Day 4 of no contact, 1st counseling session today...

[Gunny376]

You could literally sit around for the rest of your natural life ~ waiting for that to happen. Life is just to freaking short ~ and there are literally too many women out there looking for what you've got to offer.

 

Take some time to get your head and azz wired back together, keep going to the counselor, reading, learning, and growing from your experiences thus far to date.

 

Don't beat yourself up ~ nor be too hard on yourself ~ you didn't know even half of what you needed to know when you went into this marriage. Girls sit around and discuss boys, boys, and still yet boys, watching soap operas, and chick-flicks, and reading "Teen" magazines ~ while we're out studying sports, cars, etc. Then we get married ~ and we think in so long as we're good providers, don't run around, aren't wife beaters, gamblers, drunks or drug addicts that we're doing good jobs as husbands. One day they come to you and tell you they're not happy ~ (and its been my experience that once a woman tells you that ~ its over. And, you had best be looking around the back porch.

 

Hate to be the one to break the news to you ~ but based upon my own personal experince + reading + my observation of the experience of others coupled with her not wanting you to know where she lives ~ there's OM. Why do I say this? Because she discounted your birthday present. If there's not ~ then she's got her eyes on a potential one ~ and is playing you out to see if it will solidify with the guy that she's got her eyes on.

 

Women don't usually strike out of one relationship ~ espeically a marrigae without having one to go to. Guys do it all the time. You think you've cried today my friend ~ wait until all the chickens have come home to roost!

 

My XW was a mistake of my youth ~ I wouldn't even go on a coffee date with her kind ~ now~! But, back when I was young and dumb (22). I dind't know any better ~ there wasn't an internet ~ nor a LS. You were just out there on your own with your azz flapping in the wind.

 

My XW is a HS dropout ~ (learning disability ~ particuarly reading) She's got to have a husband ~ because she can't make it on her own without one. Me? What my Grandparents didn't teach me, the Marine Corps didn't teach me, I learned about from having being married. I know how to cook from scratch. I know how to wash and dry clothes ~ all that. The only thing I need a woman for is compaioinship, and all that entails.

 

Having been raised a single child in the Pine thickets of Alabama ~ (we're talking way back up in the woods) I'm perfectally fine ~ alone.

 

What I want to get across to you is this:

 

Don't beat yourself up ~you didn't have half of the information you needed to make this marriage work to begin with!

They don't teach you in high school nor college what you need to get through this life!

 

You've heard about first time marriages having a 50% chance of making it. I've read that of the other 50% that stay married ~ they're not happy! Of the 50% that stay married, only 13% say they're "happily married" They majority stay married because of the finacnces, the children, the status quo. But, they're living in a maritial comma! They're exsisting ~ not living.

 

You're a man and got married prior to the age of 25 ~ the divorce rate is 90%

 

You got married because you got her pregno? The divorce rate is 90%

 

You married a woman that has advance degree (Master's) your divorce rate is 90%

 

You married a woman that is a HS dropout? Your divorce rate is 90%!

 

Everyone talks about back in the day ~ back when Great~Great~Great ~ Granddaddy was married, divorce didn't happen. That's back when the woman got nothing but the clothes on her back. She got "spit" The husband got everything! The kids, the house, everything went toward the man.

 

Women got the right to vote, they got equal rights, they got the right to vote judges in and out of office ~ the laws begin to change. Things were so "un-righteous" against women ~ that they've slid to the absurd against men.

 

Marriage? Yea! Right! I know what I'm bringing to the table! Half of my income is guarantted for life with annual pay raises of at least 2.5 %. each year. I can buy name brand groceires at the commissary for half of what most people pay, without using coupons. My medical and dental premimums cost me $50 a month. And have lesser co-pays ($10 - $15)

 

Your a good man, Plato ~ let it go! As was I. I was a damn good husband ~ she even said so! But , we got caught up in the downward spirial! We got caught up in the "whirrlpool"

 

You want her back? Let her go! Let her go! Move on! With your life!

[Plato1969]

Ah, Plato, I'm sorry. I think she's just being totally selfish now. I think you're going to have to tell her where you stand, put your boundaries down and enforce them. She either needs to be your W or your exW, and she needs to choose by {specify} date as indicated by {specific behaviors you want to continue the marriage under}.

 

Good for you for getting new locks. Her behavior is completely unacceptable for marriage in my book. Yes, you may want her back, but this ain't gonna cut it for you, is it? And it sounds like you need to know when this is going to end for your sake. So do what you need to do to take care of yourself, do what you want to do with regard to her.

 

I put down hard and fast boundaries and enforced them even as I continued to gently woo H with my steadfast devotion and honesty. It's a tricky line to dance. And I think you're doing well.

 

How long has this been going on now?

 

Talk of separation has been going on since last December. It was seriously brought back up again in early May (after months of improvement in our relationship, I thought) and it went into effect just about 3 weeks ago. I keep wondering if I'm being too impatient. But like Gunny says, I have no training in this crap, so I don't know. All I know is that she is pretty much out of my life, other than things to do with the kids. I don't know where or what she is doing most of the time. She doesn't seem to care about my whereabouts.

 

I really can't say one way or the other if there is OM. Everyone I have talked to asks that first and suspects that, but she swears there isn't. If there is, she has kept it well hidden. I might be able to find out for sure by hacking into her e-mail, but I made a promise to God and myself that I wouldn't do that anymore. I always felt worse anyway after reading her stuff. Nothing that indicated OM, and the last I looked was over a week ago.

 

Letting her go seems like the best option. I can't see her agreeing to any boundaries or ultimatums. Maybe if I did that though, I would definitely know it was time to let go.

[GuySimple]

I just read your whole experience. Sorry for what you are going through. It is tough.

 

From my experience the person who decides to leave the marriage has actually thought about doing it for a long time. I expect your wife resigned from your marriage long before she actually walked out.

 

As a result she has come to terms with a lot of the grief that you are experiencing now, except she did it while still in the home I expect.

 

Some advice if you want it, keeping in mind I don't know your exact situation, only what you have written here.

 

Stop trying to impress her with flowers and poems. That stuff is just wrapping paper. Focus on yourself and healing and growing, which is the true gift. Own the experience and learn from it. Stop trying to do fluffy things to please her, please yourself and like yourself. People want to be around people who like themself, including your wife and kids.

 

Stop with the knee-jerk reactions. I am not sure why you changed the locks on the doors. Unless your wife was a criminal with a history of stealing stuff there was no need to do this and it probably only feeds whatever negative thoughts she has of your relationship.

 

Stop listening to the advice of family, especially mothers. They are there for support not for advice. They are not living your life so there is no way for them to know what is the best thing to do, and going out with a woman at this point would be a really dumb idea. Do go out with friends though. Make new ones who will be objective and not feel they have to pick a side between you and your wife.

 

Do make friends with your wife. Not because you want to keep her as your wife, but because she is the mother of your children and no matter what crap you two are going through the kids need to be protected. And this is the hardest thing about the whole process.