but he never calls me beautiful..

[megnog]

okay, so I've read a few threads about cheating and jealousy and I've got to say this is probably going to sound really stupid compared to what I've seen but I'm a really jealous person and always have been ever since my first serious relationship. I was hoping I'd grow out of this at some point but maybe I will because I'm only 19

 

Anyway, I've been dating this guy for over two years and at this point I feel like I know him, I know who he is and what he is about. I don't think he'd cheat on me, but of course I'm still going to have my doubts. So he signed up for a myspace account a few months ago because I had one and he was convinced I was using it as a dating service. That is complete bulls*** because I did not once try to hook up with anyone on there. Well, I looked at his inbox on his myspace account and he had a few e-mails he had sent to girls with a subject line "Hello beautiful", and I'd skimmed the email but he was basically hitting on her. It's stupid because APPARENTLY flirting is harmless, but it isn't to me. It kills me. Especially because I felt like I knew him. I didn't think he would do that. He is a guy and I guess I should only assume but it pisses me off because he accused me of using it as a dating service when actually, he was. I kind of freaked out and lashed out on him and well we got into a physical fight with one another <bad..>.

I am still with him but I can't enjoy my time spent with him because thoughts keep running through my mind. It happened so recent that I'm sure it will go away with time, I just don't know what to do. I feel so stupid..

[lovestruck234]

Hey,

 

Just before I begin, I'm just letting you know that I'm that jealous type too. I have pretty much the same thoughts as you as far as cheating goes etc., about my bf so your not alone! And I've come to realise that although I wish I wasn't so jealous and that it annoys the hell out of me, I find it convinces me just how much I care for that person. Getting worked up over them shows how much you care, although sometimes it's hard to see.

 

So, of course if I was in your situation I'd be fuming right now. First things first, don't feel stupid. You have every right to be feeling pissed off. So you freaked out, lots of people would do that. What did you say to him? How did it end up in a fight?

 

I don't really know the full situation but from what I can make out, your very much like me. Try talking to him again and maybe try compromising.

 

If it helps, maybe both of you could give up myspace if it's going to be causing this much conflict. (cos it would be unfair just for him to give it up). But anyway, it's up to you. I reckon you should talk to him, sort it out. Just tell him how you feel. Tell him you react the way you do cos you love and care for him. You're not doing it to cause fights. Just tell him how you feel and that you don't like it. Ask him what he thinks and see if things get better from there!

 

Talking about stuff really is the best way to sort it out, then once you do, move on so as not to keep bringing it up and causing that constant knot in your stomach.

Good luck, hope this helped!

[megnog]

hey thanks so much for responding, I really appreciate your advice. It's good to know that I'm not the only one out there that is driven nuts by these things. I don't even know how our fight began but I left scratch marks on his face and I have a scratch/bruise on my forehead. We did talk and my first reaction was to break up with him. but then I thought about it and I don't think its worth losing him. I just wonder what else he gets into.. and throughout the whole two years I have found bits and pieces.. like long dark hairs on his computer chair.. and a stocking in his bed....

He claims the hair is his moms and the stocking was in his laundry mixed in with his sisters.

 

well saying that out loud (or typing it i mean) makes me feel like a dumbass. jeez.

anyway yeah maybe we should quit myspace together but i just plain don't want to do it. its my only connection with all my friends because i don't hang out with them much anymore.

alright well thanks for your help again. bye

[BareGoddess]

Pardon me for saying so, but I think the jealousy is the LEAST of your problems. The BIG red flag in your relationship is the physical fighting. I mean, really! Scratch marks on his face? Bruises?

 

Usually that type of thing just gets worse over time. You need to seek help for that type of behavior or dump him. Some people CAN bring out the worst in us, you know?

[lovestruck234]

Hey,

 

So BareGoddess has a pretty fair point there, PHYSICAL fighting isn't very good. Especially if he's hurting you...

 

So maybe try and sort something out in that department.

 

As for the "evidence" you find around the house. I would probably react the same, seeing as I'm that jealous type, but usually when I find out what it is, I feel like the dumbass too! I am starting to trust him heaps now and it relieves so much pressure. Sure, I still have that constant knot in my stomach, but I know he loves me, or he woudln't be with me. And I've talked about this to him, and its really good, cos I can usually tell him all the things that's been bothering me, and vice versa, and then it's done.

 

He stops whatever it was, and so do I.

 

It's a give and take on both parts in a relationship. That's what I've learnt a well. My bf has admitted to me that he even gets jealous/pissed off if another guy LOOKS at me. He reckons any guy would want me and something better is going to come along one day and take me away. I assure him that's not the case, but just knowing this makes me feels o much more secure knowing that he is that protective of me! Although we both get the s***s about it from time to time, we're gettin better!!

 

So, I reckon try and talk to him AGAIN and definitely cut out the physical fighting. Leave that for a punching bag! That's not good and imagine if you keep going, like BG said, it'll only get worse!

 

 

Good luck!

