To My MM

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Sami D, you always have strong words in in your posts. I enjoy reading your posts immensely because you seem like such a no-nonsense person. However, I have to contend with some of your statements here:

 

... there is a lot of weakness here... a lot of blaming the MM for what happened. I don't know whether a lot of that didn't stem from the initial format of the thread... 'I hate... etc.'

 

No, I don't believe that the OWs on this posts are blaming their MMs. In fact, we are pointing out how WEAK we are to escape from our MMs. We are writing down why and how we can't stop loving them even though there are so many reasons to 'hate' them. It is a voice of despair, not of blame and hate. We are out of ideas on how to turn this affair to our favor. Yet, we don't want to pull ourselves out of it either. So the 'hate' is really directed at ourselves!

 

We are NOT asking for sympathy or pity or understanding. We are trying to purge our feelings of anger and sadness. People who have never been in love should not read these posts because you will never understand how we feel. Our conflicts will not mean anything to you because you simply have not been in our shoes. You've never been awake at night thinking of another man you can't have. You've never been unable to eat for days because of butterflies in your stomach just at the mention of his name. You have probably never felt strong tingly sensations on your skin (let me tell you - it feels like being electricuted) at just the thought of a man!

 

 

 

I certainly don't feel the need to blame him for it. Or for anything that happened. I wasn't suckered in, I knew I could walk away, and I have.

 

I don't think most of us who post on this thread are blaming their MMs. I don't blame him at all! I can never put any faults on him! That's why we have this thread!

 

 

I was only ever in the affair because he was sure his R with his W was over. However, we found out, during the course of being together, that while R's with Ws might be over, the ending of a M can be quite a different matter altogether. And having an A, far from hastening the end of a M, can often (as it did in our case) help a MM to stay stuck where he is... the emotional support of an OW will help a failed M to continue.

 

Unfortunnately, this is very true. If I want my MM to leave his wife and marry me... I'd have to keep my distance from him. so that he can decide for himself. We've been on NC for more than 7 months. I almost divorced my husband... and he almost divorced his wife. I said almost because in both our cases, our spouses did move out for a while. But we end up back with our spouses... because I realize how hard it is to just leave everything behind. Mind you - this whole time, we did not talk to each other. I did not tell him about my little separation from my H and he did not tell me about his. We've not talked, period.

 

So I've decided this: I will keep loving him and enjoy his company. But no affairs, no intimate one-on-one times. Only as a good friend. He should stay married to his wife... and I should stay married to my H... because that's the easier path. Not blame - only weakness on both our parts.

[Walking away]

It sounds as if you are in a truly painful and lonely place.

 

I am so very sorry. You communicate how you feel so powerfully.

 

I can see how much in love you are. Ultimately regardless of whether he is married or not feeling this unhappy so much of the time and experiencing only happiness that is tainted by shame, not to mention working yourself into the ground and feeling isolated from everyone around you, is going to have a serious longterm effect on your health and wellbeing. IMHO It kind of needs to change or end.

 

I really can't help thinking that you should show him this thread, rather than hate having to post it here.

 

If he loves you, as you love him, then surely he wouldn't be able bear to contribute to you living this way.

 

If he really loves you in the way you need him to love you, in order to tolerate living with such pain, he couldn't let you feel like this.

Surely he would either have to leave his wife or stop seeing you? Marriages do sometimes end and this isn't always a terrible thing. As the OW, this has to be something that we are prepared to accept as a possible outcome, however distastefull it may be or we walk away the minute we find out as Pink Amulet did.

 

However frightening these possible changes may seem, you can't go on like this for too much longer. It's too damaging for both of you and still potentially his wife.

 

If he is happy to carry on exactly how things are now. I suspect you may have to seriously adjust some of your feelings. You may chose to continue with the relationship, but liberate yourself from some of the hates it brings you, or you may feel the need to leave.

 

I really think you have to at least establish some change or you risking becoming seriously depressed.

 

I really hope you don't think I'm judging you or patronising you. If it does come across that way please accept my apologies., this was very far from my intention, I'm just concerned about you, you articulated your pain so very effectively.

 

xxxxx

 

Thank you for your sensitivity towards this highly volatile subject of affairs...

