Struggling a little with my girlfriends past

[climbergirl]

I already read your outrageous posts. Gangbanging=experimenting=therefore OK!(it's just experimenting)

 

I kind of disagree with that.. it speaks volumes for the girl.

 

Sure she might have changed, but she also might have not.

And I'm not willing to bet a long-term relationship on it either unless I was already in love with the girl and able to get the heinous thoughts of her past out of my head.

Heck, it could only just be the tip of the iceberg? Many variables involved, but I'm thinking if she was open enough to speak about it to this man, he might have a similiar background to match in which she thought he wouldn't find it that disgusting.

I'm tired of the ridiculous excuses. All that excessive "experimenting" usually comes from internal problems.

 

I choose to concentrate on the above in bold..........and in that part, I agree. Like I mentioned before, I have dated men who have had their first 'experience' as part as a threesome and I never judged unless this is something they wanted to continue. In fact, those men never wanted to repeat that experience.

 

I won't judge them on their past as long as our values (currently) coincide.

[Galaxy]

I read my posts and yeah I was off the handle. I apologize for being too judgmental or attacking you and others after reading some of the posts. I'm still torn up after coming out of a bad breakup recently with a lying #$(#*$#)*(, with certain circumstances similiar to the posters. Ok, well I'll leave it at that. Recently someone sent me a sex tape with her in it as well from about 3 years ago with a couple men!!!! I thought it was just a rumor.. I guess not!! well that's about all I have to say right now. Small damn town and I can't wait to get out.

[climbergirl]

I read my posts and yeah I was off the handle. I apologize for being too judgmental or attacking you and others after reading some of the posts. I'm still torn up after coming out of a bad breakup recently with a lying #$(#*$#)*(, with certain circumstances similiar to the posters. Ok, well I'll leave it at that. Recently someone sent me a sex tape with her in it as well from about 3 years ago with a couple men!!!! I thought it was just a rumor.. I guess not!! well that's about all I have to say right now. Small damn town and I can't wait to get out.

 

Thank you for saying that..........

 

given your recent experience, I can understand why you were pissed.

[MarkWarner]

Morning .. s***, didnt mean to start off a big argument here. Maybe I havent expalined myself too well. I dont hate her for what she has done and I havent told her its bothering me. However it is. Im only speaking from the gut reaction that I have and that is one thats making me feel sick. Im not small or narrow minded in any way. I am friends with a couple of my partners ex's who live in the same area as me. In fact Im very good friends with one of them. Thats not an issue, we all have a past and obviously it didnt work out with them and thats why she is with me. Id like to think I have a healthy attitude towards things like this as it no longer matters. I do care for her enormously which is why Im not going to make a scene about this. Its a sickening feeling I have never had before and I dont know what to do about it. 9 hours is a long time to be involved in group sex or any sex for that matter, personally I last about 15 mins on a good day ...Is it normal for someone to feel so down about someone they care about because they did this in their past?

[Bogun]

Mark I know how you feel. An ex of mine told me early on that she had had group sex with 5 guys and 1 girl. It made me feel sick as well, and I would get images in my head about it and feel very confused about it. She didnt seem to appreciate how much it bothered me.

 

But then she told me about a year later that she had made it up because she thought it would impress me. Felt like a huge weight was lifted from me, but that sickening feeling you mention I can relate to.

 

My advice...just try to accept it and hope that she's not like that now.

[MarkWarner]

Oh no...............all that worry for nothing. I wish it were the same in my situation. Its nice to know someone has been in the same boat as me. Did it keep bugging you until she told you she had made it up or did you manage to pack the thought away?

[Nicholas]

i was leaning towards it being made up too--is there any way she was just trying to get you going?

[Cecelius]

If it's for real, then I would walk -- it's not your place to decide her ultimate fate in the world, but I'd just be too disgusted to stay with someone who could have done that.

 

If you stay with her, and these guys are still in the picture -- that's just not going to go well.

[westernxer]

Personally, I don't think I could put up with it.

 

Then again, there's a lot of things I wouldn't put up with when it comes to relationships.

[shoedevil]

It's called.....EXPERIMENTING!!

Dear God, hasn't anyone here seen 'Chasing Amy'?

Well, in this instance, "experimenting" is a euphemism for casual group sex. I suppose you can candy-coat anything (BDSM, watersports), but I don't know how many people have an "anything goes" comfort zone. I wouldn't look to a Hollywood film to find out what the ingredients are for a healthy (or long-term) relationship. The only thing I learned from 'Chasing Amy' was that men should ignore their own feelings of discomfort and uncertainty, and maybe lower their standards if necessary. I don't think that's very good advice.

