screw this. now I'm crying again. dang, it! I thought I was past this! thanks for making me feel like a total heartless frigid whining witch who was lucky her husband stood by her as long as he did.

 

You want to know what a saint my poor poor H was to put up with witchy, mean, frigid me? He just called me, irritated about what he had to pay at the dentist office after our 8 YO chipped his tooth royally today--he's got the kids this week. Then he gets mad because he didn't realize he scheduled the follow-up appt on his week. I pay $160/month for insurance--on him too till the 1st of the year--and he's supposed to pay for co-payments and deductables. oh, btw, he pockets the money his company gives him for not taking their insurance. Well, they messed with him again and now he's overpaid and he's not happy about having to pay it at all. or having to take the time off work in the first place.

 

I told him he takes him next, then we switch back and forth regardless of what it is or who has them.

 

but I'm lucky he stayed with me that long. thanks

[dgiirl]

Lor, I can sympathize with you on not being able to get close to your husband. I suffered the same thing. And I feel really ashamed and guilty about it too. I've talked to a few key people about it tho and realized that it's not entirely my fault. Yes, I might have pushed my husband away, but there was a reason for it. And even when I did push him away, i tried to get help, i tried to reach out to him and tried to talk about how i was feeling. I would try to tell him that i felt like we were living like roommates. I would tell him how i felt bad about our relationship. He either got angry and offended or reassured me everything was fine. What I didnt realize was he was the one withdrawing from me and it was because of that that I didnt feel close to him and didnt want to be close to him. And because of that, he withdrew more from me. It's a vicious cycle. If my ex and I tried to vocalize our problems, if we tried to understand what the other person was feeling, instead of how we were feeling, then maybe we could have saved our marriage. This is really a major difference between men and women, and a lot of men dont understand that we're not trying to punish them. It's just that we feel disconnected, and you cant get it on, unless you feel safe and secure. And I didnt feel safe and secure with my husband. He internalized my rejection and it hurt his self confidence. But he also did things that hurt my self confidence. This is a major issue with me and I fear getting involved with another male. I dont want this to repeat, but I dont know how to fix it. I'm way too vulnerable to allow another person in. I loved my husband with all my heart. I dont know if I'd be able to trust someone new.

[Billy Bob]

Lor,

 

Didn't mean to insult or upset you, don't take it personally. I was just questioning some of your statements and trying to give you a different viewpoint. Are you just looking for emotional support or people to agree with you? Are you looking to validate your decision to divorce? Are you looking for ways to get your husband back? If so, would you really want him back after all you have gone through?

[Diver012]

It sounds like you went through a terrible time, and are just now trying to move on completely. DO not look back and wonder what you could have done differently for too long. Its good to analyze the past in order to learn from mistakes. But take what lessons you can learn and live a better life.

 

One of the things that really perked my interest, is hurting during sex. My Ex had a hysterectomy done a while ago, before we started seeing each other. As a result of this, she said it took her a while to get wet. I never really did feel that wetness... I didnt mind... there were ways to fix that... but we never explored them... Im wondering now if we should have... She wasnt scared of sex, or atleast she never claimed to be. But she did say that sex hurt her. She, well honestly, said I was to big. I had never had a woman tell me that before and I didnt know how to respond to it. I cant help but wonder, again, (we split and I was never given a reason other than feelings have changed), if this had something to do with it. She did say it was not my fault...

[SoleMate]

Lor, I am in total sympathy about the sexual aversion you developed due to SEVERE PAIN and your husband's lack of caring. You tried again and again to get help from a doctor. It's not an easy thing to do.

 

CTA, if intercourse made you feel like somebody was running a cheesegrater up and down your schlong, would you be eager for sex? How about if your wife told you to suck it up and do your duty like a man?

 

Once again, we see a marriage where both partners have let things slide. Each person sees their own pain, but they do not understand the pain they are inflicting on their spouse. I'm very sorry for all you have suffered, but I do not ever countenance violence. It causes problems, not solves them, and it is beyond unacceptable to beat your spouse. This applies to women as well as to men.

 

I actually do see some slight glimmers of hope in your situation. If you can control your anger, and if you both can learn to meet each other's needs (His Needs, Her Needs by Harley) and avoid Love Busters, there does seem to be a possibility of reconciliation. Good luck, focus on your kids.

