johnnytable Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I have not contacted my ex in over a month since our breakup and we have not talked. I got an email from her asking about why she wasn't invited to some party that I was going to... wondering if it was because I didn't want to see her. Then I get the usual "my summer is great, how is yours?" stuff. Then she says that she wants to hang out with or without other people around. Some nerve actually. I just read it as, "Your friends didn't invite me. Maybe we could hang out sometime so that they start inviting me again?" What do other people think? I honestly can't see how to reply to something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 You're not obligated to hang out with her in my opinion. Was it a bad breakup? Was there lots of rumors and such going on with your friends? Is there a reason they didn't invite her? If it is easier on you to not hang out with her due to hurtful feelings and raw emotions, then I would certainly turn the offer down. I'm just not getting the full picture of your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 It didn't even come up among my friends (I see these people 2-3 times a week). I think its pretty much a no brainer that you wouldn't invite an ex over in this situation. The breakup was not bad in the fact that we weren't fighting and arguing about it. It was not good in that I wasn't being treated with much respect the last three months of our relationship. However it took me about a month of NC to realize this as I was blind at the time. So in short, I don't feel comfortable hanging out with her. It is definitely too soon and would certainly hold me back from moving on. She also did some mean things IMHO... such as slowly pushing me out of her life while bringing somebody else back into hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 So in short, I don't feel comfortable hanging out with her. It is definitely too soon and would certainly hold me back from moving on. She also did some mean things IMHO... such as slowly pushing me out of her life while bringing somebody else back into hers. So tell her that! Tell her you don't want to hang out with her as you feel the friendship was ruined. Or put it in your own words but just tell her you are not available to "hang out". I never got that. Why do ex's want to hang out? So they can slowly rip your heart out some more? After a breakup, I never wanted to see my ex's again!! Link to post Share on other sites
rugbyrob1990 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 It sounds like your done with her (emotionally), is that correct? I admire your strangth but your leaving out alot of details... ie how long did you date? Did she hook up with another guy? and how was your relationship prior to the 3 bad months? Link to post Share on other sites
Spurned Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 the only appropriate response in this situation is no response whatsoever. Exes lose the right to question you once they break up with you. 'Nuff said. Link to post Share on other sites
Diver012 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 the only appropriate response in this situation is no response whatsoever. Exes lose the right to question you once they break up with you. 'Nuff said. What he said! Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 the only appropriate response in this situation is no response whatsoever. Exes lose the right to question you once they break up with you. 'Nuff said. I agree... in fact, I change my advice, don't even call her back. You don't even owe her a explanation. If she can't figure it out on her own then... Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 We were together for 1.5 years. We were in love, planning to get married and have children. She also has children of her own living with her. We were also looking for a place to move in together. I was starting to become a parental figure for her kids. I felt really good. Then she started to push me out of her life. It was a gradual cutoff taking months. In the meantime her ex moved in with her because he "has no place to stay and is helping with the kids." Of course I got little communication or comfort during this process. It was like she broke up with me months before actually doing so. I of course was being supportive, "giving her space", and all of those other things that we know about After the breakup I responded to a few non-personal emails that she wrote asking for some random information. About a month later, things started to come together in my head about the gravity of what happened. Again this is another email asking me for something, and I don't think it is being done in a caring or respectful manner (ie it shows no understanding of the situation). Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Her ex moved in with her while she was involved in a relationship with you? OOhhhh that is so not acceptible in my book!! I would have broken it off right there!! I understand if he is the father of her kids she would want to help him out, but living with her?? Nope, just ain't gonna happen without something going wrong!! I think you know what you have to do. (Or not do) Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 Her ex moved in with her while she was involved in a relationship with you? OOhhhh that is so not acceptible in my book!! I would have broken it off right there!! I understand if he is the father of her kids she would want to help him out, but living with her?? Nope, just ain't gonna happen without something going wrong!! I think you know what you have to do. (Or not do) I know. Actually one of the most difficult things from this breakup has been living with the fact that I did not break things off myself when this started to happen. I even stayed nice to her and wanted her back after she left me for a few weeks. I knew that it was totally messed up... otherwise I wouldn't have hid the fact from my friends and family out of embarassment! Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 It sounds too early to "hang out" with your ex. Especially since she's a jackass that appears to be trying to string you along. I'd stay in no contact. Not worth the hassle. Especially after moving in her ex and moving you out (figuratively). Link to post Share on other sites
beangirl46 Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I think you should reply with your stance. I don't think no reply is the way to go. Sometimes the other person just doesn't get it. Just tell her. I don't see what function no reply serves, except to withhold the truth from someone who possibly needs to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I think you should reply with your stance. I don't think no reply is the way to go. Sometimes the other person just doesn't get it. Just tell her. I don't see what function no reply serves, except to withhold the truth from someone who possibly needs to hear it. And to show how not interested you are in falling for someone's BS. You can talk and explain something until you are blue in the face and they still will not get it, but cutting off contact... there is just no way in getting around the point it makes. I know specifically of times where I called an ex to explain how I didn't want to be involved with them in any way, and ended up getting sucked right back into it and wishing I would have never called in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I agree with the 'blankers'. What on Earth have you to gain by engaging with such a clearly silly person? Let her think whatever the hell she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I agree with the 'blankers'. What on Earth have you to gain by engaging with such a clearly silly person? Let her think whatever the hell she wants. Blankers?? Link to post Share on other sites
