Feeling Empty about physical relationship with my wife

[plentyofquestions2]

I'm sure this one has been posted before.

 

My wife and I have been married 10 years and at first she would have interest in trying new "sexual" things, but over the last 5 years it's been all downhill.

 

She doesn't touch herself because it's dirty amd she will no longer perform oral sex on me.......because when she decides to do it.....it's a "gift" from her........Well, I haven't had a gift in 2+ years.....can't remember the last gift.........and I realize she gags easily, but at least make an attempt. There IS other equipment down there that would enjoy some attention too. I love when she uses her mouth on ANY part of my body, but it seems like a chore for her to even sit up in bed........ah yes!!......she will rub my back lightly until the cows come home, but THAT'S sensual......NOT......NO pictures, NO videos, NO watching X rated videos, no fun........and she tells me that I AM THE LOVE OF HER LIFE!

 

I am so frustrated and I know the grass is not greener on the other side and I'm NOT looking for other "grass" to mow, but I feel EMPTY inside! I know she loves me, but she can only say it when we are in bed.....THANKS.......sex has become an unsatisfying chore for her.....OH, she does get to cum and she DOES enjoy that, but foreplay, teasing, licking, nibbling..............it's all gone.

 

I write her a 3-4 page letter about once a year telling her how I feel and my frustrations and they never seem to be taken seriously.......she reads it, seems to get angry inside and things are a little better and I mean A LITTLE better for about a week and then it's boring, boring, boring as usual.

 

Is it normal for a woman in her 40's to NOT have fantasies? The only fantasy she will tell me she has is to have a normal, loving relationship. I feel like an ass, but she is tearing me apart emotionally and I DO LOVE HER, but she has to open up. I've never met a woman that doesn't like to have her neck kissed and licked......until now. Her breasts are always tender and nipple play is just OUT.......unless she is soooooooooo close to orgasm and then, and only then does she enjoy me playing with her nipples.

 

Why does she not take my frequent letters seriously? Why can she not change some even little things to please me? Why can she not loosen up? Why do I still love her regardless of these facts? Where do I get help for her, me and us? I am so depressed.............it makes me want to cry..........

 

I'm NOT an a**h***. Most women find me to be personable, attractive, funny, likeable.......and the ones who are available (in their 40s and 50s) want me!..........but I don't want to go there. I just want my wife back!!!!!.........I want a healthy, happy, fullfilling, intimate relationship with her.

 

I want a wife that shows me her body(she is attractive and NOT over-weight.....unless you ask her), wears sexy things to bed in order to turn me on.......................I'm just depressed.......PLEASE help me understand what I need to do!........I need help for our future together.

 

I love this woman and would hate to dissapoint her in any way, but I'm tired, depressed and don't want to write another....."here's what I need in our relationship" letter.

 

PLEASE HELP the "LOVE OF HER LIFE"!!

 

THANK YOU FROM DALLAS TEXAS!!!!!

[sugarplum]

POQ2 - Oh, how I feel for you. I myself am in a similar situation (only the ho-humness goes beyond the bedroom) but I am a woman. I have written ump-teen letters, and even printed stuff off the internet. I ask if he read them and I get "I glanced at it, I got the jist of it" - and nothing changes. I tell him our relationship is in real trouble and he doesn't take it seriously enough to do more than "glance at it". I can't offer much advice, so instead I offer my understanding of what you are going through. You will find you are not alone here! The LS community has a wealth of info and advice, so keep checking back. Read old threads as well. Yours isn't the first like this! Responses will be slow this weekend just to warn you. Dont get discouraged.

 

I am sure you already know it could be a physical problem affecting her drive, or an emotional problem affecting her drive. It could be something totally unrelated to sex that is affecting her labido. Any idea at all on where the root of the problem lies?

[HokeyReligions]

She's in her 40's. It could be menopause or pre-menopause. If its that or another health issue you will just have to deal with it. Also, some women do not enjoy oral sex (giving or receiving) and when they do it it IS a gift and sometimes the gift has been given so many times that it becomes so distasteful that it won't be given anymore.

 

It could be an emotional and/or physical health issue on her part. Has she seen a doctor about it? Sometimes people just lose their sex drive.

