Girlfriend tells me she needs space

[westernxer]

Thanks for your reply. The card is very generic and has no emotion other than wishing a happy birthday.

 

Don't even send her the card. Write what you'd say to her, then send it to yourself.

[onmyownagain]

I think you are scared that not giving the card will make her not like you any more, but don't forget you have split up now.

 

I think not sending the card will have more impact, she will be expecting it and when it doesn't turn up she will think you are moving on and this will scare her.

[wintercs]

Hey thanks a lot LB for all of your help. It has really helped me put things into perspective, especially at a time when my head is play games with me.

 

The card is sent and it's basically the type of $2.50 card that you could send to your next door neighbor - it's a little funny in a dorky way without any emotion. I wrote a small note wishing her a happy bday and that's it. I'm still her friend and I still care about her and so I'm willing to lose the 0.03% of dignity that maybe I lost by sending a card.

 

I'm personally very doubtful that she'll even call, but I appreciate the gameplan that you've given me. Here's my practice:

 

Her: "I miss you"

 

Me: "I understand that you miss me, but I want to respect your need for space because so maybe we should try to talk about something else right now. I want to be here for you as a friend, but as long as you need space from me and our relationship, I think it's probably best to keep things on a friendly level until you feel less confused and not needing space. I'm not trying to be difficult, I am just respecting your need for space right now.

[westernxer]

I'm personally very doubtful that she'll even call...

 

Hope it's not a wasted effort then.

[Diver012]

Some of the people here fail to remember that many ex's get back together after a while. My little sister and her boyfriend broke up for a year and a half and dated other people. Now they're married. Even spouses get divorced and get remarried.

 

It's not always final. Sometimes needing space just means wanting to look around for greener pastures. When there are no greener pastures, they'll come back home.

 

Point being that they went on to other things. They dropped it and moved on. Now they are married. Thats a wonderful thing. I am not one to sit around and wait for an Ex to come back. I set them free so long bye bye.

[wintercs]

Well here's the latest -

 

Today (Wednesday) she IMed me and thanked me for the birthday card she had received that day. It accidentally got there a day early...dammit.

 

Anyway, we talked for a little bit about nothing in particular, she asked how I was doing, I said "I'm doing well" and she said she was doing pretty good.

 

There was no discussion of anything substantial regarding our relationship and the conversation didn't really go anywhere. Then I told her that I had to get going - but didn't put up an away message or sign off...on purpose.

 

I'm wondering what any of this means, if it means anything at all. I can now rule out receiving any sort of phone call anytime soon based on the fact that she already thanked me.

 

I've been holding up pretty well through all of this and haven't let my emotions get the better of me. However, just in talking to her I could feel my emotions come back. This sucks...

[LucreziaBorgia]

However, just in talking to her I could feel my emotions come back. This sucks...

 

That's why they say "no new contacts = no new hurts".

[westernxer]

This sucks...

 

Told you not to send that card.

[gfto]

I'm wondering what any of this means, if it means anything at all.

 

nothing. she simply thanked you for a birthday card, as most people do.

[wintercs]

Thanks for your responses.

 

New info - around midnight tonight (which coincidentally was the early start to her bday) I logged on to gmail to check my email. I saw she was logged into gmail chat, too (if you don't have gmail, in the actual gmail module is an instant messenger that you can talk to your gmail contacts with). within a few minutes SHE imed me and we started to talk, telling me that she had a story that I'd love to hear. So she wrote it (it was more of a joke) and we talked further.

 

Our conversation lasted about for an hour and was light in subject. We had talked about what we did for the Fourth and just kind of made the small talk that is not uncommon for friends to make. There were two *small* pieces of the conversation that you might find interesting. I took a gamble on this one and some of you (I'm looking at you westerner and gtfo) will probably want to smack me:

 

me: haha, i gotta tell you something that you'll probably find funny[COLOR=#888888]11:47 PM [/COLOR]her: what

[COLOR=#888888]11:49 PM [/COLOR]me: one weekend (it might have bene this past, i forget) we went out hardcore and i was like let's do it up a little more baller than we normally do...french cuff shirts...so i wore my brown "pillow" shirt ....well, i received numerous comments on it from a cocktail waitress and a couple of girls at the bar and couldn't help but laugh because of how hard you laughed at it that one time

[COLOR=#888888]11:50 PM [/COLOR]her: you know my laughing isn't bad

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]just when things are different

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]me: no i know i know

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]her: it's not a very tom [not my real name, just protecting myself] shirt that's all

[COLOR=#888888]11:51 PM [/COLOR]me: no i know, and i wasn't offended, i mean if i were that offended i wouldn't have worn it out again

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]her: haha

 

 

 

I know that it's probably not wise to bring up past memories or whatever, but this wasn't anything serious, just fun...