beangirl46 Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 If the ex-bf is the father of her kids, I don't see how it is so completely silly that he moved in with her. "Moving in" can mean a bunch of different things. It doesn't necessarily mean they established a romantic relationship. You have to look at the complexity of the situation here, and consider her situation too-- the fact that she has kids by another man. She might still really love you. I don't see how she's such a "clearly" silly person. I think not replying is the wrong way to go, and that you may actually lose by it. So. . . I still think you should reply with your stance. Just a statement of your stance. Assuming you can do so without getting sucked in. Link to post Share on other sites
audmc911 Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 That's so rude what she did to you, and now she wants to "hang out." Sounds like she just wants to further manipulate you and play some more head games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 If the ex-bf is the father of her kids, I don't see how it is so completely silly that he moved in with her. "Moving in" can mean a bunch of different things. It doesn't necessarily mean they established a romantic relationship. You have to look at the complexity of the situation here, and consider her situation too-- the fact that she has kids by another man. In some circumstances I can agree with this. However, our situation was such that she was going to move in with me. I was becoming a parent to her children, and we were going to have more children together. We were going to live together as she stayed in school. Not saying something about this and simply gradually moving your ex into your house over a 3 month period does not seem to be something that happens in a normal and healthy relationship. It doesn't matter if they were romantic or not. What matters is that it was bugging me and shutting me out of her life. I knew what was going on, but it was denied. The proper thing to do would have been to end things with me first and then start moving him in. Yes I know this is hard to do, but the right thing is not always the easiest. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Not saying something about this and simply gradually moving your ex into your house over a 3 month period does not seem to be something that happens in a normal and healthy relationship. It doesn't matter if they were romantic or not. What matters is that it was bugging me and shutting me out of her life. I knew what was going on, but it was denied. You are absolutely right!! And I'm very glad you see that and are not trying to sugar coat it and stick up for her. It isn't necessarily bad that she wanted to help out the father of her children, but in the process of that she should have considered you first and foremost as the man she was planning on spending her life with. She should have come to you first when the idea had only been mentioned and asked how you would feel about the situation and what she should do. Especially if you guys had already made plans to live together. Have you heard anything more from her as of late? Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 Well I didn't respond to her email. I decided to communicate my decision through silence, just as a woman does by not returning your phone call when you ask her out on a date. Then she called the next day but didn't leave a message. She called again the day after that and left a message. Something to the effect of "I understand if you are avoiding me. I'll stop emailing you and calling you if thats what you want. I just want to know either way. Just leave me a message, otherwise maybe we can hang out." This isn't her words, but more or less communicates what she said. I gave this some thought. I don't like torturing somebody by not responding to them. I felt that it was the caring thing to let her know that I was not interested, and I could then move on since I was not hiding anything from her. So I shot her a quick email that basically said: "Hey (x), I wanted to let you know that I got your messages. Sorry, but I'm not interested in hanging out. Thanks for understanding, (JohnnyTable)" I wanted to be the point, sympathetic, but above all clear so that there is no misunderstanding or debate. I did not feel the need to explain myself. Well she went off on me in email. Saying that I was being cold, she didn't deserve this, f-you, you name it. Saying how she loved me and appreciated me and that she didn't understand. Asking me to explain. It was totally out of control and psycho. Nobody talks to me like this. I wanted to throw up reading the message, so I deleted it. I will not be responding to this sort of behavior. For the record, a normal response would have been: "Thanks for letting me know. I was just missing you and wanted to see you. Give me a call sometime if you feel like it." So in retrospect, never responding would have been the best course of action. It's a shame that things had to end up like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 So in retrospect' date=' never responding would have been the best course of action. It's a shame that things had to end up like this[/quote'] Yep I saw this one coming, I guess some didn't. I know how women are. We can act so loving and caring and understanding but really what we are trying to do is draw you back in. Then when it backfires, we show our true colors. Hey, I'm guilty!! I've done it before as well, thats how come I felt it was best you not respond, but I understand you did what you thought was bet. At least now you see her true colors! Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 I think that she is trying to guilt, provoke, and manipulate me into being in her life instead of bringing me in through care, compassion, and respect. She is effectively blaming me for her pain. Its so weird because the reason that I couldn't be her friend is because I still liked her and I wanted to be with her. Knowing that this is impossible, I have to cut contact so that I can move on. Maybe she would have felt better knowing this, but I don't think that it would have mattered really. She is feeling alone and abandoned and thus freaking out about it which I can understand. However at this point, I don't really see what I can do. Link to post Share on other sites
beangirl46 Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 >>>>>>Its so weird because the reason that I couldn't be her friend is because I still liked her and I wanted to be with her. Knowing that this is impossible, I have to cut contact so that I can move on. Maybe she would have felt better knowing this, but I don't think that it would have mattered really. >>>>She is feeling alone and abandoned and thus freaking out about it which I can understand. However at this point, I don't really see what I can do. JohnnyTable, I understand what you're saying. Having been the girl on the other side of this type of equation (minus the moving in with someone else and not being clear about what I'm doing), I think you should tell her "the reason I couldn't be your friend is because I still liked you and wanted to be with you. Knowing that this is impossible, I have to cut contact and move on." I think it would make her feel **alot** better. I think you will have made your point by that, and will also make her okay by saying it. I think it will be good for both of you, and would be a GREAT thing to do. Basically, in telling her that, you will make her feel less hurt, because you will let her know that you appreciated her. Believe me, it's what she needs to hear. I base this not only on my own experience, but on the experience of other women I know. I hope you find it in your heart to tell her, and not to withold something that she needs to hear. I think it will be good for you too. Hang in there, -BeanGirl Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 At that rate, this vicious cycle will go on and on and on... Link to post Share on other sites
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