[megnog]

okay okay.. yeah the physical fighting thing should stop.

and this sounds bad but he does physically hurt me from time to time when hes mad at me. i don't know what came over me when i started it this time. maybe i'm used to violence now??

but its not like that...

hes a really sweet guy. and i sound like one of those girls that gets beat up and says "oh but he says he loves me afterwards and that hes so sorry"

its not like that.

i mean i think he definately has problems, he was beat by his dad growing up.

but this scenerio itself i think he was trying to defend himself. i mean... i hate to say this, but i DID kick him in the nuts. thats when it got bad for me.

but thats not the point! we are getting so off subject here.

yeah, he gets jealous when other guys look at me. but i want to say "I DONT LOOK BACK! " i'm not the one initiating anything so i feel like he shouldn't be bothered.

but i suppose if a girl was hitting on him i'd still get jealous. it just doubles my jealousy and adds some anger if i see HIM being the one hitting on other girls. isn't that just wrong? or is that normal?

i guess thats my big question

there are some "cool girlfriends" out there who don't mind. and i so badly want to be that way, but i'm not. i don't want him to look at anyone but me, i don't want him to like anyone but me. ughh so hard...

[lovestruck234]

Ha ha ha ha I'm EXACTLY the same as you. I don't want him to even TALK to another girl but me. BUT, in reality, that's not what's going to happen.

 

I've even said to him "I don't want any other girl to look at you except me!" We joke about it, (even though deep down I'm serious) and he's the same, we both know how we feel about each other, which makes it not as bad.

 

If he hates guys looking at you, there's a sure sign he's pretty much into you an no-one else. BUT, on the contrary, you mentioned he's hitting on other girls, are you sure he's hitting on them? Cos remember, the jealous thing can make you over-analyze things a bit. I do. Next time he does it, just say jokingly "I saw you hitting on that girl, what's she got that I don't? 3 tits?" Just as a joke and see what he says. I say that to my bf and he just gives me a big hug and tells me I'm the sexiest thing that walked the planet, so it's all good.

 

I'm telling you know, this guy obviously doesn't have any intention of leaving you or getting with another girl, cos he wouldn't be with you if that was the case. Guys usually get outta the kitchen if they can't stand the heat.

 

Ok, the physical fighting. It's going to stop right now. Don't initiate it, and don't let him do it to you. Him being beat up as a kid would of for sure messed him around a bit, but that gives him NO right to hit you.

 

I understand what your saying as far as being one of those girls who gets beat up and says "but he loves me". Yes. He does. But even though it might seem like nothing right now, or your used to the violence, it still HAS TO STOP. What if one day he gets really angry and doesn't realise his strength and hurts you...critically?? It's not "I guess i'm used to the violence" then, is it?

 

NO. tell him it's going to stop and you don't deserve being hit by your own BF who's meant to LOVE YOU. No, its unacceptable, and not only on his, but on your behalf too. No more fueling the fire. Keep your hands (and FEET!) to yourself. Tell him too aswell.

 

Maybe even after you sort out this, things might ease up a bit.

 

[BareGoddess]

You're clearly in denial about the violence. It will only get worse. Read that again and again and remember it. It WILL get worse. You're playing with fire with this guy. He has control issues. Be careful.

[megnog]

thats the thing, lovestruck, he can still hate guys looking at me and be lusting for someone himself. see, i don't think hes that much of a piece of s*** but then i think about it and i'm like.. well he is a guy..

and i know thats a sad statement but thats what i've gathered from my 19 years of being here on earth, that guys are only interested in sex with females. and half of me is like "ok, that can't be true.." but the other half is like "of course its true, thats how guys are"

 

anyway i just have serious doubts and i can't enjoy time spent with him when good looking girls are around us. not like at a movie theatre or something stupid, i mean at a party talking to us and her tits are hanging out and hes smiling and talking to her and i'm thinking about ANYTHING but how i love him. i'm thinking about how i'm mad at him for talking to her. but i can't get mad at him for talking to someone. thats so s***ty. but i end up getting mad anyway and taking it out on him and i'm going to push him away, i know it.

 

<moving on>

you said "he just gives me a big hug and tells me I'm the sexiest thing that walked the planet"

and thats very cute that your boyfriend says that. i just don't think mine is very smooth like that. like he will compliment me from time to time i just don't think hes ever said anything that made me catch my breath or something...

 

anyway it seems like BG is concerned for me and i appreciate that. there was a time where i was really scared of him and i sat him down and told him "NO MORE!"

and he has kind of stopped. its hard to figure out what to do really because its like.. i'll do something (not on purpose!) to piss him off and s*** keeps triggering it and then all of a sudden he'll just see red and just can't control himself.

it doesn't happen that often though. i don't know. what would you do? i've tried talking to him. and its not often enough to the point where i should break it off.

[BareGoddess]

Meg, you said it's not often enough? ONCE is TOO often. By not leaving him after the FIRST time, you are giving him permission to keep doing it. I'm telling you it will escalate and get more and more often. He's the type that thinks he can do whatever he likes and you have NO right to say anything about it.

 

He will tell you that you provoked him. And you'll start to wonder if it's really YOUR fault that he hits you or pushes you. What a crummy boyfriend. You've got yourself a real loser, Meg.

 

I am very concerned about you. If you were my daughther I'd be crying now. How long have you been going out with him?

 

Please think about leaving this loser before he really hurts you. You were scared for a reason. Your instincts were right. Listen to them.

[lovestruck234]

and i know thats a sad statement but thats what i've gathered from my 19 years of being here on earth, that guys are only interested in sex with females. and half of me is like "ok, that can't be true.." but the other half is like "of course its true, thats how guys are".

 

 

Meg, Meg, Meg. This is called "brainwashing". Yes, sex is what they think about about 95% of the time, but they don't get involved in relationship with someone they respect and care for and even love just for the sex. There's more to it than that.

