Problem with girlfriends ex-lover

[john2776]

My girlfriend (Rebecca 25yrs) and I have a holiday planned later this year to go to New Zealand, staying with a male friend of hers (Ian). I had asked her over a year ago about Ian, if they had any history other than friendship and was assured that it was and had always been just friends. But last night she told me a story and talked about kissing Ian! I was really shocked but let her finish the story, discovering that they had kissed at least on 3 occasions and had also had oral-sex. I then reminded her that she had previously told me that they had been only friends, and that I don’t feel at all comfortable to go and stay at Ian’s now. She admitted that she had lied about Ian. Rebecca has a lot of male friends (about 10) and I asked her to please tell me who she had kissed out of these friends because I didn’t want any more surprises. Well she has kissed all of them! Now I am feeling very jealous, and very uncomfortable with her being friends with so many ex-lovers (about 7) and about 2 ex boyfriends.

 

I really can’t handle the idea of her having so many guys in her present life, even though she rarely sees them. What advice do you have for me? Do I have to go an stay in New Zealand with Ian? Do I have to let her keep all the other guys as friends?? She really doesn’t want to give the friendships up.

[blind_otter]

I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation. What you really need to do is figure out what your comfort level is and whether or not this situation. I mean, obviously you've been with her for a while and knew of her male friends, but she wasn't necessarily up front about her history with them.

 

There isn't a choice in the matter, you dont "let" you partner have friends. THey have their friends and you yours, and you can't really control that. But it is within your rights to demand that you stay in a hotel, or a guesthouse somewhere, instead of with a man she has a past with!

[Bryanp]

I think it is troubling that she lied to you about Ian. What else has she lied to you about? If she was doing oral sex with him I think the chances are pretty good she did more.

 

If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be accepting staying at a lady friend of yours who you engaged in oral sex with? I think you have a real problem with your girlfriend since she apparently she has no problem lying to you. I would not stay at Ian's home. Why should you feel so uncomfortable. Your girlfriend seems very selfish.

[Cecelius]

I think otter is correct. This isn't something you can let or not let -- it is what it is.

 

The only thing you can do is decide what you care about -- personally, having male friends is not a problem, but having male friends who used to get their rods polished by her is not in my picture.

 

On that basis, I'd basically just conclude that I was dating someone different that who I thought they were and move on.

[john2776]

I mean, obviously you've been with her for a while and knew of her male friends, but she wasn't necessarily up front about her history with them.

I have known her 3 years and been her boyfriend for one year. I had often wondered about her history with her male friends, and I am disappointed that she was not upfront about the history. At least she has come clean now.

 

There isn't a choice in the matter, you dont "let" you partner have friends. THey have their friends and you yours, and you can't really control that.

I know I can't choose her friends! But, is it ok for me to suggest to her that she asks herself if some of the friends are appropriate? For example one of her ex-lovers phoned her the last time he landed in the same city while he was at the airport. That just feels suspect to me. Even if its all above board, I simply don't feel comfortable with it. I guess I am asking - what are my options?

 

But it is within your rights to demand that you stay in a hotel, or a guesthouse somewhere, instead of with a man she has a past with!

The good news is that last night I talked to her about New Zealand and said that we should just stay somewhere else, and that I had no problem catching up with Ian - just not staying with him. She accepted it. Big relief for me.

[john2776]

I think it is troubling that she lied to you about Ian. What else has she lied to you about? If she was doing oral sex with him I think the chances are pretty good she did more.

 

If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be accepting staying at a lady friend of yours who you engaged in oral sex with? I think you have a real problem with your girlfriend since she apparently she has no problem lying to you. I would not stay at Ian's home. Why should you feel so uncomfortable. Your girlfriend seems very selfish.

You have touched on a few things here. Yes she lied. I know that she has lied to me before. Usually lying by ommision. Like one time when we were living in different cities she phoned me up and asked if I would mind if she went after work to her work friends place in a different city, only that she was a bit worried she might miss the last train home, and then have to stay at his place. Initially I said no problem, even though I was a little bit suspicious somewhere, but after a few days I discovered that the guy (Coen) had actually asked her to stay the night, and had made flirtatious sexual comments to her. My answer then was of course "No f#*king way!" Which she took a long time to accept - I suggested that they just go out near their work for dinner instead.

 

In regards to roles-reversed, strangely enough she says she would not have a problem! We stayed at a girls place that I am friends with a few months ago, and the other night she said "but we stayed at Claires place and you have kissed her!" The thing is that Claire is someone I have ever been involved with, but she must have thought I had been. However she never objected to staying there at all. Go figure.

 

Selfish? Yes she can be very selfish at times. But I can also be selfish at times. Nobody is perfect! My reason for writing on this forum is to see how other people view the situation and for me to find the best way to deal with everything. I am very much in love with my girlfriend, and her with me. Breaking up is not on the cards.

[john2776]

The only thing you can do is decide what you care about -- personally, having male friends is not a problem, but having male friends who used to get their rods polished by her is not in my picture.

 

On that basis, I'd basically just conclude that I was dating someone different that who I thought they were and move on.

I completely understand what you are saying. The problem is that I don't want to move on! Yes she obviously is someone different that I had believed, but I don't think that this one area of her past means I have to discard her. I believe that together with her, we need to treat each other with respect. I need to let her keep her friends, but at the same time keep them at an appropriate distance - ie not go staying at their place!

[megnog]

okay, she probably lied to you because she didn't want to worry you or bring up that subject. its bad to lie.. but its not like it was when she was with you or anything when she fooled around with ian. it wasn't a crucial lie basically .

 

she did come clean which is a good thing but you need to make sure (and make sure she knows!) that you don't want her to lie to you again. a relationship is based on trust and hopefully you guys are mutual about being honest.

i would definately NOT feel comfortable about staying at my boyfriends ex-kisser/lover/whatever house. i suppose its a good thing that she trusts you enough and feels confident enough to be able to room with claire, even though you say nothing happened between you two. thats anther good thing because i'm sure her trusting you reflects how she thinks you trust her. and you do trust her right??

anyway good news about the new zealand trip. i'm sure if you two love eachother things will work out and she will be understanding and compromising if you are uncomfortable about certain situations. her being friends with ex's would be a problem for me but if you hang out all together there shouldn't be anything wrong. you don't have a lot of options except to talk about how you feel and make sure she knows what is on your mind.

 

if something were to happen where you really don't like her being friends with a certain guy, it seems that if you two were to spend the rest of your lives together, she could kind of give him up.

i have a boyfriend that used to talk to his ex all the time and it really bothered me and without me even having to ask he stopped talking to her because he really didn't care much about her and he cared about how i felt. hopefully your girl would do the same if it ever came down to that.

good luck!

[jorgeajorge73]

A women who has many male friends is definently up to something. Especially when they engage in oral-sex. My ex always excluded me from many of her friends and even when she went out. She was either hooking up with her ex or with other guys.

 

You on the other hand need to start making female friends to kick it with and see how she responds. It sounds to me that she doesn't fully appreciate you. And if it doesn't work out with her you would have all ready met a potential. Dude be on your guard and don't fall for that "come on sweety, I only love you and no one else, BS..";)

[john2776]

I know she isn't up to anything, as we don't currently live in a city with any of her male friends! When I have been in her city I have met a number of the friends, and in general do not feel as though she has excluded me. We are moving back her way next year however... See how it goes then.

 

I need to make female friends? Haha!! I understand where you are coming from, but thats not a good idea. Chances are I would not be bothered becoming friends with a girl unless she was a hotty and thats not what I want (trouble!). Im happy to hang with the guys, or hang with my girlfriend... I live with her and we spend a lot of time together btw. She is not a clubbing type girl either, so she never goes and has girls nights out or anything.

