NotBaby Posted July 2, 2006 Share Posted July 2, 2006 Hello folks. I am brand new to this forum and to the internet in general for that matter. I want to vent and share what I am going through and my son reccomended this site to me. See, my life just plain sucks. I'll get to the really bad stuff in a minute but for starters, I am going through all sorts of changes. I believe I am going through menopause and my only child just graduated from college and may be leaving me. I have nobody to talk to because my sister is an alcoholic and has brain damage as the result of an accident involving her alcoholism. Also, my elderly aunt has decided to cut her ties with me due to an incident that I may choose to share with you all at a later date. Then there are financial woes... 34 years ago I married a man out of desperation - my mother had died and my father was dating and I felt alone. Fast forward to now. I am no longer intimate with my husband and have not been so since shortly after the birth of my son. I have no desire to rekindle the romance (yeah right!!!) since my husband bathes no more than twice a month and only required a handjob from me in my recent memory. What more, I have reason to suspect that he has been getting his balls shaved by the town drunk. It is also possible that he has had sexual encounters with some of his male friends. I am not friends with my husband (we see eachother three minutes a day and converse mainly in notes). My husband is disgusting in my opinion yet I fear leaving him because I see him as a pitiful human being, I have no place to go and I am afraid that he will make sure I wind up with nothing. He will make life hell for me - he makes life hell for his friends that he loses interest in. I am basically looking for everyone's thoughts on my situation since I have no friends or family that I can trust and little hope to go on (he always kept me from having any friends and told me that I was not allowed to get a job). My son tells me that this is the place to vent and get advice. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Hello folks. I am brand new to this forum and to the internet in general for that matter. I want to vent and share what I am going through and my son reccomended this site to me. See, my life just plain sucks. I'll get to the really bad stuff in a minute but for starters, I am going through all sorts of changes. I believe I am going through menopause and my only child just graduated from college and may be leaving me. I have nobody to talk to because my sister is an alcoholic and has brain damage as the result of an accident involving her alcoholism. Also, my elderly aunt has decided to cut her ties with me due to an incident that I may choose to share with you all at a later date. Then there are financial woes... 34 years ago I married a man out of desperation - my mother had died and my father was dating and I felt alone. Fast forward to now. I am no longer intimate with my husband and have not been so since shortly after the birth of my son. I have no desire to rekindle the romance (yeah right!!!) since my husband bathes no more than twice a month and only required a handjob from me in my recent memory. What more, I have reason to suspect that he has been getting his balls shaved by the town drunk. It is also possible that he has had sexual encounters with some of his male friends. I am not friends with my husband (we see eachother three minutes a day and converse mainly in notes). My husband is disgusting in my opinion yet I fear leaving him because I see him as a pitiful human being, I have no place to go and I am afraid that he will make sure I wind up with nothing. He will make life hell for me - he makes life hell for his friends that he loses interest in. I am basically looking for everyone's thoughts on my situation since I have no friends or family that I can trust and little hope to go on (he always kept me from having any friends and told me that I was not allowed to get a job). My son tells me that this is the place to vent and get advice. Please help. You are welcome to vent here. But what are you asking from us? Link to post Share on other sites
sugarplum Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 My husband is disgusting in my opinion yet I fear leaving him because I see him as a pitiful human being, I have no place to go and I am afraid that he will make sure I wind up with nothing. He will make life hell for me - he makes life hell for his friends that he loses interest in. I am basically looking for everyone's thoughts on my situation since I have no friends or family that I can trust and little hope to go on (he always kept me from having any friends and told me that I was not allowed to get a job). My first reaction is "What the hell???" Why is this person content to bathe 2 twice a month? I would wonder about his mental state. I dont know you, but I would think you deserve better. This is not a true marriage. You can't live like this because you pity him! Your compassion for this human being is touching, don't get me wrong. I don't think I could be so kind. What about your son? Do you have a good relationship with him? Can he help you? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Sounds like you want a life of your own now. Is that it? Do you have a job now outside the home? If not, that's your first step toward a degree of power, self-esteem, and indedpendence, all of which seem to be in short supply in your situation. There are ways to leave a bad marriage that won't leave you destitute. You're entitled to half of his retirement, for example. You may want to consult a divorce lawyer to find out what the laws are and what steps you need to protect yourself. You can also go to google.com to find out about most anything on the internet, including things you need to do months ahead of when you'll actually leave a marriage. And welcome! LS is a good place just to talk when lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I got the impression that you would like to leave him, but fear being on your own and his vindictive aspirations. I think you should think about what you would like to do for a living. It doesn't have to be a waitress or cleaner, you can explore all your abilities and talents, and perhaps get some training and start working. Just pack your bags, move far away (maybe close to where your son goes to college), get a job there and file for a divorce. Don't give your husband anything that belongs to you. Half of everything he has earned during your marriage is yours! You can't live in a marriage where you're frightened, controlled, restricted, and unhappy. You only have one life and what is it worth if you live like this for the rest of it? A new beginning is always scary, but it's also exciting. You have two options: 1. To continue to live in misery; and 2. To change something and be much happier. If you leave him, you will be independent, make your own money, won't depend on him, no one will control you, you'll have your friends, lovers, hobbies... With him, you're dying on the inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Occassionally, we had clowns like your husband in the Marine Corps. Four or five guys would corner him, dragg his azz into the shower, strip him down to his boxer shorts, drag him to the shower and scrub him down with those corase scrub brush, (not the nylon type ~ the ones made from palemtto palms) and Comet ~ that generally got the idea into his head. If not ~ he got a real pretty picture that he needed to shower once a day ~ after the second time. Sea story aside ~ I don't know what you call this ~ but its not a marriage? So if you leave ~ and divorce him ~ its not as though you're walking away from anything. The way you describe your situtation ~ well I've got news you can use ~ most people don't live that way. Not only DON'T but WON'T! Life is just too freaking short. Its not time to be going ~ its time to be gone! Get with the DS (Dear Son) and see if you and he can strike out on your own ~ most recent college graduates need help getting their financial legs under them ~ he'd appreciate having a woman around to do what you've done for him all these years. You'd be helping him out ~ he be helping you out. Barring that ~ contact a woman's abuse center ~ speak to a counselor ~ see if they can't help you make the break. You didn't speak of any actual physical abuse ~ but what he is doing to you is sympthomatic of abuse. And, I realize that your not having martial intercouse with him ~ but if he's scroggin the town drunk and out peter puffing ~ you can STILL contract some nasty disease from his un-hygenic, nasty azz! The life your living isn't living ~ your just exsisting. You can make it own your own ~ but you've got to make the decision. You'll probally have to get a job for the first time ~ you might even have to get two of them ~ there are plenty of folks out there that do. And, yea you'll probally want like it ~ but what does "like" have to do with it? If 11 million illegal alliens are willing to go from Mexico or where ever ~ to go from making $4.50 a day, (20 million of them earn half of that) to come to this country with nothing but the clothes on their backs ~ think what you can do as a natural born American? You've got half of the battle won ~ just by the fact that you were born here ~ (I'm assuming your an American) Him? Forget him! You've fulfilled your obligations and committments to him long ago. Its time to catch the bus to Mexico (Shawshank Redemtion) Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotBaby Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Thank you very much for your advice, comments and other words of encouragement everyone. You folks don’t know me but you know how I feel – just existing day to day. I feel like there is no point to my life, no light at the end of the tunnel. I am in my 50s and it would be very difficult to find a world that I left behind so many years ago. My son has been my only friend for many years and now he is ready to move on and try to begin a career. Where am I to go? What am I to do? Is it really in my best interest to get a job at WalMart? But where? I know you don’t know the answers because you don’t know me but just reading your responses lifts me up and gives me ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I know a lady who took word processing courses and took a job when she was 60. Women live to their 80s these days; your life is barely half over. Plenty of people embark on whole new ventures in their 50s when the kids are out of the way. So for sure go work at Wal-Mart. It's on the list of one of the best places to work, I gather. Gain pride and strength from fending for yourself. Even if you have to live in a smaller place and do with less you'll be living a better life. If you don't have much money, go to Legal Aid and get help with the divorce. You should get some assets and possibly some alimony to help out - don't just sign a do-it-yourself divorce form and walk away with nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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