Dinah Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months, and although we don’t ‘officially’ live together, I’m at his place everyday/night. My boyfriend emails his female friends and talks to them online when I am not around. Most of the time they end up talking about sex or the problems of the women’s relationships. I’ve told my boyfriend in the past that I don’t like the fact that he does it because its disrespectful to me and the fact that I don’t do it, so why should he? One of his female friends is having marriage problems, and spends all day emailing my boyfriend at his work (to which he replys) he sometimes forwards me the emails (in his way of proving the fact he’s “behaving”). But I think the whole situation stinks. He claims he’s trying to help his friend, but I don’t believe him, because he says things like “She would cheat on her husband”, “She’s said she’d like to date me” and all this “vague” comments that I find cross the line. My boyfriend has said he has never cheated on his previous partners (but used to chat online to girls all the time about stuff he deems now “unacceptable”). He’s also had one of his female friends over before when I was working, and never told me about it until a week later (This girl had told him when they were out drinking that to say he was staying at a friends and to come home with her, the following night he had her over for dinner and watched dvds together because he wants to be friends with her!!) My boyfriend tells me he loves me and that this is the only honest relationship hes been in, but I don’t like what he does. Am I just being jealous and paranoid? Or this relationship a sinking ship? Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 hey, i too have jealousy problems in my relationship but i'm happy to say that if something is bothering me to that degree my boyfriend would stop. not that i'm saying that guys should just give up parts of their lives for their girlfriends, but i think your boyfriend should be a little more understanding and put himself in your position. if it bothers you then he should stop inviting these girls over and not telling you about it. if he just has to be friends with these girls tell him you would feel more comfortable if you were around as well. anyway i hoped that helped. Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Sounds like a sinking ship to me. If after talking about it, he still doesn't want to accomodate your wishes, I would get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 If I were you, I would be more concerned of the fact he invited someone back to his home without telling you about it than I would about him emailing or chatting with his females friends. It is perfectly fine IMO to have friends of the opposite sex. I chat and email several of my LS guy friends a day and my SO knows this. He also has female friends he keeps in contact with via the internet. You guys really need to sit down together and set some boundaries for your relationship. This is something that should be done in the beginning of every relationship. This way you both know where each other's comfort zones are. I don't think you should tell him not to email any of his friends anymore, but you should tell him it bothers you that he spends so much time communicating with the opposite sex. Maybe you could suggest having both of your friends of the opposite sex over for dinner or invite them out one night so that you guys will be together and yet still be able to visit with the friends. It isn't ok that he just invited someone over while you were gone. Is this women someone he knew before or did he just meet her one night while out drinking? Link to post Share on other sites
audmc911 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 My boyfriend emails his female friends and talks to them online when I am not around. Most of the time they end up talking about sex or the problems of the women’s relationships. I’ve told my boyfriend in the past that I don’t like the fact that he does it because its disrespectful to me and the fact that I don’t do it, so why should he? It's called emotionaly infidelity. I just broke up with my boyfriend because of it. I would bet that he talks about your relationship with them. As I have read on here many times, if the roles were reversed, how would he feel. If he doesn't care, and those friends are more important to him than you are, you will never be in a committed relationship with him and it's time to move on. As painful and hard as it is - I just did! Hurray! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dinah Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 Thanks for the advice, I sometimes think that there is no hope for this relationship. I am gonna wait it out for a while. Give it another month or so to see where things go. Is this wrong? I guess I've always been a jealous person, but on here I read someone say something like "You can not stop anyone from cheating, if they are gonna cheat, they will". I guess I am ok with these odds atm. Keep ya posted. Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 This isn't just about the possibility that he may cheat on you. It is also about respect and self-respect. That he would have another girl over to his place when she had asked him to come to her place while drinking, and for you to accept this is sending him a bad signal which says "Doormat - feel free to wipe your feet anytime". If you insist on giving it another month, at least be firmer with him about what you expect from his behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dinah Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 We had a really big chat about things last night, he said things really boil down to the fact that he shows me his emails, his mbl phone, his computer...and that should be enough for me to prove that nothing is going on, and that I should just trust him. Any thoughts? I think what really goes on in my mind, do people in healthy relationships talk about what they dont like/the possibility to breaking up etc????? Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 It really depends what role he's playing in these emails... and like others I would be more concerned about the fact someone stayed at his house without me knowing. Just to give you an idea, my best virtual buddy is a guy in the USA (I'm in the UK). I exchange emails and IM with this guy at the very least every day. The part I play in his life is advisor and he in mine. Basically, we're friends. I would absolutely NOT give this guy up if it was demanded of me. You know why...? I've emailed this guy for the last 2 years and throughout that time both of us have been in some pretty awful messes and seen each other through them because sometimes an outside perspective helps. In alot of ways, email provides a way of talking to your friend about a significant problem and airing it without it getting out all over the place. IMHO it's not much different from airing your problem on a forum... just a bit more private (although if you're careful with ID then it shouldn't be a problem). The difference comes when his role or hers is more meaningful. That is in a romantic sense. For example, if my friend lived right next door, I wouldn't date him. Do you see the difference here...? The girl may have said she would date your guy - but would he date her...? What role is he playing...? IMHO if it is MORE than an advisory role (and if you have seen all the emails and convos then you would know) then your demands are justified... as someone says, it is emotional infidelity. If he's only being a friend... then IMHO you're probably being a bit paranoid and not really trusting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 I think his behavior crosses the line, IMO. I have guy friends and we might chat every day, but we don't "flirt". I don't condon any discussion of sex with my guy friends that include ME into the action. He can discuss his lack of sex life, his great sex life, his job, his last date, anything... as soon as it includes me in as a potential sexual partner, then I feel it crosses the line. It is my responsibility in a committed relationship to reinforce the boundaries if they are crossed. Either by restating not to take the discussion there, or worst case scenario, cutting the friend from my life. I do this for two reasons. I try to act the way I would want my SO to act with his female friends. (he doesn't have any, but if he did.) Second, there's too much temptation and it creates an easy way out if the relationship should get tough. He has a fan club waiting for him to become dissatisfied with her and they'll swoop in. He's stating this is "the only honest relationship hes been in". He may never "cheat", but that doesn't mean he isn't collecting groupies so that after a big fight he'll break up with her for a roll in the hay with one of them. It instills doubt into the OP's mind as to his investment into their future. If he has 3 female friends proclaiming their willingness to satisfy his "needs" should he feel inclined to take them up on the offer, then what would make the gf feel he'd fight to keep their relationship going through the hard times. It causes a person to feel shaky. Insecure. So although she may not believe he'd cheat on her, and may have no reason to feel insecure or jealous on that aspect. He's still creating insecurity of a different nature by continuing such close contact with these women. And he is condoning a more intimate nature to his frienships by allowing the women to verbally include him into their sexual desires. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Dinah, he's cheating on you already. Either live with it or find someone else that can make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dinah Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 Hmm, its been an interesting weekend, we had another chat before...and for the record, I dont believe he is cheating on me (other than him at work, he doesnt spend anytime away from me). But do I think we have a future? Hmm, I dont know. I just dont think that I want to throw something away too prematurely yet. Or am I just being naiive?? Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Dinah: you are not being naiive. You are using the magical power of denial. You will continue to lie to yourself until you are dragged down to your emotional gutter. Then, you may, just may, consider leaving him (only after catching him cheating left and right, him swearing that things will be different and you giving him 3000 chances to correct himself). After that, you will find another guy just like him to replace him. Love ya! *On edit: it only takes about 38 seconds to have sex, so the "he's always with me" justification is not sound, in my experience, babe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dinah Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 He asked me to move in last night, not just "staying over". He said that me moving back in with my parents and then only seeing him a few nights a weeks would make the relationship go backwards. Am I making a mistake? Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Purspeed to the rescue: Allow me to use my psychic powers...you hinted that the relationship may not be right for you. He responded by asking you to move in. You see, the more you pull away, the more he will chase you and be in to you. The more comfortable he feels, the less interested he is in you (because the fascination wears off) and the more attention he seeks from other women. So, if you move in, you are pretty much guaranteed to suffer at the hands of his low self-esteem. Re-read my above posts for more information. Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 There is something in this whole story that reminds me of how I treated an ex gf of mine. I already said he is going to treat you like a doormat, and now he has asked you to move in which is also something I did my my ex gf at the time. Let me tell you about it.... I was never crazy about this gf and treated her accordingly. She was crazy about me and for some strange reason considered me to be her best boyfriend ever (which made me wonder what kind of jerks she normally had). Anyway I was honest with her about most things, like I told her I wrote emails to other girls on the internet, and told her I had girls I was friends with. I figured I had nothing to loose, if she didn't like it she would leave and I would not be so upset, and if she accepted it then great I could keep establishing new relationships, but enjoy the fruits of having a girlfriend when I wanted to. (We did not live together). When she came over to my house I even had photos of one of the girls I was chasing on top of my book case in the lounge room. Somehow this sounds similar to me to your story. I didn't treat her good, and your bf is not treating you good. Later we must have had a fight about something or maybe her living circumstances changed, and it was obvious that it made sense for her to move in with me. So I asked her to. The next night she stayed over and I it dawned on me that I was doing the completely wrong thing as I sat eating dinner with her, having absolutely no idea what to talk about. So I broke up with her. Lucky for us both. Maybe your bf will do the same, but I would not count on it. Don't take the chance. Personally I would not stay as his gf, but if you do its your choice, but really don't move in with him. Link to post Share on other sites
