What's Wrong?

November 21, 2001

They're treated like crap, they're always being yelled out, cussed out, called a bitch, told they're fat. Their lives are controlled, they're told who they can go out with and where they can go. Constant fighting, constant depression, but yet she loves him.

It seems that every other girl involved in a relationship with a guy is like this. She's always unhappy, they don't get along, he calls her fat, controls her life but yet she stays with him.

The situation is sad, what's even sadder is how nice guys like me are overlooked but guys like the above are always the ones to find love first.

On the other hand I am a hard worker, great career going at the ripe age of 20, that's correct a career. I am very nice, very polite, I never backtalk women or anyone for that matter, I never say anything to a girl that's rude and is a comment about her looks.

I never yell, I stay calm and cool even in the worst of times and I know how to treat women and can offer love that most women would die forl But yet I've been single for 6 years now and can't find anyone, can't even get a date.

I'm overweight, I am 217 lbs but lets keep in consideration that I have came down to 217 lbs from 288 lbs. I'm not ugly, in fact I have been told I am cute, and even some has said I was hot.

For being 217, I wouldn't say that I am huge but I am not skinny. My personality is great, I'm not intelligent I only know what I need to know and I go on a need-to-know basis, meaning if I need to know something I can learn it in a matter of seconds. I am very technical minded, very smart in my own ways.

I create my own sense of humor mixed with sarcasim every now and then, not bad sarcasmim or something that puts people down.. just humor. I am open minded, I don't take life serious. The only things I take seriously is things that are serious, other than that I live life in a relax atmosphere, anything goes.

My problem? I'm shy and anti-social and I can't seem to overcome it. I've tried, I've left the house to go to bars, go out, but I just can't open up and be social and meet people.

I have no friends, literally I have one friend and one friend only. Even she is so busy these days I don't see her much. I have nobody to go out with, I can't motivate myself to go out because lack of support. I shouldn't need support, but it's nice knowing friends are there. Still disagree, tell that to support groups for people like abused women, alcholics.

What can I, someone who has no friends and ashamed of how much fat exists on my body, overcome something as powerful as shame and fear of going out? I wouldn't call it fear, I'm not scared to. I go out to places all the time, but I cannot drag myself to a bar (I'm only 20), I'm in a small town so nothing much to do.

My problem is when I try to start up a conversation I screw myself. Meaning I say something stupid, I don't know what to say, I make an approach and can't start a conversation. I'm not good at keeping a conversation going. How I sound embarasses me, the things I say, I feel stupid when compared to someone that can keep conversations going. Unfortunatly every opther person I know can do this.

I am depressed and I feel I am on my last string, I'm finding myself breaking down and crying more often now. I live with my parents, right now them and those I work with is all I have. Why not be friends with my co-workers? they're driven by ego, they are immature, they don't hang with people like me.

I'm never asked to go out, nobody ever asks me to go out. If there is a party, I don't know about it till after the fact. If there is a party, I've gone to two, nobody seems to even take notice that I am there. Nobody approaches me to talk, when I approach someone they ignore me. I feel I do not fit in. I feel unwanted, people uses me as their jokes, people feels the need to put me down for no reason.

I know my life could be worse, I will not compare my problems to that of a 12 year old on his death bed. While my problems can't compre to that, to me my problems are big enough to affect my life.

Like I said, I live with my parents still. They're leaving in 3 years to move leaving me with this big house, to be honest I am not looking forward to it at all. While most people my age would be thrilled, I honestly don't think I am ready to come home every night to a cold, lonely, empty house and not have someone ask me about my day, or just coming in and not hearing anything more than myself breathing and thinking.

I am scared right now, scared I will be faced with all thise alone, by myself. I haven't been able to find a girlfriend for 6 years now, well close to 6 years, so 3-years to me isn't that far away. I'm currently facing to make choices for when the time comes, because I don't want to come home to a big house like this empty with nobody around.

I'm having to decide, and considering, to sell the house and move into an apartment if I were unable to find someone to share my life with by the time my parents move out.

I need a change in my life, though I've tried I can't seem to find the spark that'll provide me with motivation. I don't know what the deal is, perhaps it's a mind full of shame, perhaps it's a lack of support, the lack of feeling loved and wanted.

If anyone can offer advice please do. Is there perhaps 800 #'s you can call for help? groups? organizations/ Again my problems to you aren't big, but to me they're big enough to open up like this... afterall I have no friends to talk to.

It's said that you always need a friend to talk to, what happens when you don't have one to listen then where do you turn? My parents, forget it my parents do not seem to care about me. They're so blind they can't see the fact that I am depressed. I'm never happy, I can't find a reason to smile, I never go out, but yet they don't notice nor ask if anything is wrong.

My parents take things as a joke, unless it will kill me they don't care. My dad is an a**h***, he called me an idiot and jumps down my throat. At night my dad sits in the living room with windows open, I walk through the living room to get something to drink, look for my cat, or something and he blows up at me. He tells me I act stupid, he tells me I am an idiot and nobody else is like me.

He tells me to get a life, tells me to move out, puts me down all the time. If I go into the living room at 1 AM he'll still be up and if I turn on a light so I can see where to walk he blows up at me.

Tonight I was outside looking for my cat, he's 4.5 months old and it's 40 degrees out there, I really do not care for a cat that young to be outside in that cold of weather. I go out to look for him and my dad called me a retard and said people across the street were laughing at me.

I'm depressed, my family sucks and I have nobody to turn towards. I feel as if I'm on my own in this world, as if everyone is against me. Please help, any adivce.

November 21, 2001

Hi there,

Okay, don't be offended please...but being the diehard catlover I am, and one who strongly believes in cats being kept strictly indoors where it's safe, I have to ask.....did you find your *kitten* (4.5 months is still considered a kitten, and not sure if you're aware of this but males that young CAN get a female pregnant, so I hope you can get him neutered soon...some clinics and shelter in the U.S. are doing spays/neuters at 8 weeks old, it's much easier on the cat). And please consider keeping your cat indoors at all times. So many dangers outside: antifreeze (only a couple licks of it will slowly and painfully kill a cat, they like it cuz it's sweet), dogs, sick cats, hit by cars, abused by sickos, lost, injured, etc etc.

Okay, off my soapbox now.

Now onto your situation....

First of all, I wish you'd do one thing (other than keeping your cat indoors)..and that's go back over your post and read it...twice, maybe three times. You are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo negative. I'm willing to bet the farm that you didn't write one sentence that had anything even remotely positive in it.

Now some might think you're having yourself a big ol' pity party, feeling very sorry for yourself. Others might think you really are depressed. Some might think you're somewhere in the middle. Fact is, none of us are qualified to judge for sure.

Want to share something with you.......did you know that the more negative you talk/write/speak/think, the more your subconscious picks up on that and it's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.....if you say everything is bad, it really all BECOMES BAD.

Having a positive attitude, regardless of how tough it is to have, is key. You've got to start trying to focus on some of the positives. Everyone has positives in their life. Everyone. Here, I'll list only 3 I picked up from your post:

1) you are a caring person....caring enough to be concerned about your kitten being outside, and going to find him. Do you know how many 'tough guys' wouldn't give a crap? I've always felt that those who love animals are better people..maybe "better" isn't the right word, but I guess to me they just seem more well rounded, caring, sensitive.

2) You're very articulate and you write well, good spelling. Do you know how many people your age (and much, much older) couldn't write or spell their way out of a paper bag?.....and do you know how many people can't express themselves by written word? You are talented in this regard. Now say to yourself, "I am a good writer."

3) You've lost 70 lbs. Hello??? That is fantastic/awesome/a great achievement....do you know how many people out there can't do that? That shows you have discipline, motivation, self respect, most likely a concern for your health, pride in your appearance, and balls!!!!

Now, see how easy that was?? :-)

You have to spend a part of each day figuring out some of the positives.....now even if this means getting yourself a journal /notebook and writing them down each day, in fact, I recommend it strongly. Sometimes things sink into our brains better if we write them down, and read them.

Now..about the fact that you don't have a girlfriend..okay, as patronizing as this sounds, you're not exactly over the hill. You're 20. Do you know how many people out there are your age or *OLDER* who have never had relationship?

Relationships come to us when we are ready....when we truly love ourself, don't have a huge chip on our shoulder and a grudge against the world. Right now, you're negative, pessimistic, depressed, bummed, skeptical, perturbed, etc. You're truly in no frame of mind for a relationship right now...you have to work on YOU!.....and doing that means loving yourself: despite the weight, despite the fact that you're not Mr Social Butterfly, despite the fact that you have dipsticks for parents, despite the fact that your coworkers are ego-driven nitwits.........

You could be the best looking guy since sliced bread....body of an Adonis, but with the frame of mind and attitude you have right now, your looks wouldn't matter diddly squat. People are subconsciously (and consciously) drawn to happy, mostly optimistic, "the glass is half full", self-loving people. They are not attracted to those who aren't. Get what I'm saying?

Seems to me that you're basing your happiness in life on: a relationship, having friends, your parents, etc. Nice try but no cigar. A person can live alone on a deserted island and if they love themself, like their own company, acknowledge their talents and good qualities, they can be happy even if all alone.

