This is tearing me apart!

[Liz]

I have a problem that I dont know how to fix. Basically, I absolutely hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other women. We have been together over a year now, but it seems to get worse over time. It doesnt make me angry so much as it hurts me deeply. I feel horrible when he buys swimsuit calendars and looks at magazines filled with beautiful model type women. We love each other very much and he doesnt go overboard with this stuff or anything. He knows it hurts me but we have talked about it and he just doesnt understand how I feel. I gained a little weight over the summer, maybe 10 lbs... and I am in a really low state now self esteem wise. He knows this yet he continues to look at these things. I dont think its all his fault or anything like that. I know I have a problem with myself - I just dont know how to fix it. Any little thing will set me off and then I'll be sobbing over it, feeling absolutely worthless. Like I am not good enough for him. I think " If i was good enough, he wouldnt want to look at that those women so much.... he would easily give it up to support me and make me feel better until i get my body back to where i am happy." I hate feeling this way... I want to be comfortable enough with myself that its not an issue.... but i would also like him to be more understanding of how i feel. We always end up getting in an argument over it and i'm crying and we're yelling, and i'm so so hurt. Its tearing me apart inside... I dont know what to do about this... How do i change how i feel??? How do I get him to understand?? We have this arguments so often .... I dont want to get to the point where i just cant take it anymore, b/c i love him so much... I just dont know what to do.... If anyone reading this can help me..in any way, i would appreciate it so much.. please email me and i will get back to you or respond to the message.. thanks

[Totally Confused]

I have a problem that I dont know how to fix. Basically, I absolutely hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other women. We have been together over a year now, but it seems to get worse over time. It doesnt make me angry so much as it hurts me deeply. I feel horrible when he buys swimsuit calendars and looks at magazines filled with beautiful model type women. We love each other very much and he doesnt go overboard with this stuff or anything. He knows it hurts me but we have talked about it and he just doesnt understand how I feel. I gained a little weight over the summer, maybe 10 lbs... and I am in a really low state now self esteem wise. He knows this yet he continues to look at these things. I dont think its all his fault or anything like that. I know I have a problem with myself - I just dont know how to fix it. Any little thing will set me off and then I'll be sobbing over it, feeling absolutely worthless. Like I am not good enough for him. I think " If i was good enough, he wouldnt want to look at that those women so much.... he would easily give it up to support me and make me feel better until i get my body back to where i am happy." I hate feeling this way... I want to be comfortable enough with myself that its not an issue.... but i would also like him to be more understanding of how i feel. We always end up getting in an argument over it and i'm crying and we're yelling, and i'm so so hurt. Its tearing me apart inside... I dont know what to do about this... How do i change how i feel??? How do I get him to understand?? We have this arguments so often .... I dont want to get to the point where i just cant take it anymore, b/c i love him so much... I just dont know what to do.... If anyone reading this can help me..in any way, i would appreciate it so much.. please email me and i will get back to you or respond to the message.. thanks

O:K, let me just B-slap you for a minute. no offense, but grow up. this is no problem. you should be grateful that you have a guy that really cares about you and if cheating on you with magazines is the only thing he's doing then you've got nothing to worry about. keep going the way you're going and I promise you, you will lose him. if you're going to fight with him, fight over something that's a real problem. loving somebody and just physically lusting after someone are 2 totally different unrelated things. I used to work for Playboy Magazine in the NY city. I got all the free mags. i wanted. I had a boyfriend that I would bring these magazines home to him all the time. he loved it and got a kick out of it. he would look at them, but he still loved and was faithful to me. face it, there are women that are going to be 100 times prettier than you and me and the next girl out there and if you are going to be jealous of every single one of them then you better evaluate yourself, not this great guy that you have. you're the one w/ the problem, he's just being human. if you think that he's not going to be attracted to other women you're crazy. any man you date is going to be attracted to other women, it's called human nature. it's who you are inside that's going to keep him around and make him attracted to you fat or thin. if you get on him for looking at other women, he's not going to change and you can't change him, no matter how much you love him or he loves you. ALL MEN LOOK. let him be himself. if you can't love him for who he is, then you don't deserve or belong with him. if you really don't feel good about yourself, then join a gym, don't let your insecurity ruin a good thing. my boyfriend and i would sit in a park and watch all the beautiful people go by. i'd point out a beautiful woman for him to look at and he'd point out a beautiful man for me to look at and we appreciated it and loved each other more for it. when you see a gorgeous guy walk by or see a gorgeous movie star, does it make you want to dump your boyfriend - NO, why because you love him. your boyfriend feels the same way, be thankful he's not gay and stop accusing him of cheating when all he's doing is looking. get over it and leave the poor guy alone. he's with you cause he wants to be there, if he doesn't want to be with you in the end, it's because he doesn't want to be w/ you and there's not a thing you can do about it. i do know one thing, you're definitely going to push him away and lose him if you keep fighting over stupid stuff. he'll feel w/o trust the relationship can't work. wait for him to actually do something really bad, before you get mad next time. if you stop fighting with him about this issue, you'll have nothing but time to make the relationship grow and there would be no more problems. you're your own worst enemy. sorry if i sound harsh, but it's true. don't mess up a good thing, it will be forever before you'll be able to find it again.

