Separated and trying to work it out!

[trevty]

Hi there,

 

I have posted in the past and have been dealing with the separation of my wife and I.

 

We have been separated for 2 weeks today, it has been longer that we have not been connected. We are 6 weeks into the straw that broke the camel's back fight. It has been a long and hard road for both of us. I have been as we both have doub it "the Train Wreak" having been the one that left the house and my life and have been up my wife's ass the whole time. It has suppost to have been time for her to deal with her issues about trusting me and has turned into her feeling like she can't worry about herself until I am ok! I am trying!!! Since I have been away from home I had many profound moments of enlightenment about myself and who I can now be, I have also found out that I never really knew how to love myself until now. In learning that I also realized how very much I love this women.

 

She says that she loves me, we are bestfriends, but right now she does not trust me and doesn't see me as her husband. She is a strong willed women, a trate I love about her, and doesn't know if that will allow her to forgive the past and work on the future. She said today that I am head over heels ready to jump back in and start working on things, and I am, but she does not feel a want to work on things right now and wont be able to until she can forgive, if she can forgive. I have made the desision for me that I am going to wait and give her the time she needs to find this answer. She has made it clear that she has not started yet and can't say for sure she wont want to just give up, but I am going to wait for love and hope.

 

We have been to a couple of sessions each and together twice (went today). Wont be going again for three weeks though! We talked about what she wants from me now so that she can figure herself out and she said that she wants me to take care of myself, not her doing it, and that she needed time without me being all freaked out to work things out for her.

 

I want to do whatever I can to make this work. I am sure that there would be a life for me that will work out differently for me without her and my life now, but I really dont want that for me. I love the thought of starting new without the pressures of anything to hide and being stronger then people give us credit for. We are worth it.

 

What I need is someone to talk to. I really dont have anyone and no family support either. What do I do? I dont want to have her walk away because I am all freaked out!!!!

 

Please Help

[Mz. Pixie]

T-

 

Good to hear from you again. I hate it when people come and ask for advice and then don't post updates ever.

 

Again, I just want to say that I do not understand why your wife is acting this way- saying all of this about trusting you.

 

I would say in almost every case when a woman wants to separate it's because she's involved with someone else or is thinking about being single and moving on. I have only known one person- in a huge number of marriages- that left her husband to straighten him out. They were separated a year before she took him back.

 

I still think that you need to investigate the fact that she is having an affair. As she has done this before- you were the OM- I think there is a huge chance that this is happening. I know you don't want to think that or believe that- but as I've been a cheating wife- I can tell you that most of her actions are right on with what I did.

 

Wayward spouses almost always follow the same script. They start off saying they are unhappy- they rewrite the history of the marriage and start to blame the other person. Phrases like I don't trust you, I'm hurt by you and can't stand it anymore, you don't love me, you're too clingy, and let me tell you "I don't feel like I'm married to you anymore" is a HUGE ONE! This is her way of sort of disassociating herself from you and the marriage. In her mind, this gives her the permission to do whatever she wants to.

 

I actually hope that I'm wrong. Really I do. But I think you need to be realistic here and explore those options so that you are more prepared. What would you tell a friend about this if it were happening to them??

 

Seriously, do yourself a favor and at least investigate.

[whichwayisup]

Hi Trev. I'm just catching up on older posts now as I was away for afew weeks...

 

All I can tell ya is, better yourself. Put yourself FIRST. Gain that confidence back, be there for your wife when she needs you. Show her in action that you are worthy of her trust and love.

 

Now, with that being said, it seems the problem still is with her...Meaning, she isn't sure what she wants, so hopefully with the help of more counselling and time, things will be settled. You can't live in limbo, waiting for the axe to fall. If she wants you in her life, as her husband, then she has to s*** or get off the pot.

 

Time IS on your side, so just take it all in stride, one day at a time. Until she is ready and willing, all you can do is wait.