Now this stuff about your parents moving in 3 yrs, leaving you the house, and you already stressing about coming home to an empty house/living alone,...going so far as to thinking about selling the house down the line. Come on now!! There's that pessimism, again.......don't look so far ahead, for goodness' sake!!! A lot can happen in 3 yrs. Your whole life could be very different in 3 yrs. Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

It's good to look towards the future, but I think you're overdoing it to the Nth degree..it's almost like you're "LOOKING" for problems. Stop it! :-)

If you're not happy with your life, it's completely up to YOU to make changes. Here are some suggestions:

-find a counselor or therapist. If you don't have the money, look up in the front of your phonebook, or in the white pages, or in the Yellow pages under "CRISIS LINE"......not only can you talk to these people (trained volunteers) 24 hrs a day, you can get them to give you suggestions on free counseling/therapy. I don't know about your health insurance coverage, but it's possible too that if you went to your family doc, he could refer you to someone.....and it might even be covered under the coverage you have.

-get some self-help books....go to a good bookstore, like Barnes and Noble or one like that.....find the Self Help section. You need books on self esteem, inner happiness, loving yourself, accepting yourself, etc etc.

-go talk to a minister/priest/pastor/rabbi. Doesn't even matter if you've never stepped foot in a church/their church (or temple) before......they won't hold that against you at all. Part of their job is to be there for those who are going through tough times. They'll sit and listen, (and no, they won't try to convert you lol)....won't judge you, will keep what you tell them confidential, and they can be a great help. AND..they are FREE.

-You're obviously good at writing......why not do something with that? Take a writing class to sharpen your skills.....start writing some short stories, write some "letters to the editor" of various newspapers to get some practice.....find a couple subject you're interested in, do some research and just start writing. Writing can be very therapeutic/cathartic. (well, it is for me)

-if you feel you're depressed, again, go see your doctor. If you don't have a doctor, there must be some clinics around where you live? Sometimes a person's depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain......a shortage of the neurotransmitter "serotonin"....this can happen due to stress in one's life, chronic lack of quality sleep, hormonal imbalances, etc etc. Maybe you need an anti-depressant. Now these don't just make your depression and pessimism go away.......they are just part of the solution.....counseling/therapy are important....if not more important. And no, it doesn't make you WEAK/CRAZY/WHACKO/FRAGILE/GIRLY if you're a guy and need an antidepressant. In all honesty, I bet you there's almost more people on them today than those who aren't.

Now as for your parents not noticing you're depressed..hey, some people are dense. I have a Mom who's like that. Lots of us do. Don't worry about them, worry about you. If you feel you're depressed, that's what matters the most....so do something about it.

Something else......if you feel extremely shy, almost to the point of being anti-social, having the tendency to want to stay at home all the time for fear of being in public, are anxious about social gatherings, etc.....you're one of millions who is like this. Paxil is not only an anti-depressant, but it's also used for people with 'social phobia'.......go to http:www.paxil.com and check it out. If that's not the address, then do a search on Google: http://www.google.com for PAXIL and you should find it.

One of the best things for depression/feeling down in the dumps, etc.....is staying active, exercise. I can't tell you how many people who've been in similar positions to yours have started some kind of exercise program..even if it's just going for a long walk after dinner each night.......how it's made such a difference in their mood, outlook.

Well, I hope some of this has helped.

Laurynn

November 21, 2001

Everything Laurynn wrote about your situation is absolutely correct.

I cannot stress enough how much your life will change if you shed another 40 or 50 pounds. I don't care what other people say, I can tell you without reservation that most women (and men) are turned off by obesity. Many people don't even want friends who are severely overweight. I know that's pretty superficial but it's just the way the world is.

Once your weight starts a downward spiral, you will get many encouraging comments. And when you get down to an attractive weight, you will get attention from women you never dreamed of.

Your attitude and self esteem is ZERO right now but I promise you when you lose those pounds, the entire world will change for the better, your energy level will soar, you will be motivated to do much more, you will feel great physically, mentally and emotionally, and...best of all...you'll live 20 years longer and enjoy a great social life that much longer.

Good luck. It's hard to motivate yourself to get started but you've apparently done it before. Begin again.

November 21, 2001

Thanks Laurynn, as for the cat it bolted out the door because my dad doesn't know how to shut doors quickly and it ran outside. Quite frankly my dad doesn't give a rats ass about the fact that a 4.5 month old kitten is outside in 30 degree weather. But I do!

November 21, 2001

Since losing the weight I have my attitude has changed a lot. I'm so happy with the weight I have lost. The biggest thing I am ashamed of is the fact that I have huge man tits. They're huge, even after losing all that weight. I don't wear normal clothes because I try to hide them, my waist is huge.

I want to get rid of my man tits, I don't know if walking will take them away because I will lose fat from walking or what. I am trying weight lifting but A) I can only stand doing it for like a few minutes.

