Pre-marital counseling

[john1776]

Recently I asked my girlfriend if she thinks we need pre-marital counseling and she says no. I've decided to take it upon myself to go to pre-marital counseling but I cannot make her go. I will go alone if necessary.

 

Should I tell her that I'm going to counseling or should I just be discreet about it and go to sessions privately?? She does not think we need counseling.

 

She's even told me that I should not be reading these boards. This leads me to believe that she's hiding something and does not want me to find out the truth from the posters here.

[Outcast]

I think that people should never reject opportunities to learn and to improve themselves. There are many things that a couple needs to discuss BEFORE they marry; pre-marital counselling helps guide them through the discussions.

 

Never-married people who think they know everything about what marriage entails are fooling themselves bigtime.

[tikigods]

agreed with Outkast!

[RecordProducer]

Should I tell her that I'm going to counseling or should I just be discreet about it and go to sessions privately??

You mean hide it from her?

 

This leads me to believe that she's hiding something and does not want me to find out the truth from the posters here.

Now she is hiding something?

 

What possibly could you find out from the posters here? That women like sex and since you're not giving it to her much, she must be putting up with you for your money? I don't get it...

[Becoming]

I did some pre-marital counseling w/o H because he was 500 miles away. I think it actually hurt us because I learned things he didn't and wouldn't from me or read on his own, so there was an emotional discrepancy that hurt our relationship. Not to discourage you, but to encourage you to think through that issue so you're not surprised.

 

Could the two of you work through the marriage builders site together--it'd be great for premarital counseling.

 

You privately could ask the pastor/priest/rabbi marrying you to make it a requirement for the marriage. Many do this.

[Outcast]

I think it actually hurt us because I learned things he didn't and wouldn't from me or read on his own, so there was an emotional discrepancy that hurt our relationship

 

Huh?

[Becoming]

That is to say, I assumed he knew some of the things I learned about fighting fairly that he didn't know. But I didn't learn how to recognize that discrepancy--especially when he was sure that his perceptions were reality and I was unsure of mine in relationships since I cam from an entirely dysfunctional family and his looked perfectly Leave-It-to-Beaverish. But his family never had conflict; it was all subterranean, and I never knew where the secret passageways were since my family conflict was volatile.

 

So we had too many individual issues that needed sorting out, which good premarital counseling could have helped us identify and get us each started on before causing years of pain to one another.

 

So go to counseling, yes, but call it what it is--individual counseling--because premarital counseling has to involve both parties. That way you place no expectations on her and can learn how to deal with some of the issues that it seems you sense might be brewing on the horizon.

[norajane]

Maybe she doesn't want to go to pre-marital counseling because you haven't actually proposed to her yet, and you aren't getting married?

 

Maybe you should go to counseling on your own - not premarital counseling, but therapy because you are reading her emails on a weekly basis, without her knowledge, looking for evidence of cheating?

 

Maybe she doesn't want you on these boards because you spend hours reading stories about people who have been cheated on...and it's just fueling your insecurities...even though she is not cheating and hasn't ever cheated on you?

[john1776]

Maybe she doesn't want to go to pre-marital counseling because you haven't actually proposed to her yet, and you aren't getting married?

 

Maybe you should go to counseling on your own - not premarital counseling, but therapy because you are reading her emails on a weekly basis, without her knowledge, looking for evidence of cheating?

 

Maybe she doesn't want you on these boards because you spend hours reading stories about people who have been cheated on...and it's just fueling your insecurities...even though she is not cheating and hasn't ever cheated on you?

 

 

If your analysis is correct about her not cheating then I must have one of those *rare* relationships. I don't believe I could have one of those rare girlfriends. I'm not chancing it anymore. I'm dumping her next time I talk to her.

[The slayer]

You know John, I agree with everything norajane says.

 

When you think how big the world is the amount of people posting here about their cheating girlfriends is very very small.

