guiltygirl Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend since I was fifteen years old and he was twenty. He was my first boyfriend and sex partner. I’m now twenty three and have been living with him since I was seventeen. I have been unfaithful for the past four years of are relationship with many partners. I was deeply in love with him and faithful our first four years together. Once I started cheating, I have not been able to stop for lack of willpower or for some other reason. We’re still together and probably wouldn’t be if it weren’t for are 1 ½ year old son that brought us much closer when he was born. But only two months after he was born I began cheating on him again with an old lover. I have been able to stay faithful to him for many months to over a year at a time. I now met someone at work two months who I like a lot (starting to fall for) and that I seem to be very compatible with and have already slept with. It’s not just sex with the guy from work; we have a lot in common and can talk for hours. I still love my bf but, I’m not sure that I’m “in love,” with him. Lately I’ve been thinking of leaving him but don’t because I’m really not sure what to do and I don’t want to break up our family. My questions are, Should I tell him the truth about meeting someone at work. Should I stop seeing the guy at work even though I really like him? Am I just being self indulgent and selfish? Should I seek therapy? What I really need is some good advice that I probably don’t want to hear. I feel like a big sex addict sometimes. I do know what I’m doing is very wrong. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 Should I tell him the truth You mean he has no idea you have been cheating on him for 4 years? I find this very hard to believe if you once had a close relationship. Either he is in-love with you and will put up with anything or he is in denial. I think you should do the man a favor and leave him alone. You do not love him. You can't love someone and be this disrespectful to him. I would get yourself to counseling after you leave him because when you fess up he will never want to see you again ( if he has any balls at all ). You do not know what love is and you really need to understand why you are behaving the way you do. I am not bashing you but you really need to find out why you feel the need to sleep with all of these guys. It can't be about the sex.' Seek help for your own good. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I'll take <selfish slut> for $500 jack. There's nothing to advise you on here - you obviously care about nobody but yourself. pffft Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you have been to him and putting you at risk for STD's. After all of this the very very least you can is to be honest with your boyfriend about your affairs so he can decide how he wishes to live his life. You seem to have no guilt whatsoever. Does your boyfriend really deserve all of this betrayal from you? Be honest to him and then have the both of you decide whether you wish to divorce or recover your marriage. It is not just all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 Am I just being self indulgent and selfish? Should I seek therapy? YES and YES Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 You were too young when you got together with him. You're still really young. I don't really think your behavior will change. I'm not judgmental about it or anything, but I do think you'd better start making better decisions. Maybe it's time to think of a life without him. I think that's the way you're headed anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenorman Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 Don't forget the kid. Link to post Share on other sites
hopelesskid Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 No offense, but the relationship isn't going to work out. You've continued to cheat for four years. You are with your husband because of the history not the feelings. No partner desevres that. Let him be with someone who can make him happy. Link to post Share on other sites
corwin Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 You already admitted that what you're doing is wrong. What do you want us to do? We can't help you... you have to help yourself and start making some adult decisions about the life you're living. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 . Should I stop seeing the guy at work even though I really like him? Am I just being self indulgent and selfish? Should I seek therapy? What I really need is some good advice that I probably don’t want to hear. I feel like a big sex addict sometimes. I do know what I’m doing is very wrong. Please help. Yes stop seeing the new guy. Yes you are being self indulgent and selfish. Yes you should seek therapy. Yes it does sound like you are a sex addict. The difference between sex addicts and nyphomaniacs is that, by and large, sex addicts receive pleasure from their activities whereas nyphomaniacs tend to compulsively seek out sex without usually orgasming from the encounters. It's like someone with OCD washing their hands until they are chapped and bleeding. This is unhealthy behavior. You are exposing yourself to a lot of things that could endager