 

Sure, there are the guys that only want sex, they're usually, well, d*ckheads! But a guy that wants to be involved with you in relationship wouldn't just be asking for sex. yes, guys at that age usually think about sex often, but they won't break up with you or go for another girl if she looks hotter or she's showing more skin than you. He's with you cos you're NOT like that. Cos he trusts you (deep down!!) and knows you wouldn't be going around putting out to every other guy in town.

 

Has he ever cheated on you? I think the only way you can know that is if you see him in action. Otherwise, you can't accuse him of it unless you have proof. You found stockings and traces of female hair around, and he told you the real reason, that's it. There's no more questions.

 

Sometimes being jealous can get a hold of you real bad, and unless you put a LITTLE trust in him, your going to be feeling like this forever and probably end up having thousands of other fights. NOT good.

 

I HATE being as jealous as I am, but I'm getting better now that the relationship coming up to our 6 month anniversary! Lol I know he wouldn't have stuck by me for this long if his intentions were to be with anyone else.

 

I also find it hard to feel at ease when there are hotter girls around than me as well and he's looking at a few of them. I sit there and fume inside, but get over it at the end of the night knowing that he didn't bed any of them. So I've got nothing to worry about. He'll usually channel back to me and give me a kiss or tell me I look hot tonight, so, I feel ok.

 

But if your man isn't giving you compliments, don't stress. When he talks to these other girls, I'm sure he doesn't say something like "nice tits' to them or anything, he's probably just having a chat. Remind him how hot he looks every now and then too.

 

BUT, yes I know how you feel. I get it. Right now you don't think about that. But Meg, it's all in the mind. Your mind is playing games with you. You need to turn up to these parties and think to yourself "I am going to be THE hottest girl at this party tonight" and act like you are. Go and socialise with everyone, including your bf, ENJOY YOURSELF. Don't have so much self-doubt. He loves you, mate!

 

Well, this is a little something I do...I know it's probably inappropriate but I don't care. When we're at a party, or whatever, where I can CLEARLY see him looking at the other ladies in the room, I'll whisper in his ear that I can't wait to get home to show him what I have planned for him, or how horny I am, or something that will make him be thinking about me the whole night. Or even when he's up talking to a girl, I'll go and join in. I don't sit back and pout. It's just a little reminder that "Hey, here's your gf, the one your with, over here!" And most of the time he gets that.

 

 

Ok, a more serious note, this physical fighting business. "He's kinda stopped". NO it should be "he hasn't done it since". If he doesn't stop sometime soon, tell him that your not putting up with it and your out the door next time he does it. Even on a more serious note, warn him with the police or authorities, cos this is abuse and he could get into serious trouble for it. But, for now, tell him that first one, (that you'll walk out the door) and see how he reacts. I reckon his reaction here will show just how much he loves you, and I reckon he'll come running to you with his tail between his legs.

 

Hope this all helped!!

[megnog]

Yeah, I know I don't have any proof that he's cheated on me but I feel like I've been close to it. You'd think after all this time of being together I'd get it through my head but I don't think my doubts will ever be put to an end.

Don't you think they would not have to channel back to us though? They shouldn't even be checking out girls around us. Thats just rude. Whenever I see a good looking guy I look away when I'm around him because I don't want him to feel bad. Sometimes, though, I feel like I should look directly at them just to make him mad..

 

and the thing that would worry me about whispering something dirty in his ear is that he might get horny and then go off with some girl if I'm not around. I don't think he'd do that.. but I do think he would think about it. I guess thats my problem - I don't even want him to think about stuff like that. but thats in incredible favor to ask and quite impossible. PLUS its not like I can read minds so how would I ever know anyway? I'm just so concerned with what he thinks about girls and what he thinks about me that I forget to think about anything else.

 

I don't know, I'm about ready to dump him anyway because I'm so sick of his "sleeping habits". He sleeps whenever the f*** he feels like because he doesn't do anything all day, which of course leaves me in curiosity to where he could be. It also ruins plans that we have.. its so frustrating.

 

Anyway, I think I'm going to tell him. Or well not tell him. but if he does hit at any point from now on because he's mad at me, I'm going to tell him if he doesn't stop I'm leaving him.

But thats just it.. I try to leave him. Infact, we had a real bad fight one time. He hid my keys (he loves to do that like my godamn ferret) so I couldn't leave and his parents even got involved because they could hear me. They made him give me my keys which he finally did and then he begged for me to stay because he knew if I walked out right then, I would never see him again. I Shouldn't have stayed I guess but it was so sad. Anyway now I feel kind of bad for pretty much sharing this to whomever clicks here.. I should stop.

 

I Don't know, I'm just a big mess. I Think its me. I don't think that gives him the right to hit me but I sure as hell deserve something bad because sometimes my behavior is terrible.

 

Anyway.. my last and final question - do people grow out of being jealous? Because I talk to my sister about *some* of my problems and she said as she got older (shes 22) she feels more secure about herself.. will I?

[lovestruck234]

Awww, no, no, no, no. Now you're just over-analyzing.

 

Jealousy is one of the strongest 7 deadly sins. And the fact that your feeling this way is perfectly normal. BUT Get it out of your head that you deserve something bad cos your behaviour is terrible, thats a load of BS! You aren't doing anything wrong here, you simply get jealous. Big deal.