 

I think this kind of is your problem and I think you should go to counselling on our own, if it makes you feel more comfortable then view it as premarital counselling, but whatever you decide to do, I think maybe you should consider taking a break from reading other peoples threads about cheating girlfriends for a while

[john1776]

As of tonight I officially broke it off with her. It was not an easy thing to do. I actually feel like I got dumped but I didn't. I'm feeling really sad right now. I gave my break up speech just before she was about to undress me. I told her to stop what she was doing because we needed to talk.

 

I simply told her that I don't see our relationship working out and that we should just be friends from here on out. I did not tell her all the reasons that I broke up with her. I just told her that I'm not good for her or anybody else and that our relationship feels too good to be true. Those are true reasons. I just did not tell her about my suspicions. She asked me if I'm sure about my decision and I said yes.

 

Here's the thing I still want to keep the friendship because I think I'd have alot less to worry about with her if we were just friends. The only problem is that I fear I'm going to want to get back together if I'm friends with her at this time. So I guess no contact would be necessary at this point??

 

I just could not spend another day wondering when she would dump me so I beat her to the job. Right now I feel like my heart is about to come out of my chest. I took a risk by breaking up with her. There is a risk I'm going to regret my decision in a few weeks or months but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I still feel that the risks involved with staying far outweigh the risks involved with leaving.

[jmargel]

IMO you did the wrong thing. You ditched her because of your own insecurities? You really need to talk to her and tell her the real reason why you ended it. She deserves this!

 

IMO you also need to goto a counselor and have a few sessions. Then ask her to come with you. If you do this throughout your whole life you are going to be missing on some of the greatest experiences.

 

Life doesn't come with an instruction book, we don't know what's on the next page. However the best we can do is to enjoy the moment we are in. Try not to worry about things you cannot control and do not let fear dictate your life.

 

Once you are done reading my post, call her & tell her you wish to talk to her. That you really need to be honest with her about why you feel the way you do. Good chance she would understand you and want to help you in this problem. That is what love is about. Not to run away but to face these problems together.

 

Do it now..

[littlekitty]

John, you need counselling, not premarital, but counselling none the less.

[norajane]

As of tonight I officially broke it off with her. It was not an easy thing to do. I actually feel like I got dumped but I didn't. I'm feeling really sad right now. I gave my break up speech just before she was about to undress me. I told her to stop what she was doing because we needed to talk.

 

I simply told her that I don't see our relationship working out and that we should just be friends from here on out. I did not tell her all the reasons that I broke up with her. I just told her that I'm not good for her or anybody else and that our relationship feels too good to be true. Those are true reasons. I just did not tell her about my suspicions. She asked me if I'm sure about my decision and I said yes.

 

Here's the thing I still want to keep the friendship because I think I'd have alot less to worry about with her if we were just friends. The only problem is that I fear I'm going to want to get back together if I'm friends with her at this time. So I guess no contact would be necessary at this point??

 

I just could not spend another day wondering when she would dump me so I beat her to the job. Right now I feel like my heart is about to come out of my chest. I took a risk by breaking up with her. There is a risk I'm going to regret my decision in a few weeks or months but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I still feel that the risks involved with staying far outweigh the risks involved with leaving.

 

You might as well quit your job, too - they might fire you at any time, and it's better to leave now. And hey, there's really no point in having any friends, because they might betray you or let you down in some way, so best to rid yourself of them now. Your apartment could get hit by a lightning storm or your landlord could raise the rent, so maybe you should move out and start living in a shelter...you'll end up there anyway, soon enough when you get fired... [/sarcasm]

 

John, you need some therapy. You aren't likely to ever have a happy relationship if you don't get past your fears.

 

In this case, you did the right thing. You certainly aren't good for her if all you're doing in this relationship is worrying about whether she will cheat on you. Now she is free to meet someone who is free to fall in love with her without constantly being suspicious of her motives. And you are free to get some therapy and become a healthier person who might one day be ready to date again.