 

Then there was this

 

[COLOR=#888888]11:55 PM [/COLOR]me: ah ok

[COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]goodnight mary [not her real name...protecting the innocent]

 

[COLOR=#888888]11:59 PM [/COLOR]her: sweeeeeeeeeeetdreams tom

 

[COLOR=#888888]12:00 AM [/COLOR]me: you too

 

before we went to bed, either in person or on the phone, we'd always say goodnight, sweet dreams, i love you. obviously, i wasn't even close to pushing the red button that is "i love you" because, frankly, i don't want to kill myself any further than i already have. I don't know what her infatuation with the eeee thing is in sweet, but whatever.

 

Overall, a much MUCH better conversation than the one I mentioned earlier.

 

Comments welcome. What do you think? What sort of strategy should I employ?

 

 

Thanks guys (and gals!)

[LucreziaBorgia]

What sort of strategy should I employ?

 

If you do not want to do 'no contact' and want to keep her in your life you will need to continue to keep it at this pace. Remember: she needs space from the love you have to offer, so you have to put your love on a very cold back burner for now. Casual friends, no mention of love or anything like that. No relationship talk of any sort. It will hurt, but if you insist on keeping contact with her you will have to endure that pain and continue to choke down your feelings and hide them from her and pretend that you are ok with being 'friends' for as long as she needs 'space'.

 

Unfortunately this could be indefinitely because by keeping contact you are enabling the situation - she gets what she wants 100% right now so she will have no reason to want to get back into the relationship she ran from, nor will she have a chance to see what it is like to miss you. Basically you are allowing yourself to be stuck in 'friend guy' limbo right now because that is what she wants from you, and you are providing it. She doesn't want a relationship with you outside of that right now. Right now she is comfortable with you in the 'friend guy' zone.

 

If you do not want to be 'friends' and it gets too much for you, consider 'no contact' to get your head and heart back together. Give her a chance to see what her life will be like without you in it and give her a chance to really think about what it is she is letting go.

 

You could say something like "I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. I am in love with you and want to be with you, but you don't want that right now and 'friends' is too painful for me. I need space of my own right now and don't think it will be a good idea to talk to you for a while (set a time limit of no less than a month) until I get my head straight again."

 

Then... cut her off. Completely. Do not contact her or accept contact from her. She wanted space, she should get the most extreme form of it. Give her a chance to miss you. Then and only then will she really consider what it is she wants from you and how much she really needs this 'space'.

[wintercs]

Thanks, Lucrezia for your reply.

 

Today is her birthday and it makes me sad because I was really hoping that I would be able to visit her this weekend to celebrate with her. She has a big weekend ahead and it saddens me that I won't be able to share in the fun with her, especially since we've had a lot of fun recently.

 

I really don't know what to do. I feel like the card I sent broke the ice and she was waiting for me to break the ice. I think that she didn't want to talk to me because she knew I was upset but that this card somehow broke that barrier. I don't know and I'm just speculating...and I'm overanalyzing.

 

Because we ended on good terms (in respect to our feelings for each other and not ending hatefully), it's hard for me to play the NC card. She's a super sweet girl and when I told her last night that I probably wasn't going to sleep well because I was sick (as in some kind of weird head cold thing...not because of her), she immediately asked what was wrong and gave me advice to feel better. Now I know this isn't some sort of awesome act or whatever, but she could have played it much cooler and didn't need to care. BTW, I didn't mean to create pity or anything like that, I was making small talk when I said it.

 

I'm going to be starting graduate school in about a month and will have almost all of my time devoted to that endeavor. If at all possible, I would like to see her one last time before that starts, but I know this is probably doubtful and I don't want to push the envelope. Of course, I would also like for her to visit but again, who knows what will happen. I just feel so lost and indecisive right now, and those are not feelings that are common to me.

[onmyownagain]

Honestly, go into strict NC now. My wife and I split for three months but until I backed off, she didn't have a chance to miss me.

 

Believe me, if you want her back you need to start playing hard to get now!

 

If this doesn't work it wasn't meant to be, believe me, if she wants you back she will let you know!

[wintercs]

I'm going to do my best to make this NC work. The trouble is, I'll see her on gmail or AIM and then she might initiate something. What am I supposed to do when she initiates?

 

Also, I don't remember if I've said this before, but this might put a new spin on things. Maybe it will, maybe it wont. Anyway, during the whole mess that was the breakup convo, she told me that she hated it when girls did this, but that she needed to "put me on hold" for the time being while she does her own thing. According to her, I'm the type of guy that fits into her long-term plan but right now, she needs to do her own thing...which I understood and told her that I supported her decision because I loved her and all that crap.

 

 

Does that change things or not?

 

Also, part of me feels like maybe I'm taking this way too hard. After all, it wasn't like we were together 5 years or whatever, more like 6 months. Plus, realistically, I knew that things would be tough being apart and with me starting school and all...but I did and do have strong feelings for this girl and there is no running away from that fact. Plus, she was up here for Memorial Day weekend and we had an absolute blast...as we were saying goodbyes when she was leaving, she could sense that I was sad that she was leaving...she told me not to worry, that things between us were "so good right now" and told me that she loved me. Well, that didn't last long, apparently, as the tides turned quickly against me.

 

I think what's making this worse is that I felt that there were so many questions left unanswered and all of this guessing is making it worse.