 

So he sleeps all day, does that mean he doesn't have a job? Do you work? If your feeling so worried about it, just ring him maybe once or twice (no more than that, that can be a little annoying) and just see what he's up to, or just ring him to tell him you love him. Something simple. Don't just suspect straight away that he's doing the deed to soemone else.

 

I know, sometimes I feel like that too, that they shouldn't have to channel back to me, BUT it's in human nature to notice a good looking person. Although, I must be a bit weird cos I don' really check out guys (except my sexy boy!) it's usually in a guy's nature to notice a fine lady when they walk past. Doesn't mean they'r going to to jump her! They'll probably think about what she'd look like naked (which is normal) but have you ever seen him walk up a hot girl and start hooking up with her or something? Didn't think so. I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Your bf, like I have said, is with YOU cos he loves YOU. He ADMIRES other girls, and it's perfectly normal to be in relationship and be turned on by someone else, you're pretty weird if you don't! Lol and so this doesn't mean he loves you or is turned on by you any less.

 

I'm kind of running out of advice here cos meg, darlin, your just digging a deeper hole into this. You question something, then you will question that response with another question that questions that question and, phwoar, it gets mighty confusing!!

 

Sometimes I feel lke an IDIOT if we're somewhere and there are hotter girls X100 there than me, and especially if my bf talks to them. But we both know we love eachother and all we want to do is have sex with eachother at the end of the night. I'll talk to guys as well at parties, etc. and I know my bf gets the s***s but he talks to girls just the same. I'm a very happy, outgoing person and sometimes my bf takes that the wrong way when I'm talking to other guys and sees it as flirting. He's told me this and we've sorted it out.

 

Like I've said, it feels SOOO good to talk about it and get it off your chest. One day when your feeling as though it's the right time to talk...TALK. Say to him exactly how you feel. And just how you feel. Don't say "You always flirt with other girls and check them out, I know you think they're hotter than me blah blah blah" cos that's just gunna get him defensive. So instead, say "Sometimes when we're at parties, it makes me feel a little insecure and jealous when I see you talking to another girl, I may be over-reacting but it comes across as though your flirting with them. I trust you, it just makes me feel uneasy." See what the response is. cos really, it's impossible to argue with someone's feelings. Then after you've got everything off your chest, ask him how he feels and if there's anything that bothers him, if so, offer a compromisation.

 

It's clear that your both just as jealous as eachother, and it looks like your bf looks for a way to cope, and this is one of the ways, by talking to other chicks probably takes his mind off it a bit. Even though that's a bit of a sucky coping mechanism, your's is what looks like, flipping out at him. So they're both just as bad as eachother.

 

YES, you do grow out of it....I'm living proof. Well, I'm not completely secure but I'm definitly ALOT better than when we first started seeing eachother. I talk to my mum about it sometimes and she said that with her and dad, it took them yrs to fully feel comfortable and trust eachother. So, this is going to be really bad news to you, but it's a long process. You'll get there though. All these fights you have with your bf, my mum said she was having numerous arguments with dad, and one day they sat down and mum said "Look, are we really meant to be with eachother? AMybe we're just not meant to be. But I love you, and I know you love me, so we have GOT to make this work, cos I can't keep living like this" and she reckons from that day forward the relationship got heaps better.

 

So although this is a rough patch, there is light at the end of the tunnel, right now you only half way there.

 

 

If you love him and you want to make it work, you'll try. And try. And although sometimes it seems hopeless, but it's not.

 

I see the story about the hiding keys incident. HA! This is the perfect example of how much he's dependent on you. It looks like he doesn't realise how much he relies on you when your around, but when it hits him that he may loose you, that's when he crumbles. You may be surprised at just how much he needs you....

 

Don't answer this is you don't want to, but is your "intimate" life still going well? Sometimes this can be a large contribution. I know sometimes when my bf and I haven't had sex in a while, we get pretty edgy and usually end up in an argument. then we just have sex and make up!!

[megnog]

haha yeah i know, i just keep going and going and going. i find the more things we talk about, the more i have troubles to admit. but i do want to thank you for spending time talking with me about my problems. i just joined this place and i absolutely love getting advice as well as giving, even though i doubt i'm that great.. ha

 

anyway yes i work full time and he doesn't have a job. and i call him on my break but half the time he doesn't pick up .. thats where his whole 'i was sleeping' bit comes in. but i guess at this point, since we've been dating for so long, i think i would have caught him by now.

i know that he will find other girls attractive, i just don't want him to imagine dating them. you know.. the grass is greener on the other side. i'm sure he feels that way plenty of times because we've been fighting so much.

 

he tries to talk to me about this stuff which is more than i can say for myself, but it just bugs me even to say this stuff out loud to him because i know its bad. i wish this tunnel would come to the light sooner, i know i'm going to drive him mad. but he seems like he's willing to wait.

 

oh and our intimate life is good. its always been good for the most part. but tonight i went over to his house and not to gross you out but i'm on the rag and we were both kind of heated and well lets just say he got off and i didn't and that was that. i knew there was nothing he could really do about that but i felt kind of used. blah. oh well , thats life. at least i don't get blue balls, ha.

 

anyway i do appreciate your help. i can only hope i get over this stupid jealousy thing. its weird actually because at some points i'm like why the f*** do i even care so much? its so stupid! and then other times i'm like going nuts. i swear there are two very different minds inside of me.