And before you get your panties in a bunch, just because I'm defending certainly does not mean I have participated in above scenarios. But that's just me.

I'd never assume you did, which is great. I don't think group sex is as common as people think. Human nature tends to get in the way, sometimes. Just wondering why you find it necessary to justify other peoples' activities.

Ironically, I've dated a few men who've done both and more and never did I think "they are whores"....Actually, they were very monogomous.

I'd never label people with crude names because they do certain things I wouldn't. But I don't have to find them attractive either. There's a difference between true monogamy and serial monogamy. Did you think these guys were relationship-material? Could you see them making a life-long commitment (if that's what you were looking for)?

Also, I've known women who are now happily married who've done the same thing way in their past.

Did the issue ever come up with their spouses? Maybe their husbands didn't care because they had similar histories. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss... sometimes.

At least take some solace that she could be honest with you.

Agreed, honesty is the best policy. But because the person is honest doesn't obligate the other person to accept anything and everything. People have the freedom of choice to accept or reject somebody for any reason (even flimsy ones, though I don't think this is a superficial issue). People get turned down for dates or relationships all the time (not cute enough, not tall enough, doesn't make enough money, etc.). Why would this situation be any different?

[westernxer]

People have the freedom of choice to accept or reject somebody for any reason (even flimsy ones, though I don't think this is a superficial issue). People get turned down for dates or relationships all the time (not cute enough, not tall enough, doesn't make enough money, etc.). Why would this situation be any different?

 

Well said.

[ronnieromance]

A woman gangbangs four men for 9 hours and someone has the audacity to call it a little bit of "experimenting". Ha. Please save the bs used to divert consequences and responsibilities for behaviors.

 

 

No, she got gangbanged for 9 hours. It's all semantics at this point, but I'd put money down you have a boring sex life.

 

Is that true?

 

 

 

-R-

[ronnieromance]

I already read your outrageous posts. Gangbanging=experimenting=therefore OK!(it's just experimenting)

 

I kind of disagree with that.. it speaks volumes for the girl.

 

Sure she might have changed, but she also might have not.

And I'm not willing to bet a long-term relationship on it either unless I was already in love with the girl and able to get the heinous thoughts of her past out of my head.

Heck, it could only just be the tip of the iceberg? Many variables involved, but I'm thinking if she was open enough to speak about it to this man, he might have a similiar background to match in which she thought he wouldn't find it that disgusting.

I'm tired of the ridiculous excuses. All that excessive "experimenting" usually comes from internal problems.

 

It is experimenting and the fact that you're so uptight about about what some girl who isn't you does with her vagina speakes volumes about you. Some people are more comfortab;e exploring things. Other's are scared.

 

 

All that "excessive experimenting" many times comes from problems being worked out. Problems often caused by overbearing, overzealous, guilt tripping,repressionist, venom spewing, bible-thumping parents like you likely will be/are.

 

Better keep a tight leash on your kids when you have them. Especially the girls.

 

 

-R-

[arthur200]

Its a sickening feeling I have never had before and I dont know what to do about it.

....

...Is it normal for someone to feel so down about someone they care about because they did this in their past?

 

Hi Mark,

 

I can totall empathize with where you're coming from, I know that sickening feeling intimately. My fiancee has a "past" dotted with "experimentation". It's probably worse in that her experimentation is something i would like to have been involved with.. but that's a whole different thread.

 

You have two choices,

1) Ignore the sick feeling and hope it will go away (it won't).

2) Talk about it with your girlfriend.

 

I took the 2nd option, find out about her motivation for having group sex, find out if she misses it, find out why she told you about it.

 

My sick feeling is powered by my own insecurities, and the only way to get them in control is to get rid of any assumptions you may be making. I'm comfortable now with my fiancee's past, i still get the sick feeling when images pop into my head, but it's no longer a big issue.

 

Good luck.

[ronnieromance]

Hi Mark,

 

I can totall empathize with where you're coming from, I know that sickening feeling intimately. My fiancee has a "past" dotted with "experimentation". It's probably worse in that her experimentation is something i would like to have been involved with.. but that's a whole different thread.

 

You have two choices,

1) Ignore the sick feeling and hope it will go away (it won't).

2) Talk about it with your girlfriend.

 

I took the 2nd option, find out about her motivation for having group sex, find out if she misses it, find out why she told you about it.

 

My sick feeling is powered by my own insecurities, and the only way to get them in control is to get rid of any assumptions you may be making. I'm comfortable now with my fiancee's past, i still get the sick feeling when images pop into my head, but it's no longer a big issue.

 

Good luck.

 

I like this post. It addresses a couple of things. One, that these feelings may be largely based on insecurities...Actually, they probably are. I've been there and I know that feeling well too.

