To My MM

[ahotmess]

Here are a few things you should know:

 

I hate the feeling I have when you leave me, because I am never sure if it will be the last time I see you. I'm not afraid of being alone. I am comfortable with myself. I am afraid of my life without you in it.

 

I hate the fact that my dream come true, would be someones worst nightmare. The thing that would make me happiest, would be so damaging to another soul.

 

I hate the way that I know what you are thinking. Even worse that you know my thoughts. To a " T ".

 

I hate that I can love something that makes me cry every night.

 

I hate the fact that I never had a real chance with you. And that I never will.

 

I hate our honesty. Sometimes things really are better left unsaid.

 

I hate that everything reminds me of you. Every song. Every joke. Every story. Every movie. Every breath. Everything reminds me.

 

I hate that there is no magic pill to rid my heart of you. I really would sell my soul to get you out of my mind. But I would never trade a single moment.

 

I hate that my happiest times, cause me shame.

 

I hate that I waited 24yrs to hear something.....that I can't share with the world.

 

I hate the fact that no one understands.

 

I hate that you have something without me. Yet I am empty handed.

 

I hate that I didn't save my heart for someone who can truly love.

 

But I would never hate you. I can't. I am sure that as long as there is an ounce of life in me, I will love you with all that I have. There is nothing that I would not forsake to have you. But I would give everything I had to hate you, even though I never could.

 

And I hate that you made me even write this dumb s*** down. It sucks to feel like this.

 

And I just thought you should know.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your pain. I don't know what else to say.

 

I do hope one day can close your heart to him and find the strength to walk away...

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Here are a few things you should know:

 

I hate the feeling I have when you leave me, because I am never sure if it will be the last time I see you. I'm not afraid of being alone. I am comfortable with myself. I am afraid of my life without you in it.

 

I hate the fact that my dream come true, would be someones worst nightmare. The thing that would make me happiest, would be so damaging to another soul.

 

I hate the way that I know what you are thinking. Even worse that you know my thoughts. To a " T ".

 

I hate that I can love something that makes me cry every night.

 

I hate the fact that I never had a real chance with you. And that I never will.

 

I hate our honesty. Sometimes things really are better left unsaid.

 

I hate that everything reminds me of you. Every song. Every joke. Every story. Every movie. Every breath. Everything reminds me.

 

I hate that there is no magic pill to rid my heart of you. I really would sell my soul to get you out of my mind. But I would never trade a single moment.

 

I hate that my happiest times, cause me shame.

 

I hate that I waited 24yrs to hear something.....that I can't share with the world.

 

I hate the fact that no one understands.

 

I hate that you have something without me. Yet I am empty handed.

 

I hate that I didn't save my heart for someone who can truly love.

 

But I would never hate you. I can't. I am sure that as long as there is an ounce of life in me, I will love you with all that I have. There is nothing that I would not forsake to have you. But I would give everything I had to hate you, even though I never could.

 

And I hate that you made me even write this dumb s*** down. It sucks to feel like this.

 

And I just thought you should know.

 

Hi!

 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I feel this way - all that you've written - every day!!!

 

It makes me so unhappy, so despondent, so wanting to die... sometimes.

 

You really nailed every piece of my thought in this post... but especially the part where I can never, ever hate him!

[UnknowingOW]

I know exactly how you feel...it's word for word how I feel.

[ahotmess]

Thanks for the feedback. I just have no other outlet. I've told a couple of oober close friends...but no one understands...and ultimately I know that I created this pain. I know that I deserve it.

 

I've busied myself working two jobs. And don't allow myself to wallow in the misery......but it does feel good sometimes

[ahotmess]

I guess I'm not really finished with that post.....

 

I hate that I wait without fail by the phone....every chance that I get...I sleep with my cell literally in my hand. I don't want to miss a minute of your voice.

 

I hate that you can take so long to return my messages, but I can't wait a second to respond to yours.

[Sinistervixen]

I really related to most of that. I have some to add if i can.

 

I hate when she calls you at work and you get that soft cutesy voice. I dont bother you at home, she shouldnt bother you at work.

 

I hate that i cant call you at all, that i am in a compartment of your life that is so small.

 

I hate that your counsience is clean now that you told me you cant promise me a future, but mine wont let go of hope. That makes me sick inside.

[ahotmess]

It makes me sick inside to even think about my phone ringing. The way it takes my breath away in anticipation that maybe it's you.

 

I hate that you can make me laugh so hard that I cry. What's even worse is that we can do that to eachother. I've laughed till I've cried many times in my life. But it's never been this much fun.

