How Can I Respect An Aunt Who Doesn’t Respect Me?

[NotBaby]

Hello all. I received a lot of comments on another post of mine that at the very least acted as a diversion to my troubles so I figured I would bring up another problem of mine. I have a lot going on in my life and one of the only people that I could talk to for some time was my aunt who is in her 80s. I would talk to her every morning on the phone – this would be somewhat of an obligation, though.

 

See, she isn’t the most likeable person. She criticizes me and others all of the time, she repeats the same stories over and over and she seems to be stuck in an optimistic dream world where nothing ever goes wrong. Despite everything, I put up with her.

 

One day a few weeks ago, I was feeling the lowest of lows. Without explaining the whole, long ordeal, I had told my sister something that another family member told me. My aunt told me not to tell the information and so when she had heard that I did she told me that she had never been so disappointed in me. She said that she should have never told me the information (even though she was not the one to tell it to me – I heard it with my own ears) and that I was just not a trustworthy person. She said that she wouldn’t tell me anything ever again. After lecturing me, the call ended. I said “I love you” but she did not return the gesture. I called her (as did her son) for nearly a week and she did not answer the phone. Now, her son tells me that nothing had happened and that she said she may have been snippy but didn’t mean anything. She is actually playing it like the whole thing just never happened.

 

Now, I haven’t called her or spoken with her for about three weeks. I feel as though the one person that I could have counted on being there for me no matter what overloaded my already filled plate. It sounds as though she feels no remorse for her actions and I don’t know how I can talk to this woman like I used to. I feel like I should be respecting my old aunt yet why should I if she doesn’t respect me? I cry every day because of this situation and then I have to hear from her son every now and then telling me that I should call her. Am I completely wrong in not wanting to talk to her? If so, how can I talk to someone that is so disappointed in me (for a reason that I feel is unwarranted)? If not, how do I get passed this terrible situation?

[Outcast]

It sounds as though she feels no remorse for her actions

 

Excuse me? YOU betrayed HER trust and you think SHE should feel remorse?

 

I think not. If anyone needs to feel remorse and apologise profusely, it is you and not her. You took an action which hurt her and are suffering the consequences. You have no right to feel like the injured party.

[NotBaby]

Perhaps I am not explaining it completely since it is a very complex story (my sister and son are both on my side and are upset that my aunt would do this to me) but I did not betray her trust. A different family member told me the information that was about my sister – the person I told. My aunt just told me not to tell my sister. How did I betray the trust of her when she did not tell me the information in the first place? Wasn’t my obligation to my sister? Why am I supposed to obey my aunt’s commands about information that she did not even provide in the first place? (I am skipping over what the information entails because it is actually miniscule with no consequences in telling.)

[Outcast]

If you felt that your keeping the information from your sister was wrong, you should have told your aunt right away that you couldn't comply with her request. Because you didn't, your aunt expected that you would do as she asked - you didn't correct her assumption. And she's 80. For whatever reason, she felt it extremely important that you not tell your sister. Perhaps your sister could intervene and reassure your aunt that whatever she feared would happen because your sister was told the information has not transpired.

[NotBaby]

To be honest, it was all about a graduation party for my son and my sister's daughter. The family member called me and did not call my sister. In fact, I had already told my sister before my aunt ever said anything and if you knew my aunt you would understand why it would have been hard to tell her. The whole situation may be too complex for this board and perhaps I should not have tried discussing it.

 

My sister cannot intervene because my aunt has already told her that she hates her and never wants to see her ever again (This is the kind of woman I am dealing with...).

 

Simply put - my aunt hurt me and I thought she was the only person that wouldn't have since she knows how unbalanced my life is right now. The reasons for her lecture were very miniscule (everyone agrees on this point) and she made something gigantic out of it killing my spirit in the process. I am not asking if what I did was right or wrong because it would require too much backstory to be told. I just want to know how to go on not talking to a woman that deserves respect because of her age but completely demolished my dwindling self esteem.

 

Oh, and I forgot to add earlier that I did apologize profusely during her lecture. I cried and said sorry many times and she just said, "This is terrible! Terrible! TERRIBLE! I am disappointed in you like I've never been disappointed in anyone else!"

[Outcast]

She is eighty years old. Unfortunately, age removes many of the better abilities from some people. You can't in all fairness expect of her the same behaviour now that she exhibited when she was younger because in all likelihood her faculties are going. You will be sorry if she dies and you have not made this up with her. Whatever the reasons you think are justified for doing what you did, you did tell your sister and you did not tell your aunt that you would do so. so to her you broke a promise. The rest doesn't matter.

 

You can cling to your anger and grievance or you can figure out how to care about her in her declining years, understanding that you have to stand up for yourself and fight your own battles in life because you won't always have her to run interference for you. You can't place huge expectations on others to do things for you that you aren't up to and then be disappointed when they don't.

 

Instead, spend your think time on strengthening yourself and your own resources. If you have poor self-esteem, get some good books and work on yourself or else get counselling. You can't go through life leaning on others - in the end, you've only got you to rely on.