[lovestruck234]

Ha ha ha lol!!

 

Well, I can already see your having a lighter attitude now that you've aired it a bit. See how much difference it makes??

 

Sometimes it IS good to talk, no doubt, I'm a BIG fan of the talking part, but if you go into too much depth about things cos you end up in the mess you were in when this post first started.

 

Well, it's good to know that HE'S the one initiating the talking part. Doesn't that tell you something?? He doesn't want to loose you otherwise he wouldn't be always trying to sort things out. You shouldn't get so worked up when he tries to talk to you about stuff, cos remember you want this to get better just as much as he does...remember that!

 

No no you didn't gross me out. It's good to know that your love life is still strong. That's really good. I don't realise how much my initmate life with my bf affects our relationship until we don't have sex for some reason and we usually end up in a fight. Sex is so important!

And just because you didn't cum, doesn't mean you got used. He was probably so wound up in his pleasure he probably blanked out or something. Don't feel used, seriously! If you still feel used or whatever, suggest you have night where you are dedicated to getting him off, then another night where he's dedicated to getting you off. I do this often...highly recommended!

 

OK, as for him not picking up his phone. There are SOOOOOO many reasons why he couldn't be. And once again you can't suspect anything until you've got proof. That's just the way the cookie crumbles unfortunatley, cos as much as you have serious thoughts about what he's REALLY doing, you have no way of accusing him of anything, so I wouldn't worry about that. I ring my bf when he and I are at work too. He NEVER picks up. EVER. He has not once picked up. BUT, it's cos he gets really busy at work and his boss watches him like a hawk, and I know that, since his boss is his dad so....it's all good.

 

Oh, and for the record, I am like you as far as two different side of me. Sometimes I get worked up , but other times I don't. And those other times are FINALLY starting to take over the "going crazy" times!

 

I know things aren't as easy as ABC but you WILL get through, TRUST ME!! One day that light will show and you'll be like "Wow, that lovestruck chick was actually RIGHT! Ha!"

 

No no no no and NO. Your bf is NOT fantasising being with ANY of these girls. I can tell you that RIGHT now. To be as blunt as I can be, all he's thnking about is probably their tits and their moo-moo. Lol, and that's absolutely NOTHING to be worried about. EVERY SINGLE guy does it. They really did come from the apes. They really ARE animals.

 

Ok, a little self-esteem buidling for you now. Cos by the sounds of things, you haven't got much. your always bashing yourself and this is one of the main causes of this jealousy issue.

 

repeat after me...ahem...."My bf and I are together because we love eachother, and eachother ONLY"

 

"Although I don't look like other girls, it's because I am me, and me is sexy and beautiful in every way possible"

 

And last of all...

 

 

"My bf is AWESOME cos he's with ME and I'm awesome...and awesome people only go out with awesome people, same with hot people and loyal people..."

 

 

Lol, just thought I'd throw in a little humor, cos it's time to look on the BRIGHT side of life, and time to take action and make this relationship work!! :)

 

 

It is a pleasure helping you and giving you advie, by the way...keep it coming!!

[megnog]

yeah i guess talking DOES help. so weird. but it really doesn't help when me and him talk. infact, i find that i really am a bit changed when i'm around him. i can talk about lots of stuff and make jokes and have a sense of humor but if he tries to talk to me about something my mind rejects because hes MY BOYFRIEND i just don't really talk and i think that can make my personality boring. so thats no good, i guess i should work on that? i keep trying to see him as a friend so i don't get offended if he says a joke that i don't like but its hard..

anyway yeah its a good thing hes initiating it. i'm telling you hes really a great boyfriend (to my knowledge.. ) but its me thats ruining what could be a really great relationship.

yeah i think sex is important too but at sometimes i wonder what it'd be like if we just NEVER had sex. i'm not sure if that would make things better or worse. but its too hard, i could never do that lol.

 

well being with these girls/f***ing these girls - its all the same to me. maybe not dating.. but ugh

oh yeah,

and i read in a magazine a while ago that MOST guys have at least ONCE fantasized that they were having sex with somebody else when they were actually have sex with you.

thats a real mind-hurler. blegh. i have never thought him to be somebody else and i can only hope that he hasn't done that. but he probably has. that makes me sick!!

anyway yeah i know i have to work on my self esteem. infact we had this huge conversation the other day because go figure - we were in a fight. and he said sometimes its hard for him to respect me i guess because i don't respect me?

and i find this so true in so many ways but i don't know that i can build up some self esteem soon enough for him to start respecting me. it sucks too because..

well

maybe i should have mentioned this to begin with but i'm 19 and hes 26 -almost 27- and well its hard enough for me because i feel like hes older and has authority. which is not how it should be at all, i just can't help but feel that way. and also i sometimes feel like he treats me like he's my father. which is just creepy really but i think he feels close to the same. he knows he has more power than i do in this relationship and with me being younger and with low self confidence he could be definately subconciously taking advantage of me.

 

well if you like giving advice (you're very good at it) then please do continue lol

[lovestruck234]

Hmmm...the plot thickens....

 

 

Ok, so maybe the detail of the age difference was probably best brought up earlier on...lol, don't worry, we'll still sort it out...

