DarkShadows Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Hi everyone I am new here. Kind of need help in this awkward situation of mine. Any advice would be appreciated. I have been with my bf for 25 mths. We're in love, first loves, etc. For two years he always told me what a great guy he was. He said how he has morals and that he thinks watching porn or looking at other women, fantasing about them, while having a girlfriend is wrong and considers it cheating. Unless you watch a porno together, that's ok. -Great guy, right?- Anyways for the first year and a half we'd see each other about every 6 -12 weeks. I always had a trust issue with him because I knew he was doing something behind my back. We moved in together about 5 mths ago and last week I found a lot of porn, that he had download, watched and deleted, and porn sites on his computer. I questioned him about this and he said they were a necessity. That he couldn't come up with any more thoughts of sex with me and that they grew old. Those fantasies didn't work for him anymore so he needed something. I don't understand. Why isn't he attracted to me sexually? I asked him tons of times during our relationship if he looked at porn or cheated he always said no. And then I find this. I'm at a loss on what to think or do. He said he didn't tell me because he was ashamed and knew I wouldn't understand. Why would he lie? Why would he make himself to be this perfect guy? Why wasn't I good enough and why did he need to get off to a bunch of other women? He said he would never do this if I was around. It was because I wasn't around that he needed to do this. Any advice on what to do? What to think? I just don't understand... Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 "For two years he always told me what a great guy he was." Notice what you said, HE TOLD you what a great guy he was. He told you that, and maybe he is, but just becasue someone says they are doesn't always mean they are or don't have some kind of issues. You usually learn what kind a person really is after you have been with them for awhile. "I always had a trust issue with him becasue I knew he was doing something behind my back. We moved in togerher about 5 months ago." If you had trust issues and knew something wasn't right, then why move in with him? Maybe you were hoping these feelings you were having about trusting him were wrong or would pass? I can relate, been there done that. "Why would he lie?" I think he answered you when he said he didn't tell you becasue he was ashamed and afraid you wouldn't understand. Thats why most men hide or lie about porn for fear their wives or g/f's will nag them about it. Commincate with him how you feel. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him feel more confident about your sex life together. Sometimes men do/can get ideas from porn to incoperate new and exciting ideas into the relationship. Kind of like spicing it up a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Thanks for your input. Anyone else have more advice? Link to post Share on other sites
audmc911 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 It depends on how often he has sex with you vs. watching porn. If he prefers the porn to intimacy with you, then there is a problem - and he may just be a sex addict, which is a disease and it gets progressively worse. If that's the case, I would suggest you read "Out of the Shadows." (Your log-in name is interesting in that respect.) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 If you were only seeing each other every 6-12 weeks, you certainly should have expected he would masturbate during the times you weren't around. And many men look at porn while they masturbate - sometimes their imaginations aren't enough. If you have other problems in your relationship, then deal with those. My advice on the porn issue is to stop making him feel like a criminal for looking at it, and stop making him feel he has to hide it from you. He won't lie about it if he doesn't feel like he has to because you take it personally that's he's looking at porn while wanking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Ok that isn't the thing. I was not the first to bring up that looking at porn is wrong if you're in a relationship. He did. He told me it was wrong to look at it while in a relationship, hiding it. All I did was agreed. Do you see the differemce here? He hid it from me not because I found it wrong and would hold it against him, but because he made me believe he didn't look at it and it was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Ok that isn't the thing. I was not the first to bring up that looking at porn is wrong if you're in a relationship. He did. He told me it was wrong to look at it while in a relationship, hiding it. All I did was agreed. Do you see the differemce here? He hid it from me not because I found it wrong and would hold it against him, but because he made me believe he didn't look at it and it was wrong. Then maybe there was a side to him he didn't want you to find out about. Or its also possible that when you all first got together he truly did believe what he told you. Maybe at some point something changed for him. Most of the time viewing porn isn't always really about sex. In other words, porn is not the cause but a symptom of a deeper issue. Could be an outlet for him not just sexually but for another reason as well. