Author johnnytable Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 I sent this to her: "Hi (ex), I'm not interested in hanging out because I need distance from you in order to move forward. Continuing to move on would be impossible for me if we were spending time together, so I don't think it is a wise thing to be doing. (JT)" I don't want drama and I'm not going to address her outrage. I'm simply going to ignore that part and let her know why I don't want to see her. Since I don't want her back this isn't about manipulation... but rather peace in my mind and heart. I feel okay now... lets see how I feel in a few hours haha Thanks for your help everybody! Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Um, I just read this thing from end-to-end. Johnny, I respect your wish to end the drama and confusion. I also can see where Beangirl is coming from and I too have been on both sides of the fence. I have to agree with Tim's Angel though, I think maintaining any contact is going to continue the cycle. I really think if she responds you need to also make it clear to her not to contact you again. I actually did this in my break-up back in April. I said explicitly that aside from stuff to do with lawyers and our home equity being divided he was not to contact me. A year ago today, I lost a child. He takes every single opportunity to contact me that he can. He did it for my birthday and he did it today. Today it made me angry because I was sad about something precious to me. I told him that although his sending "thoughts" about me today were appreciated, they were not appropriate. Demonstration of care for someone whilst he is in a committed relationship with someone else is not approriate... and I don't think his girlfriend would think so either. He didn't reply back. I'm sure that he thought I was being ungrateful... but if someone wants to demonstrate they love and care for you (both things he said back in February) then he can damn well demonstrate it by not pi$$ing around and stepping up to the plate. As your ex has clearly demonstrated she can't do that and you have told her you want to move on... it's clear that you are going to have to be the one to maintain NC. So if she mails again, if it were me I'd be asking that she doesn't contact me again. (Doesn't mean it will happen, but the fact that you take that step and lay that boundary is important) Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 She responded and thanked me for my words, being a good person to her, etc. Says that she hopes I can more forward in whatever way necessary. So hopefully this is peace. NC for me now... not going through this again. If she contacts when I am healed, great. If not, then I will not respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Good for you. I hope she leaves it be now. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 8, 2006 Author Share Posted July 8, 2006 I actually thought about this more. Her latest response was like throwing more wood on the fire. I told her that I needed distance, and she responded with things like: -I have no regrets and hope that you don't either (sounds like fishing) -I'm happy to have had you in my life -Thank you for being a good person to me -Signed "Love, (x)" This seems inappropriate and selfish behavior if you ask me! Especially signing it with "love". Clearly she does not want to let me go. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 I actually thought about this more. Her latest response was like throwing more wood on the fire. I told her that I needed distance, and she responded with things like: -I have no regrets and hope that you don't either (sounds like fishing) -I'm happy to have had you in my life -Thank you for being a good person to me -Signed "Love, (x)" This seems inappropriate and selfish behavior if you ask me! Especially signing it with "love". Clearly she does not want to let me go. Woah... hold on soldier. That email did exactly what she planned with it You're right it was a hook. Ignoring it is your best bet. She's definitely trying to engage you. I'm not so much bothered by the L word because she probably thinks she can still use that with you. But what is pertinent is that the tone is waaay friendlier than the raging banshee she was previously... hence, keeping you onside. I don't think you've heard the last of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 Oh when I said throwing wood on the fire, I was referring to the fire of me knowing what she is up to and hopefully not falling for it. Of course it did hook me because I had been thinking about it, but I guess I have been thinking about her anyway. It is a different type of thinking though. Previous to all of this I was more along the lines of "I hope she comes back" but now I am like "make sure you can get away, something isn't right here" Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Oh when I said throwing wood on the fire, I was referring to the fire of me knowing what she is up to and hopefully not falling for it. Of course it did hook me because I had been thinking about it, but I guess I have been thinking about her anyway. It is a different type of thinking though. Previous to all of this I was more along the lines of "I hope she comes back" but now I am like "make sure you can get away, something isn't right here" Doesn't matter my dear, a hook is a hook Be wary of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 