 

So, yes he probably thinks he does have authority over you, but that doesn't mean you can let it happen. Tell him that a relationship is 50/50, and that althought there is a difference is your age, doesn't allow him to take over and think that he can control you. Although I don't believe he's controlling you as such, I think he just feels like he knows more than you, like he's been around longer, and this may be why you don't like talking to him, because from what I can make out, when you talk to him, it will nealy always end up in a fight, and he always "wins"? Am I right?

 

Um, come to think of it, he's nearly 27 and doesn't have a job??? Uh...ahem? His certain behaviour ways could maybe result from him not having a job. I strongly suggest that you suggest to him for him to get a job. This is going to make things so much better, I believe, and I will aleeviate (not spelt right, I know) one more worry of yours, wondering what he's doing all day. Maybe get him to an employment agency, or even just start looking in the paper, something! I really do strongly suggest he gets one. It's not fair he's bludging all day while your out making a living. That's just lazy....

 

Yes, your dead on the mark there with him not being able to respect you cos you don't respect yourself. That's exactly right! Guys find it a BIIIIIIG turn-off when a girl is constantly "Ew, I hate this about myself, I hate that about myself". Not saying you do those things, but if your constantly down on yourself, this is why he probably doens't give you any compliments either. he probably thinks "Oh well, why bother, she'll just be feeling down on herslef again anyway". It's sad to think you have no self-love about yourself, cos your probably a beautiful girl and you just don't know it. Your heading for this thread is "but he never calls me beautiful.." because he doesn't know how. He knows you won't accept the compliment anyway. Start believing people when they tell you nice things about yourself. Cos it will most likely be all true. This is a BIG impact on your relationship and is another reason why your not as close, communication-wise, as you'd like to be. Just try, for him, to start being easier on yourself. Even by you saying that your causing the realtionship to go down-hill, is another put-down on yourself, which is really unessesary. Just think to yourself every day that your with this guy becasue he loves you for YOU. Meg, he is WITH you, and hasn't left you, has he? And I know you can't see it right now, but I really don;t believe he has cheated on you or has any plans to. Really, he doesn't. Yes, sure guys fantasize about other girls (even while he's doing the deed with you) and it's a guy thing. PLEEEASE remember this...just because he fantasizes about other chicks, does NOT mean that he loves you ANY less. Or that he wants to sleep with any of them. And I've got male proof to back that up. Like I said, they're animals. They're not as emotionally-aware as us ladies...Whish unfortunately none of us can change (unless he turns gay!). But I woudln't worry, REMEMBER, jealousy is a...say it with me now...MIND GAME.

 

He should already be your friend anyway. He should be your best friend. My bf is my best friend and I've learnt to take his not-so-funny-actually-quite-offensive-jokes not so seriously now. Cos most of the time, they are just that, a joke. Guys are a pretty sarcastic breed of mammals, so most of the time, I don't take my bf seriously, and when he's trying to be serious, I think he's joking, so either way, it's a lighter approach.

 

Just being with someone and being labelled "girlfriend/boyfriend" doesn't mean that the label "friend" can't come into it as well. Friendship is important too, cos you would know, your friends, especially good friends, you open up more too,...same situation with your bf. If he's your friend as well, you'll find it easier to talk about issues and open up to him more, not just clam it up and block it out. That would be another reason you fight when you both are trying to talk...wait, let me re-phrase, when HE'S trying to talk, cos you said yourself you block it out and don't want to talk...Meg, come on, remember relationshps are 50/50!! He's obviously trying to talk to you and communicate, and you don't care for it. Hmmm...

 

You may find you WILL be able to build yur self esteem up... Here's a litte saying I like to go by in life....

 

If you don't change, you won't change

 

 

Now think about that. You can't sit back and think "No, I've run out of time, I've blown it" cos you haven't. It's obvious YOU want to help this confidence problem of yours, well, HELP it, make it HAPPEN. You are the only one who can, your bf can't, he's already trying, but the only person who truly knows what you want is YOU!! I know you have it in you, and you want to get better, now let it come out, cos underneath that self-loathing, shy and insecure girl is a strong and confindent one. Everyone has it, you just need to let yours shine. Now I'm not going to keep trying to help you with this situation if you aren't willing to participate.

 

When it all boils down to one thing, I believe the reason of all this relationship disaster is because of one thing...insecurity. And you know what? You may find your not alone. Your bf has just as much insecurity as you. You need to realise that as long as you both love eachother, nothing can get in the way of love. I'm living proof of that...if it wasn't for love, I would still be that insecure, jealous girl I was a few months ago. I'm getting better because...I wanted to get better. I was sick of being so damn negative. So I changed.

 

That's what you need to do, it's your time to shine, baby cakes!

 

I'm sorry if I didn't give that much good advice today, I had a job interview yesterday and I can't seem to get it off my mind! ARGH!!

 

Let me know how it all goes so far........................

