Complicated Situation, GF Cheated w/ Best Friend

[tml057]

I want to apologize first, as I know you all probably get a lot of first time people with problems and never hear from them again afterwords. I actually frequent a few forums, but both my g/f and best friend often read those as well. I've never been a vindicative person, so I wanted to seek other opinions, as well as leave everyone's "dignity" in tact, despite my desire to ruin both of their lives right now.

 

So if I do this, I want to apologize now since you may not hear from me again.

 

I found out this morning that my current (soon to be ex) girlfriend had given oral sex to my best friend (of many years) shortly after we started dating. Now it's been nearly 7 months, and the truth is coming to light. Here's the skinny on both of them and my involvement with them:

 

Best Friend: Known him for about 4-6 years. He is married, but not happily (obviously). He has helped me immensely in the past with moving, working on getting a car restored, and has always been there when I needed a friend. In fact, right now I still have a vehicle of mine at his house that is not yet running.

 

He is also an a**h***. I'm not saying that because of what has happened. I've told anyone I've ever met that has asked that he was an a**h***. I guess I was setting myself up for this.

 

Girlfriend: Met her through the aforementioned friend. I was looking for someone to just date casually as I just recently ended a 4.5 year relationship. Ended up liking the girl, and as I just recently moved to a new town, it was nice to spend time with someone.

She's much younger than I, and had trouble in college her first year. Basically, like most freshman, she obtained freedom and didn't know how to handle it. I looked past much of her immaturity, but it did get to me sometimes.

 

The relationship seemed to be good, but moving a little fast IMO. I dont think I was ready to say "I love you," but I did anyways. I also gave her a key to my apartment, but never really stated that it wasn't an open invitation to move in. Well a few months later, it seems like that's what happened.

 

Lately I've been questioning the relationship, mainly due to everything above (sans the cheating). But the time we spent together was usually great. We just took a trip to Texas together, and had a blast. I told myseld that the trip would pretty much make or break things, and while it didn't do that, it did give me confidence that things were going good and breaking up would have been stupid at that point.

 

 

 

So there's the background. Here's the fun part .

 

I wake up this morning and check the computer. She was receiving a file from her friend, and I checked out her convo. I didn't go through any extreme lengths to find information and I had no suspiciouns on anything, so this was me just being nosy. I read through and found that she told this non biased friend that she cheated on me with my best friend. She didn't have intercourse, but did go down on in front of my apartment.

 

Now I've been talking to her and him throughout the day. He's all but denying anything. Claiming he doesn't remember and questioning me as to why he would. Basically, IMO, trying to figure out if I know as much as I do and whether he can create doubt in my head (it's working).

BUT she basically told me exactly what happened (from what she remembers). In fact, I'll post what she said:

 

"he was flirting with me in walmart and i didnt think much of it, when we left, he rubbed my leg in the car and we got onto the topic of sex (not with eachother, just in general)...i pulled into a parking spot here and we continued to talk and he made a move and kissed me....i was surprised and tried to pull away, but didnt...he unbuttoned his pants and it happened....i didnt finish him off....i stopped and then ran back inside, scrubbed my teeth, and then laid next to you and held onto you tight....i was almost in tears there"

 

That was very rough for me to read, but I asked for it because I want to know why the hell my friend has developed sudden amnesia.

 

 

 

Anyways, I guess the point of this was mainly to get this off my chest. This girl seemed to fall hard for me, and I have no doubt that she is regretting every millisecond of what happened.

 

I'm just... I dont know... I dont even know why I posted this....

 

 

I just feel.......... dead inside?

[arthur200]

Ouch. I feel your pain there. A double detrayal. Do you have any other friends "out of the loop" that you can talk to / get support from.?

 

There's another great forum specifically for this kind of thing http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp that really helped me out a lot in a similar situation from my past.

 

Remember that this may be a sign of things to come.

[Cecelius]

Of course you feel dead -- that's your manly instinct shutting you down from this betrayal.

 

I read your post and see that you are not in love with the girl, are overlooking some turnoffs, and are very casual with her anyway.

 

Why would you stick around with her?

 

Kick her to the curb -- mind you, she NEEDS you to forgive her not because she wants you, but because being forgiven helps her from feeling as skanky as she does.

[tml057]

Thanks for the link arthur.

 

I do have other friends to talk to, but I dont like going to them without know what is the full story. My friend is still saying he doesn't remember it, and the guy's never given me a reason to doubt anything he has said.

 

But the GF obviously seems to remember.

 

And I'm pretty sure this is it. I have always tried to stick to my morals, so I don't see us together.

 

As hard as it has been, I've been talking to both of them throughout the day. Her stuff is already packed up and regardless of what comes next, I'll be getting my apartment back and wont be rushing into anything again.

 

I'm realizing that I dont have many close friends in this area. That's one thing that really sucks right now.

[Cecelius]

nah, this is your get out of jail free card. You can do anything you want.