your health, and your partner's health. I agree with Johan. You entered into this relationship at a very young age and probably stalled out the development of your emotional maturity. I would definatley say that you need to come clean to your longterm partner and let him decide if he is willing to stay with you (it IS his decision), and seek out therapy for this compulsive sexual behavior. The thing is, behavioral addictions like sex, or gambling, or shopping, are almost ALWAYS accompanied by some kind of substance abuse - alcohol, cocaine, pot....so you need to look at yourself and the way you use that substance or your behavior to distance yourself from emotions or situations that you feel unhappy with. And recognize this is unhealthy and potentially lethal for you -- if you don't learn NOW how to deal with things and accept the reality of your life, then you may be stuck as an emotional teenager for the rest of your life. Which is tolerable at 20-something, ridiculous at 30-something, and just plain pathetic after that. Link to post Share on other sites
Asafan Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 -- if you don't learn NOW how to deal with things and accept the reality of your life, then you may be stuck as an emotional teenager for the rest of your life. Which is tolerable at 20-something, ridiculous at 30-something, and just plain pathetic after that. I am always amazed at the depth of your wisdom B.O. I have been lurking here a long time and have read many of your posts. You always seem to hit the nail on the head. That said, do you think it is possible that if a boy were molested by a woman at a very early age, say 5-6 that he would be stuck at that emotional age level? And do you think he would ever be able to change this. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I agree with the others. This is dead end relationship and pretty much always has been. Not sure what your laws are in your state, and even though you are 23 now, when you were 15 and he was 20 he was dating/sleeping with a minor, he ovbiously didn't care and neither did you. I say YES get into some counseling to try and figure out why you feel the need to sleep with others. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 That said, do you think it is possible that if a boy were molested by a woman at a very early age, say 5-6 that he would be stuck at that emotional age level? And do you think he would ever be able to change this. I wish you had PMs! IME from this situaiton, reversed, there's a tendency to be partially emotionally stunted. I think it takes a lot of effort, reflection, and self awareness, but I think that you can help the stunted parts play catch up. The best tool I have found is the stream of consciousness journal, where you journal without worrying about syntax or sentence structure, in various emotional states. Then, when you review the text later, it's easier to see the expression of those stunted emotions. This is JMO, but I learned this from one of my earlier therapists and it has been a great tool to implement. I found this info, too... More recent studies indicate that sexual abuse in children can lead to the overexitation of an undeveloped limbic system[1]. This could explain the problems sexual abuse victims have with regulation of mood and other limbic functions, especially as exhibited in borderline personality disorder. Other studies also indicate sexual abuse can lead to temporal lobe epilepsy, damage to the cerebellar vermis, along with reduced size of the corpus callosum. [2] Link to post Share on other sites
Asafan Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I wish I had PMs too. Guess I haven't been a member long enough. Any idea how long it takes. I would love to pick your brain on this topic more. Thanks for the info though It has been very hard finding info on boys molested by women. Either no one reports or it is very rare or both. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 And isnt that special? to let us all know how sorry she is, she took the name "guilty girl" anyways, im gonna go with "selfish slut". People these days, just sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted July 2, 2006 Share Posted July 2, 2006 If they do split up as long as the child still knows that s/he is loved i dont see why it would mess the child up.Both parents would still love the child just as much.Just because the two parents are not in love anymore that doesnt mean that the child isnt loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Computer Posted July 2, 2006 Share Posted July 2, 2006 Hi, First of all, I honestly think you went into a serious relationship at a very young age. Maybe now you'll understand that teens tend to be fickle and overrate their feelings. And I honestly don't think you were EVER in love to begin with - I mean, if you can define what love really is. But the only thing you can do at this point is tell him the truth. I'm sure he will opt out of the relationship if he has a brain. But in any scenario you shouldn't end up with him because you've put this guy through enough. You don't think that's enough of a reason? Well, you DON'T love him!! What more can I say? I couldn't sleep being married to someone who don't love me as