Doesn't matter my dear, a hook is a hook Be wary of her. I hear you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 I don't know what to think. Last week I thought she was being manipulative and selfish. I was pissed that she would email me like that and ask to hang out. Now this week I'm feeling like she was reaching out towards me. Her last email was "loving" but maybe it was just selfishness and trying to feel better about herself? Now I don't know what to think. She took some risks by trying to contact me, and I rejected her. Now I'm wondering about her motivations. The brain is a funny thing these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 The brain is indeed a funny thing and it plays funny tricks. Of course only you know this person... I'd be very careful though. Just sayin' Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 For some reason I'm laughing at this one. A week later my ex calls me, something like - "Sorry to be calling you, but I remember that I left a hairdryer over at your place. You also left a towel and a few other things at my place. The hairdryer blew and I don't have funds to get a new one, so I was wondering if we could exchange. You don't have to see me or anything, so I'm open to suggestions." I do know that my ex-gf does not have any money at all... but come on, seriously. Hairdryer? Towel? After I have been in NC mode for 7 weeks and all of the above stuff? Honestly I don't think that I even have it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Oh dear. Not very inventive is she..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 Maybe I could leave it at the end of a dock someplace... around midnight. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Well, if you do still have it and she is short of cash, then there is nothing wrong with just shipping it to her... no email, no call, no notes, nothing. Oh maybe a note to say you don't want the towel though. Also, for what it's worth, if you don't respond to this one and you don't send it back, I'm thinking this could become a 'cause' of hers to get her propertly back... as a way in. You see the two similarities with those things there..? HERS. If it were me, I'd ship it without anything enclosed. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 How are you doing with this otherwise..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 I'm almost positive that it was discarded, but I won't find out until I go home tonight. If so I feel that I can simply let her know that I don't have it anymore and not to worry about my stuff because its not worth the hassle. I had the same thing happen with a previous ex. After like two months she wanted some modem back of hers. I didn't have it anymore and let her know. That was the last I ever heard from her. I'm actually doing pretty good the last couple of days. Monday and Tuesday were a bit rough... thinking about her last contact and such. Then I started to feel better and of course I got this call. The call infuriated me at first and I didn't listen to the message for a few hours. After hearing what she wanted, it no longer bothers me and sort of makes me laugh because a few weeks ago a friend said "soon she will call for her deodorant" and this is not too far off! Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I'm actually doing pretty good the last couple of days. Monday and Tuesday were a bit rough... thinking about her last contact and such. Then I started to feel better and of course I got this call. The call infuriated me at first and I didn't listen to the message for a few hours. After hearing what she wanted, it no longer bothers me and sort of makes me laugh because a few weeks ago a friend said "soon she will call for her deodorant" and this is not too far off! Glad you're doing better. Me too Feels good don't it..? To know that they can try what they want and it wont work. This week I worked out my work email can block addresses (up to now I couldn't do it). They have put all the mail web-based so as well as downloading it to Outlook, now I can configure my own filters and rules. The one remaining contact he has for me is work email. So pretty much, when the house equity is sorted out (if at all) then the 'block' filter comes into force. Pretty much like you though, I'm doing good until something comes in from him and then I think and get angry and upset. Last Friday was the last time... was the anniversary of a miscarriage I had last year, so an emotionally charged day. He sent a mail saying he was thinking about me. So easy to say isn't it..?!! So I replied with 'thinking about an ex-fiancée when you're in a committed relationship with someone else is inappropriate'. Needless to say, not heard anything since! Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Yesterday and Friday were pretty good. Today has been rough, really rough. Last night my ex called again and I didn't answer as I was out with friends and didn't feel like messing up my night. When I went to go listen to the message this morning, to make a long story short, I deleted it on accident. It cannot be recovered. So I didn't know why she was wanting. Hmmm didn't know what to do so I sent a quick email just saying that I didn't get the voicemail because I deleted it on accident. Actually felt okay after this. Then today I ran into a friend and we were hanging out. She was like, "I saw your ex last night! She is..." and I immediately cut her off and told her that I didn't want to hear about it. Weird thing is that my brother had also told her not to say anything to me about it earlier. What is up with people? Anyway all of this stuff just gets me thinking again. Wondering why she called me, probably because she was going to some party or whatever. Who knows. Just venting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted July 17, 2006 Author Share Posted July 17, 2006 Turns out she just wants her blow dryer back. I'll just send it and be done with this stupid saga! Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 I have to be honest Johnny, the way I feel right now, I wish he'd just disappear off the face of the planet. I'm sick and tired of hurting. People keep saying to me, 'yeah but you can move on too'... like you just choose to stop feeling hurt by what someone did to you after 10 years in a relationship. You just wipe it all out. Doesn't work like that does it...?!! I wish my ex would just f*ck off (and I never swear). Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 So I replied with 'thinking about an ex-fiancée when you're in a committed relationship with someone else is inappropriate'. Needless to say, not heard anything since! Why aren't there more strong women who won't be pushed around out there like you? He's going to miss you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author johnnytable Posted August 8, 2006 Author Share Posted August 8, 2006 Hey, I realized that I never replied to this thread to say what happened like 3-4 weeks ago. For those of you who were helping me out with this back then, thank you! I replied back to her about the hairdryer letting her know that I would send it and that she shouldn't bother with my stuff. It was a bit snippy, but not mean or anything. She went off on me pretty hard, saying that she would like to think that she didn't spend a year of her life with a jerk, that I need to chill out and get rid of my "misplaced" anger, she just wanted her f-ing hairdryer back, all we did was break up, she liked the nice version of me, blah blah blah So anyway that is basically how things were left and there has been no communication since. Great way to leave things! Since then I have been feeling better. Some days better than others (the weekend was great but today is a bit of a rehash of old events). It is nice to see that things are getting better though... I'm not so worried about my future anymore. Thanks again everybody, JohnnyTable Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 jt, I am just getting caught up with your story. You have an ABUSIVE X on your hands. Notice that you have very clearly asked her to leave you alone many times, yet she does not. She finds reasons to contact you. She does not respect you and your needs. She does not respect your wishes. She doesn't care about your "healing". She lacks empathy. JT, you are going to have to stop this. She is trying to "triangulate" you with her X, and create drama and intrigue in this passion play she has scripted. You may be flattered by her repeated attempts to contact but they are really "fake", selfish and manipulative and designed to keep you "hooked". She is not an emotionally healthy person. She is needy and manipulative. She plays the victim well and uses "guilt" to control you. She plays on your "nice guy" tendencies. These traits that are so valued in other life situations are not your friend here. The nice guy in you will keep you emotionally hooked on her. This drama that seems to go on and on, will go on and on, because she gets something out of this. You are a source of "supply" to her. You gave her a lot of good emotional support and love and she does not want to lose that. But she got bored of being your lover. She is using you. She isn't going to stop this because its actually fun and exciting for her. She has no empathy for how it makes you feel. If you want to move on, I suggest you take steps to "be gone and stay gone" from her life. Change your phone #. Block her emails. Go 100% NC. If you don't there is a chance she could drag you back in as a "role player" in the new drama she is creating in her life. You will be an important, albeit a supporting character, but never the LEAD. jt, you are starting to figure this out. But please realize what she is doing to you. Realize she does not have your best interests at heart. Please take charge of your recovery and stop being manipulated by this troubled person. You have the power to make it all stop. regards Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 JT- It is almost hard to believe that there is someone out there like your ex. I remember thinking that same thing when I went through what I did. She is sick. You need to run, and fast! She using you and everything you got. Its not your problem any longer that she has things at your place, no matter how broke she is. Why doesn't she ask the OTHER ex in her life to help her out?? She has no real feelings for you. You need to work on have NO feelings for her. If you want to move on, I suggest you take steps to "be gone and stay gone" from her life. Change your phone #. Block her emails. Go 100% NC. If you don't there is a chance she could drag you back in as a "role player" in the new drama she is creating in her life. DITTO. Best Wishes, 2020 Link to post Share on other sites
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