 

It rots my guts to know that you say I can "get out" of this anytime I need to. And that I know you really are just looking out for me. You truly want what is best.

 

I hate that I know you soooo very, very well.

 

I hate the fact that I begged you to be mean to me, to never return my messages. But I even more so I love it.

 

 

(Come on ladies...add some more....I know you have some:)

[ahotmess]

I especially hate that you never lied to me. I chose this destruction. You laid all your cards out before hand. Hiding it would have made this way easier for me. But I love that honesty.

[stillhere]

Reading this thread, i swear you jumped in my head and stole all my words.

 

This is me as well, my MM has never lied to me, i find comfort in that, but sometimes i wish he would just tell me what i want to hear.

[bunset]

I hate that I see you as a real man, but you can't find the strength and backbone to do what's best for EVERYONE, and listen to your heart. So my ideal is actually shattered, because you choose to listen to others' judgements, and someone else's ideas of who you should be.

 

You have a hard time letting me go, because you know I'm right.

[zarathustra]

Thanks for the feedback. I just have no other outlet. I've told a couple of oober close friends...but no one understands...and ultimately I know that I created this pain. I know that I deserve it.

No one deserves the pain we are all going through or have gone through. Remember that.

 

Mine are:

I hate that you made promises to me that you never kept

 

I hate that I made promises to you that you never allowed me to keep

 

I hate that because of you, I doubt my judgement all the time

 

I hate that I used to believe in you but now I learn to make you earn it

 

I hate that I cannot stop caring, missing and loving you

[OzGirl]

How articulately my feelings (once upon a time) have been put into words by you all... I'll add some... couldn't let this thread go without saying something, but this is about the MM... not you guys.

 

I still beg to find an answer how 3 years of my life was spent with you as the axis of my world. It has resulted in being a vacuous hole. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I hate that there's still residual guilt for me letting you into my life. The embarassment is mine, the humiliation was mine, and the pain was mine. I will forever live with those words associated with the opposite and true person I want to be and wish I'd always been.

 

And, I cannot thank you enough for using the "she found out" as a reason to end it with me. My worth to you could not have been made any clearer.

 

I also cannot thank you enough for staying with your wife when I begged you, literally, to change your mind. I've found a universe I would have otherwise never knew existed.

 

Finally, the distance this relationship carried me, without me knowing it was enormous. Without you, maybe I couldn't have done that. I'm sorry where we ended was exactly where it started for you - problems with your wife. But, for all it's worth, you got what you deserved. You will live with this for as long as you are with her, and after what you've already done to her, my guess is that will be a long time. Every time she throws it back at you in a heated argument that you cheated on her, there will be a time where I will have seen a direct reward for you being out of my life.

 

 

 

Ladies.. the feelings don't go about what he's done to you, now or in the future. Live in hope, because faith that things will get better could just well ensure things do. It just mightn't appear in the form you think it will right now.... trust me, if it's a pointless crusade, then so be it. But, I refuse to see this pain multiplied all over the world and ignore it. It's too real, and you are the 'victims' of a situation which extends far deeper than it appears to both yourselves, the MM and anyone else who thinks they know what's going on.

 

Nothing changes whilst it remains the same. So easy to say, so unbelievable to do. It will... when you can't live anymore with it... it will. We're creatures of survival... this is survivable.

 

Don't give up.

[Walking away]

I agree Oz....

 

THIS IS SURVIVABLE.

 

I, too, am surviving....But, in the spirit of this thread, I will add my "hates" that I endured when I was with my MM.....

 

I hate that you stole my heart and swept me off my feet only to pull the rug out from under me when you told me you were married....

 

I hate that from that moment on, you fought tooth and nail to keep us together only to slink back into your dysfunctional existance with her once she found out about "us."

 

I hate how you gave me a taste of how true love should feel, but laced it with the bitter pill of knowing that you would sacrifice that love for another's happiness...

 

I hate that you continue to tell me that you love me even though there is absolutely nothing you will do about it.

 

I hate that you threw love away with both hands....and I was absolutely powerless to stop it.

 

I hate that I wasted my precious heart and time on a dream....only a dream.

 

And, I hate that you convinced me to dare to dream of a future with you when you had no intentions of making it happen.

[Lizzie_D]

I just read some of your posts to my friend over phone (we both in mess with MM). All of the posts are so heart wrenching and so true. I cannot write as eloquently as some of you but...

 

I hate that you stole my thoughts for three years to the point where I was distracted from my children and missed enjoying them.

 

I hate that you can ring me whenever you want and I will answer straightaway, but often you dont answer me.

 

I hate that when out socially I look at you like a lovesick teenager hoping for a 'look'.

