New relationship commitment issues

[GuySimple]

Firstly, forgive me if this is the wrong place for this post. I checked out the dating section and there are about a million posts a day and I didn't want this to get lost.

 

I have been separated for about close to a year now. I have been dating a person for the past few months. We hit it off fairly quickly which, is not surprising given that we are both coming our of fairly hurtful relationships.

 

I noticed that we had been moving fairly quickly and I got uncomfortable. We had a very frank discussion about the whole dynamics surrounding new relationships after marriage and things slowed down to a much more comfortable level.

 

They have been wanted out kids to get together which I am just not comfortable with and have told her. I notice that whenever I want to do my own thing with my kids or on my own the other person gets passively upset. I notice this and get frustrated and pull away even more.

 

I like this person and they have a lot of qualities that I am looking for except this issue.

 

I went to see a councilor to discuss it and she felt that I was probably not interested in a close relationship right now. Which she is probably right.

 

I discussed this with the person I am seeing and her comment was that she really liked me and understood and we would take things slow. However, I notice that she persists on making suggestions and plans involving our kids and seems to get upset when I say that I am not interested.

 

At this point I am not sure what to do. I like the person but this is a big issue to me. Both the pushing the relationship part and also the passive frustration she shows towards me.

 

Needless to day my guard is up that one day she will say she has had enough of my seemly lack of commitment and bid me farewell. As a result I am reluctant to get too involved emotionally which she notices. Kind of a catch 22.

[SmokieWoman]

Listen to your gut instinct. I know a fellow who always pushes his daughter on women he dates as an effort to seal the deal. She might be thinking that if the kids get along well, you might be more inclinded to stick around longer - or not. It's hard to tell which is why I say you should listen to your gut.

 

Good luck

 

Smokie Woman

[Outcast]

I discussed this with the person I am seeing and her comment was that she really liked me and understood and we would take things slow. However, I notice that she persists on making suggestions and plans involving our kids and seems to get upset when I say that I am not interested.

 

That's because every 'no' feels like personal rejection to her. You have to understand that to many women a 'no' to spending time together feels as much a rejection as a 'no' to sex does to you. She worries that you don't want to be with her. If it's not the case, then you have to reassure her every time that it's not that you don't want to be with her (assuming that's the truth) but X (and X better be a very good reason).

 

Needless to day my guard is up that one day she will say she has had enough of my seemly lack of commitment and bid me farewell. As a result I am reluctant to get too involved emotionally which she notices. Kind of a catch 22.

 

A Gordian knot. And it happens in marriages, too. One person thinks the other is giving signs of not being as interested and retaliates. Each round of retaliation breaks down the relationship more. You have to quit waffling. Do you really want to build this relationship or are you just dangling her to keep her handy in case you decide you want to take it further?

 

If you do want her long term, man up a bit and do more to show you care to reassure her that she's wanted. If you are trying to keep her handy for the day when you decide to decide, well if you lose her through waffling it'll be you to blame. So decide and then behave accordingly.

[GuySimple]

Thanks Outcast. I have been very forthcoming with her about where I stand. She agrees each time and adds that she also needs time to heal herself from her failed marriage and another relationship.

 

However, I notice that her actions are not the same as what we agreed and this frustrates me.

 

I told her once that if she could not handle giving me a little space when I needed it without being anoyed with me that maybe we should break it off. She was very quick to agree and say that it was me who was getting serious.

 

But, this weekend once again she suggested that we get our kids together. I told her that I still didn't think it was a good idea and why I felt that way. I can tell that she is upset with me, although she would never come right out and tell me if she was.

 

Regarding the long term commitment thing. We have been a good support to one another and do have fun together but, I have been very clear with her that at this point I am not in an emotional position to be thinking long term. If it works out great. But I am not planning anything at this point. I do get the feeling that she very much wants to start over again with respect to a family. She is a romantic and the idea of blending families appeals to her.

