Me and my girl...

[Ian]

broke up in september. My birthday to be exact, and to get technical, she dumped me because she didn't take the relationship as seriously as I did. We had been going out for more or less since April. Also, she admitted that she did not like the prospect of having a long-distance relationship, as I am now in my first semester in college, two hours away from her (she's a senior in high school). I respected these reasons, and though hurt by the breakup, I sought to remain close friends with her.

 

So far, I still talk to her on a regular basis, besides a two-and-a-half week period of no communication that I called for immediately after I got dumped, so as to get her out of my system, if you know what i mean. I have had a couple casual relationships since breaking up with her, but none of these went anywhere (which is fine by me). The point of all this backround information is that i'm still very much in love with this girl, and I feel it getting stronger with each passing week.

 

I am only eighteen, but I have had many relationships, both in depth and in quantity. My ex is a wonderful girl, and I have much respect for her, but I think that she is too immature for a serious relationship, just because of a lack of experience. Problem is, I'm still crazily in love with this chick. Here's the kicker... I'm home for thanksgiving break, and she seems to be alot more.. affectionate as of late, in ways that I haven't seen since we were going out, not that long ago. What should I do? I was thinking about talking to her about starting it up again, something that I would really like to do.. but I also have strong feelings toward leaving it all behind, and settling for an uncomfortable friendship, to save myself from further anguish. I would love to hear anybody's take on the situation, and any suggestions as to where I should go from here would be greatly appreciated. This was my most significant relationship, and I would have done anything for this girl.. and I'm sure that I feel the same way now. Thanks in advance for any responses, and I apologize for taking a damn long time in telling you all that I have to say. Gracias.

 

Peace... Ian

[Tony T]

You call her too immature for a relationship? UH?

 

This girl broke up with you because you were more serious about the relationship that she was. That was mature, honest and courageous on her part. She gets an "A" for maturity there.

 

This girl did not like the prospect of a long distance relationship with you once you got to college. That was mature, honest, courageous, insightful and, relative to a lot of other people, damned close to genius. I give her an "A" for that position plus 1000 extra gold points.

 

You're the one who can't seem to get the message. She is being nice to you when she sees you because she likes you...she likes you enough to be mature, honest and courageous in her dealings with you. Don't get the idea that she's leading you on or trying to get something started with you because in her mind she's made it abundantly clear that this deal is nada, over, zero, done for, over and out. She just wants to be friendly and in her mind you have accepted her feelings as a gentleman. Don't let her know any differently unless you want to lose her friendship...or really complicate things.

 

So don't call her immature. Work on yourself and start seeing reality for the way it is. You would be best served by finding yourself a nice lady right there at your college who won't be moving or graduating for a while.

 

Maybe in a few years you will reach the level of maturity that your lady friend has achieved. She's a real catch and hopefully you'll have a chance with her after you graduate if she's still available and you move back to her town.

[Ian]

Oh well, I suppose I should have expected a response like this. I appreciate your advice, or rather, your point of view. I suppose i'm just a lovesick fool, but on the other hand...

 

She IS a mature girl, but she doesn't understand a serious relationship. In that way she is immature. I should have at least changed the word "immature" for something else to avoid miscontruing what I meant, which obviously happened. Nevermind.. i'll keep my problems to myself.

[Left hangin]

way to go Tony

 

Dude, you obviously care about this girl and she cares about you. If you start things back up again, what makes you think she's not going to have the same problems as before?

 

I think if you start things up again, you're just going to get hurt AGAIN.

[Miss Mojo]

hi ian,

 

despite the fact that you still love this girl (it is *totally* normal to feel that way even after you have split up), most of your post seems to indicate numerous reasons why things wouldn't work out.

 

a) she doesn't want a long-distance relationship;

 

b) she didn't take the relationship as seriously as you did;

 

c) she's too immature for a serious relationship;

 

d) she's been showing a lot of affection towards you *after* the break-up (now that is hardly fair. it's quite slack to be honest).

 

e) you have strong feelings about leaving it all behind (by the way, you don't only have the option of settling for 'an uncomfortable friendship'...you can settle for *no* friendship. trust me, i'm 25, i've been in your shoes and maintaining a friendship serves no useful purpose unless you enjoy having your heart ripped out via your butt).

 

this may have been your most significant relationship, but look at all the things you have going against trying to win her back. i fully understand that you feel you are falling more in love with her, but i'd go so far as to say it's not that you're falling more in love with her, but missing her so much and missing what you're used to. it is very painful and you find yourself thinking of them and wanting them more. break-ups can bring about some very powerful emotions.

 

again, it may have been your most significant relationship to date, but it certainly won't be your last. you are 18 years old. you are intelligent. you seem to know how to treat a girl with respect. you sound like you have a lot going for you.

 

accept that you broke up for a very good reason and give yourself time to get over her before you move on. i know it's no picnic in the park feeling this way, but believe me, you are bound to find another girl that you find you will click with more than your ex. i know that right now you probably don't feel that would be possible but TRUST ME...it certainly is!

 

best wishes

[Ian]

Thanks for all the advice everybody. It is much appreciated, just to get an objective point of view when its hard to see it any way but your own, at times like this. I know that you are right, that perhaps i'm not falling further in love with my ex, but that i'm just missing what we had just a few months ago, and that will never be the same no matter what, so why get messed up over it? There's no good reason...

 

As a matter of fact, a LARGE group of my high school friends went to a football game, and, of course, my ex and her friends came too. I tried talking to her a few times, just to be polite, but she pretty much ignored and avoided me the whole time. I didn't let it bother me, and had a good time with my friends. If she acts like this, then I don't want to continue having a friendship with her. I leave it up to her to come to me if she wants that, and prove it to me.

 

Thanks again for all the help.

 

Ian

[sparkle]

I agree with what Tony and Miss Mojo had to say, and I'm glad you considered their advice.

 

Everytime you start thinking of wanting to be with her again, remind yourself of what you just said: "...but that i'm just missing what we had just a few months ago, and that will never be the same no matter what, so why get messed up over it? There's no good reason..."

 

And then remind yourself of how she ignored and avoided you...and you'll focus less on how much you liked her...etc. I know you wouldn't want to get back together anyway with a girl that's ignoring you...right?

 

Good luck!