What are friends for?

[Butterflying]

Recently, I met a man while I was working. We don't work together, but our initial meeting allowed us to do business together. Now we have a professional business deal in place. In addition, we are building a friendship.

 

The problem is, I don't know how to be a friend to this man. Every man I've ever known has wanted to be my boyfriend or husband. Eventhough they initially started the relationship as friends, they always made it clear upfront that they wanted to progress towards more eventually. No man has ever truly wanted to be just my friend.

 

When I'm not attracted to a guy, it's easy for me to be a friend to him. Unfortunately, friendships never works out because they either want all, or nothing. So I've never really had a chance to have a guy as a friend. Even worse, I am totally, totally attracted to the new guy, more than just a friend.

 

I'm not selfish and I don't have the all or nothing attitude. I can put my attraction aside as long as he's not attracted to me. So far, he hasn't shown any signs of being attracted to me. He also has a girlfriend that he loves and he's committed to. They have an LDR.

 

I would like to give friendship with this guy a chance. But I don't know how to treat him. What kind of things can we do together? Is it okay for us to hug each other? Do we ever hold hands? Is it okay for us to talk about sex?

 

So far, we've talked about cooking, eating, and traveling together. We've discovered that we have ALOT of things in common. Including our age. Our past, and our goals are practially identical. All of these are things that I would normally share with a potential mate. Any advice ??

[Outcast]

Pretend he's a gal pal. Whatever you'd do with a girlfriend, do with him. I'm guessing you rarely hold hands with female friends. You get the drift.

[magichands]

Great idea Outcast, but you're not hearing any warning bells? "Putting aside" one's attraction sounds like it is fraught with danger.

[Butterflying]

Another problem is, I don't have any female friends either. There are women that I associate with on a shallow level, like occasional outings together, phone calls, and networking. None of them are truly reliable, and that's a quality friends share. However, when I associate with women, we talk about men and sex all the time. We're totally open about everything because there's nobody to impress. But with this guy, or any guy for that matter, I don't want to tell all my secrets because, well...I'm a lady.

 

And I totally understand what you mean Magichands. But I think I would have a problem being friends with a guy even if there was no attraction. I simply don't know how to be friends with anyone. That's why I need advice.

[witabix]

If my advice is of any use here here goes.

 

No talk of sex under any circumstances.

 

No datey type things, holding hands, linking arms, cuddling, sleepovers, that kind of thing.

 

Maintain your ladylike qualities.

 

Careful of subconscious flirting too.

 

They say men are dumb. but trust me we do occasionally know when someone is interested. I think given your attraction he is already aware of it. Lots of threads here about cross gender friendships when one of the people is involved.

 

It is a bit of a minefield Butterflying. Keep your own self respect and respect him, his relationship and his girlfriend. You are less likely to be tempted to cross the line into the OW camp then.

[magichands]

I simply don't know how to be friends with anyone. That's why I need advice.

 

I think it just comes down to an equal helping of respect and caring. I really don't look for anything else, nor anything less.

 

I think you are worrying about nothing. Something tells me you would make a great friend.

[Outcast]

Great idea Outcast, but you're not hearing any warning bells? "Putting aside" one's attraction sounds like it is fraught with danger.

 

Then again, maybe not such a good idea. I'm skimming too fast and missed the bit about a girlfriend. Scratch my original answer. I do not think it's a good idea for people in committed relationships to befriend people of the opposite gender precisely because friendship is often a path to love. Sorry to confuse you but magichands is right - this friendship would not be a good idea given the girlfriend.

[Yamaha]

I would keep him in the acquaintance category. The biggest rule is to keep it casual and don't become to close. If you are attracted then don't spend to much time with him as your emotional involvement might escalate. Treat him as you would any other co-worker and things should be fine. It is when you treat them special that things can turn sour.