 

Truly everyone suffers to a degree in an affair. No one is unscathed.

 

Your non-judgmental opinions are duly noted.....in contrast to other much more judgmental, crass opinions I have observed on this post and others.

 

For this, as an xOW, and for those who cannot speak for themselves...

 

Thank you. :) :)

[Walking away]

Ok, i apologize for sounding a little harsh. I guess I should have a little more empathy, I was the OM for a MW at one point 3 years ago for about 6 months. I was crushed, it took me a long time to get over it. Thing is, is that I needed to hear the truth straight up, and once i did it was very easy for me to see how foolish and silly I was. I think part of the problem is that at the time I sucked horribly with women.... attracting them was easy but keeping them, that's a different story. I was so clingy, so needy and had no sense of independence. This drove women away from me, and i finally found a women who was as crazy about me as i was her, but she happened to be married. I fell for all the bs, to make a long story short, i got played big time. Thankfully I've come to grips with it and came out a strong, self-sufficient, independent man instead of a groveling idiot like i was before. It took alot of soul searching, research, etc but I got there.

Im now in a very serious,very functional and loving relationship because I worked on myself. Once I did that, the love of my life was bound to walk into my life and she has. Once again, i apologize for being a bit brash, but I think people need to "suck it up" and get on with life, you'll be glad you did.

 

Thank you for clarifying your situation.

 

People are in different phases of the affair here. Some, like myself, are out of it and healed.....like you. Stronger and happier.

 

Others are not.

 

There really is no coddling here. It is pretty tough lovish here, actually. But, looking back on my experience, I needed very much for no more salt to be poured into my already gaping wounds. I was crucifying myself enough....and truly hemorraging on the inside. There are no words to explain the depth of pain I suffered....as you well can remember how you felt at one time, I am sure.

 

And, I was an unwitting OW. He stole my heart...THEN told me. I was destroyed and tried repeatedly to leave...but he wooed me back over and over again.

 

But that was then, and this is now.

 

We all grow from these experiences. All of us. Sometimes, a little tender, loving care is required to those who are in such obvious pain. THey know what they must do. What we can do is pray that they develop the strength to do it. And encourage them as they struggle with the emotions that these relationships evoke. It is no easy road that these people walk. I remember, and so do you. These are wonderful, special people....and they deserve the best that life has to offer them. And they will find that.

 

They are in a storm that is raging around them. We must offer a beacon of light to help them find their way through....

 

All my best to you and congratulations. A happy ending.

 

My heart is smiling....

[Sami_D]

I don't think most of us who post on this thread are blaming their MMs. I don't blame him at all! I can never put any faults on him! That's why we have this thread!

 

 

Yeah sometimes I've felt like that myself... do I not blame him because he's blameless... or because of what..?

 

I think there's a definite problem with saying 'we all... ' whatever. We're all different, and so are our Affair Partners. That's really what I was responding to in the first place. A blanket suggestion that 'all OW are...' never works.

[Sami_D]

Ok, i apologize for sounding a little harsh. I guess I should have a little more empathy, I was the OM for a MW at one point 3 years ago for about 6 months. I was crushed, it took me a long time to get over it. Thing is, is that I needed to hear the truth straight up, and once i did it was very easy for me to see how foolish and silly I was. I think part of the problem is that at the time I sucked horribly with women.... attracting them was easy but keeping them, that's a different story. I was so clingy, so needy and had no sense of independence. This drove women away from me, and i finally found a women who was as crazy about me as i was her, but she happened to be married. I fell for all the bs, to make a long story short, i got played big time. Thankfully I've come to grips with it and came out a strong, self-sufficient, independent man instead of a groveling idiot like i was before. It took alot of soul searching, research, etc but I got there.

Im now in a very serious,very functional and loving relationship because I worked on myself. Once I did that, the love of my life was bound to walk into my life and she has. Once again, i apologize for being a bit brash, but I think people need to "suck it up" and get on with life, you'll be glad you did.

 

I'm glad your story has a happy ending.

 

However, not everyone has the same story to tell regarding affairs. For example, what you wrote above ... I could easily have written about my previous relationship before the Affair, and how I dealt with the aftermath of that, went to therapy, found out what my issues were, and sorted out my life.

