Will he ever stop?

[my_marriage_life]

Hello everyone and thanks to those who read this. My story is a bit long so please be patient.

 

A little bit about me and my husband. We've been married for 3, together 4 years. During these passing years, we had worked our ways through thick and thin. To be more precise, I was rather than him who tried to patching things up. First problem started with him had too many female friends, people who he rather knew from online that later became sisters or friends so called. I was a nagger, complaining that he didn't pay enough attention that he paid more attention to those female friends than his actually living, breathing at home wife me. Everytime when I was so hurtful and seen his ignorance behavior, I told him that we ought to divorce or leaving because this isn't going to work for him being so selfish and all he cared about were his friends.

 

It got to the point where I cried alone, felt so empty, and neglected. Each time whenever I said I was to leave or I couldn't take it anymore just to see what his reaction was, to see if he cared about me at all. His reaction was, he said okay if that is what I want. He never once tell me that lets work thing out or I'm sorry baby or I promised I won't talk to them anymore or please don't do this. The only thing that he said was that I'm overreacted, jealous, and crazy.

 

There are three mains things that I see in our marriage. Female friends is the first problem, drinking and smoking is the second, bad spending husband is the third. For the first couple of years of marriage, his spending habit was out of proportion. At first, we both had separate accounts and a joint. Every paycheck we both chip in but since his name was in it, he could withdrawl money any time whenever he wanted to. That was exactly what happened. A cople of days after his paycheck, he spent all his money. Once it's gone, he turned to our joint saving to wipe it clean. Not only it was cleaned, it was overdrafted. I wasn't much irate at the time, because we didn't lose much money except to himself. However, a year later the bank started a new policy, every neg transaction, they will charge $20 fee to cover their lost.

 

He knew well that they start charging the fees. Nevertheless, he didn't give a rat ass about it. You see, there were at 5 neg transactions per month he made. Me, being the super wife or problem fixer, I decided to take control of the money and leave him certain amount enough to spend every month. First he was so unhappy about it. He thought I was being smart over him, taken all his money. No, I convinced him I wasn't. He gradually accepted my idea of taking charge.

 

Ever since I have the control of the money, our saving account got so fat that we have more money than our average peers. I take care of all bills, everything you names it. He worries nothing, but what to spend on with the money he has. Here comes again, he goes back to the old habits, over spending and repeatedly overdrafted. Until one day I cancelled his bank card. We both agreed that if it in fact happened again, I could cancelled his card and that exactly what I did. He was cool with it and all. So now he can't use the card, I should be worry free right? Not so fast! Instead of spending money outside, he's spending his money (allowance) on ebay through paypal account, no bank card needed just bank account. He's gone back to his old habits, overdraft his checking account. Since the card was cancelled, I told him that I won't be giving him anymore money any other than his allowance. So whever the money was/is gone, instead of asking me for more money, he asks his mom. That is what his mom doing, sending him money many and many times without even let me know. I feel like an outsider and I personally thing that if she keeps doing that he will never changed or learns how to control his habits.

 

When I told him all the things concern me, all he said was that I am taking all the money and he should be able to spend on whatever he wants. For his mother sending him money is none of my business, it isn't like my money; it's hers. I feel like what he's doing now is to make his parents think that I'm not taking care of their son and that I am taking all the money from their son, suck him dried. I'm not taking money to myself. I'm saving the money so that we can perhaps purchase a home and plus some of the money is for me to finish my school. Personally, I want neither of us ending up working hard and no time to relax like his parents. I look far ahead; he looks near and live day by day. Am I wrong for doing this? He seems to regret of marrying me and make me feel like I'm being so evil to him, taking all his money and have him in the leash

[Outcast]

Female friends is the first problem, drinking and smoking is the second, bad spending husband is the third.

 

He would have had all those problems before you married him, correct? Did you think marriage would magically turn him into a perfect man? You don't buy a rundown house and think it'll become perfect just because you bought it. All your issues should have been discussed long before you married this guy and, if not resolved to your satisfaction, you shouldn't have married him. I suspect your only option now is to divorce.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry , because I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I have to agree with Outcast. You can't expect that a guy will change when he gets married. While it's true that an emotionally immature person might change and grow, it's equally true that he might not.

 

If you don't have a family to consider, it might be best to cut your losses here. It would be a shame for you to invest 10 more years and have a couple of kids and then find out that this young man is never going to grow up. Some people just don't. Some folks only gain a certain amount of emotional maturity and then no more.

 

You sound like you have a good working knowledge of your own ENs (emotional needs):

 

>>> You need a man who will be faithful to you and who will consistantly prioritize YOU ahead of other women.

 

>>> You need a man who will be fiscally responsible and will prioritize the financial well-being of the family ahead of his own wants.

 

>>> You need a man who will exercize good judgement, so that you don't have to suffer needless anxiety over his health and welfare.

 

These are very basic ENs which are very common for most people in committed relationships. You're not asking him to 'hang the moon'. So, have no fear that your boundaries are too stringent. They aren't.

 

There are guys out there who can (and will) fill the bill. There are married men all over the world who are meeting these basic ENs for their partner every day. You can rest assured that your requirements for a long-term relationship are fair.

[tikigods]

you only knew the guy one year before you decided to make a huge life changing choice with him, all of these problems sound like they were there before but you looked the other way hoping that marriage would change him (which it never does, marriage is about growing together, not making someone mature)

 

Since you don't have a family yet, I believe its time to cut your loses and find someone else. He isn't going to change for you, he has to want to do it himself and he doesn't want to.

[lilbo]

He sounds very selfish and immature. He should stand up and starting acting like a man, honestly the roles sound like you are his mother. When I think of him I picture a child throwing a temper at the store when they dont get something they want.