[megnog]

yeah it gets really confusing at this point about what he does with his life being in his later 20's. he APPARENTLY used to be like really rich (?). he is really good on computers and him and his friend started a business working for AOL (back when it first came out) and was making a butt load of money. then something happened, like his friend and him had problems and stopped working together. then he moved back to virginia (he was living in LA) and got in trouble with the police a few times, went to jail for a little bit, and now its really hard for him to get a job with his record. he never did anything dangerous, just stupid s*** like get drunk at a bar and take a guitar thinking it was his friends, then brought it back to the bar once he realized it wasn't his friends. i don't know really, i wasn't dating him when all this s*** was going on so i'm not certain of the details.

anyway so yeah

he doesn't have a job. hes supposed to be getting one soon though getting like 30 dollars an hour but only working 10+ hours a week (pshh). his older brother hooked him up with this job but he was supposed to start like a week ago so i don't know whats going on now..

anyway

so we hung out today. we went canoeing. it was fun. it was good that we did something interesting. when we first started dating we always did fun stuff. like he lives out in bum f*ck and had acres and acres of land in his back yard and we'd get drunk and go camping, or go fishing, or boating, or canoeing. fun stuff. but now when we did it today it was like..blah. i feel like our relationship is losing its _________ (insert word here)

i don't even know the word. its losing something. losing its fun or something?? i don't know. i haven't been the best girlfriend for a while now but recently like these past few months i've been really good to him and i guess because of previous months of me NOT being so great he hasn't quite recovered so a lot of the time its me being sweet to him and him being pissy and mean to me.

in the beginning of our canoe trip today he was really mean saying "sorry youre such a s***ty steerer" (i was in the front of the canoe and well the water we were on was really hard to get around at first and very shallow). i don't know, i guess it doesn't really make sense. but anyway later he was being really sweet to me. i got bitten up about a million times by mosquitos and he put cream on my legs and arms and gave me medicing. he was being sweet for once!! and i was all pissed off for some reason. sometimes i just get mad and i don't even know why anymore.

i went home and here i am. i called him to say goodnight and he said he wants to know why i've been a crank all day. what do i say? i don't even know whats bothering me. i feel like its a lot of things but i want a good answer for him. i just feel ugly, i feel like s***, we got drunk last night and he said i looked pretty. and then all i could think about for the rest of the night is how he complimented me and although it was a nice compliment, pretty (to me) is like not nearly as good as beautiful.

GAHH. this sounds so stupid. he gave me a compliment and i should be grateful but instead i get mad that he didn't call me beautiful!?!? ugh. well i didn't get mad. it was just all in my head. i didn't voice anything because i know it would cause conflict and it is just all very stupid. so i guess maybe that was bothering me

and then also we broke up like 6 months ago for like a month or two and there was this girl TRISH that he was talking to even before we broke up. infact a while before we broke up and then of course while we were broken up. they would talk online. but still. they would send pictures and talk like they were dating and she would call him and he would say it felt so good to hear her voice ( i read in an email)

and well i don't know if he still talks to her but they were planning on sending f***ing christmas presents to eachother (pardon my language). i'm just getting steamed. and anyway the point of me telling this is we were watching a movie today and some girl in the movie was named trish so that got me thinking...

ugh so many things

okay now i'm just like writing a book here. i'm going to go concentrate on something else.

[crazy_grl]

I only read about 3/4 of the way through this thread, but it was enough to see that just like BG said, jealousy is the least of your worries. Your jealousy is somewhat important here, but only because it, along with your willingness to accept this abuse, shows you lack of self-esteem.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, Meg, but you sound exactly like a woman in an abusive relationship.

 

but its not like that...

hes a really sweet guy. and i sound like one of those girls that gets beat up and says "oh but he says he loves me afterwards and that hes so sorry"

its not like that.

 

Hun, how is it not like that?

Abusive men are SOOO sweet, especially in the beginning. Women who are abused don't stay because they like the abuse. They stay because the guy is such a sweet heart that they convince themselves to ignore the abuse because of how sweet his is when they're not getting hit. The abuse starts off small and over time, they get used to it and are convinced that it's not a big deal.

 

Abusers also tend to isolate their partners from the rest of their friends and family. You say that myspace is now your main contact with the outside world. Why is that? Why don't you see people in person?

 

I'm really worried for you. Please do some research on abuse. It can't hurt you to do so. If you read it and discover that he's not abusive, you'll simply have gained some knowledge that may help in the future. If you read it and come to the conclusion that you're in danger, it may save your life.

 

Here's something you can start out with. It came from recovery-man.com

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

- Is jealous or possessive toward you. (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)

- Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

- Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

- Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

- Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

- Abuses drugs or alcohol.

- Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

- Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

- Has a history of bad relationships.

- Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

- You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

- Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

- Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

- Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

- Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

- You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

- You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

 

Does the person you love...

- constantly keep track of your time?

- act jealous and possessive?

- accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

- discourage your relationships with friends and family?

- prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

- constantly criticize or belittle you?

- control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

- humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

- destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

- have affairs?

- threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

- push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

- force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

[purspeed]

I didn't read all of that babble, but maybe he's not really into you, babe.

 

You seem smart. Start dating others.

[megnog]

purspeed - thanks for the advice but if you didn't read all that "babble" then what are you talking about? what makes you think i'm smart? all i'm talking about is how jealous i am and how it takes over my life.

(sorry if that sounded mean, wasn't trying to be.)

 

anyway crazy girl... yeah

a lot of those things sound about right. and its scary to admit that. but its just really really hard. and i know i can do it. but i feel like i want to wait until something bad happens to break up with him.

that sounds stupid now that i've typed and read what i just wrote. i don't know what to do.

