precious99 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 My BF of almost 7 months is a groomsman in his best friends wedding next month. He has invited me - which is great - but here lies my problem. The bride and my BF had a fling a couple of years ago ( a fling meaning they were drunk and slept together ) By the way her fiance does not have a clue as to what transpired. Sounds easy right....cause his past is his past....blah...blah...blah....not so easy unfortunately. Despite the fact that she is getting married she still has a "thing" for my man. I have only met his friends (her included) twice and both times she was mean, rude, and was obviously vieing for his attention. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea - he has been great - he talks to her only when necessary and avoids her the rest of the time. So here's my question...sorry about all of the babbling...do I go to the wedding and reception? He will be unable to be with me at the church and will be seated away from me at the reception. His only other friend who has been nice to me at all is the other groomsman... ...go figure. He really wants me there but he says that he will understand if I am too uncomfortable to go. Do I suck it up and go anyways - knowing no one? Advice desperately needed...apply below.. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 You said this girl slept with your b/f a few years ago, was this when you all were seeing each other? Or before you all got together? NO one can tell you for sure what you need to do. It has to be your call. However, IMO if you are uncomfortable with the situation I would say to not go. Why put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable? Or you could go just to be there for your b/f, since he is in the wedding party. As far as her husband to be, not knowing what happened, he may find out and he may not. I think the main thing to be concerned about is the fact she still has a thing for your b/f. Shes going into a marriage and still has feelings for another, is not good, it will probably all come out at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 No, we were not involved (we didn't even know each other at that point) when they slept together. They all went to highschool together and have remained a tight knit group - we only met last september.....sorry for the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Let me ask you this: If the groom was to know this do you think he would still want your boyfriend to be in the wedding party? I would contact the groom and inform him of the situation and see what he wants to do. I think he has a right to know - don't you? If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? When he finds out later he will feel like an absolute fool. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I was going to say since this was something that happened before you met him, then let it go. However, the main thing is the fact that this girl is still interested in your b/f. Heres somethings you could do. Let the whole thing go and at some point the groom will eventually find out she still carries a torch for your b/f or possibly she may carry one for another as well. I mean she is entering into marriage with feelings for another, which is wrong, that way your hands are clean on the situation. Or you could inform the groom of the fact that his bride to be likes your b/f and risk him not beliveing you and then him make you out to be a fool. Then again maybe he he would believe you. The choice is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 I'm not even sure if they were together when it happened....and that would definately destroy my relationship with my BF - which I am very happy in - is it really my place? Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I'm not even sure if they were together when it happened....and that would definately destroy my relationship with my BF - which I am very happy in - is it really my place? You could always just go to the wedding since you were invited. Be there for your b.f since he is in the wedding party thats why you would be going anyway. Wheather this girl was getting married or not, if she had a thing for your b/f then she just does. Let her groom find out on his own if she is still interested in your b/f. If she is truly interested she would probably give herself away at some point anyway. How does your b/f feel about all of this? He has no problem with the fact she likes him still? He ignores her or anything she says to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 If it is not you place then whose place is it? Again if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to be informed? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I'm not even sure if they were together when it happened....and that would definately destroy my relationship with my BF - which I am very happy in - is it really my place? No it isn't. The idea that you should interfere in this woman's relationship is preposterous. You decide how comfortable you will feel. Personally I would go, and make sure that I look hot as hell, and be cool as ice and friendly to everyone. IMO that would be classy. If they aren't nice to you even after you've been nice and gracious, it simply reflects poorly on your BF's friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I think the issue is more whether you should have an issue with your b/f that his best buddy doesn't know that the best man nailed the bride -- amongst men, that is very poor form. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 In regards to how my BF feels about her - he speaks to her only when necessary (like when she is asking him a direct question) otherwise he ignores her. Also, he has been distancing himself from this group of friends for a while - he says that this wedding (to which he has been committed to for a while) will be the last time he sees any of them. He feels like they have grown apart - as friends often do. Even this weekend we were invited to the fiance's house for a canada day party and while he told me about the invitation he didn't want to attend - so we had our own party Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 he says that this wedding (to which he has been committed to for a while) will be the last time he sees any of them. He feels like they have grown apart - as friends often do. Then its best to let it go. Go to the wedding if you wish to be there for your b/f. Link to post Share on other sites
audmc911 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 He really wants me there but he says that he will understand if I am too uncomfortable to go. Do I suck it up and go anyways - knowing no one? Advice desperately needed...apply below.. It appears that you do not want to go! You have to do what's best for you and what makes you happy. Why would you put yourself in that situation? You need to protect yourself and your feelings. If you do go, I would simply go to the church and make an excuse as to why you cannot go to the reception. Personally, I wouldn't want to go - your b/f will obviously be with a bridesmaid and the bride will go out of her way to one-up-manship you. Plus, who will you be seated with? I mean if it's people you know - then great, but really, this doesn't sound like it would be good for you. Also, if you do not go, you are giving your b/f some freedom - make plans that day to do something fab that the two of you can talk about later. Link to post Share on other sites
