I thought I was the only one that had unusual mother issues

[Lola Smith]

First, I am so glad I found this site. I am 30 years old and all my life my mother drove me crazy. My social worker friend thinks she has borderline personality disorder. When I read some of the posts here I can relate to some. I was ashamed of myself for so many years that I would have these issues that I did with my mother. I thought I was the only one with an insane mother.

 

I have had several therapists I discussed this with and no matter what they said or how much better I got at emotionally detaching from my mother, I still felt alone. My parents did give me a great education and material goods, I will be the first to admit it. But with that came criticism, high expectations and the attitude of "if it wasn't for me you wouldn't have this or be this..."

 

My earliest memory of my mother's tirade was when I was in the 5th grade when I told her that I had to get a text book covered for school. She just had come home from work and I didn't think she heard me, so I told her again. From across the room she threw a tablespoon at me, cutting my chin. Another memory is when I said a bad word to my sister, my mother beat me with a sneaker so badly my grandmother had to rub ointment on my welts. As I write this I ask myself why I haven't 100% forgave her. Part of me will always resent her and hate her.

 

As I grew older the insults continued, I remember being 11 or 12 years old and when she didn't like something I did, she called me a slut and a whore. I mean I was 11 years old!!!!! She never liked my laugh. If I didn't want to wear a dress she would call me a faggot. When I got married I subconsciously must have wanted to get out of her house. She didn't approve of the guy. So when I wanted a divorce imagine my surprise when she told my ex husband to contest the divorce. I had to fight to get his pictures taken down. Last Christmas I went ballistic when she started crying because I didn't want my ex to take part in the festivities. She wanted to hang a stocking on her mantle for him. Hello? He and I have been apart physically for over 4 years by then.

 

I have come to the realization that my mother is an insecure individual. She is boisterous and always showing off. When at work no one is more busier than she is, as if the whole world is on her shoulders. If you are going thru a situation if she hasn't gone thru it, it must not register on her major issue meter. It took me leaving her house to realize that this is not the way to be, it took alot of deprogramming on my part. For I was beginning to get like her.

 

I am still not over a lot she has done and said. She claims she didn't know better. I attribute this to her co dependency characteristics. She has alcoholism in her family though she won't admit it. She says her brother is a drunk. Ok whatever. She also has to be in control. The truth is I hate her and always will.

 

I have lost all respect for her. My father and sister deal with her nonsense. I feel bad for them but I have to remember to turn the switch in my head off when I start feeling too bad. For they themselves also have a choice.

 

If I ever became a mother I would not want my children to be around her. I am fearful that she will do the same things. She doesn't want to go therapy because it is beneath her. I guess admitting she is messed up in the head is a bad thing. When I was in therapy she used to tell me that I don't need to go because I just have to put it in my head that I don't need it.

 

My parents treated me as if I am an investment, by comments they make when I disagree with them they feel that they sent me to the best schools, etc and I should be grateful by implying I should just deal with their issues. My father is famous for saying "Well you know that's your mother."

 

I resemble my mother physically and I have to tell you sometimes looking in the mirror is difficult at times. I have to turn off the tape in my head that just because I look like her doesn't mean I am her.

[blind_otter]

Welcome! Join the club, haha.

 

Interestingly enough (I share a similar bizarre history with my mother) I was talking about my Mom with my sister just the other day. I think it's hard growing up, when you are confronted with how f***ed up your parent(s) are before you are really emotionally or cognitively capable of processing that information. Only now am I coming to terms with the fact that she was a fallible human being who made a lot of mistakes, but even beyond the physical abuse I think the worst part was that she lacked the insight or self awareness to see what she was doing.

 

I get that, too. I look like my mother, I laugh like her. My Dad also says that, on endless repeat "Well, you know how your mother is..." It's a huge struggle to come to the point where you can just accept that...

 

My new motto is "At this point, it is what it is".

 

Because that's pretty much it. It is what it is. But you have to ask yourself, when does this negative influence stop, and when do I begin? When is it your responsibility, however s***ty the job, to make up for the time you lost to some poor parenting choices?

 

I am still coming to terms with it, though, don't get me wrong.

 

I just wanted to say, I hear you and I very much understand.

[Lola Smith]

Thank you, no matter how many people say it's messed up, it's folks that actually lived similar situations that really get what we mean, I am glad I came across this site.

[quankanne]

next time you look in the mirror, lola, and you see her face, tell yourself that you are the new, improved, kinder model that your mother could never aspire to. You will never be like her because you are aware of those hurtful things she's done, things you chose not to inflict on others even though you have every right to do so. You're better than she could ever be simply because you are not her.

 

every family is screwed up to some degree, but the good news is, we have it within ourselves to heal from the pain that has been inflicted.

[Lola Smith]

thanks, some days are real hard.

[quankanne]

I can't even begin to imagine women treating their kids like that, because my mom was pretty great up until the day she died – it sounds so surreal hearing people describe their childhood with those bitch moms from hell, though I know they exist, because their victims are still bleeding pretty heavily.

[a4a]

it sounds so surreal hearing people describe their childhood with those bitch moms from hell, though I know they exist, because their victims are still bleeding pretty heavily.

 

Don't forget the Daddies who sat back and allowed it.