[john1776]

You might as well quit your job, too - they might fire you at any time, and it's better to leave now. And hey, there's really no point in having any friends, because they might betray you or let you down in some way, so best to rid yourself of them now. Your apartment could get hit by a lightning storm or your landlord could raise the rent, so maybe you should move out and start living in a shelter...you'll end up there anyway, soon enough when you get fired... [/sarcasm]

 

John, you need some therapy. You aren't likely to ever have a happy relationship if you don't get past your fears.

 

In this case, you did the right thing. You certainly aren't good for her if all you're doing in this relationship is worrying about whether she will cheat on you. Now she is free to meet someone who is free to fall in love with her without constantly being suspicious of her motives. And you are free to get some therapy and become a healthier person who might one day be ready to date again.

 

 

I think you are comparing apples and oranges here. When the risks outweigh the benefits then it's not good to take risks. Having a job is a necessity so I can eat. I know that if I quit then I won't eat so I work as long as the company will allow me to work so I can eat.

 

This is a totally different story than taking the risk of being in a relationship with someone. Getting into a relationship is a personal desire and not a necessity whereas a job is a necessity. Besides getting a broken heart from a cheating girlfriend is worse than being homeless. Emotional hardship is less tolerable than physical hardship.

 

There's no need for me to go to counseling now since I've ended the relationship. I'm free to do whatever I want with my life now because I'm not in a relationship anymore. Besides I cannot afford counseling. I have no medical insurance.

 

I did not suspect her of cheating until I discovered this website and read the boards. Now I wish I had not discovered this place but unfortunately I have and it's stuck in my memory. I browsed this place for a long time before I signed up.

 

The reason I said I was not good enough for her was because she had no reason to love me in the first place. No woman has any reason to love me. If there is one thing I've learned here that is to never get too close and too comfortable in a relationship. I've learned to make sure I do the dumping before she does.

[littlekitty]

It's a shame you didn't also take the time to read about the many, many healthy and strong relationships and marriages on this board. Many here who give advise are doing so while in a positive relationship.

 

I know there is much gloom and doom to be found here, but this is a relationship advice board, so the bad is always likely to out weigh the good.

 

Personally I can't believe that you had absolutely no insecurities or issues before you came here. No doubt LS can feed them, but I would find it hard to believe it can create them. And if it was, it was your choice to continue to feed it.

[SmoochieFace]

Getting into a relationship is a personal desire and not a necessity whereas a job is a necessity. Besides getting a broken heart from a cheating girlfriend is worse than being homeless. Emotional hardship is less tolerable than physical hardship.

 

The man does have a valid point here...

 

Of course, if he wins the lottery then a job won't be a necessity either.

[timidity99]

The man does have a valid point here...

 

Of course, if he wins the lottery then a job won't be a necessity either.

 

 

The chances of winning the lottery are much slimmer than the chances of getting struck by lightning. The chances of my apartment getting struck by lightning are much slimmer than the chances of getting a broken heart from a girl. So these people who say that I might as well quit my job or move underground or whatever are comparing apples with oranges.

[john1776]

Unfortunately I discovered this place by accident so it was not entirely my choice. My mind is very fragile. I cannot read something for hours without being influenced by the material in some way. I don't know how you can do that. But if I read or listen to someone long enough I'll eventually believe what they are saying. That's the power of brainwashing.

 

I would not recommend this website to anyone for the very reason that they might get hooked and buy into alot of the garbage. I don't believe one can force themselves to stop doubting. For me to recommend this website to anyone would make me just as guilty as they are.

 

If you are in a positive relationship (which is rare) then you have no reason to come on this board. This board exists for people to get advice on relationship problems. I think we should all strive to outgrow LS at some point. Your relationship should be so positive that you are outgrowing the need to come here.

 

Having said the advice here does not come from therapists but rather from ordinary people who have opinions on things that are not black or white. Besides how do you really know if someone is honest here when they say they have a great relationship? They could be lying to you through their teeth. You should not trust anybody here either.