[TF]

I have a problem that I dont know how to fix. Basically, I absolutely hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other women. We have been together over a year now, but it seems to get worse over time. It doesnt make me angry so much as it hurts me deeply. I feel horrible when he buys swimsuit calendars and looks at magazines filled with beautiful model type women. We love each other very much and he doesnt go overboard with this stuff or anything. He knows it hurts me but we have talked about it and he just doesnt understand how I feel. I gained a little weight over the summer, maybe 10 lbs... and I am in a really low state now self esteem wise. He knows this yet he continues to look at these things. I dont think its all his fault or anything like that. I know I have a problem with myself - I just dont know how to fix it. Any little thing will set me off and then I'll be sobbing over it, feeling absolutely worthless. Like I am not good enough for him. I think " If i was good enough, he wouldnt want to look at that those women so much.... he would easily give it up to support me and make me feel better until i get my body back to where i am happy." I hate feeling this way... I want to be comfortable enough with myself that its not an issue.... but i would also like him to be more understanding of how i feel. We always end up getting in an argument over it and i'm crying and we're yelling, and i'm so so hurt. Its tearing me apart inside... I dont know what to do about this... How do i change how i feel??? How do I get him to understand?? We have this arguments so often .... I dont want to get to the point where i just cant take it anymore, b/c i love him so much... I just dont know what to do.... If anyone reading this can help me..in any way, i would appreciate it so much.. please email me and i will get back to you or respond to the message.. thanks

[T.F.]

It may be easier to change him then yourself. Tell him how it bothers you and ask him if he would stop looking at other women. If this doesn't work, poke his eyes out. That will stop him from looking.

I have a problem that I dont know how to fix. Basically, I absolutely hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other women. We have been together over a year now, but it seems to get worse over time. It doesnt make me angry so much as it hurts me deeply. I feel horrible when he buys swimsuit calendars and looks at magazines filled with beautiful model type women. We love each other very much and he doesnt go overboard with this stuff or anything. He knows it hurts me but we have talked about it and he just doesnt understand how I feel. I gained a little weight over the summer, maybe 10 lbs... and I am in a really low state now self esteem wise. He knows this yet he continues to look at these things. I dont think its all his fault or anything like that. I know I have a problem with myself - I just dont know how to fix it. Any little thing will set me off and then I'll be sobbing over it, feeling absolutely worthless. Like I am not good enough for him. I think " If i was good enough, he wouldnt want to look at that those women so much.... he would easily give it up to support me and make me feel better until i get my body back to where i am happy." I hate feeling this way... I want to be comfortable enough with myself that its not an issue.... but i would also like him to be more understanding of how i feel. We always end up getting in an argument over it and i'm crying and we're yelling, and i'm so so hurt. Its tearing me apart inside... I dont know what to do about this... How do i change how i feel??? How do I get him to understand?? We have this arguments so often .... I dont want to get to the point where i just cant take it anymore, b/c i love him so much... I just dont know what to do.... If anyone reading this can help me..in any way, i would appreciate it so much.. please email me and i will get back to you or respond to the message.. thanks

[odyne]

And I quote: "Get some self esteem girl!"

 

I see this as an issue that has very little to do with him. As long as you continue to be down on the way you look, you're not going to be able to handle most guys. Now yours sounds like a sweetheart, and it does sound like he is trying, but instead of hoping he'll change, work on changing your attitude. I won't pretend that it's easy, it will take some time and effort. There are some mental and physical things you can do to help yourself deal with those insecurities. If you're willing to give it a try here are a few tips about starting to respect yourself for who you are...

 

1)Start appreciating yourself!