justpassingthrough Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 There is something in this whole story that reminds me of ... ... the guy I just fired, and it sounds eerily like John's story. When we started dating former BF was seeing five other girls. F-i-v-e. Plus he had a whole host of female friends - all of whom he kept in touch with via phone, IM, and email. Female friends? Well, a person's got to have friends, right? To an extent. Here's the "female friends" breakdown: A: Met her in a cybersex chatroom several years ago. Drove four hours, to another state, to meet her and her friend. He says when she saw him she said, "Eeeuuuu." Nonetheless, and even though they've only laid eyes upon each other once, they still called, emailed, and IM'd each other regularly. Her picture was - and I'm sure still is - proudly displayed on his refrigerator. The crux of their friendship? Well, according to him, she's been severely emotionally damaged by past relationships and turns to him when she needs someone to talk to about her severe emotional damage. B: Neighbor of his parents. Pill addict and former fling. Turns to him when she needs someone to talk to about her abusive/child molesting ex - who happens to have custody of their children. C. Former schoolmate living on the other side of the country. Alcoholic. Turns to him when she needs someone to talk to about her marriage falling apart because of her infidelity. D. Former girlfriend who moved to another state. Alcoholic. Turns to him for deep, meaningful conversation, particularly about how she's coping with her latest boyfriend doing time for molesting her son. E. Former girlfriend who was also his cousin and her husband's former girlfriend. (Yes, I said AND.) Their boyfriend/girlfriend relationship terminated when she stole money from him. Theft is, evidently, reason enough to stop having sex with someone but not reason enough to move them out of a person's life. The list goes on. How many male friends did former BF have? One. Until that friend stole from him. Then zero. Remotely "healthy" female friends are one thing. But, over time and because I refused to accept the secrecy of their friendship, he began to disclose their psychological make-up and what they were gettiing out of the friendship in order to defend the friendship, he had to go. Nut job female friends are not acceptable. There's too much potential for stupidity. My advice? Lose him and lose him quickly. It's not going to get any better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dinah Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 I cant believe this is my life...I found out I am pregnant tonight. I'm still in shock. There is a chance that there could be birth defects because of the medication I take - it shouldnt be taken by pregnant women - and I dont know what to do. The doctor says that there will probably be grounds for an medical termination, regardless of my choice. My boyfriend doesnt want to keep it, it says our relationship and he isnt ready and that he wants a termination. I dont know what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I'm so sorry Dinah you're going through this. *hug* Do you have family who will help you? Even if you don't want to turn to them, if there's even a remote possibility they'd be understanding I think you should talk to them. I never thought my parents would be as supportive of me as they have been, but I wouldn't have found out if I had kept things hidden from them. They really surprised me, and we're closer because of it. What do you want? Not what anyone else thinks or wants, but what do you want? Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Tell me that you have some good friends or family members (be careful here) that can support your decision and health? You need to respect the man's wishes, along with your medical professional and your own judgment. Anyone giving you advice here at this point is unethical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dinah Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 I have family and some friends that will be very good with this. I broke up with my boyfriend last night, he said he wants to wait after this is all done to re-evaluate our relationship. I already know that it is going to end. He doesnt want to be with me, and I dont want to be with someone who thinks he can do better in time. I love him, and I care for him. I just cant be with someone who doesnt treat me properly. I am going to have a scan tomorrow, and go back to the doctors - he wasnt even that interested in coming until I told him that I need him to be there. Hopefully in about 28hours or so, the fate of my life is gonna be decided. On some level, yes I do want this child, and I honestly didnt think until now that I would have an abortion. But I guess it comes down to if the child has health problems then I think I will have a termination. If its ok - then I will have to think about if I can handle having a child at the moment (I'm 21 and about to start my Masters degree in a few weeks.) The guy involved with this isnt a bad guy, I truly believe that. I just dont think I should be in a relationship with him if he cant commit fully to me and treat me with the respect that I deserve. Keep you guys posted.... If anyone has been in a similar situation and can over me some advice, I would like to hear it. You can email me at [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts