big trouble

[beinganon]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now. I'm 19 now, we started going out when I was 17. She is 17 now. I'm in college, which is thankfully only 15 minutes away from home (majoring in Electrical Engineering specializing in control systems). She's in high school.

 

I believe it all started early 2 weeks ago. A few times before she has been known to have cheated on me with a "online" boyfriend. I had thought these were all solved. about 3 weeks ago, everytime she called me, 30 seconds later she got a call waiting (and never called me back). This happened like 4 or 5 times. So i got a little suspicious and went into her email only to find that some guy has been emailing her. She wrote letters to him with endings such as "love name". I thought this was a little strange. So I brought it upto her and she got real angry and denied it, and I said that I thought this was over. Now for the past 2 weeks, she has been going out with friends. She has been talking to me, sometimes a lot. We used to go out every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. This has stopped for 2 weeks now. Last weekend she went out with her friends Friday and Saturday, and saw me for 3 hours on Sunday. Then in the week she flipped out at me (another reaction to the incident). I had no idea what was going on, I thought we were ok then. This weekend, it's now Friday. She was out with her friend from 1pm to 7pm. I called her and asked if she wanted to go out, she said no. She said she did not want to go out. She said that she wants to stay in (which is unusual to say the least). She then said something about her needing space. She has friends to go out with, I don't. I lost all my friends to her 2.5 years ago (they were enemies). I am bored out of my mind. I am not sure what to do with this relationship.

 

We are (were) very close. We almost got engaged last year (but she cheated) and I ended it. We this year had plans to finish college then get married. She was so happy about all this 3 weeks ago. She says now that she loves me, and I love her. But why would she not go out with me?

[Tony T]

Welcome to the world of love. Consider yourself dusted by this chick.

 

She is extremely young and has lots of people to meet and things to do before she settles down. Consider yourself lucky to have spent as much time as you did with her.

 

She's moving on as any young chirpie would do. You can no longer trust her an inch so why even bother. A girl that young will say or do most anything to get her way.

 

I think by her behavior she has spoken extremely loud to you about how she feels. If you will quietly and politely exit her life, that will get her curiosity going. If you hang around and keep asking questions and trying to get her back, she will become lots more aggravated.

 

If you make it easy for her to dump you and just move on, she will respect that and chances are when she grows up in a few years she'll think of you and look you up. At that point she'll have more miles on her and perhaps be ready for a longer relationship and be lots more trustworthy.

[beinganon]

Maybe I seem to have missed to mentioned a few things.

 

As I read every message on this site and others, everyone simply says "leave the relationship" to anyone that has problems. We cannot back out of everything in life. Leaving will only cause more problems. Realzing that me and her are completely different than most I think our problems may be different also. As an engineer, sometimes I apply my ideas to my relationship. I came here to ask for another viewpoint. I even guessed someone would have said to leave her. I want to stay in this relationship. Every second that I am away from her she tells me somehow that she misses me. Just tonight after that first message, I went offline and came back 30 mins later, to see her sad that I was gone, with many emails in my box and IM's waiting for me. It's kinda like a sine wave (sorry can't describe it as anything else). Half of the time it's positive and half it's negative (for the last 2 weeks). I believe there may be a way fix things. I'm looking for some ideas. Anyone?

 

Welcome to the world of love. Consider yourself dusted by this chick. She is extremely young and has lots of people to meet and things to do before she settles down. Consider yourself lucky to have spent as much time as you did with her. She's moving on as any young chirpie would do. You can no longer trust her an inch so why even bother. A girl that young will say or do most anything to get her way. I think by her behavior she has spoken extremely loud to you about how she feels. If you will quietly and politely exit her life, that will get her curiosity going. If you hang around and keep asking questions and trying to get her back, she will become lots more aggravated. If you make it easy for her to dump you and just move on, she will respect that and chances are when she grows up in a few years she'll think of you and look you up. At that point she'll have more miles on her and perhaps be ready for a longer relationship and be lots more trustworthy.