 

 

It also touches on the fact that the only way to deal with it properly is to figure out what is actually trigering the insecurity. I think this is sooo much better than a wholesale condeming of this woman. She did nothing wrong.

 

 

-R-

[MarkWarner]

Thanks guys/gals, im getting some diverse angles on this but its sort of helped me to take my mind off things. Just want to get things straight, I love her loads, would never for one second make her feel bad about it, think its a situation she got herself into and she had the tits to tell me about it. That makes me feel good. Im no sucker for not walking, I genuinely do feel good she could tell me. Still hurts though, been trying to work out what hurts and of course its the image of four blokes 'enjoying' my girl and her 'enjoying' them. 9 hours is a long time to be making the beast with 2 backs (or 5 backs in this case). If she hadnt enjoyed it she wouldnt have put up with it for that long. Im not stupid. I wish she hadnt told me, I didnt ask her, it just came up. Would I have sex with four girls at once? I dont know, opportunity has never come up. Would she feel what Im feeling now if I did? I dont know.

 

Im not insecure, I think its cos I care that it hurts. That fact that some guys would use her for their needs and she would let them is the crunch. I like this girl, love this girl. Im not leaving her and im not going to toast her over it. Some mental map blocking techniques would be great if anyone has any...

[climbergirl]

Well, in this instance, "experimenting" is a euphemism for casual group sex. I suppose you can candy-coat anything (BDSM, watersports), but I don't know how many people have an "anything goes" comfort zone. I wouldn't look to a Hollywood film to find out what the ingredients are for a healthy (or long-term) relationship. The only thing I learned from 'Chasing Amy' was that men should ignore their own feelings of discomfort and uncertainty, and maybe lower their standards if necessary. I don't think that's very good advice.

 

 

Experimenting is still experimenting, regardless of what label you place on the act. Just because I wouldn't do it, doesn't mean that I will condemn her (or her partner as he was an active participant)--I have no idea if it was a one time thing, and something she now regrets and feels ashamed of. The OP didn't give a clear picture on if she felt it was OK or something she would repeat.

 

And, please, ya gotta lighten up on the movie bit. I was saying it to be a smart a$$ and add levity. Clearly didn't work.

 

 

I'd never assume you did, which is great. I don't think group sex is as common as people think. Human nature tends to get in the way, sometimes. Just wondering why you find it necessary to justify other peoples' activities.

 

They were consenting adults, that's why. And I also know that if the situation was reversed (girl complaining that her current BF had sex with 3 women) the posts would be waaay different.

 

I'd never label people with crude names because they do certain things I wouldn't. But I don't have to find them attractive either. There's a difference between true monogamy and serial monogamy. Did you think these guys were relationship-material? Could you see them making a life-long commitment (if that's what you were looking for)?

 

(these guys I dated) First off, two of them had a threesome as their first sexual experience. And both regretted it. It never occured to me to not continue w/a relationship with them given that info-however, we are older (30's/40's) and their 'first time' was quite a while ago.

 

 

Did the issue ever come up with their spouses? Maybe their husbands didn't care because they had similar histories. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss... sometimes.

 

That I don't know (if they told their spouses).

 

Agreed, honesty is the best policy. But because the person is honest doesn't obligate the other person to accept anything and everything. People have the freedom of choice to accept or reject somebody for any reason (even flimsy ones, though I don't think this is a superficial issue). People get turned down for dates or relationships all the time (not cute enough, not tall enough, doesn't make enough money, etc.). Why would this situation be any different?

 

I agree. But the OP was trying to find a way to accept her past choices, so that was the angle I was coming from.

[climbergirl]

Thanks guys/gals, im getting some diverse angles on this but its sort of helped me to take my mind off things. Just want to get things straight, I love her loads, would never for one second make her feel bad about it, think its a situation she got herself into and she had the tits to tell me about it. That makes me feel good. Im no sucker for not walking, I genuinely do feel good she could tell me. Still hurts though, been trying to work out what hurts and of course its the image of four blokes 'enjoying' my girl and her 'enjoying' them. 9 hours is a long time to be making the beast with 2 backs (or 5 backs in this case). If she hadnt enjoyed it she wouldnt have put up with it for that long. Im not stupid. I wish she hadnt told me, I didnt ask her, it just came up. Would I have sex with four girls at once? I dont know, opportunity has never come up. Would she feel what Im feeling now if I did? I dont know.

 

Im not insecure, I think its cos I care that it hurts. That fact that some guys would use her for their needs and she would let them is the crunch. I like this girl, love this girl. Im not leaving her and im not going to toast her over it. Some mental map blocking techniques would be great if anyone has any...