 

First, stop talking to them and don't date for a while. The more you talk to her, the more the offense will start to blend in with the rest of her and you'll start trying to envision a "whole package" of her that "isn't that bad." Then remember that she had your boddy's shlong in her mouth ... for what?

 

Second, remember that girls under 25 are basically not relationship material except in extreme cases.

 

Third, start working out and doing constructive, rebuilding things.

 

Fourth, realize that no man should be brought this low by a dumb college girl. Shake her off like she was yesterday's dust.

[Bryanp]

I feel for you. Your ex apparently did not have the mind set after he kissed her to tell him to stop. Instead she goes down on him? What is wrong with this picture? Your ex girlfriend knows you are in your apartment waiting for her so she gives him a blowjob in the car in front of your apartment and then goes running into your bed to lay down next to you? She is a real piece of work. By the way I doubt she told you the whole story. They always try to put a spin on it. How nice she did not have any problem doing this with your best friend in front of your place. Walk away and don't look back.

 

Your friend is an a**h***. I would contact his wife and tell him what a cheater he is.

[Spectre]

Theres nothing complicated here, dump the whore, move on with life..

 

and damn, just when you think you've read it all, you read about a chick blowin her bf's best friend in front of his apartment. and then she had the balls to cry about it and act like it was forced? right..

[tml057]

Girls been dumped, and the majority of her belongings are out of my apartment already. I'll be going to get the rest of my stuff from her place tomorrow, maybe tonight even.

 

 

The "Friend" is still claiming he doesn't remember. My question is why the hell would she make this up? She gains nothing, and she was never intending on me seeing the message. She's also had a few emotional breakdowns today, and even admits to doing this. There is no point in her making up this story.

 

The difficult situation that I must have left out earlier, is that the "friend" still has my vehicle at his place, and it is unable to move in it's current state. He also has my tools. So, I need to approach this cautiously with him so that I can still manage to get my s*** out of his place.

[Spectre]

He has your tools? Well, atleast you got something to bitch slap him with

 

anyways, maybe..just maybe your gf made it up to get you to dump her? dunno

 

you could also rub it in your gf's face, saying how she cheated and it was so uneventful for the guy he doesnt even remember. *shrug* yeah..

[Galaxy]

Stop calling him your "friend". He's no good; you should get rid of him just as quickly as your girlfriend. If they both don't have an ounce of dignity, self-respect, loyalty, self-esteem or restraint, why do you NEED THEM? And stop trying to worry about why your "friend" is still lying!!! LYING is what people do to avoid consequences and no matter what, you might never get the truth out of him. So dump them both already!

 

You found the info in her email so it is a good chance she is definitely not lying to her friends, so I would just take her word for it.

 

BTW, WTF was she doing in your friends car to begin with???? WTF! SHE WAS ASKING FOR HIM TO CHEAT PRACTICALLY! SHE KNEW WHERE IT WAS LEADING AND SO DID HE!

 

Oh and btw, tell his wife. Good way to get back at him and plus finally let the good wife learn about his cheating whorish ways.

[tml057]

OK more developments in the situation.

 

"Friend" Is still saying he doesn't remember it. I know he was drinking that weeked, but he always boasts about remembering even when hes drinking so I'm not buying his s***. I've decided not talk to him about it again until I see him in person (after my s*** is secure). Then he can lie to me face to face and I won't have to deal with him anymore.

 

Now, I sat and talked with the ex when she came over to get the remainder of her stuff. We talked for a while, and she describe the situation.

 

They went for a ride to Walmart out of boredom. On the way home, just before the turn to my apartment complex, he put his hand on her lap (she drove her car). They parked in a space near my complex and talked for a few seconds. She says that when she turned to look at him, he forced himself on her with the kiss. She pulled away and he went back in, apparantly by then undoing his fly and had his junk out. Then pushed her neck down to his crotch. She said she freaked out after a second and ran inside.

She claims she did not tell me because the relationship was still new, and she was scared I wouldn't believe her (i did not mention that she was raped in the past, and nothing ever happened to the a**h*** who did it- could have made her gunshy here).

 

I looked into her eyes the entire time she told the story, and she didn't look away. She wasn't fidgity, moving around, or anything. Coupled with the "friend" who doesn't remember, I now have to decide whether this is the truth, or if she said this knowing the friend would never come clean so this is her shot to get back into my life.

 

 

I dont know what to do. I went up to her place to gather the rest of my stuff. She has a few things here yet as well. We talked more but nothing was different than last night's talk.

 

 

 

Now I'm lost. I'd kill for this to go away. But I want to know one thing: The truth

[tml057]

Stop calling him your "friend". He's no good; you should get rid of him just as quickly as your girlfriend. If they both don't have an ounce of dignity, self-respect, loyalty, self-esteem or restraint, why do you NEED THEM? And stop trying to worry about why your "friend" is still lying!!! LYING is what people do to avoid consequences and no matter what, you might never get the truth out of him. So dump them both already!

 

You found the info in her email so it is a good chance she is definitely not lying to her friends, so I would just take her word for it.