Will walking even do crap to the fact in my chest? Or will I be 180 lbs with huge tits still? I've came to the point thinking about breast reduction for men like me but that costs to much.

November 21, 2001

i agree with the other posts, joe. sounds like the job-thing is allright for you, so it's time to work on the more personal things right now.

oh, before all this -- problems are RELATIVE! NO ONE experiences, feels, or deals with your issues the way YOU do, so don't beat yourself up over that. this is not to say you can't change the way you react to problems to lower your depression level, but don't let people tell you your problems are "small" or "nothing" . . . they just don't know!

so, is there a gym in the area you can join to continue the weight loss?? you're doing great so far, so why not set an attainable goal for yourself, then work towards it! i think that many things can change for you if you start this -- you'll build that self-confidence up, and it'll get you away from your folks more!

i would try not to concentrate so much on the problems you've got . . . what are the GOOD things?? hell, if nothing else, you've got a job and a roof over your head!

you need to be content with YOURSELF -- you're a good person, so try and concentrate on that. find some hobbies and interests, and follow-through with them . . . get comfortable doing things on your own, and just with yourself in general -- that kind of stuff DOES SHOW on the outside -- definitely makes a person more attractive all around!

you're in a "slump", joe, and you CAN get out of this . . . but it's up to YOU to do it! it is NOT going to be easy, but it WILL be rewarding!! this is the life we've been given, so you may-as-well squeeze as MUCH out of it -- because there IS so much!!

GOOD LUCK . . . and, don't roll over and just play dead here, make an EFFORT to enjoy yourself!

gotta ask -- any luck with the kittie yet?? got a little persian at home myself, "harley", and she's great!

They're treated like crap, they're always being yelled out, cussed out, called a bitch, told they're fat. Their lives are controlled, they're told who they can go out with and where they can go. Constant fighting, constant depression, but yet she loves him. It seems that every other girl involved in a relationship with a guy is like this. She's always unhappy, they don't get along, he calls her fat, controls her life but yet she stays with him. The situation is sad, what's even sadder is how nice guys like me are overlooked but guys like the above are always the ones to find love first. On the other hand I am a hard worker, great career going at the ripe age of 20, that's correct a career. I am very nice, very polite, I never backtalk women or anyone for that matter, I never say anything to a girl that's rude and is a comment about her looks. I never yell, I stay calm and cool even in the worst of times and I know how to treat women and can offer love that most women would die forl But yet I've been single for 6 years now and can't find anyone, can't even get a date. I'm overweight, I am 217 lbs but lets keep in consideration that I have came down to 217 lbs from 288 lbs. I'm not ugly, in fact I have been told I am cute, and even some has said I was hot. For being 217, I wouldn't say that I am huge but I am not skinny. My personality is great, I'm not intelligent I only know what I need to know and I go on a need-to-know basis, meaning if I need to know something I can learn it in a matter of seconds. I am very technical minded, very smart in my own ways. I create my own sense of humor mixed with sarcasim every now and then, not bad sarcasmim or something that puts people down.. just humor. I am open minded, I don't take life serious. The only things I take seriously is things that are serious, other than that I live life in a relax atmosphere, anything goes. My problem? I'm shy and anti-social and I can't seem to overcome it. I've tried, I've left the house to go to bars, go out, but I just can't open up and be social and meet people. I have no friends, literally I have one friend and one friend only. Even she is so busy these days I don't see her much. I have nobody to go out with, I can't motivate myself to go out because lack of support. I shouldn't need support, but it's nice knowing friends are there. Still disagree, tell that to support groups for people like abused women, alcholics. What can I, someone who has no friends and ashamed of how much fat exists on my body, overcome something as powerful as shame and fear of going out? I wouldn't call it fear, I'm not scared to. I go out to places all the time, but I cannot drag myself to a bar (I'm only 20), I'm in a small town so nothing much to do. My problem is when I try to start up a conversation I screw myself. Meaning I say something stupid, I don't know what to say, I make an approach and can't start a conversation. I'm not good at keeping a conversation going. How I sound embarasses me, the things I say, I feel stupid when compared to someone that can keep conversations going. Unfortunatly every opther person I know can do this. I am depressed and I feel I am on my last string, I'm finding myself breaking down and crying more often now. I live with my parents, right now them and those I work with is all I have. Why not be friends with my co-workers? they're driven by ego, they are immature, they don't hang with people like me. I'm never asked to go out, nobody ever asks me to go out. If there is a party, I don't know about it till after the fact. If there is a party, I've gone to two, nobody seems to even take notice that I am there. Nobody approaches me to talk, when I approach someone they ignore me. I feel I do not fit in. I feel unwanted, people uses me as their jokes, people feels the need to put me down for no reason. I know my life could be worse, I will not compare my problems to that of a 12 year old on his death bed. While my problems can't compre to that, to me my problems are big enough to affect my life. Like I said, I live with my parents still. They're leaving in 3 years to move leaving me with this big house, to be honest I am not looking forward to it at all. While most people my age would be thrilled, I honestly don't think I am ready to come home every night to a cold, lonely, empty house and not have someone ask me about my day, or just coming in and not hearing anything more than myself breathing and thinking. I am scared right now, scared I will be faced with all thise alone, by myself. I haven't been able to find a girlfriend for 6 years now, well close to 6 years, so 3-years to me isn't that far away. I'm currently facing to make choices for when the time comes, because I don't want to come home to a big house like this empty with nobody around. I'm having to decide, and considering, to sell the house and move into an apartment if I were unable to find someone to share my life with by the time my parents move out. I need a change in my life, though I've tried I can't seem to find the spark that'll provide me with motivation. I don't know what the deal is, perhaps it's a mind full of shame, perhaps it's a lack of support, the lack of feeling loved and wanted. If anyone can offer advice please do. Is there perhaps 800 #'s you can call for help? groups? organizations/ Again my problems to you aren't big, but to me they're big enough to open up like this... afterall I have no friends to talk to.

