lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Hey everyone, So I still live at home. I'm nearly 17 yrs old and have been seeing my bf for just over 7 months. My mum when we first starting going out, was making me come home from his house at 12am weekends and 10pm weeknights, didn't bother me at first, but now 7 months into a relationship, a steady relationship, she is STILL making me come home at those curfew times. Now get this, my bf live 2 minutes up the road. We have been friends with my bf's family for about 7-8 yrs and she knows him well (it's not like he's done anything to loose her trust). Why the hell is she doing this?? Last weekend I went up to his house on Saturday night and we didn't even realise but we fell asleep and didn't wake up till morning. My mum went ballistic even after I explained that we fell asleep. She's like "Well, you should put an alarm on so you wake up!!" What the hell??? Now, she already knows that we're sexually involved (SHOCK HORROR! Like she's NEVER had sex!) and we've already done anything that mum might not be happy about by 12am, so what's a few hours more????????? We're not nocturnal or anything, we DO sleep! This is beyond a joke and my bf hates her and hates coming around to my place, only when he picks me up. I haven't talked to her about this yet, but I'm planning to! I'm on the pill, we're both very safe in out actions, do you think that's what she's worried about? Why would she be? She knows I would freak out if my bf suggested anything remotely unprotected...which he doesn't anyway, he's just as safe concious as me! if this isn't what she's worried about, then what is it?? She's so controlling and I hate it! I just want to move out! Me and my bf are going to the snow in August when he gets his licence and mum's said a couple of times "well, did you think about if he didn't get his licence, you'll have to stay at home won't you?" It's like she wants me to be a hermit!! I even asked if I could go to a concert (even an under 18's) and she said no! This is really starting to get to me! My main concern here is not being able to stay at my bf's house. Why???? It's really annoying when we're just trying to relax and we're constantly looking at the time. Then my bf's usually "Come on, Tess, its' time for you to go back to the dragon's den." It's just a hassle when he lives UP THE ROAD!! Sometimes we're just so tired it's so hard getting up and leaving. I understand her wanting to come home on weeknights so I'm not tired for work but all I ask is she let me stay over friday and saturday nights, what's the big friggen deal???!?!?!?!?! Please help me get out of this rut, my mother is a controlling B*TCH!! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Get yourself a job and pay your own rent! Problem solved. Geez. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 If you were my daughter I would be the same way. Have a little respect for her. If you want to be treated like an adult - start thinking and behaving like one. Your mother is a person too and it sounds like you have no care or concern for her or her feelings or needs at all and its all about you. Sex might be all that is on your mind, but I assure you -- it is not ALL that is on her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Get yourself a job and pay your own rent! Problem solved. Geez. Try reading my thread again, I DO have a job, and I DO pay rent each week..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 If you were my daughter I would be the same way. Have a little respect for her. If you want to be treated like an adult - start thinking and behaving like one. Your mother is a person too and it sounds like you have no care or concern for her or her feelings or needs at all and its all about you. Sex might be all that is on your mind, but I assure you -- it is not ALL that is on her mind. I'm sorry if I came across as a bit of a spoilt brat, I'm not. My mum and I get along great 80% of the time. I just...argh....it makes me so angry. I guess I'm just like any teenager. a 17 yr old mind and a 43 yr old mind just DON'T understand eachother. I really do TRY to understand why she's doing it, but I can't. I really don't understand. I was talking to my bf's mum and dad about it and they both don't understand it either. They both reckon that weekends shoudln't be that big of a deal and they're pretty strict parents, much they same as mine. So if sex isn't on her mind - then what is? When it all comes down to it, why won't my mum let me stay over my bf's house on a weekend when we live 2 minutes away from eachother and we've been seeing eachother for a fairly long time now??? What is the probelm? Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Try reading my thread again, I DO have a job, and I DO pay rent each week..... Well, then get your own flat, or whatever you call a place with a roof. Geeze. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Well, then get your own flat, or whatever you call a place with a roof. Geeze. It's not as simple as that. I wish it was. For one, I don't have my licence or a car yet, I'm still on my L's so that's going to be a bit of a hassle. I'm only on 17 yr old wages so it's not enough to support myself on my own. I'm paying $50 board (rent) a week and even that along with other expenses is pretty hard. I'm not ready to move out or anything yet, I just want a little bit of freedom. I know parenting can be hard as far as decisions go, but it just feels like I can't do anything. She says no so many times it just feels like I stay at home and don't do anything most weekends. She's told me few times that because I'm the youngest out of my 2 other sisters that she finds it a bit harder to let go of me. Both of my other sisters have moved out of home and quite far away, and you know what? Both of them moved out due to the stress and what it was like to live with her. I speak to both of them and they both say that mum was the main contribution to them moving out of home....what's that telling you? I don't know. I just seem to be disagreeing with her ways so much lately. Do you think it's because I'm the youngest? Is that why? I know later down the track I'll thank her for it (well, she says I will) but right now, I'm a teenager. I'm not 43 yrs old, like my mum. I just want a little freedom! Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 If you were my daughter, you wouldn't have to be concerned for long about when freedom would be yours. I'd pack your bags for you.... I think if you were truly faced with that, it would be the point at which you would decide it's not really too hard to live by your mom's rules... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 If you were my daughter, you wouldn't have to be concerned for long about when freedom would be yours. I'd pack your bags for you.... I think if you were truly faced with that, it would be the point at which you would decide it's not really too hard to live by your mom's rules... And I DO live by her rules, I really do. We live on a farm and along with the inside jobs I do which is the dishes every morning and night, the cooking every second night, the washing every saturday, there are outside jobs which is feeding the animals, vet checking the animals, training horses, herding sheep, cows etc. I do all these chores plus more and I have never not done them. I do them all without complaining. My dad works away during the week, so I'm constantly helping my mum seeing as it's just me and her. I don't consider myself a bad daughter, and I don't consider her a bad mother, hey, I'm grateful for the way she's brought me up, but I'm getting older now, I guess this means I have a few decisions that I would like to make. I respect her. I'm not trying to bad mouth her, I'm sorry if it came across that way, it's just sometimes hard to understand some of her ways, just the same as she finds it hard to understand mine. We have our differences, and I usually put up with them, and there are ALOT of rules in our house that I always abide by, but this is just one that I'm finding hard to understand. I'm still coming home at the right time, apart from that one night that we both accidently fell asleep, I just don't know why she's got this rule. What has she got to be worried about? Honestly, she should have nothing to worry about...I know I'm not a mother so I wouldn't know, but....(sigh) Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I think you have a fair point. At 17, and in a stable relationship, I don't actually see what the big issue would be about you staying over the night. You've been grown up enough to tell her the truth about where you are, not lie to her (it seems), and have admited you have a sexual relationship. Since you're already doing that, it seems slightly pointless to refuse to let you stay over at his house, especially since she knows both him and his family, his family approve and you are a very short distance away. However, that said, as the other posters say, regardless that you pay rent, when you are in your parents house, you have to abide by their rules. Have you had an adult conversation with her as to why you are not allowed to stay over? What makes her so uncomfortable with it? Could his parents try talking to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I thought the Father was usually the over-protective party in this sort of case! The taboo subject of shagging daddy's little girl & all that I don't actually see any mention of your Father in the thread? Is it just you and your Mum living together? What do you mean "What the hell???" Falling asleep, and failing to contact your Mum is irresponsible. Her anger was probably due to fear for your safety and worry more than anything else. How can you be expected to be treated like an adult if you act like this? LK has a good point, regardless that you pay rent, when you are in your parents/Mothers house, you have to abide by their rules. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 You say that she knows you are sexually active. That is different than saying she approves of you being sexually active. Does she? Maybe she's concerned that the two of you will get more serious than she thinks is the best at this point. She's still your mom, and she is thinking in terms of what she thinks is in your best interest. While you are still living with her, that's her main concern. She still feels that you are her responsibility. Maybe she's had some life experiences that make her feel that a line should be drawn, and staying the night is a good line to draw. Can you talk to her about it without demanding she change her mind? Try to understand it from her point of view, even if you don't agree. Even though you disagree with her decision, try and remember that she is insisting on this because she thinks it's best for you. You'll come to appreciate that later in life, even though you think she's going about it in the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I just...argh....it makes me so angry. I guess I'm just like any teenager. a 17 yr old mind and a 43 yr old mind just DON'T understand eachother. Believe it or not your mum was 17 once too Despite the fact that 80% of the time your relationship with your Mum is warm and caring, issues of independence and increasing conflict are obviously emerging now you're a teenager. These two connected issues may cause you concern as you try to figure out how to handle them, but try not to get angry with your Mum, stay calm & try to remember she only has your best interests at heart. Sorry, I missed the fact about you Father, ignore my last question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Thank you to everyone for their contirbution. All of your points we're really good and it's made me think a bit...ok, alot. And I don't really have anything to object to now, I can understand mum's point of view... Yeah, mum is ok with me being in a sexual relationship. She knows I'm on the pill and has said she's cool with it as long as I'm cautious. And I am. Trust me, I do NOT want a kid at this point in time. Waaay too young. I don't get angry AT her, cos I know she doesn't need that, I just get angry when I'm on my own. I don't want to take it all out on her, because I realise, well, we both realise, that it's a bit harder for her during the week when dad's not home. I think she feels alot more pressure when it's just her