 

Don't trust your girlfriend and don't trust the women here either. Anybody can lie about their relationship on here and you wouldn't know it. That's the danger with seeking advice from faceless strangers on a message board. The only person you should trust is yourself.

[a4a]

 

If you are in a positive relationship (which is rare) then you have no reason to come on this board. This board exists for people to get advice on relationship problems. I think we should all strive to outgrow LS at some point. Your relationship should be so positive that you are outgrowing the need to come here.

 

Now that is not 100% true..... my R is pretty good right now I would give it a 9.5 out of 10. I come here when I am bored.... I love the water cooler section, I also may share something I learned in life that my help another. Right now I should be mowing the lawn..... but LS is more fun!

 

Having said the advice here does not come from therapists but rather from ordinary people who have opinions on things that are not black or white. Besides how do you really know if someone is honest here when they say they have a great relationship? They could be lying to you through their teeth. You should not trust anybody here either. <this includes you and your advice as well feller.

 

Now again some therapist are nuttier than their patients....... at least here you get a variety of nuts to listen to instead of just one that you pay to give you nutty advice...... don't shrinks become shrinks to solve their own problems mostly??? :p Professional help is great for some.... others prefer self help or taking in as much info as possible and drawing their own conclusions.

 

Don't trust your girlfriend and don't trust the women here either. Anybody can lie about their relationship on here and you wouldn't know it. That's the danger with seeking advice from faceless strangers on a message board. The only person you should trust is yourself.

 

While trusting yourself is dearly important, isolating yourself to the extreme as you suggest and to tell others that they should distrust women of all sorts is bad advice. Of course you could be making this whole story up....... so I will draw my own conclusions from the info you have posted and trust my own judgement.

[Mary3]

Unfortunately I discovered this place by accident so it was not entirely my choice. My mind is very fragile. I cannot read something for hours without being influenced by the material in some way. I don't know how you can do that. But if I read or listen to someone long enough I'll eventually believe what they are saying. That's the power of brainwashing.

 

I would not recommend this website to anyone for the very reason that they might get hooked and buy into alot of the garbage. I don't believe one can force themselves to stop doubting. For me to recommend this website to anyone would make me just as guilty as they are.

 

If you are in a positive relationship (which is rare) then you have no reason to come on this board. This board exists for people to get advice on relationship problems. I think we should all strive to outgrow LS at some point. Your relationship should be so positive that you are outgrowing the need to come here.

 

Having said the advice here does not come from therapists but rather from ordinary people who have opinions on things that are not black or white. Besides how do you really know if someone is honest here when they say they have a great relationship? They could be lying to you through their teeth. You should not trust anybody here either.

 

Don't trust your girlfriend and don't trust the women here either. Anybody can lie about their relationship on here and you wouldn't know it. That's the danger with seeking advice from faceless strangers on a message board. The only person you should trust is yourself.

 

Love Shack is for everyone . The hurting and the healthy. To blame this site and wish you NEVER came here sounds more like you have issues with YOU. Deep inside.

 

Yes, of course alot of us stumbled upon this site by ( in my case ) typing the words : My boyfriend still wants to be friends with his ex " and I got a wealth of information on here. I found this place fascinating and when the breakup came near I learned how NOT to act when the breakup occurs.

 

There is so much here to learn. Sure you have all kinds of posters. Some direct. Some naive. Some cruel. Some blunt .But most have a good balance because you read ALOT of posts and get ALOT of different perspectives.

 

If people posted here about the signs of cheating....well then thats ONE UP for you . At least you got some honest information and answers.

 

Cheating or many of the other subjects covered here happen to posters daily. We try to respond daily. If you are LUCKY enough to find this site you can learn how to be more * aware *. What you do with the information is your own business.

 

Do not blame Love Shack. Most posters genuinely care about you and your outcome for your particular problem

[norajane]

This is a totally different story than taking the risk of being in a relationship with someone. Getting into a relationship is a personal desire and not a necessity whereas a job is a necessity. Besides getting a broken heart from a cheating girlfriend is worse than being homeless. Emotional hardship is less tolerable than physical hardship.