 

Given that we have both been separated for not that long, it is probably not a good idea to be thinking long term. I know it is not the best thing for me.

[HeyYouGuys]

Firstly, forgive me if this is the wrong place for this post. I checked out the dating section and there are about a million posts a day and I didn't want this to get lost.

 

I have been separated for about close to a year now. I have been dating a person for the past few months. We hit it off fairly quickly which, is not surprising given that we are both coming our of fairly hurtful relationships.

 

I noticed that we had been moving fairly quickly and I got uncomfortable. We had a very frank discussion about the whole dynamics surrounding new relationships after marriage and things slowed down to a much more comfortable level.

 

They have been wanted out kids to get together which I am just not comfortable with and have told her. I notice that whenever I want to do my own thing with my kids or on my own the other person gets passively upset. I notice this and get frustrated and pull away even more.

 

I like this person and they have a lot of qualities that I am looking for except this issue.

 

I went to see a councilor to discuss it and she felt that I was probably not interested in a close relationship right now. Which she is probably right.

 

I discussed this with the person I am seeing and her comment was that she really liked me and understood and we would take things slow. However, I notice that she persists on making suggestions and plans involving our kids and seems to get upset when I say that I am not interested.

 

At this point I am not sure what to do. I like the person but this is a big issue to me. Both the pushing the relationship part and also the passive frustration she shows towards me.

 

Needless to day my guard is up that one day she will say she has had enough of my seemly lack of commitment and bid me farewell. As a result I am reluctant to get too involved emotionally which she notices. Kind of a catch 22.

 

 

I think you were right in not wanting the children to be involved. I would question as to why someone wants to move a new relationship along so quickly, especially after a hurtful end with the last one.

 

That would be a big red flag for me!

 

Take your time and don't rush anything. If someone can't be understanding about your need for space, they are probably the wrong person for you.

[stronggirl]

i think you should free her to let her be with someone that is more fully ready to commit than you are, and stop holding her back from her wants and needs....... just my two cents

[Ladyjane14]

I have been very forthcoming with her about where I stand. She agrees each time and adds that she also needs time to heal herself from her failed marriage and another relationship.

 

However, I notice that her actions are not the same as what we agreed and this frustrates me.

 

When words and actions don't meet.... you're not hearing the TRUTH.

 

That said, sometimes we're so sensitive to the particulars surrounding an issue, that we don't necessarily appraise the situation correctly. IOW, our perception itself colors our view.

 

Either she really is cool with taking things slowly, or she isn't. The fact that you've recently been emotionally scorched in the demise of your marriage could be a factor in making you sensitive in this new relationship. For that reason, my suggestion would be to avoid putting words in this new lady's mouth. If she says she's okay with taking it slow, take her at her word until she shows you otherwise in a more definitive way.

 

It's okay to let her carry her own emotional bags at this point. You don't have to respond to that kind of nuance this early in the relationship. So, if she seems to you to be angry or disappointed.... wait for her to voice her complaints. Then you'll have a starting point for negotiations. You're not being a bad guy this early in the game by not responding to emotional 'picture clues'. Sometimes, a momentary disappointment is just that.... momentary. You can let it pass without addressing it.

 

Kids are very immediate as you well know. They need a certain amount of activity to keep them busy and out of trouble. So, it's nice that she wants to include yours. And it's possible that there's nothing more sinisiter to it than that. It's equally possible that she's already cast you into the role of 'partner'.

 

But you're not going to have tools to work with until you establish which possibility is actual fact.... so, be patient and don't make assumptions until she clarifies her position.

[Becoming]

Is this a deal-breaker for you, Guy? If so, tell her that and if she persists in this behavior, gently remind her of your agreement a couple times and be honest--that her actions not coinciding with her agreement is a big red flag for you that this is not gonna work out and that you'll need to move on if she continues to persist.

 

I'm assuming that you've told her all this. While she may have agreed, deep down in, she may not be OK with it and perhaps is not even aware of it unless you keep reminding her of what she's said and pointing out her behavior that is at odds with her words. You can do this gently and patiently. This way you're letting her be responsible for her while taking care of you.

 

Good for you for knowing where you stand.

 

If you haven't said what you've said here, please do. It's good.

 

And you may need to reassure her a lot that when you're ready YOU'LL be the one to suggest meeting the kids.

[GuySimple]

Is this a deal-breaker for you, Guy? If so, tell her that and if she persists in this behavior, gently remind her of your agreement a couple times and be honest--that her actions not coinciding with her agreement is a big red flag for you that this is not gonna work out and that you'll need to move on if she continues to persist.

 

I am not sure if it is a deal breaker. Sometimes I think yes, others not.

 

This may be selfish but for the first time in a long while I have had a chance to focus on me and my relationships with family and my children.

 

I expect like most who have gone through separation and divor., it has been a great self discovery. I am not ready to give that up yet and I haven't figured out how to have that and still be in a healthy relationship. I expect someday I will but I am still learning. I don't want to rush into a family role again.

 

I very much like being a single dad to my kids. I have them 50% of the time and they seem to like me more now than before. I think that I am a much better parent. I do notice that whenever she has her children on the weekend she makes a lot of comments about being a single parent. I like it and she does not.

 

I like the comment above about not reading into things. I do that and look for hidden meaning when I should just clearly state what works best for me and leave it up to the other person to let me know if that does not work for them.

 

To be honest I expect that she will eventually want to find someone who is more into the blending of families or being a father as well as a boy friend. I'm OK with that. If that is what happens so be it. I have to make sure that I do what is right for me.

[Mz. Pixie]

GS- I have missed you! I wish you'd come around more and offer your advice and wit to some of the guys going through what you've been through. We have a few- like Trimmer and Gunny but you'd be more than welcome!

 

First of all, a woman who is going to get upset when you're going to be with your kids?? You don't need that. If you feel it's too early on, then it's too early. I personally didn't let my kids meet my now husband until we had planned to marry. I just didn't think the kids should be exposed to someone I wasn't serious about. They never even heard me say his name until then!

 

I think your hesitation is something you should listen to. If you were as into her as she is into you this probably wouldn't be an issue. You need to listen to your gut on this one my dear.

[GuySimple]

Thanks Pix. I've been hiding in the weeds for the past few months.

 

It's not that she gets mad when I spend time with my kids, it's that she wants our two families to get together and do things. I am just not comfortable with the kids meeting.

 

My kids have met her though, albeit on a limited basis. I am ok with that but at this point it would be on a very casual basis and not for long periods.

 

I have actually found that my kids have been pushing me to get involved. I expect they somehow associate a girlfriend with happiness. I sometimes wonder if this is why I push back from the relationship sometimes, that I don't want my happiness to be associated with a girlfriend relationship.

 

I also notice a fairly strong connection with my daughter. This is from the "please dad by liking his girlfriend" side of things. Since this has happened I have stopped any connection between the two until I figure out what I am doing.

 

What bothers me about this whole thing is that this person is what I always thought I wanted in a mate. She has a great personality, smart, nice to me and very attractive. I just don't understand why I have hang-ups about dating her.

[Lor]

Sounds like she isn't looking at this the same as you are--have you asked her what her opinion is, regardless of yours? Does she have her kids all the time? Maybe she's thinking it would give her a break to have them all get together to play so she can concentrate on you.

 

On the other hand: is she agreeing with you because she doesn't want to lose you? Sounds like she's ready to do anything to make you happy. This could be a good/bad sign. It could be this is the way she naturally is....it could be she's afraid of being alone.

 

I agree though, don't drag the kids in till you're sure. you mentioned you're kids have met her a couple of times--did they like her? Kids are very intuitive and if they don't like her, you should wonder why. If the relationship does progress, you should get them together awhile before you get married. You don't want to get serious just to find out that they don't get along.