 

 

he doesn't ever force sex against my will. he doesn't have affairs, hmm.. to my knowledge. he does sometimes say i should be spending more money on him, which i know sounds f*cked up and it kind of is, but apparently he thinks he spends all his money on me and i don't spend any of my money on him. which i don't agree with but .. yeah. is that what "control all finances mean"?

he doesn't like me being with my friends or my sister because of good reason though. my friends are sluts (yeah, i'll admit it) and he doesn't want me to be like them when they go to parties. and he insists my sister is a druggie (which she isn't but smokes from time to time) and hes a really big anti-druggie. he does drink but not excessively. he's not an alcoholic, thats for sure. he does have a bad temper when hes mad but ..its almost like he warns me before things go bad. like he'll say "i'm starting to get really angry megan, you should stop" something like that. and its weird because he does make jokes about me around his family but they are completely innocent. he doesn't do it around his friends or my friends. he'll just say something like "megan doesn't like your pasta ma"

so that doesn't count, right??

usually he doesn't insult me but its weird because this just happened a few nights ago. he always pressures me to wear shorts when we are going to do an activity outside but i don't like them, i'd prefer a skirt. well anyway i came over to his house one day wearing shorts and a slightly low cut shirt to make him happy and he freaked out on me saying i was a slut and a fat ass and that i've recently started to wear clothes that are bought from the childrens sections.

it was really mean stuff that i took very personal and it upsets me re-living this actually but i've never had him act that way before so its not like he does it all the time.

later he apologized and said he just doesn't want me wearing those clothes in public. he doesn't want guys checking me out. he says i'm sexier in jeans and a tshirt.

hes afraid that he'll start to see me as a slut and, if you read a few posts ago, he would start to decrease his respect for me.

 

i don't know some of this stuff sounds so right but others its like.. no... he doesn't do that.. hes not abusive.

i think there may be a fine line between whatever he is and an abusive boyfriend in a relationship is.

i don't know. i'm so confused. and i have problems that hes dealt with extremely well and i don't want to give him up because i'm convinced that men are scum and hes a decent man and ..ahh. i don't know anymore.

[lovestruck234]

G'day Meg,

 

So it sounds like you had a good weekend...did you?

 

OK, so I was so wound up in trying to help you get over your jealousy I completely disregarded a very big factor. crazy_girl is exactly on the mark. Those points are all things that affect you and lead you to being the way you are. I hate to say it, but although you think you love this guy, crazy_girl has given both you and me a bit of a wake up call....maybe it's time to reconsider this relationship. You ARE a smart girl and you know what's right and what's wrong...so you don't deserve to be treated this way...

 

It makes soooo much sense now. These points are sooo true. You suffer from insecurity cos HE makes you feel insecure. This has nothing to do with YOUR fault.

 

I do hope you read these points cos every single one of them you have brought up at some stage....

 

Just have a little think and any questions or worries, I'm here!

 

xxx

[purspeed]

Megan, don't get smart and low self-esteem confused. You're keenly aware of the slightest details and throw meaning into those details. That takes intelligence.

 

Everyone experiences some jealousy. That's natural. But, jealousy is a false friend.

 

When you realize that the world is populated with handsome men that can make you happy, you will be released from your jealousy.

[crazy_grl]

i don't know some of this stuff sounds so right but others its like.. no... he doesn't do that.. hes not abusive.

 

You have to keep in mind that a person doesn't have to do all of those things to be abusive. If they do half of them or even a third on a regular basis, then they still could be considered abusive. The biggest one I think is physical violent and insults. If he's done both, then you two have a really big problem. I hate to label your relationship as abusive, because I don't want you to feel like you need to be defensive, but it does seem very abusive from my perspective.

 

i don't know. i'm so confused. and i have problems that hes dealt with extremely well and i don't want to give him up because i'm convinced that men are scum and hes a decent man and ..ahh. i don't know anymore.

 

Do you have access to a counselor? If you do, I suggest you get him to go with you to one. If you can't get to a counselor, find some domestic abuse hotlines in your area that may be able to get you in touch with people who can provide help. A counselor can also help you with the jealousy issues (which I think may be tied into the violence issues, because of how abuse lowers self esteem).

 

If he won't go or he's unwilling to admit that what he did was wrong (hitting you and insulting you because of the way you were dressed) then that's a MAJORLY bad sign. In abusive relationships, the abuse is usually denied or ignored, which allows it to get worse. You can't ignore the things he does. He needs to take responsibility for those things, and you need to take responsibility for what you do as well. (Just make sure you don't blame yourself for things that aren't your fault. For example, if you hit him, it's your fault for hitting him. If he hits you because you yelled at him, it is not your fault he hit you for yelling at him. It's his fault.)

 

It's very possible that he has a good heart but has learned some f*cked up and abusive ways of dealing with people that he learned from his childhood, but if you don't take some action to make it better now, it's only going to get worse. If he won't agree to get help, then you shouldn't continue the relationship. It's already escalated from him hitting you to the two of you hitting each other.

 

Both of you probably need to learn healthy ways of communicating. An educated and well-trained 3rd party can really help you see and change the destructive ways you communicate in a way that you can't. I grew up in an abusive family, so I know how hard it is to see these things on your own when you've never learned anything different. Researching to inform yourselves on the patterns of abuse can be a big help too.

 

I really think that the right counselor can help you change the destructive patterns in your relationship so that you'll get rid of the violence and jealousy. You both have to be willing to work at it and support each other though without giving up, because sometimes it's a tough struggle. If he's not willing to work with you or he doesn't start showing signs of improvement, don't stick around.

[crazy_grl]

Hey Meg, I was just thinkin about ya and wondering how you're doing. Have you been able to talk to a counselor or to talk to your bf about going to see one?