[Computer]

I know she isn't up to anything, as we don't currently live in a city with any of her male friends! When I have been in her city I have met a number of the friends, and in general do not feel as though she has excluded me. We are moving back her way next year however... See how it goes then.

 

I need to make female friends? Haha!! I understand where you are coming from, but thats not a good idea. Chances are I would not be bothered becoming friends with a girl unless she was a hotty and thats not what I want (trouble!). Im happy to hang with the guys, or hang with my girlfriend... I live with her and we spend a lot of time together btw. She is not a clubbing type girl either, so she never goes and has girls nights out or anything.

 

Hi,

 

You don't think it's a good idea to be friends with a female you consider to be a "hotty" because it would cause trouble? Ask yourself this: did it cause YOU trouble allowing her to have about 10 male friends? And I wont buy you saying that you may come off to be weak around other woman because that would only speak volumes about your true-interest in your GF. Yes, I said it and don't mind repeating it.

 

My advice to you is not to be in denial. The words "I know" just don't sound too convincing in every little scenario. Now I'm not saying you ARE in denial; I just like to look into relationships from different views - and you use the words "I know" too much as if you know exactly what she feels and what's going on in her brain. I just hate to leave something out and only tell patients what they would LOVE to hear. But analyze the bold words above and take whatever want from it. You heard it all...

 

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[witabix]

Being friends with ex sexual partners is a dangerous thing.

 

You have to find out why they are friends, what is each getting from the current relationship.

 

If I were the guy in NZ I would definately NOT want my ex and her new bf staying with me, no way. Does he not have a life?

 

(I know he is not an ex boyfriend, an ex sexual partner more like)

[john2776]

Thanks for your point of view megniog. I appreciate it.

[john2776]

You don't think it's a good idea to be friends with a female you consider to be a "hotty" because it would cause trouble? Ask yourself this: did it cause YOU trouble allowing her to have about 10 male friends?

I could write a whole page on this point! 1) When it comes to woman I just try to be very honest with why it is that I want to be friends with them. Because I once lied to myself about the reason and ended up kissing a girl while I had a girlfriend once when after a year I discovered that she had the hots for me. I've always regretted it. 2) The reason for the friendship simply has to be a good one. If a girl is into the same things as I am and we can hang out and talk about topics and enjoy each other on that level, then no problem. But I rarely meet a girl that interests me at all, on say an intellectual or sporting level 3) I do still have some girls that Im friends with, including a couple of hotties. I've even stayed at one of the girls places in Austria last year for a week without any trouble. I'm quite capable of remaining just friends, but I believe that if you play with fire, eventually you get burnt. So with these particular girls, I will let the friendships die a natural death, and for sure if my GF has any issue with them I will respect any of her wishes. After all who means more to me? - My GF does. Does her boy friends cause me trouble? Thats a grey question - directly no, indirectly maybe (increases jealousy & causes suspicion).

 

you use the words "I know" too much as if you know exactly what she feels and what's going on in her brain.

Good point. Because I cannot get even close to understanding how her brain works!

 

About denial: It's a fine line between getting accussed by her for example of being too suspicious, and you of possibly being in denial. You can't both be correct! If I was in denial I wouldn't be posting anything here. I believe here I was get a balanced view on things. My best friend for example thinks 100% like me, and immediately always confirms my worst fears. Bit of a problem if we both take circumstancial evidence to proove something. Thanks for your input btw.

[john2776]

Being friends with ex sexual partners is a dangerous thing. You have to find out why they are friends, what is each getting from the current relationship.

I agree its dangerous, and I would not do it. However I had to make a decision to accept it or not, and I have accepted it. All I can do is make sure there are appropriate boundarious about what is acceptable and that we both agree. Last night I asked if I could look at her mobile phone and her sms's. She didn't like the idea but we did it together. There were a couple of messages that I was not totally happy about. One with a bucket load of kisses from a guy she met last year when we were living apart (the sms was also from last year), and one this year from her to an ex lover of hers that lives in Africa where she signed it love (or liefs - she is dutch btw). I said to her this morning that I would prefer her not to sign stuff with love to her ex's as it makes me uncomfortable, and since I have been at work today she has phoned me and said that she won't do that anymore (she was resistant to the idea initially).