much as I love them. I think it's the most horrible feeling to experience in a relationship -- add to that the cheating with multiple partners over a four year period! So leave him and seek some PROFESSIONAL help! I hate to be so blunt.... but there's no lighter way to put it. You don't respect him or yourself to be with him. If you don't respect YOURSELF, it's not a good idea to be with anyone at all. So seek counsiling and whatever it is you may need. In a best case scenario, you'll get the help you need with another shot for a healthy relationship. Worst case: you'll end up with an STD (maybe AIDS) and pass it on to yet another person who will kill you for giving it to them! People don't play around about their health. I just so happen to an easy going person and it take ALOT to even make me mad! But only GOD knows what I would do to a woman if she gave me a disease... I think you get my drift... ______________________________ There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't... ~Anonymous [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 The OP is sincerely asking for advice, so I'm very disappointed by those who have responded with taunts and name calling. Yes, guilty, there are problems in your life that you would benefit from fixing. So would your child. The problems that I see are: #1 Your fundamental relationship began in an illicit way - your bf was an adult and you were a minor. At that age, 5 years makes a HUGE difference in savviness, decision-making etc. I'm guessing you never really had a chance to experience life and get to know other boys/men before you became tied to your male partner. Like b.o. says, you skipped a few stages in development #2 You are engaging in ill-advised sexual relationships and/or acts that leave you feeling guilty In my opinion, #1, and the factors that led to #1, have played a big part in leading to #2. I can elaborate on this idea if you like. You would benefit from counseling, to help you understand your r/s with your bf and determine whether to continue or end it, and also to help you control your sexual behavior so that it is in line with your choices for yourself and your child. I would also like to see you with a mentor or life coach who can listen to your thoughts and talk with you about life, relationships etc. Please keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 The OP is sincerely asking for advice, so I'm very disappointed by those who have responded with taunts and name calling. Me too! Since I've had a BF from age 15.5. until 22, I can see clearly what's going on. I thought I loved the BF, but actually I hated him. I was sick of him. I really, really felt love while we were together and thought we fought all the time only because he pissed me off. The truth is: he was soooo dumb, high-school drop-out, low-class, sexist, lazy, non-ambitious, materialistic, stubborn, retarded, selfish ass that I can't believe I could stay with him for 6 years plus one year of causal sex. I wasn't aware of any of these faults of his until I met my next BF, who btw became my husband. I cheated on him twice. Actually once was during the couple years when he was using me for sex. He was straightforward about it, was seeing me once a week in silence and after the sex, he would walk me to the nearest bus station to send me home alone at 11 pm. He knew I loved him, but he was cold to me. I was only 15-17. After that period he SUDDENLY started talking about my rich step-father (the one who molested me and the BF knew about it), admiring his wealth, etc. The step-monster was not really wealthy, but the BF wanted to replace his CEO position some day and talked openly about it. Naturally a proposal for marriage followed on my 21st birthday. We moved in together and a few months later I felt sick of him and dumped him. The next time I cheated on him was when I was 19. Actually I started a relationship with this new guy and simply stopped seeing the BF and sleeping with him, but it turned out the new guy was married so I returned to the BF, but didn't sleep with him during those two weeks while the "affair" lasted. So as OP said, she is not in love with her BF and lives a single woman's life. IMHO, they should split and she should be happy in love and let him be happy too. I think it's pointless to judge her and spill these moral preachers here... come on, people, I mean, get over it already! Saints! Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend since I was fifteen years old and he was twenty. He was my first boyfriend and sex partner. I’m now twenty three and have been living with him since I was seventeen. I have been unfaithful for the past four years of are relationship with many partners. I was deeply in love with him and faithful our first four years together. Once I started cheating, I have not been able to stop for lack of willpower or for some other reason. We’re still together and probably wouldn’t be if it weren’t for are 1 ½ year old son that brought us much closer when he was born. But only two months after he was born I began cheating on him again with an old lover. I have been able to stay faithful to him for many months to over a year at a time. I now met someone at work two months who I like a lot (starting to fall for) and