 

You have to decide if you lover her enough to stay in a celibate marriage. What is most important to you, sex or love? Loss of sex is a dealbreaker for a lot of people and people who still love each other in every other way sometimes divorce over it. btw: my husband stopped having sex with me 14 years ago. We are still married and after quite a few years of the kind of hurt and frustration that you have described - along with some counseling - we are now in a comfortable place and happily married. For some - marriage can be happy and celibate.

[sugarplum]

I love this woman and would hate to dissapoint her in any way, but I'm tired, depressed and don't want to write another....."here's what I need in our relationship" letter.

 

 

This, to me, says you are not really interested in a sexless marriage. It is what you need, not just what you want.

 

It could be menopause - another reason to look into the medical side of it. Don't give up on it yet!

[SoleMate]

Usually I advise husbands in your situation to make sure they have communicated clearly about what they want/need, and about how the lack of the above is affecting the man and the marriage. It seems you've already done that. Here are some other possibilities:

 

* Medical issues related to sex/libido or to fatigue - insist on her having a thorough physical workup

* More physical activity to help build up her stamina (in case she is not physically fit)

* Read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley to see if there is any emotional need of hers that you could fulfill better

* Read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis for the most thorough explanation of this problem

 

Once the above is out of the way, if you have no improvement, then you will be faced with a stark choice: Learn to live with what you have, or end the marriage. It IS often possible to reach an accommodation where you find yourself at peace with what is lacking in your marriage, and it will probably be possible for you.

 

Certainly, if you insist on staying married without improvement, I would recommend doing whatever you can to accept the reality, rather than beat your head against a brick wall. Example: Feel grateful for the sex you do get, rather than focussing on what you don't get.

 

If you have tried EVERYTHING and are seriously considering ending the marriage, then make sure your wife knows that fact before you pull the trigger. If you are the "love of her life", perhaps the "D-word" and the possibility of losing you will wake her up. Like you, I struggle to understand how someone's WORDS can proclaim such love, while their ACTIONS are driving their partner to despair.

[Outcast]

Like you, I struggle to understand how someone's WORDS can proclaim such love, while their ACTIONS are driving their partner to despair.

 

I think it's about not understanding the situation from the other person's point of view. It seems an awful lot of women (which saddens me about my gender) expect their wants, needs, and desires to be met but don't feel they are required to return in kind.

 

I think a great deal of that has to do with the myth so many people were brought up with that men were tough, emotionless robots. So why think or expect a man to have feelings when we 'know' men really don't?

It's entirely possible that she actually doesn't believe that you could be hurt by her actions or lack thereof.

[Guest]

It sounds like communication has broken down between the two of you.

 

Tell me, what are HER beefs about your marriage? Does she have any?

 

Maybe she feels her emotional needs are going unmet. Have you asked her what she thinks is lacking in the marriage?

 

Is she depressed? I know I went through spell for a while where my career was totally unsatisfying and I wasn't sure about my direction in life. My SO seemed to thinks this was a very minor problem, which made me feel misunderstood and emotionally neglected. It made me want sex less and for a while, our relationship had some bad bumps.

 

If she honestly thinks everything is just fine, I'd suggest getting to a marriage counselor. You sound as if you are close to the breaking point. There has to be some honesty between you and your wife and a greater understanding with regards to each others' needs. You may need some professional help acheiving this.

 

It sounds like you really care about your marriage. I wish you luck.

[mslucysue]

she sounds quite prudish. was she always this way?

[bab]

I think a great deal of that has to do with the myth so many people were brought up with that men were tough, emotionless robots. So why think or expect a man to have feelings when we 'know' men really don't?

 

I agree with this part. I struggle with this on a day to day basis, and still get amazed when my husband shows great emotion surrounding our relationship.

 

But, back to the OP. I think you need to be there when she reads the letter. Close the door to the bedroom, turn off the TV, cell phones, and wait while she reads it. Then TOGETHER come up with a game plan to fix it. Don't either one of you leave the room until you've decided how to go forward to fix the problem. I don't know if you've got kids, but if you do, get a babysitter. Let the phone ring.

 

If she doesn't feel creative in the bedroom, it maybe to much to ask her to be. Spell out what you want from her. Give her some ideas. Figure out what she can be comfortable with TOGETHER. If she's to tired at night, plan some daytime sex. TALK until you can't talk anymore. Good luck.

[plentyofquestions2]

Thank you for all your advice!!! You are all good friends!!