 

About finding out what they get out of the relationship now would be impossible. She is so difficult in these conversations and there are about 10 ex's. I will of course do this, but I will leave it until the situation arises where there is contact. I have no idea who she really intends to stay in contact with or how frequent.

 

If I were the guy in NZ I would definately NOT want my ex and her new bf staying with me, no way. Does he not have a life?

Well they are pretty close friends who were part of a group of her friends from her neighbourhood in teenage years. He left Holland and moved to NZ and it must be great for him to be able to catch up with a friend. At the same time I don't like the group of friends as of the 3 guys in the group Ian was a lover, another was a boyfriend, and the third one is the other lover who know lives in Africa! All too much like incest to me... Especially when there is a second group of lovers who all know each other - two journalists, a photographer, and a politician. She got into this group when she did her traineeship as a journalist.

[john2776]

I'm a bit vague on how to deal with any new male friends that she makes. I've never had a girlfriend before with the kind of background she has where she seems to have slept with all her male friends. So is it reasonable for me to set a boundary like - we should share future male friends, or is it reasonable for her to fully choose her new male friends and see them anytime on her own without me? What do you think?

[witabix]

You seem really level headed and sensible john.

 

So take this as it is meant.

 

Her history gives you a clue as to what she is like. But, and note the but, this does not infer that she will be like this in future.

 

However I would find it really hard to trust someone with a background like this.

 

As far as future male friends go I would be insistent that they are shared friends. There would be NO room for one to one stuff. I would simply not trust her that much until she has shown me that she can be trusted.

 

Remember your trust is to be earned, not given away in such a circumstance.

 

If this is her norm be sure to defend yourself. My thoughts are with you.

[Spectre]

I'd have trouble with the fact that my gf wanted to go see someone she had previous given head to.

 

Like others have set, it isnt up to you who she has as friends, but it IS up to you on what you will tolerate.

[Spectre]

I'm a bit vague on how to deal with any new male friends that she makes. I've never had a girlfriend before with the kind of background she has where she seems to have slept with all her male friends. So is it reasonable for me to set a boundary like - we should share future male friends, or is it reasonable for her to fully choose her new male friends and see them anytime on her own without me? What do you think?

 

 

Its perfectly acceptable for you to not want your gf to hang around with guys she's slept with. Honestly, its just something she shouldnt be doing if she has a bf

 

Ladies- this is why you dont bone your friends

[john2776]

Ladies- this is why you dont bone your friends

 

I could not agree more.

[Sal Paradise]

And this is why its best not to date people who are still friends with exes or people they've boned. She lied to ya about it so its not your fault (the fact she lied about it is a huge red flag in my book).

 

There's no way I could stay in a relationship like this, I would of broken up once she told me the truth about her and Ian.

[john2776]

So last night this ex of hers (in NZ) phones up and they have a chat. Afterwards she tells me that he is going to be on holiday in Europe around the same time that we marry, and isn't that great! Well - for me - no its not bloody great! We talked about it for ages, and in the end it really dawned on me that if this friend of hers does not come she will be really sad about, and I could see that she started wondering where all my requests were going to stop. She asked me if I could make an effort to forgive the past and just see him for who he is now, and if I can do that, then maybe I could live with him coming to the wedding. In the end I decided to agree to it.

 

I'm always left with the feeling that I am controlling her in some way and I hate that. So I just felt that this time if it was in my power I should try and accept this ex lover of hers - apparently it was only once and was about 3 years ago. I think I can do it (not certain), but I believe its a good decision for our relationship.

 

I seem caught in my mind between what is controlling behaviour by me, and what is setting of appropriate boundaries. Am I getting it right?