that I seem to be very compatible with and have already slept with. It’s not just sex with the guy from work; we have a lot in common and can talk for hours. I still love my bf but, I’m not sure that I’m “in love,” with him. Lately I’ve been thinking of leaving him but don’t because I’m really not sure what to do and I don’t want to break up our family. My questions are, Should I tell him the truth about meeting someone at work. Should I stop seeing the guy at work even though I really like him? Am I just being self indulgent and selfish? Should I seek therapy? What I really need is some good advice that I probably don’t want to hear. I feel like a big sex addict sometimes. I do know what I’m doing is very wrong. Please help. I cannot understand the hide of some people nowdays... The amount of posts I've read on here where people are so calm and relaxed talking about it, as if they've done nothing wrong. "I do know what I'm doing is very wrong"...uh, why are you doing it?? And there's no point using the lame excuse that you have a lacking in willpower. Pfft, pa-lease. You seem to not realise that you are hurting everyone else but yourself? Oh that's right, cos it's all about you. Your poor poor son and boyfriend. You say that your son brought you both closer together, then within 2 months you started cheating again. Don't kid yourself, mate, you don't love this guy. And you obviously don't love your kid either. No decent mother goes off and cheats. ARGH!!!! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DOTHAT??? It's so sad to think how this relationship is going to work out. First of all, you were waaay too young for him....5 yrs IS a huge gap, especially at that age. You had no idea what you were doing and just stayed with him cos you THOUGHT you loved him...don't just stay with someone for the hell of it. It's not healthy. Secondly, it's not possible for you to be falling for a work mate, as well as still loving your LOYAL bf. You either love your family, or some work mate, it can get quite confusing when there's too many in the picture. If you had a healthy relationship with this guy, you would tell him the truth before it's too late...actually, it probably is. But he deserves to know seeing as he's stayed faithful to you for these yrs. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve to be a mother. You don't even know what love is. Don't claim you do....your just pathetic. Let your bf decide what he wants, but if he's smart enough, he won't be hanging around for too long. Don't get caught up in one of these relationships again, you'll just end up breaking more hearts. Now get off the computer and instead of questioning what to do, just do it! Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Since I've had a BF from age 15.5. until 22, I can see clearly what's going on. I thought I loved the BF, but actually I hated him. I was sick of him. I really, really felt love while we were together and thought we fought all the time only because he pissed me off. The truth is: he was soooo dumb, high-school drop-out, low-class, sexist, lazy, non-ambitious, materialistic, stubborn, retarded, selfish ass that I can't believe I could stay with him for 6 years plus one year of causal sex. Wow, RP! You are one very, very special girl! You know why? This shows me how smart you really are! Thanks for sharing your story. I looove smart women! Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I cannot understand the hide of some people nowdays... And you are posting because...?? You don't have any advice or support for the OP. Really, is it really necessary to show your ignorant, imature side on someone else's thread as well?? :sick: Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 In my opinion, #1, and the factors that led to #1, have played a big part in leading to #2. My thoughts exactly. A lot of people are getting upset at you for the bf's sake, but I hesitate to stick up for a guy who was dating a 15 year old kid when he was 20. GG, I suggest you end your relationship, stop seeing the guy at work, get some counseling, and figure out who you are and do some growing up before you get into another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 And you are posting because...?? You don't have any advice or support for the OP. Really, is it really necessary to show your ignorant, imature side on someone else's thread as well?? :sick: Excuse me?? Why are you being the way you are towards me? I've done NOTHING directly towards you for you to have anything like that to say to me. Please leave out your ignorance for someone who CARES! This is a free country, mate, you have NO right to sit there and tell me which threads I can and can't post in. Run along! Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Don't kid yourself, mate, you don't love this guy. And you obviously don't love your kid either. No decent mother goes off and cheats. ARGH!!!! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DOTHAT??? It's so sad to think how this relationship is going to work out. Just because shes cheated it doesnt mean that she doesnt love her kid i think its a bit unfair to say shes not a decent mother. Link to post Share on other sites
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