[Tony T]

I'm sorry that you omitted in your post that you are a glutton for punishment and you enjoy pain. I apologize profusely. Hang in there, let her screw you over, let her pulverize you, let her drag your heart all over every nail, pothole and speedbump in the highway of life...knock yourself out.

 

Wow, this is what I call real love. Wish I could find something as wonderful as this.

 

When you make a post and you want specific advice, let us know in advance what you want to hear and we'll oblige. Hell, it's the holidays.

[Laurynn]

Reading both of your posts, I see some glaring contradictions in the situation/her behavior/your perception of her behavior:

 

"Every second that I am away from her she tells me somehow that she misses me."

 

If she misses you so much then why are you two spending less and less time together on the weekends?

 

If she misses you so much when you're apart, then why does she not want to do something with you tonight (which you say isn't like her)?

 

Why is she emailing some cyber-dude and signing it with "love"?

 

Sorry, dude...but the above isn't the behavior of someone who's missing you.....it's the behavior of someone who's playing games.

 

I can't imagine a 17 yr girl with a boyfriend not wanting to spend a weekend or Friday night with him. When I was 17, wild horses couldn't have kept me from spending the weekend with my guy....it's what I lived for all week (both of us did).

 

You've already admitted that she's cheated on you. Now she's sneaking around online with whoever.....is this the quality girl you want to invest more of your heart and time with? If you feel you have to snooping in her email to find out what's going on, that indicates a distinct lack of trust (not saying I wouldn't have done the same if I'd been in your shoes), and a relationship has to be based on 100% mutual trust.

 

You mentioned that last year you 2 were engaged. Um, wouldn't that have made her 16 yrs old? Nobody under the age of 25, IMO, is even close to being ready to think about settling down with one person for the rest of their life, no way, jose.

 

I sensed from your response to Tony that you're not impressed with advice advising you to end things with her....that you think it's just too common for people to say "end things"......well, as outsiders who are objective about your account of the situation, I don't see what else there is to advise you. She's a cheater and a sneak and she seems to be playing little games with you.

 

If she can find the time to email you, send you IM's and be sad that she missed you online, why doesn't she just go out with you tonight? In all honesty, she's probably chatting it up with her new dude, and she's feeling a sense of guilt so she's overdoing it with messages to you, to ease her conscience...or to butter you up, in case you find it suspicious that she's spending her Friday night online. That's just how I see it.

 

L

[Laurynn]

"When you make a post and you want specific advice, let us know in advance what you want to hear and we'll oblige. Hell, it's the holidays."

 

Tony, you are one funny guy. Wanna go out on a date? :-)

 

L

[Miss Mojo]

why on earth would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that? she cannot be honest with you, she has cheated on you, she thinks she can come and go as she pleases with her feelings....

 

WHY OH WHY???

 

when people on this board advise people to leave a person, it's because a lot of us are speaking from experience. i have no hesitation to tell people to leave another person when it obvious that their partner is treating them like crap and not taking their partners feelings into consideration. our viewpoints are objective. telling people what they want to hear is defeating the purpose of genuine advice.

 

no one can ever change a person. you only put yourself through a lot of unecessary emotional turmoil trying to mould a person into your ideal or according to the way things 'used to be'.

 

her efforts in this relationship are very sporadic. why settle for 'positive half the time, negative half the time'?

 

i think tony's advice really hits the nail on the head.

 

speaking from experience, sometimes trying hard to work things out only makes things worse. BOTH PARTIES have to WANT to make it work. no half-hearted efforts. if you really want this chick to pay attention to you and treat you well, then she needs a big jolt. but taking her age into consideration, she's young, she's restless and the chances of her wanting to meet more people are very, very high.

 

best wishes

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Wanna go out on a date?"

 

Not tonight, I've got a headache. But please ask again!!!