 

BTW, WTF was she doing in your friends car to begin with???? WTF! SHE WAS ASKING FOR HIM TO CHEAT PRACTICALLY! SHE KNEW WHERE IT WAS LEADING AND SO DID HE!

 

Oh and btw, tell his wife. Good way to get back at him and plus finally let the good wife learn about his cheating whorish ways.

 

 

Once I secure my belongings, I'll have a talk with him.

 

The info was in an AOL conversation with one of her best friends (the only one that knows me). I agree in that I dont think she was lying about the situation. But she didn't go into details with him.

 

The two were actually (internet) friends beforehand. He introduced me to her in fact. However, to show how much of a scumbag he is, he was flirting with her online and trying to get "pictures" before telling her he was married.

 

I want to tell his wife, but this is a delicate situation and I dont want anything bad to happen to her if she accuses him. He lives a few hours away as well, so it's not just like I can go over there when she does.

[Guest]

So she's slowly changing her story, trying to massage it so she doesn't have to face the consequences of her actions. She's a liar. She's lied to you for months until you finally caught her. Oh wait, you looked into her eyes. Who do you think you are, freaking Christopher Walken in True Romance? Was your father the world champion of Sicilian liars too?

 

Did she tell her friend it was assault/rape? No, she said she CHEATED ON YOU. And I would be willing to bet there's more to it than you know, considering what a heinous liar she is to practically accuse your 'friend' of assault just trying to cover her own ass.

 

Call this one quits and count yourself lucky.

[Computer]

So she's slowly changing her story, trying to massage it so she doesn't have to face the consequences of her actions. She's a liar. She's lied to you for months until you finally caught her. Oh wait, you looked into her eyes. Who do you think you are, freaking Christopher Walken in True Romance? Was your father the world champion of Sicilian liars too?

 

Did she tell her friend it was assault/rape? No, she said she CHEATED ON YOU. And I would be willing to bet there's more to it than you know, considering what a heinous liar she is to practically accuse your 'friend' of assault just trying to cover her own ass.

 

Call this one quits and count yourself lucky.

 

Well put, Guest. She's a goner, man. And you really should consider yourself lucky. Just think if you had actually developed serious feeling for her; or even fell in love! In such a situation, you wouldn't be able to just get up and leave just from receiving our mere advice. In fact, you'd probably try and work with her and probably believe that she was raped by your best friend!!! So do you see the difference between being in love and the casual feelings you have for her. You just don't know how easy you have it. I mean, you should read some of the other posts on this site. There are people who have it so much harder than you because they were in love or married to their problem (their mate). Get my drift?

 

________________________

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[tml057]

I did develop feelings for the girl. We spend almost every day together since December. It's also somewhat tough because I had just moved into town and she was the first person I connected with. Anyone since then has been a mutual friend.

 

And the friend was one of the few people I could count on no matter what.

I'm aware how the story seems to have changed. I did find out however (from the friend that she told this too) that her story to him was the same as what she told me later that night.

I'm also aware of what she could be trying to achieve by changing her story.

 

I'm not saying that I have it harder than anyone ever has.

 

But if you've been in this situation before you would know that it's a lot easier said than done. There's a conflict between your mind and your heart. You have to decide what to believe.

[tml057]

ok... tonight was a night that I could never have imagined. And I know some of you may still call bulls***, but please think this through before hand. I found most of this information myself, and did not give the ex a hint of what was going on or what I knew.

 

I always suspected that he cheated on his wife. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. My mistake.

There was a girl he introduced me to that I fooled around with before meeting my ex SO. Well she (my ex) mentioned the guy had a f&$%buddy. I asked her the name, and it was the same as the one he introduced me to before introducing me to my ex. My SO has never known about this person or my involvement. My ex said the "friend" (who shall now be referred to as POS) claimed he tried to hook her and I up, but nothing ever happened. So he instead took his turn. (I came clean about my involvement the POS's f&$%buddy, for anyone who wondered.)

POS also attempted to talk to my ex while we were still dating. She said she it seemed innocent and never suspected he would pull this s*** on his best friend. Now I questioned this for a minute, but here's where s*** gets twisted.

I talked to my mom later on, and after a while she mentioned the POS had talked to my SISTER (YES, YOU READ RIGHT, my SISTER) a few times, but never really told her what happened. I asked to speak to my sister right away. She confirmed it, and told me the exact same thing that my ex did. Apparantely the POS had tried to pursuede them into giving him pictures on multiple occasions, and threatened to tell me about things if they didn't comply.

The didn't comply, and obviously I never was told anything.

 

Now before this, I was going to give him plenty of opportunity to tell his wife. Now I'm going to sit there for a minute and wait for him to do it. If he doesnt, I will. This is it. He crossed too many lines, and it will take an act of god to keep me from beating the ever living crap out of him.

He tried to get away with too much. He tried to take advantage of our friendship. He took advantage of his wife.

Now he get's what's coming to him. I hope he enjoys living on his own without his wife's job paying for his living arrangements (She's enlisted in the military, to clear up that a bit more).