It's said that you always need a friend to talk to, what happens when you don't have one to listen then where do you turn? My parents, forget it my parents do not seem to care about me. They're so blind they can't see the fact that I am depressed. I'm never happy, I can't find a reason to smile, I never go out, but yet they don't notice nor ask if anything is wrong. My parents take things as a joke, unless it will kill me they don't care. My dad is an a**h***, he called me an idiot and jumps down my throat. At night my dad sits in the living room with windows open, I walk through the living room to get something to drink, look for my cat, or something and he blows up at me. He tells me I act stupid, he tells me I am an idiot and nobody else is like me. He tells me to get a life, tells me to move out, puts me down all the time. If I go into the living room at 1 AM he'll still be up and if I turn on a light so I can see where to walk he blows up at me. Tonight I was outside looking for my cat, he's 4.5 months old and it's 40 degrees out there, I really do not care for a cat that young to be outside in that cold of weather. I go out to look for him and my dad called me a retard and said people across the street were laughing at me.

I'm depressed, my family sucks and I have nobody to turn towards. I feel as if I'm on my own in this world, as if everyone is against me. Please help, any adivce.

November 21, 2001

Excessive weight is one of the causes of gynecomastia, an enlargement of the male breasts. Get checked for this. If you don't have this benign condition which is a pronounced cyst which enlarges around the center of the breast, provided there is no attendent cancer, then losing weight will definitely get rid of this.

I don't know what your height is but I would say, generally, you should strive for a weight of about 160 pounds or so.

Forget your social situation, lose the weight to save your life by avoiding obesity-induced conditions like diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea and other sleep disorders, hypoglycemia, cardiovascular disease, etc.

A new lease on life and a renewed interest by others in your life will be a great reward and something to look for...not to mention smaller tits.

November 21, 2001

Hi Joe. We've all been there in one way or another. I've never had a weight problem, but any problem to anyone can seem unbearable, whether it's a weight problem or someone doesn't like their nose or something.

After reading your post, I can tell that you like yourself and are proud of yourself from some of the things you've said. Even though you're in a depression and can't get out of your rutt, you recognize (even though you may not have outright said it) what you're going through and you do see a light at the end of the tunnel, you're just looking for the first step.

As for a relationship...who doesn't want a great one. Half of the people who write to this site are going through a hard time. Dating is hard and finding the right person is hard. I have quite a few friends and I go out all the time and still don't meet men that are worth my while. The point is STOP LOOKING. It doesn't happen when you look or try too hard. You aren't even ready for a relationship. You still need to work on you.

Another thing you were saying at the beginning of your post. YOu asked why a girl that get abused by a guy would stay with him and why she would chose him over a nice guy like you. Why do you think? It's the same reason that you are beating yourself up a bit in your email. Low self esteem. A girl that lets a guy treat her poorly, feels that that's how she deserves to be treated. You're a nice guy, feel flattered that you're too healthy to be with a girl like that. She wouldn't go for you if you looked like Brad Pitt and were nice to her. My little brother is incredibly handsome. He's blond, blue-eyed, 6'4" and can basically get any girl he wants...he just can't keep them. The problem is, he's nice and they all (and I mean ALL) dump him after 2 months tops. He is the sweetest, most considerate guy, calls when he says he's going to call and WANTS a committed relationship. The point I'm trying to make is whether you lose another 50 lbs or not doesn't matter (unless it's best for your health). LOOKS MEAN NOTHING. You should see all the unattractive guys I've dated. Do you know how many of my friends have said "He's so not your type and he's fat." What I say to all of them is, but he treats me well. Of course, when I was in my early 20's, I dated nothing but jerks and went for guys with looks. When I got older, I now avoid good looking men and go for the guys with the personality. I'm now dating a guy who's 6'9, very thin, sorta goofy, but treats me like gold. I'm crazy about him. You'll find someone in time, but like I said, work on yourself before you bring someone else in to your life. You're not ready yet.