 

I know this probably sounds dorkie and self-help bookish, but ya never know what will work. Start making lists, for every bad thing you think about yourself write down 2 or 3 good things(if you need help with your list, ask your boyfriend, I bet he will have some good ones). Do things that make you feel good, take a walk in the park, spend a day in bed reading your favorite book, start enjoying life a bit more and your problems may fade into the background a little.

 

2)Work out!

 

I wouldn't encourage someone to change their body unless it was their decision, but since you mentioned your weight as part of what is making you insecure, you may want to think about looking into becoming buff. Take it slow, but at least for me, after I work out I tend to feel better about myself. A tiny biological factor to that is when you exercise your body releases natural chemicals that give you energy and make you feel good (endorphins!). The better you feel about yourself the easier it will be for you to accept your boyfriend's typically "guy habits".

 

3)Take an in-depth look at your relationship!

 

It may be hard at times to appreciate something while it's going on, but it sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close. I'm not saying this as an excuse, but a lot of guys do look at magazines and that kind of thing. Consider this though, he's not out chasing after some playboy model is he...? He's with you!! And it sounds like that's where he wants to stay.

 

If you try to become more secure and it still bothers you, then sure, ask him to change. But just understand what you are asking him, and what the overall effect on your relationship could be. He may not feel like he needs to change, but I have a feeling he'd at least try because he loves you. If you ask him to change that, he may ask you to change some of your habits. Be open to compromise. A relationship is all about working together. That's all for now. Take care.

 

-Odyne

[Richie]

Liz,

 

You had both Practical and Self-help kind of advice from "Totally confused" and Odyne. Take Odyne quote to heart "You need to have Self-esteem". To add to their advice,

 

You feel, you are not worthy enough to have him as BF. It is nice to know that you have realised, you have problem in yourself. That is the beginning to remove the problem. Let us see, how you can do this...

 

You are as worthy as any other human being that breathes in this world. Nobody in noaway inferior to anyone. Don't let your body shape or your appearance or your talents to evaluate your worth. Your actions, your achievements, your appearance should not contribute anything to your worth. Learn to feel worthy without any of the above. (If you want, you can work out. But even without that you should feel worthy)

 

Accept him as he is. He is another MAN. I think, he is really a nice guy. Because he is able to put up with you regardless of your harassment for a no-big-issue. Don't leave him because your low self-esteem. Develop it and you can do it in the course of time.

 

All the best in your relationship.

 

-Richie

[KATHY]

I have a problem that I dont know how to fix. Basically, I absolutely hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other women. We have been together over a year now, but it seems to get worse over time. It doesnt make me angry so much as it hurts me deeply. I feel horrible when he buys swimsuit calendars and looks at magazines filled with beautiful model type women. We love each other very much and he doesnt go overboard with this stuff or anything. He knows it hurts me but we have talked about it and he just doesnt understand how I feel. I gained a little weight over the summer, maybe 10 lbs... and I am in a really low state now self esteem wise. He knows this yet he continues to look at these things. I dont think its all his fault or anything like that. I know I have a problem with myself - I just dont know how to fix it. Any little thing will set me off and then I'll be sobbing over it, feeling absolutely worthless. Like I am not good enough for him. I think " If i was good enough, he wouldnt want to look at that those women so much.... he would easily give it up to support me and make me feel better until i get my body back to where i am happy." I hate feeling this way... I want to be comfortable enough with myself that its not an issue.... but i would also like him to be more understanding of how i feel. We always end up getting in an argument over it and i'm crying and we're yelling, and i'm so so hurt. Its tearing me apart inside... I dont know what to do about this... How do i change how i feel??? How do I get him to understand?? We have this arguments so often .... I dont want to get to the point where i just cant take it anymore, b/c i love him so much... I just dont know what to do.... If anyone reading this can help me..in any way, i would appreciate it so much.. please email me and i will get back to you or respond to the message.. thanks

 

Hi, I am going through the same problem with my boyfriend of 9 months. He has posters all over his house, recieves all kinds of x rated materials in the mail, and has more x rated videos than a video store. He is always telling me my dress is not short enough, my clothes are not tight enough, or my heels are not high enough.When we do go out his eyes wander...up and down and up and down!!! We have a great relationship other than this big problem! Is it any wonder I am having problems with my self esteem? He tells me he looks, but he is not looking. He is happy with me and will try to control his wondering eyes. Don't you feel this is disrespect, if it is hurting me? Please respond. Thank you