[Billy Bob]

CTA, if intercourse made you feel like somebody was running a cheesegrater up and down your schlong, would you be eager for sex? How about if your wife told you to suck it up and do your duty like a man?

 

No, I would not be eager for sex. If it felt that way I probably would not have sex. I think both people in a relationship should want to have sex. I do not support "duty" sex, although I have been known to pester the wife a little bit sometimes..

 

All I was trying to point out was that by having this sexual problem where she was pained/afraid to have sex for 6 years... that it probably led to quite a few of the porblems they are facing in the relationship today.. Sex is a big part of a relationship for a guy, not enough sex can be damaging.. I imagine not enough sex coupled with a wife who was "frigid" or "afraid" or crying could screw a guy up mentally as well.

 

I'm sorry Lor had this problem, I'm not blaming anyone, nor advocating painful sex.

[Lor]

Lor,Are you just looking for emotional support or people to agree with you?

I'm looking for support from people going thru the same/similar things I've gone thru. I've had enough self-pity to last me a lifetime--I don't need pity from anyone else.

 

Are you looking to validate your decision to divorce?

I'm lost as to whether I am ever doing the right thing or not, where I'm concerned, where my kids are concerned. I'm scared that I'm giving up too easy, that I'm not trying hard enough.

 

Are you looking for ways to get your husband back? If so, would you really want him back after all you have gone through?

I want to be happy. I want my kids to be happy. Yes, of course I want my marriage to work; I never wanted this from the start. I've cried, begged, pleaded, become everything he's wanted me to be (he's even said that), gotten mad, raged, ignored, been happy, been too happy, almost every emotion in the book has happened at one time or another. We put each other thru a lot over the years--BOTH of us. We've stood by each other thru a lot. It seems like I remember the good and the bad, where he can only focus on the bad and would rather ignore our marriage than work on it. And as long as the OW is anywhere in the picture, there is no hope. And she's still there, so I need to go on, whether I want to or not. Whether I'm ready to or not.

 

Have you heard that song by The Wreckers (country):

 

You're not sure that you love me

But you're not sure enough to let me go

Baby it ain't fair

You know you just keep me hanging round

You say you don't wanna hurt me

Don't wanna see my tears

So why are you still standing here

Just watching me drown

 

And it's alright

Yeah, I'll be fine

Don't worry about this heart of mine

Just, take your love and hit the road

Cause nothing you can do or say

You're gonna break my heart anyway

So just leave the pieces when you go

 

Now you can drag out the heartache

Baby you can make it quick

You can get it over with and let me move on

Don't concern yourself with this mess you left for me

I can clean it up you see

Just as long as your gone

 

You're not making up your mind

It's killin' me

You're wasting time

I need so much more then that

 

That about sums up my marriage right now.

 

dgiirl, I wish I could give you some insight on how to get over the trust issues. The only way I'm going to be able to work thru mine is to let myself trust again, try not to be afraid. I'm naive and I tend to look at the good in people I meet until they prove otherwise, and that's gotten me in trouble more times than I can count. But if you always expect the worst, then that's what you'll see and you won't be able to get past anything. Tear the wall down brick by brick--no one is going to do it for you. No man/woman is perfect and they are going to hurt us again. Its up to us if we let it rule our relationships or if we rule it.

 

Solemate, thanks for the comparison--that sums it up very nicely. I went to doctor after doctor and after a while you begin to feel like a hypocondriac.

[Lor]

Oh, and when I told him I was going to file, he said he guessed he didn't have any choice. Cripes almighty!! How many times do I have to say, "all you have to do is try"? I'm going to get this divorce, see how long it takes before OW moves into his house. That's the only way I can be sure that his indecision is about him and us and not her. Right now its easier for him to let me be the bad guy who didn't stick it out. I don't like it but I really believe he needs to get together with her to find out how good he had it with me. The grass is always greener, right?

 

Anyway, I got drunk again last night, called and cried to his BF, called and raged at him--again--not that it ever does any good--woke up late but made it to work on time. Thank goodness for small miracles. And now, for the rest of the day, until I'm convinced, I'll sit here and work and chant my litany over and over:

 

I am a good person. I can do this. I don't need him.