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I think he was doing it all along. If a man just came out and told me what he did, I'd be a little suspicious. HE'S the one with the issue. He may be addicted to it. I was once with a man who made a big deal out of telling me he wasn't a drinker, hardly drank, drinking doesn't solve anything, yada, yada. Turns out he was a problem drinker. See where I'm going with this? So are you saying you don't have a problem with his porn addiction? Is it just that he lied about it? You need to just come out and tell him what's on your mind. Maybe you can participate in it with him if it doesn't bother you. You have to figure out what's really bothering you here. What is the REAL issue and then talk it out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Well he did it about every week or two..stopped 2 weeks before he knew he'd see me and would look again 2 weeks after I would leave so... Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Why wasn't I good enough and why did he need to get off to a bunch of other women? He said he would never do this if I was around. It was because I wasn't around that he needed to do this. I'm not entirely sure from reading your post if he is still looking at porn or not? If it was in the past when you were away for weeks, then don't be too concerned about it - although he might be addicted, and this can cause problems. If he is still looking at porn and he does not want to include you in it, then you have a major problem. You've asked why arn't you good enough? If this is all about when you were not around for weeks, then I can understand him needing images. Thats not unusual. If however he is using porn now, then maybe he has some desires/fantasies that you are not sharing with each other. Talk to him about what exactly he likes so much. I'm willing to bet that it is something in particular. You should understand that he doesn't actually desire the woman he looks at in the porn, he likes what they are doing.... Personally I don't like porn in relationships. If the sexual side of the relationship is working, I simply don't need it. If I feel a strong desire to look at it, I know thats a big warning sign that there is trouble. The only exception is to share it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 Yeah, he stopped looking. He said he only looked when I was away for weeks. Just, it's heartbreaking. Knowing I'm 110% faithful for these 2 years and he went behind my back. Whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Sorry to hear that you are heartbroken over this. What are you going to do? Are you going to forgive him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 I'm not sure what to do. I still get a feeling he enjoyed watching other women. I'm over the porn. It's the OTHER women I can't get over. There's a difference between watching a porno and looking at porn sites and sex forums. It's like turning on the t.v. you don't know what you're going to get as opposed to looking at the t.v. guide first. And since he had all forms of porn on his computer I still think he was attracted to the other woman. There's a huge trust issue now, of course. I am not sure how to go about dealing with that. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I'm sure no girl really enjoys the fact that their men look at porn sites.. but men do it. Its almost part of their nature. Its strange that right off the bat he would lie to you when he didn't even know your opinion on the subject.. maybe he does have a problem? Maybe he was just trying to make you like him more since it was the beginning of your relationship? When you are not with him, its fine for him to look at porn. Maybe you could take a few pictures of yourself for him to look at as porn? I'm sure he would enjoy it more than any other porn site because he knows you and loves you. And yeah, John is right. He's not interested in them, they are porn site girls! The only interest is in what they are doing. and its weird for me to be saying this because I'm the jealous type, but its okay for him to think they are attractive women. Thats why they are on there!! They are pretty women who get paid to be naked and do slutty things that guys can whack off to. Plus, you have the satisfaction of knowing that hes not going to get with any of these women - he doesn't know them. Anyway, I Guess most people think this is a good thing - but I think if you have to watch the porn with him to get him or you stimulated, thats a bad thing. As long as when you two are together he doesn't need porn to get him hard, you are in the clear I hope that helped. Link to post Share on other sites
audmc911 Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 I was once with a man who made a big deal out of telling me he wasn't a drinker, hardly drank, drinking doesn't solve anything, yada, yada. Turns out he was a problem drinker. See where I'm going with this? Me too! My ex did the same thing! He would ridicule men who called 900 sex lines - and in the meantime, he racked up $3000 in telephone bills - back in the late 80s! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts