really baffled

[totally baffled]

i am a 32 year old man who lives with his girlfriend of 9 months.to tell the truth we have a pretty strange relationship and im totally confused and dont know who to talk about this with.we've known each other since second grade and have been friends for years.i divorced about 2 years ago and i have a 5 year old daughter.we started dating while she was still married but getting divorced,when she moved out of her home with her ex husband she moved in with me,she also has 2 children who live with us.when we agreed to move in together she saaid she was going to do her part,which, to me meant carry her own weight,we agreed to combine finances and work together on everything,the problem is i am the one who is making all the sacrifices while she reeps the benefits,i pay for most everything,i am always broke because she cant afford to support herself and her children,and when it comes to child support she lets him get away with not paying it because she feels sorry for him,so i'm the one stuck paying for her and her kids.another thing is when ever her ex calls to talk to her or her kids,she always has to answer the phone and go in the other room to talk to him,this really makes me wonder whats going on.and when we moved in together in the early summer of this year she said she was going to find a new job so she quit hers and never really tried finding another,eventually i found one for her.i feel really used and am starting to get really sick of everything.i do still have feelings for her and she tells me she loves me very much.i just dont know how i should handle the whole situation.all summer long she did her own thing and me,not being a jeolous person never questioned her,although she made me suspicious quite a few times,sometimes i think she is cheating on me,i've walked in when shes on the phone and shes hangs up really quick and says it was her sister and acts really weird about it,then when i check the phone bill the calls not on there seeing it is long distance.i really think i need to dump her but with the living situation and the kids,i dont know how to go about it.i need help.please give me some advice on what to do.thanks

[Daisy]

I'm surprised this girl doesn't have the word "USER" branded into her forehead by now. Sounds to me like she's just taking you for a ride. And I think you need to do something about it ... SOON.

 

If it were me, the first thing I'd do is sit her down and talk to her. At least that way you'll get a better feel for what's going on ... that either she's lying to you, or she's not. After that, it's up to you to decide what to do. Kicking her out sounds like a very good option to me.

 

Honestly, you're in no way responsible for paying for anything for her, let alone her children. So stop paying for them. She's their mother. Therefore, she's responsible for them. She's also responsible for getting the child support for them, and anything else they need. THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB.

 

This woman sounds like she needs a wake up call. Not only does she rely on you for money for herself and her kids, but she might very well be cheating on you. Wouldn't surprise me in the least bit if she is ... heck, she cheated on her ex-husband with you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

So do something about it. Kick her out if you have to. Because she's just going to continue to use you as long as you let her. And one more thing to remember. Don't stop yourself from kicking her out just because you feel sorry for her. That's how you got sucked into this thing in the first place. Those aren't your kids ... therefore, you're not responsible for them. She is. And I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there ... like the guy she's cheating on you with ... that she can leech off of. So don't put up with it.

[Tony T]

You feel like you are being used because you ARE being used.

 

First, she goes into another room to talk to her ex husband because she still cares for him. She doesn't ask him for child support because she cares enough about him to allow him to manipulate her and she doesn't want to upset him.

 

This will not work because your resentment will grow into bitterness.

 

Have a talk as soon as possible with her and tell her everything you said in your post. Let her know you love her but that the relationship cannot continue to put a financial strain on you. Tell her you will terminate the relationship if she doesn't go after the child support that she rightly deserves. Why should you help support another man's children. You're already raising them for him. Paying another man's financial responsiblities is insane.

 

You must do this because, I promise you, the resentment will grow unbearable for you. Not only is your lady taking advantage of you but the father of her children is playing you for a sucker too.

 

It could be when you insist she go to him for child support, this may flush out how she really feels about him. You have got to get to the bottom of this.

 

These mysterious phone calls are also a dead giveaway that something is rotten here. Whether or not you dump her is your call...but if things don't improve dramatically and unless you can restore a trusting atmosphere in your home, you may have no other choice but to end this. This is no way to live.