hulali Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Like someone else suggested, go to the wedding and make sure you look awesome. Yes, that's kind of itchy but at the same time you want to feel confident about yourself I think that if you don't go, that you'll sit at and home and drive yourself mad with all kinds of scenarios running through your head. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Your boyfriend asked you to go, so go. Church isn't a place for chatting, so who cares that he will be standing up while you are sitting on the groom's side of the church? Go and dance with him at the reception. Isn't that better than sitting at home stewing about what might be happening? You have no need to tell the groom anything. High school friends are notorious for having 'incestuous' sexual relationships with each other. Leave the past in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 The thing Im most worried about here is that your boyfriend has not told the groom about the history with his bride. Friends should really tell each other this stuff. Should you go? There is no right or wrong answer. Do what you feel most comfortable with. I think I would go. Link to post Share on other sites
audmc911 Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Precious - I am curious as to what you have decided to do. I hope that you choose to protect yourself and your feelings by not going to the wedding and hanging out with some friends or going to the movies. It's what I would tell my daughter to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 I haven't really made up my mind yet...the wedding isn't until next month so I have decided to sit on it for a while. We have another wedding to attend this saturday together - friends of his - and yes, she and her fiance will also be there. My plan is to just go, have fun and be myself. I'm tired of trying so hard to impress people who aren't even the tinyest "blip" on my radar. The only one there worth impressing is my BF and he seems pretty impressed already. I have talked to him about how I am feeling in regards to the wedding (the one next month) and he has been great. He would totally understand if I opted out but he has really gone out of his way to make it a situation in which I would be comfortable in. (He has arranged with his best friend - the groom - that I be seated with people who I have already met and who he knows would "take care of me" and he even went so far as to tell me that I could ride in the limo with them so I'm not by myself - of course he okayed it with the groom as well) So, while I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing as of yet - I am leaning towards going. It seems to be very important to my BF and I would probably drive myself crazy sitting at home wondering what was going on. I do have a question though - I haven't been to many weddings - does the groomsman have to dance with specific people - you know how the bride will dance with her father etc.?? Just trying to prepare myself for her trying to wrap her arms around my man. Is it obligitory for him to dance with her or anyone (besides me) else? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 There's no official 'bride/groomsman' dance, like with her father. No one is obligated to dance with the bride...but it's awfully hard to turn the bride down if she demands a dance, especially if all the other groomsmen are taking a turn. He might be expected to dance with the bridesmaids, and maybe the bride's mother...but neither of those is a given. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 Well The wedding that I posted about attending on Saturday (last night) was a disaster. Maybe I shouldn't have gone anyways - I was already in a bad mood and my BF was feeling a little grumpy too (we had gotten into a small fight the day before about the common courtesy involved in him calling when he says hes going to) Anyways we got to the reception and I starting meeting some of his friends that I had not previously met before (everything was going ok) We got some drinks and when we returned to the table he wanted me to sit accross the table with his cousins wife - even though there was an empty chair next to his. ( and who do you think should come up and fill the chair - the b**ch!!) Well I was a little bit irritated to say the least and I'm sure that he knew it - so what does he do - he tells one of his female friends that I am mad at him and has her come over and question me about it (I mean who does that!!) So needless to say I am fuming by this time - I already have to prove myself to these people which is ridiculous at it is. So anyways I dispute the fact that I am mad at him to this girl (afterall I don't know her and it's none of her business) and I get up to get another drink. She beelines it to the dance floor and tells all the other little girls out there what has transpired. So now no one is talking to me and my reputation as a b**ch is firmly established. I insist to my BF that he take me home, which he does. I tell him that he hurt me, that he used my vulnerability (fitting in with his peer group) and exploited it, and I cry alot. So needless to say I sent him home but now I don't know what to do. I do love him but I also need to know that the person I trust with my feelings and my heart will safeguard them at all costs. Anyone out there have any input - any help is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Making your own decisions is the only true freedom that you have. That said, live dangerously, go to the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 I think you have a right to be hurt. Why in the world would he want you to sit across the table instead of next to him? He knew you were uncomfortable with his friends, uncomfortable with her, and he made the situation far worse by telling the other friend that you were mad at him. That was just dumb. It sounds like he was being a major ass and needs to apologize to you. As for your larger question...is he like this all the time, or is this an exception? Does he hurt your feelings often? Is he inconsiderate of you on a regular basis? Link to post Share on other sites
purspeed Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 He sounds like a genuine bastard to me. No one can take away your honor or dignity, they can only throw out theirs. This guy is classless and I'll never understand people like him. It's unlikely that he will change, so I would place your energies in finding someone that can make you happy and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
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