 

What about friends and family? Do you isolate yourself from them as well because you are afraid they might let you down or hurt you in some way in the future?

 

Emotional pain is awful to deal with; I had a cheating boyfriend once and was devastated for a long time. The thing is, to me, never having love in my life would be a harder emotional pain, and a longer term type of emotional pain, than discovering a cheating boyfriend.

 

If you close yourself off from love, you can't ever feel the joys that family, friends, and lovers add to your life.

 

If you can't afford therapy to help you get past your fears, then do something good for yourself and adopt a cat or dog from a shelter - provided that you can take good care of one. They will never betray you, and they give lots of free love.

[john1776]

Love Shack is for everyone . The hurting and the healthy. To blame this site and wish you NEVER came here sounds more like you have issues with YOU. Deep inside.

 

Yes, of course alot of us stumbled upon this site by ( in my case ) typing the words : My boyfriend still wants to be friends with his ex " and I got a wealth of information on here. I found this place fascinating and when the breakup came near I learned how NOT to act when the breakup occurs.

 

There is so much here to learn. Sure you have all kinds of posters. Some direct. Some naive. Some cruel. Some blunt .But most have a good balance because you read ALOT of posts and get ALOT of different perspectives.

 

If people posted here about the signs of cheating....well then thats ONE UP for you . At least you got some honest information and answers.

 

Cheating or many of the other subjects covered here happen to posters daily. We try to respond daily. If you are LUCKY enough to find this site you can learn how to be more * aware *. What you do with the information is your own business.

 

Do not blame Love Shack. Most posters genuinely care about you and your outcome for your particular problem

 

 

Well I think part of the problem is posters who care too much. There is a such thing as caring too much. There comes a point when everyone has to realize that it's none of anyone's business what I decide to do with my relationships. There comes a time when I need to be left alone to my own devices. The people here care too much and don't respect me enough to allow me to make my own mistakes.

 

You are not God and it should not be your concern what's going on in my love life. I personally find most of the advice here to be destructive. There is nothing constructive about criticism here. How do I know that the motives of the one criticizing is not to boost their ego? I think alot of us here have selfish motives behind giving criticism if we are honest with ourselves.

 

I still don't believe LS is for everyone. Coming to this place can work against you. I think this place is turning into one big joke too. It started off on the right foot when it opened in 1997.

 

If I was a completely healthy person then I would not even bother to register to come here. I would have no reason to. But maybe it's time for me to find another website that will benefit me. Some folks find this place to be theraputic and healing but I don't. In fact I feel worse at the end of the day after reading comments.

 

I suppose if anyone's goal is to make me feel worse then they are doing the right thing by criticizing me. I encourage you to continue doing what you are doing if your goal is to put me down. Mary could be lying through her teeth too. She could be making all of this up as we speak.

 

Human beings by nature are selfish creatures. Therefore even if someone does something good for me then chances are 90% of the time that it's for a selfish reason. Let's face it. The majority of women date men for selfish reasons.

[john1776]

What about friends and family? Do you isolate yourself from them as well because you are afraid they might let you down or hurt you in some way in the future?

 

Emotional pain is awful to deal with; I had a cheating boyfriend once and was devastated for a long time. The thing is, to me, never having love in my life would be a harder emotional pain, and a longer term type of emotional pain, than discovering a cheating boyfriend.

 

If you close yourself off from love, you can't ever feel the joys that family, friends, and lovers add to your life.

 

If you can't afford therapy to help you get past your fears, then do something good for yourself and adopt a cat or dog from a shelter - provided that you can take good care of one. They will never betray you, and they give lots of free love.

 

 

Good idea about getting a pet. I'm growing to dislike humanity anyway. Yes I said humanity so don't accuse me of being a woman hater. I'm a man hater too.

[a4a]

Hermit crabs make great pets!

 

 

 

no fuss no muss