 

And then went on to be an OW. Not because I hadn't learnt anything. Not because I was needy or desperate, or he was the first man who payed me any attention, or whatever. I didn't become an OW for the same reasons you became an OM. Others here will have different stories and different reasons for becoming involved in an A.

[dontbfooled]

I am for a second feeling strong. I have re read all the posts in here again. The first time i cried, the second I am angry. Why should they make us feel like this. Love, real love, should make us feel so good inside. We go to bed crying, wake up in the night crying, and greet the morning with tears. THIS IS SO WRONG. We deserve better. I don't believe for one second that the MM experience the torment that we do. We only have one life, and we are spending it miserable. Three weeks ago, I wanted to end my life because of it all. I finally agreed to go on antidepressants, and I feel so much better. That is my way of coping, my friend finds comfort in alcohol...I tried that but it made me feel worse the next day.

 

At the end of the day, where are they?...In bed with their wives.

 

What do they give us?....the odd phone call, torment, the odd visit.

What don't they give us?...nights in front of the tv, christmas day together, us being able to speak to them whenever we want, cuddles in bed at night, cooking the evening meal together, walking around in public holding hands, etc etc.

 

And why dont we get any of that...because that is given to the most important person in their life...their wife.

 

you are my twin.

[bunset]

I'm not looking to place blame on m xMM.

I don't doubt for a minute that he may have thought he knew what he was getting into when we started, and cannot face the additional price that comes from discovery by his BW.

I knew the moment I let him hold my hand that my price of discovery from my H would be the highest possible (aside from bodily harm..oh, yes, still a possibility) When he chose to continue with me, I gave him a few 'warning shots' (but did not suggest that my H would harm him). When I was told "I enter here of my own free will" I allowed my heart to love.

Because of that, I became aware of how wrong it was for me to let my H believe I could still be the wife I was before. I do not know if my xMM understands this of himself. I guess the biggest question to ask is "can the BS accept or want this new spouse?"

I believe that we are all changed by such deep emotion, regardless of choice.

All parties have been posed with this dilemma.

Some choose to ponder it, others will pretend it doesn't exist.

[Cassoria99]

Wow...just when I think I won't cry, I read this forum.

 

I have to add mine:

 

I hate that you told me to tear down my walls only for you to move your walls into my heart.

 

I hate that you begged me by saying "give me your hand" to hold when I knew this was wrong. But you grabbed it and kissed it and told me you never kissed your wife's hands but that you loved mine.

 

I hate that you listened so intently to all of my life stories as if you were so interested and non-judgemental about my path only to tell her my secrets to make it look like the bad parts of my past are justification as to how your got seduced by me.

 

I hate that you told me it was okay to love you and now you tell her that I am obsessed.

[ahotmess]

I've been out of interenet's reach for a few days. And am catching up. I agree with KHLF in that we are not blaming our MM for anything. The truest saying I know in this situation is "It takes two to tango". And that is the truth.

 

I have never even once denied that I was in the wrong the entire time. Hell, I tried to stop it before the beer took effect. But there was a moment when we very first laid eyes on each other. And I knew this was different. The look was different. But it was just sex. Why did we keep coming back for more? We developed a friendship that I can't even explain. And then just when I knew I had to get out because I was falling insanely in love....he told me he loves me. I would have never told him that first. I would have gotten out. But if two people are so in love...shouldn't it continue? I don't know.

 

I am not by any means saying that I am doing the right thing. I am not. But I am saying that I....just like the other OW out here have feelings. And I am greatful that I have a place to share these feelings and attain the affirmation that I am not alone. Every road is easier when there is company.

 

I am so thankful that I have this forum. You great ones are the only ones who truly relate to what I am going through. However self-induced this pain is, we all need analgesics at some point. Pain cannot continue forever. It must be dealt with.....or the wounded dies. And I don't plan on doing that anytime soon.

 

Thankyou friends!!!!!!

 

PS: That was a great post by "guest". I think she/he should join as a member. It really helps.

[The slayer]

You know I think part of the problem for anyone involved with some one who is married is that the fact they are married is so huge, such a big issue that sometimes it becomes almost impossible to see past that.

 

It's really easy to either get caught up in the morality of it all, torture yourself with guilt, taint your joy with shame, or put up with things you might never be prepared to put up if they weren't married, which deep down inside you know, which lessens your self esteem.