As for the friends thing. If you even have just one good friend, you're doing fine, whether you see them a lot or not. If you ask a person with a dozen friends, ask them which ones are their best friends who they can always rely on. They may say all of the them, but then they're lying. Most people only have 1 to 3 incredibly close friends. You seem to be the no games, honest kind of guy. You sound like you don't like to play the field with women or deal with phony people. You want real solid things in your life, so that's what you're going for...the gold. Some people don't mind casual fun friends or dating around...but you're not one of them, so stop trying to change who you are. At least when you find what you're looking for one day, it will last, whether it be a relationship or friends.

If you want to meet people. Join a gym, a skiing club, a sailing club, a biking/hiking club - they're all over the net, so look them up. You sound like the type of guy that a woman will fall for once she knows who you are, you can meet them and get to know them in a weekly sporting club. You don't sound like the type of guy that likes to go up to women in a bar you find attractive & hardly know and ask them out. It's uncomfortable and it doesn't sound like your style. And join the club on your own. Most people do anyway.

What you need to do is take baby steps to healing your confidence. Do one thing at a time, whether it's cleaning your room or joining a gym. Don't overwhelm yourself. One little step or move you make to help/better yourself, is like taking a confidence pill. Like I said before, it's obvious you like yourself, it's just a little rutt that we all get into once in a while.

P.S. I really hope you found your kitten.

November 21, 2001

Joe, since Laurynn and Tony did such a great job of eloquently answering your post, I would only like to touch on a few other points. The rest need not be elaborated upon.

First, do not look at women who are involved with abusive partners and say to yourself; "Why are these guys lucky enough to get these women and I don't?" Already you are judging yourself to be less worthy of love than these dysfunctional misfits. Understand, people subconsciously choose emotionally and physically abusive partners because they come from unhealthy family environments and they can not interpret a relationship as being any other way. It's what they've learned...its all they know. Two emotionally dysfunctional people will subconsciously seek one another out, feeding off of each other's drama like co-dependants. Psychologically, they NEED turmoil and drama in their relationships in order to feel "bonded" to their partner. They are adrenaline junkies -- emotional addicts.

"Dysfunction" -- The *gift* that keeps giving.

These kind of women wouldn't even appreciate a nice, compassionate guy like you. They'd get bored quickly. They'd perhaps try to provoke you in hopes of stirring up a reaction. Unless a man is jealous, condescending, and keeps her on a tight leash...than she thinks he doesn't care.

What's more, I fear that because of your own background -- your verbally condescending father; the way you've been judged by your friends; the way you now describe yourself the way other people view you -- you may also be at risk of subconsciously attracting someone who will be emotionally abusive towards you. Without even knowing it, you will seek out someone who will reinforce your own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth.

DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

Stop the chain reaction NOW! Get above and beyond it. You are still young, still in your prime, and still have plenty of time to turn your life around. I have friends in their late 30's and 40's who have NEVER had a serious relationship. It's certainly not "too late" for you!!