with all the responsibility. I do all my chores and help out as much as I can, and she knows that, it's just hard for her. So I was talking to the bf last night and said to him maybe it's time to cool off about mum and just deal with it. I mean, my parents are always going to be there, so for now, I should be grateful for what I've got... I really am, it's just I feel as though I have alot of pressure on me as well. I do all my chores, inside and outside with the animals and it still seems as though she gets snappy with me if I forget to brush the horse, or sweep out the shed, or something minor. I guess that's just brought on by the stress. ANYWAY, I'm going off topic. So my bf agreed that it's not that he hates her, he just gets frustrated having to come get me then take me home all the time. He said he just wishes he could have one night off where we wouldn't have to keep looking at the clock. He respects her rules, he just doesn't understand why this rule has been brought on. BUT, in saying that, YES they are the rules, and mum's always said to me that as long as I live in her house, I abide by HER rules. Fair enough. Dad, well, dad does get pretty worried and that as well, but mum's sort of the boss in the house, so dad just lets her take care of it I guess. He still gets angry with me and I still have the same relationship with him as I do with mum, not any more distant or anything like that, just, well, mum's the boss. Yeah, She and dad both always remind me that the reason they worry and are so strict is because they care. It's funny, so many things you have all said, mum always says to me. AHH! I'm surrounded by parents! So I guess I was a little worked up when I wrote my first thread, and I've cooled down a bit now. Rhys (bf) and I are going to talk to mum soon and try and come to a compromise. Anything I should say to her or do to make things a bit easier?? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Well, part of the problem is your mother if she is not communicating with you. Your reply to my post was mature and intelligent. It's up to your mother to talk with you and not at you and explain her reasons - whatever they are - even if she thinks you might not understand. That responsibility is on her. If you have approached her with the same maturity and willingness to listen and respond that you've shown here, then it does sound like your mother is having some difficulty in recognizing that you are growing up. You said you are the youngest and that could be a big part of it. She's not ready to let you go. You might just have to bear with her and continue to show her that you are capable of making your own decisions and that it doesn't mean you don't love her - that you will take what you have learned from her with you. Also, you said she's 43 - she may be menopausal. If that's the case a lot of the 'bitchiness' could be her hormones talking - they wreak havoc on our emotions and our state of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Also, you said she's 43 - she may be menopausal. If that's the case a lot of the 'bitchiness' could be her hormones talking - they wreak havoc on our emotions and our state of mind. She is....shouldv'e probably put in that detail. She's on tablets and all that and has gotten better since it first started. But like I said, she still snaps over minor things and when she's having a bad day and I've done all my chores and she's getting dinner ready or tidying up, I'll ask her if she needs a hand, and she always snaps back with something like "Now, why would I need YOUR help? I'm not capable enough? I'm FINE, Tess! Go and have a shower!" or something like that. Of course I've tried to help but she usually ends up getting a bit physical (nothing serious) but will push me and scream "Have a shower NOW!" So I proceed to the bathroom. Of course this doesn't happen on a regular basis but when it does is usually when I go to my room and scream into my pillow. The most annoying part is when dad gets home on a weekend, she is as nice as pie. And I've tried talking to dad about the way she is, and he thinks I over-react,...cos he doesn't see that woman on the weekend. He sees her all happy and chirpy. I know this is probably brought by, once again, the stress of being on her own, but anyway..... Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Maybe your Mum depends on you much more than you realise? It's just the two of you most of time and It sounds as if her life would be much more difficult and possibly lonely without you there. She may just be scared of losing you. Once you and your boyfriend start spending the whole night together you are going to get a whole load closer, it will become much more about intimacy and your relationship will deepen. Pretty soon you will probably want to spend the night together more and more often. If you relly don't think the fact that you and your boyfriend are having sex, why not suggest the possibility of him spending the night with you at home? Preferably planning it in advance, maybe after a special occasion? It might feel a bit weird being in the same house as your Mum at first, but you wouldn't have to have sex until you feel comfortable with it. It might help your Mum to feel she is still in charge and that you are still there and know that you are safe. It might also help you to get what you really want, which is to start spending the night with your boyfriend even if it isn't quite how you imagined it happening! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 Hmmm....that will never happen. It's always been a rule in the house that when a boy comes over 1) you can't take him into your room and shut the door and 2) they can't stay over unless they are in a different room (and this is usually in our granny flat which is like 50 mtrs away from the house...) And, no, I'm not allowed to move into the granny flat cos it's for when we have visitors ONLY. Lol, but I've tried to ask her a few times and just gave up cos the answers always no. No no no no.... Hmmm...but like I said Rhys and I are going to talk to her sometime this wk and see what happens... Back to one of my previous questions...what do you thik would be the BEST way to say/ask it to her? Like, what would I say? "Mum, can I start staying over Rhys's house on weekends?" The answer will be probably no. So surley there's got to be a better way to break it to her/try and discuss it?? Any tips? Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I'd say there is absolutely no pint in asking the same question over and over again, because as you say the answer will probably alwas be the same. I doubt there is anyway you could ask her that would be different. What you need to do is to try and get her to see things from your poit of view, and show her that you ae approaching this in a mature way and it deserves some reconsideation. She wont change her view overnight, why should she, you just asking her again isn't going to give her any new insight into how you feel. The only way you are going to make any progress is to talk about it. Over the course of sometime. I would also recommend that this is a conversation you need to have with just your Mum, keep your boyfriend out of it. Your Mum needs to be able to feel comfortable that this is what you want and I can also guarantee you your Mum is probably not going to want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with your boyfriend about the two of you having sex, however nice he may be and however ok she might be about the situation! In my experience as the oldest child, the rules that were rigid for older siblings can often be more relaxed for the youngest if a compromise is agreed. I'd say you are being unrealistic about bringing about such a big change in your Mum's attitude quickly and you really should ty and move forward in stages....having your boyfriend to stay over in the granny flat sounds like a really good start to me and I would suggest you start the converstaion with something like...."Mum I know you are dead against me and Rhys spending the night together , but he really is special to me and I'd really like to think in time you might reconsider? How about he stays over some tme in the Granny Flat and you could start to get to know him a bit better?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 Hey, you got some good points there... So I'll try those things. My only arguement is that mum has known Rhys for 6 - 7 yrs now, along with his mum and dad and also his younger sister. Our families are reeeeally close and I don't see how much more she needs to know about him... We pretty much are like one family, (both his and ours). Um, but not in a grose in-bred way, we're just really close. Lol But, anyway, her house, her rules, I know, I know. I'll see what happens... Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Of course she knows him! What she needs to get used to is him being with you Good luck! Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 Ok, so I spoke to her last night... I said to her that I understand that she's not happy with the idea of me sleeping at Rhys's and that is there a compromise we can come to? Because really, it's only a few extra hours, I'm 2 minutes up the road, and without being too graphic, anything that we wanted to do, we would do by 12am anyway... The response she gave me nearly blew me away. She told me that to be honest it didn't really bother her if I did. She said that from bringing up me and my other 2 sisters, she just couldn't be bothered anymore. It's not that she doesn't care, she said that she has just used up all her energy with us girls for the last 20 yrs and has had enough. She also said that even though one side of her brain is thinking "whatever, I don't care" the other side is thinking "No, these are the rules and she needs to be brought up respecting these rules". But she said she can completely understand where I'm coming from, but this is just a rule and it's where she draws the line and she believes I should be brought up respecting that. So basically said she doesn't know but will have to wait till dad comes home on the weekend and we'll talk about it. She said that she just lets dad take care of it now, cos she just couldn't be bothered. (this isn't in a bad, uncaring mum way, she is just worn out, by the way) So I have to talk to dad AND mum about it on the weekend. I asked would it be alright if he stayed here and she said yep, as long as it was out in the flat, but Rhys doesn't like that idea, and to be honest, what's the point of him staying over if he's going to be in an entire different room/house, he may as well stay at home. So I have to wait until Dad comes home tomorrow. Hmmm.....I'll let you know how I go... Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Wow! Looking good keeping my fingers crossed. Sounds like your Mum is at the end of her tether though, but it also sounds like she really is abe to see things from your point of view. One word of advice...you are so close, be careful not to push it. It wuld be so much better if you get what you want because your Mum and Dad completely support you, rather than because they just gave in cos they were exhausted. IMHO there is a great deal of point in Rhys staying over in the flat, it's a big breakthrough and accepting the new extended boundaries your parents are agreeing to offerring you is a really sensible move. Also to a Mum or Dad, if Rhys doesn't see the point in staying in the flat it looks a bit like he is only after one thing and has no ability to compromise. Best of luck! x Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 Hmmm...lol no he's not just looking for one thing...lol although it would seem like that to mum and dad. I just mentioned it to him, and haven't said anything to mum about it yet, but it will most likely be brought up tomorrow in our "discussion" Eeek! Oh well, see what happens and whatever happens, happens. I just hope it works out! I have been careful not to oush it and it was really good that we were able to talk about it without us getting tense with each other! So I'll fill you in Monday with the verdict....hmmm... Thanks for all your help by the way. It has helped alot. Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Best of luck lovestruck! I'll be thinking of you:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
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