 

I believe that the best way forward is to really try and look beyond that hurdle, and exit the moral maze. You have to accept that the person you love is married, come to terms with it if you can, and then try and see the truth of what is left.

 

There is genuinely no black or white, everything on this earth is a shade of grey.

 

The only true black in the universe is contained in the pupil of ones eye (Scary thought if the eye is really the gateway to the human soul).

 

White always contains a hue of another colour, it's either a greenish white or a bluish white or a yellowish white etc the way we percieve it entirely depends upon how the light is hitting it at the time.

 

Light itself is made of red, yellow and blue rays. (The blue travels the fastest, which is incidently a handy answer to the why is the sky blue question)

 

Be honest are they really right for you or not?

 

It's easy to convince yourself that they wouldn't be the person you loved if they walked away from their marriage

 

By the same token it's just as easy to believe what you really need is for him to leave his wife, maybe it's only what you want.

 

If you really believe that this is the person for you then learn to fully come to terms wih the siuation, accept the fact that they are married, accept responsibilty for any possible consequences, adjust your expecations, learn to live with an illegitamate realtionship and focus on being happy with what you can have. It won't be easy, but you will be happier.

 

If You honestly don't believe that this is the person for you, then walk away, it won't be easier, but you will be addressing the pain.

 

A brief word on pain. Emotional pain is no different than physical pain. Physical pain always happens for a reason. It is one of the body's ways of alerting attention to a problem, so it can be addressed.

 

If you ignore the pain alerting you that your leg is broken and carry on walking about on it, you will end up crippled and if you are really unlikely you might not even survive.

 

You have the power to make any choice you wish to and lessen your pain.

 

I have no wish to cause any offence to BS's who might read this. I believe the same approach applies to trying to cope with and understand infidelity from every ones point of view

[ahotmess]

I think that infdelity sucks for everyone involved. 2 glasses of red wine coupled with no food and topped with 13hrs of flying..... that is my opinion.

 

If I thought the pain and trauma of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and parental abandoment was awful....I had no idea what was coming here. Blindsighted my ass, this MM did. And he didn't even do it intentionally.

 

By becoming a flight attendant I was ony looking to escape my pain.....be careful what you wish for...it may be worse than what you already have....

[The slayer]

13 Hours flying with your pain, nothing to eat and drink and no doubt rude ungrateful and demanding passengers sounds like hell!...Any chance you could change your job?!!!

 

As for your MM I suppose for me the question has to be ...can you forgive him?

[ahotmess]

I could forgive him! Honestly. I would do anything. That desperation is unfathomable unless you've been there. But maybe you're right, Slayer, Maybe it would be easier to accept it for what is worth. Live all it is to the fullest and not worry about the rest? I somehow think that is easier said than done.

 

I may be wrong...but I am looking for someone to share all my moments with. And for someone who I can be with fully. If he would leave his wife, he would totally be this person. But what if he did? Would I be able to stand the nights he is away from home? Would it be worth it?

 

BTW...Slayer...you should set your account to receive PM.

[ahotmess]

It would totally be worth it! Every doubt...just to able to share my life with him.

[Guest]

I hate the way women find a ring around a mans finger desirable.

 

I hate that even in marriage, we can never feel secure

 

I hate men who think the grass is greener

 

I hate my self-esteem problems, my inability to trust and how you people feed into it.

 

I hate myself for reading these threads... and the nightmares I know I will have tonight from having a very weak and overactive imagination.

 

 

 

<sigh> stay away from our men.

[bunset]

I hate the way women find a ring around a mans finger desirable.

 

I hate that even in marriage, we can never feel secure

 

I hate men who think the grass is greener

 

I hate my self-esteem problems, my inability to trust and how you people feed into it.

 

I hate myself for reading these threads... and the nightmares I know I will have tonight from having a very weak and overactive imagination.

 

 

 

<sigh> stay away from our men.

To our dear guest (and our MM)

 

It does take 2 to tango.

If he entered into this relationship, he has issue that neither you nor the OW can resolve for him. These are things he has to learn and do for himself. And you are not THE reason. To think so is vanity and foolishness.

To blame the OW is the same as above.