They're treated like crap, they're always being yelled out, cussed out, called a bitch, told they're fat. Their lives are controlled, they're told who they can go out with and where they can go. Constant fighting, constant depression, but yet she loves him. It seems that every other girl involved in a relationship with a guy is like this. She's always unhappy, they don't get along, he calls her fat, controls her life but yet she stays with him. The situation is sad, what's even sadder is how nice guys like me are overlooked but guys like the above are always the ones to find love first. On the other hand I am a hard worker, great career going at the ripe age of 20, that's correct a career. I am very nice, very polite, I never backtalk women or anyone for that matter, I never say anything to a girl that's rude and is a comment about her looks. I never yell, I stay calm and cool even in the worst of times and I know how to treat women and can offer love that most women would die forl But yet I've been single for 6 years now and can't find anyone, can't even get a date. I'm overweight, I am 217 lbs but lets keep in consideration that I have came down to 217 lbs from 288 lbs. I'm not ugly, in fact I have been told I am cute, and even some has said I was hot. For being 217, I wouldn't say that I am huge but I am not skinny. My personality is great, I'm not intelligent I only know what I need to know and I go on a need-to-know basis, meaning if I need to know something I can learn it in a matter of seconds. I am very technical minded, very smart in my own ways. I create my own sense of humor mixed with sarcasim every now and then, not bad sarcasmim or something that puts people down.. just humor. I am open minded, I don't take life serious. The only things I take seriously is things that are serious, other than that I live life in a relax atmosphere, anything goes. My problem? I'm shy and anti-social and I can't seem to overcome it. I've tried, I've left the house to go to bars, go out, but I just can't open up and be social and meet people. I have no friends, literally I have one friend and one friend only. Even she is so busy these days I don't see her much. I have nobody to go out with, I can't motivate myself to go out because lack of support. I shouldn't need support, but it's nice knowing friends are there. Still disagree, tell that to support groups for people like abused women, alcholics. What can I, someone who has no friends and ashamed of how much fat exists on my body, overcome something as powerful as shame and fear of going out? I wouldn't call it fear, I'm not scared to. I go out to places all the time, but I cannot drag myself to a bar (I'm only 20), I'm in a small town so nothing much to do. My problem is when I try to start up a conversation I screw myself. Meaning I say something stupid, I don't know what to say, I make an approach and can't start a conversation. I'm not good at keeping a conversation going. How I sound embarasses me, the things I say, I feel stupid when compared to someone that can keep conversations going. Unfortunatly every opther person I know can do this. I am depressed and I feel I am on my last string, I'm finding myself breaking down and crying more often now. I live with my parents, right now them and those I work with is all I have. Why not be friends with my co-workers? they're driven by ego, they are immature, they don't hang with people like me. I'm never asked to go out, nobody ever asks me to go out. If there is a party, I don't know about it till after the fact. If there is a party, I've gone to two, nobody seems to even take notice that I am there. Nobody approaches me to talk, when I approach someone they ignore me. I feel I do not fit in. I feel unwanted, people uses me as their jokes, people feels the need to put me down for no reason. I know my life could be worse, I will not compare my problems to that of a 12 year old on his death bed. While my problems can't compre to that, to me my problems are big enough to affect my life. Like I said, I live with my parents still. They're leaving in 3 years to move leaving me with this big house, to be honest I am not looking forward to it at all. While most people my age would be thrilled, I honestly don't think I am ready to come home every night to a cold, lonely, empty house and not have someone ask me about my day, or just coming in and not hearing anything more than myself breathing and thinking. I am scared right now, scared I will be faced with all thise alone, by myself. I haven't been able to find a girlfriend for 6 years now, well close to 6 years, so 3-years to me isn't that far away. I'm currently facing to make choices for when the time comes, because I don't want to come home to a big house like this empty with nobody around. I'm having to decide, and considering, to sell the house and move into an apartment if I were unable to find someone to share my life with by the time my parents move out. I need a change in my life, though I've tried I can't seem to find the spark that'll provide me with motivation. I don't know what the deal is, perhaps it's a mind full of shame, perhaps it's a lack of support, the lack of feeling loved and wanted. If anyone can offer advice please do. Is there perhaps 800 #'s you can call for help? groups? organizations/ Again my problems to you aren't big, but to me they're big enough to open up like this... afterall I have no friends to talk to.

It's said that you always need a friend to talk to, what happens when you don't have one to listen then where do you turn? My parents, forget it my parents do not seem to care about me. They're so blind they can't see the fact that I am depressed. I'm never happy, I can't find a reason to smile, I never go out, but yet they don't notice nor ask if anything is wrong. My parents take things as a joke, unless it will kill me they don't care. My dad is an a**h***, he called me an idiot and jumps down my throat. At night my dad sits in the living room with windows open, I walk through the living room to get something to drink, look for my cat, or something and he blows up at me. He tells me I act stupid, he tells me I am an idiot and nobody else is like me. He tells me to get a life, tells me to move out, puts me down all the time. If I go into the living room at 1 AM he'll still be up and if I turn on a light so I can see where to walk he blows up at me. Tonight I was outside looking for my cat, he's 4.5 months old and it's 40 degrees out there, I really do not care for a cat that young to be outside in that cold of weather. I go out to look for him and my dad called me a retard and said people across the street were laughing at me.

I'm depressed, my family sucks and I have nobody to turn towards. I feel as if I'm on my own in this world, as if everyone is against me. Please help, any adivce.

November 21, 2001

Hi there, Okay, don't be offended please...but being the diehard catlover I am, and one who strongly believes in cats being kept strictly indoors where it's safe,

Wow it took me a while to delete the fat.

Keeping a cat indoors is akin to keeping a person in solitary confinement. You will take the "cat" out of your pet & it will become simply a plush toy. Cat's are by nature predators & need outdoor stimulation. Danger lurks in every life but if we are caged than why bother living?

November 22, 2001

You wrote:

"Wow it took me a while to delete the fat."

What was that supposed to mean?