 

I hate that your life doesn't seem to have changed but mine has.

 

I hate that I have had to go on antidepressants to help my state of mind.

 

But most of all I hate myself for answering the phone yesterday, after two weeks of NC which led to you coming round today to sleep with me. And I hate the pain I felt as I watched you go again.

[Pink Amulet]

I am crying. I am touched by all of your words. I could never understand what it would be like to be in such a vulnerable and lonely place. I hope you all make it through stronger and wiser women as I am sure you will.

[Lizzie_D]

And to think, Pink Amulet, you were so near to going down the rocky road yourself a few days ago. So glad you didn't. Hopefully, the unhappiness you have read about here will stop you from EVER doing it.

[Pink Amulet]

Damn straight it will. *hugs you all*

[Walking away]

Pink Amulet,

 

I, and others here can attest to the fact that we made it through this storm in our lives....

 

And we came out stronger and wiser.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. But it is a dark, dark tunnel when one is going through it.

 

Every woman here is strong and beautiful. They will find their way through this storm.

 

There is comraderie here and support.

 

These women and men have become some of my best friends because they UNDERSTAND. They were the beacon of light in a very, very dark night for me. And I will never forget them for this. These are amazing individuals here...

 

Hugs to all of you

WA

[RealityCheck]

I love the fact that my experience of an Affair only solidified how WRONG it is. That there are no winners in the beginning or the end. Someone always gets hurt.

 

I love the fact that I was able to experience in all its complexity an understanding of the pain not only for myself, but for what others are going through and be able to open my heart without judgement towards them.

 

I love the fact that I will never stand IN support of an Affair, but support those who have found themselves in something they never imagined could happen to them.

 

I love the fact that as I moved through my Affair, I was able to move deeper to myself.

 

I love the fact that I am able to accept the fact that I am human and that I am not perfect. That life does take me by surprise and tests me with situations that can only bring clairity to my choices.

 

I love the fact that I can accept that I will NEVER be pround of my Affair, but can accept and learn from my choices.

 

I love the fact that without you, I still am everything to myself and that is something I can never live without.

[Walking away]

I love the fact that I walked away with dignity and integrity....

 

I love the fact that I found a better, stronger version of myself because of the pain and agony I went through....

 

I love the fact that I can be empathetic to those who walk in the shoes that I once walked in......

 

I love the fact that I am free now to love fully and honestly with someone who will return that love to me.....

 

I love the fact that I can look back now with detachment and tell myself that if I found that love once, I know I can find it again.....

 

But, I also love the fact that I know that loving myself is far better than having someone to love me.....

 

I love the fact that I am complete alone.....

 

And I love the fact that I can hold my head up and be proud of myself, in spite of my mistakes.....

 

And, finally, I love the fact that the pain is gone....

 

I am free.

[Determined]

Wonderful Post. Like everyone else said, I feel much the same way. I have a few to add myself:

 

I hate that I will continue to worry about your happiness, and years from now the thought of you still being unhappy will make me sad

 

I hate that I fell in love with a coward

 

I hate that sometimes obligations and commitments take priority over one’s personal hopes and dreams. And what's more, I hate that you believe that.

 

I hate that you don't recognize the obligation to yourself

 

I hate that you think you are doing your W any favors by sticking around in a loveless marriage

 

I hate your selfishness

 

Now to the more positive

 

I love the fact that I have grown as a person, and I know my limits on what I can and cannot handle

 

I love the fact that I can walk away knowing I did all that I could and said all that I wanted to say

 

I love the fact that through all of this, my beliefs, what is important to me, became clearer and stronger

 

I love the fact that you envy my life

 

I love that fact that I have so much to look forward to, and that this happened only to point me on my way to someone who can love me whole-heartedly.

[ahotmess]

I love knowing that I am not alone.

 

I love knowing that someone...somewhere really understands how I feel.

 

I love being able to share sooo much. And though you are strangers you touch my life, in ways I cannot even comprehend.

 

Thankyou!!!!

[Walking away]

Sisters in crisis....that's what some of us call each other....

 

Sisters in crisis.

[ahotmess]

I hate that I have no desire, at all, to tell your wife about your behavior. I would never want to cause upset in your world, even though you shattered mine.

 

I hate that I am not the only one. But I am the only one that you continue to see. I am the only one you've ever been in love with. I especially hate that.

 

I hate that you can't see how my spirit is literally dying. I am drowning in all of this, but you..you stay afloat.

 

I hate that you told me you loved me first. You did it exactly when I realized that I was feeling this way...the very same week. It made it sooo much easier to fall even farther.