 

and although the topic title is "To MY MM" we do know better.

 

He is niether YOURS, nor the OWs. He is his own man, and the sooner we all know and accept that the better we will be.

 

Most of us do not look to hurt or destroy lives. Clearly your spouse is/was seeking something, that you cannot provide. It seems as if the OW cannot either.

So, you need to learn to seek your own happiness, and not try to fulfill someone else's. It's OK to work side-by-side with someone you love to help them in their quest, even if it involves backing off.

You cannot shove fulfillment and happiness down someone's throat, nor can you bind it to them with a ring or promise.

If that were so, none of us would be here, unless we never had anyone love us, ever.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I hate the way women find a ring around a mans finger desirable.

 

I hate that even in marriage, we can never feel secure

 

I hate men who think the grass is greener

 

I hate my self-esteem problems, my inability to trust and how you people feed into it.

 

I hate myself for reading these threads... and the nightmares I know I will have tonight from having a very weak and overactive imagination.

 

 

 

<sigh> stay away from our men.

 

 

Hello??? This is not the thread to post something like this. sorry to hear that YOUR man thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. Most likely, he's the one who's leading the other women on - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. You need to put your man on a shorter leash, or don't keep him at all if he keeps jumping the fence. Again sorry to hear that you married a dog.

[ahotmess]

I agree with KHLF, in regards to the "guest". This is the wrong forum. I am sorry for her pain. But we are not "after their men"

 

I would never ask for such a thing. It just happens, like life. We all make poor decisions. Mistakes...if you will.

 

Maybe I should change my name from "ahotmess" to "noillintentions" hahaha!!!!

[Sinistervixen]

Knowhowlovefeels...you really have captured the way i WANT to feel. I want to feel good about all this. And i do most of the time but then i think about the what if's...what shoulda been. Then i get angry and hurt.

[simona]

Hello to all OW /W and MM/MW and W/H. I read the entire thread and could not stop myself writing this post.

 

It is really sad that we as woman have to go through this.Love comes in different forms. We love men unconditionally , no matter what their status is and I just wish that they understand us better as woman . Be it as a wife, or other woman. But at the same time,

God has given us power to be strong. Perhaps, we can look deeper and take a step back and love ourself first.

 

Dedicated to all the woman in this world:

 

I love myself and will be strong no matter what the situation is,

 

I love others and shall forgive for what they have done to us,

 

I have a high self esteem and will not let any situation put me or hold me down,

 

I am confident and believe in myself and always hope for the best to happen,

 

I believe in karma and shall do no wrong to others .

 

To those in love, love is god's blessing.

 

Please remember that it is important to love yourself too. We end up spending or talking about others and at the end of the day we neglect ourselves. Ladies we should be more selfish and love ourselves. Because once we start loving ourselves these things matter less.

 

How about taking a bubble bath and reading some of our favourite books , giving all the time for yourself and neglecting your MM/ Or husbands for a while. We deserve to be treated like queens and we deserve respect and love.

 

 

 

Cheers

[Guest]

I agree with KHLF, in regards to the "guest". This is the wrong forum. I am sorry for her pain. But we are not "after their men"

 

I would never ask for such a thing. It just happens, like life. We all make poor decisions. Mistakes...if you will.

 

Maybe I should change my name from "ahotmess" to "noillintentions" hahaha!!!!

 

Your absolutely right. I'm sorry

 

overemotional I guess

[Sinistervixen]

Amen Sister!

[Trying again]

I have tried just about every week or two in the past few months to go no contact with the married man i've fallen into a relationship with.... I am going to bookmark this page and read it every time I weaken. As I just told him, if he wants me he will do what he has to to have me, if he doesnt, I'm better off knowing now. I know that there will be something better around the corner... its just getting there seems so hard!

 

Wish me luck.

[newbby]

Your absolutely right. I'm sorry

 

overemotional I guess

 

why not start your own thread where you can talk about this, and get some support.

[Guest]

why not start your own thread where you can talk about this, and get some support.

 

too shy/confused and not as good with words and emotions as the people here. I'd end up contradicting myself, and having it pointed out and I'm not really ready or knowing how to face the kind of intellectual conversations that will result from it all.

 

Thank you though, and I'm sorry again.