"Keeping a cat indoors is akin to keeping a person in solitary confinement. You will take the "cat" out of your pet & it will become simply a plush toy. Cat's are by nature

predators & need outdoor stimulation. Danger lurks in every life but if we are caged than why bother living?"

Solitary confinement? How the heck is that? It's not like you're keeping the cat indoors and locking it up in the broom closet. Cats can have a wonderfully fulfilling and stimulating life 'indoors'.....

I have 6 strictly indoor cats. All were sickly, skinny, starving, worm-infested, flea-infested, mangey cats when I found them over the years (errr, when they found me). 2 had severe urinary tract infections that if left undetected/untreated, could have lead to kidney infections/kidney failure/death.

I'm sure at one time they all belonged to someone, as they were all very people-friendly (except one who I'm sure had been abused because even now after 5 yrs, she's still a little skittish).

My cats have a whole home to run around in.....plenty of scratching posts place near windows, so they can look out.....lots of window sills to lay on, too. They are well fed (quality food), get regular Vet checkups, they are healthy and happy. 2 of them, if you were to open the front door, they'd turn and run....no desire whatsoever to go outside. They know where they have it good: inside.

I don't ever have to worry about any of them getting hit/maimed by cars.....or getting into a fight with an FIV (feline AIDS) or FeLV (feline leukemia) positive cat....or one with distemper or rabies. There are no 'cures' for feline AIDS or leukemia (and even the vaccination for the latter is only 75% effective).

I don't have to worry about them finding a small puddle of antifreeze on someone's driveway and taking a few licks (cats love this stuff) and suffering from anti-freeze poisoning (which = sure death...and it's not a quick death...it's a long, painful, horrible death..where many owners don't even realize something is "wrong" with their cat until it's already too late. They end of up going into acute kidney failure, they have seizures, they die.

There are many people out there who don't like cats...and they don't like them doing their business in their flowerbeds/spraying against their house/car (and I don't blame them)....some of these people will put rat poison or antifreeze out, to attract the cat and to kill it, because they feel it's a nuisance. How is this fair to the cat?

Have you ever seen a dying cat, lying by the side of the road, clinging to life, having just been hit by a car.....body all mangled up, limbs dislocated/broken.....breathing 200 miles a minute, in horrid pain and suffering? Letting your cat outside where he/she faces this realistic risk is anything but "loving your pet."

I live in a quiet residential neighborhood, but I have seen at least 8 cats over the past 18 months, dead on the road. Beautiful cats.

The last stray I found, 7 months ago....she's a beautiful elderly Siamese who has chronic kidney failure and hyperaldosteronism. When I found her (she found me), she was staggering across my lawn, in a daze, very thin, dehydrated, eyes glazed. The road in front of my house has transit buses going by regularly. And a fair bit of residential traffic. She was 'this close' to staggering across the road. She was a very friendly, sweet little old girl....obviously owned by someone in the past. They obviously took horrible care of her. She was very sick and not things that just happened overnight. Her teeth and gums were horrible with dental disease.......she's probably about 17-19 years old. Has never had her teeth done ever (which is likely what lead to the kidney disease).....she's even missing quite a few. It's a sad sad shame. I tried to locate her owners but nobody had even reported her missing. Guess they didn't care.

Yes, there are risks in life.......but come on, be realistic. Little children, toddlers..they are curious by nature....they love to play and investigate. Does that mean it would be okay to let little Johnny go outside and play, unsupervised in the front yard/on the road? By supervising him and not allowing him to do this, does that mean he's being kept in solitary confinement? Hardly. To allow him to run loose would be child abuse.

Cats (and dogs) have the same ability to reason as little children. They don't understand about moving cars, they don't understand about the dangers of antifreeze or getting into a scrap with a sick feral/stray cat....they don't understand about predators (vicious dogs, coyotes, skunks (that often carry rabies).....they don't always know how to find their way home.

I can't tell you the number of times I've seen people bring an injured pet into the Animal Hospital.....it was hit by a car. They are given an estimate as to what it will cost to save/do surgery on the suffering animal. A good majority of people b*tch because it's going to cost them too much. Some are too cheap to even bring the animal in to begin with. Who suffers? The animal.

Cats are domesticated animals. We as humans domesticated them. They are not like lions and tigers out in the wild in Africa, having to fend for themself.

If you take a pet into your life, it's a lifetime commitment, and you're responsible for ensuring the safety, health and well being of that animal......and if you can't do that, you don't deserve a pet and would be better off with a stuffed animal or Chia Pet.

Here's a link that explains in more detail, the risks to outdoor cats:

Indoors vs Outdoors

Here's a page with a whole list of links...from reputable sources such as the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA), the American Humane Society, various animal welfare organizations, several Vets, etc:

What's Wrong?

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