 

Are you sure about the 9 hours bit? I assumed that she was exaggerating.

[ronnieromance]

Are you sure about the 9 hours bit? I assumed that she was exaggerating.

 

 

 

 

MMMM, sounds like there was cocaine or viagra involved. Maybe both. Simultaneously.

 

 

-R-

[shoedevil]

Experimenting is still experimenting, regardless of what label you place on the act. Just because I wouldn't do it, doesn't mean that I will condemn her (or her partner as he was an active participant)

I'm sorry, I though I was describing it accurately. Not sugar-coating it to make it sound more appealing. Nobody should be condemning her, of course. But some people might find what she did disturbing/disgusting/unattractive, whatever. The fact that you wouldn't do it suggests you have some problem with the act, which is understandable. I'd never get involved in something like that. And I don't have to admire people who do, either.

And, please, ya gotta lighten up on the movie bit. I was saying it to be a smart a$$ and add levity. Clearly didn't work.

So-so movie, I laughed a few times... Smart a$$? I thought Kevin Smith was the smart a$$!

And I also know that if the situation was reversed (girl complaining that her current BF had sex with 3 women) the posts would be waaay different.

Yeah, I know. It's happened on LS. The woman isn't slammed anywhere near as much as the guy is. It's sad that men who have this problem are told to "just get over it" and bury their feelings, while women are encouraged to "dump the horndog".

I agree. But the OP was trying to find a way to accept her past choices, so that was the angle I was coming from.

You're right, but there are choices that are totally unacceptable to some people. The OP sounds like he can work through this, which is good. I hope no other skeletons come out of the closet, if this incident even happened that is. When I was single, I made some decisions that caused (some) women to completely lose interest in me. I didn't begrudge them their standards.

[MarkWarner]

Thanks Shoey, your talking alot of sense and Ronnie your making me smile. Im still smiling guys. Its not that bad - yet. Yeah Coke was involved thats how the whole thing came up. (To each other) Have you tried it yeah/no, did it make you horny yeah/no? She told me it was 9 hours so ill go with the worst case scenario, dont know about viagra though. I discussed it with a friend yesterday and he said I shoud buy her a dart board for christmas. You gotta keep laughing.

 

I hope i havent painted a bad impression of my woman, she's a qualified nurse of the highest rank, a good mother and she loves me. Its great. Its just this one frickin demon, where do they come from and what causes them? This is what is really bothering me...

[ronnieromance]

Consider yourself lucky. You'll never have to be like the majority of this board complaining about a boring sex life. Seriously. If you can work through it, you'll be in a good place.

 

Don't worry about the haters who like virginal women because they suck in bed and a girl who's had some fun would dump them anyway.

 

 

-T-

[MarkWarner]

Im really thinking im going to get over this, and Im going to put it to sleep now. Everything is brilliant, it really is. I just couldnt understand my disdane at this scenario. Sexual history stuff doesnt usually bother me. Family, Health, finances, that kind of stuff, thats what usually keeps me awake so I guess I have done pretty f***in well to get to 40 and this is a first. Im going to deal with it in my own head and im not going to let it bother me. I have found a chink in my armour and hopefully ill be a better person for accepting this. Thanks everyone, you really have helped me enormously. I really appreciate you all taking the time. And Ronnie if thats you in the photo if I had that much hair Id be a very happy man indeed. Goodnight, god bless.

[ronnieromance]

It's your ego bro. You probably have some sort of irrational and unfounded hangup related to it. We've all been there. The lucky ones realize what it is and that it is really senseless and ego-driven.

 

Reptilian reaction, really.

 

 

-R-

[climbergirl]

I'm sorry, I though I was describing it accurately. Not sugar-coating it to make it sound more appealing. Nobody should be condemning her, of course. But some people might find what she did disturbing/disgusting/unattractive, whatever. The fact that you wouldn't do it suggests you have some problem with the act, which is understandable. I'd never get involved in something like that. And I don't have to admire people who do, either.

 

Dude........no way was I trying to sugar-coat it as appealing or something worthy of admiration. The OP came here to ask how to handle it.........not if what she did was right or wrong.

 

FYI-I have been in the same position as the OP. And, yes, it turned me off to the point of being one deciding factor in not continuing a relationship-but mainly because his past is something I assumed he wanted to continue in the future. But he's had plenty of dates since, so maybe I was being abnormal in that respect. Anyway, i still stick by my decision.

 

But that's just me.

 

Values account for a lot if a relationship will survive/die........and the OP stated he was no saint.

 

So-so movie, I laughed a few times... Smart a$$? I thought Kevin Smith was the smart a$$!

 

eh-and here I thought Jay was the smarta$$!

And JLA has got a cool voice.