Ex in contact - I am suspicious

[johnnytable]

Thanks you two.

 

Its been over three weeks since I have heard anything from her. I think that a mutual friend of mine also told her to leave me alone since he saw how it was affecting me (I don't know this for sure, but it is pretty likely).

 

Do you still think that I should change my phone number? That would be a huge hassle as I use it for business, not to mention that she could get to me through mutual friends if really necessary.

 

I know that forgiveness is part of the healing process. The events since the breakup has actually made it a lot more difficult to forgive. On one hand she is abusive, and on the other hand she is ill (depression and childhood abuse affecting her). I do know that she planned on getting treatment this summer. Not making excuses for the behavior, mearly stating facts.

 

I don't like carrying around this anger. But when I "forget" about it, I start liking her again which is a big conflict in my brain.

[johnnytable]

It is almost hard to believe that there is someone out there like your ex. I remember thinking that same thing when I went through what I did. She is sick. You need to run, and fast!

 

I think that my nice guy tendancies use her "illness" to let her get away with her actions. I'm also clouded by all of the nice and loving things that she did do in our relationship.

 

She using you and everything you got. Its not your problem any longer that she has things at your place, no matter how broke she is.

 

Just FYI, this was cleared up three weeks ago when I returned everything.

 

She has no real feelings for you. You need to work on have NO feelings for her.

 

This would be nice. Suggestions? My current path is to start seeing her for how she really is, both good and bad. She does have many wonderful qualities, but at the same time you have read this thread.

[2020vision]

You are welcome.

 

Yes, I think you should change your phone number still. She will continue to persist more than likely when you least expect it. I cannot tell you how many times this happened to me. I had to move, change my number TWICE, and block all email addresses, even arrange for my receptionist to screen my calls (And I am in a marketing position so it was very difficult to have my calls screened) So, I understand where you are coming from. Its going to be hard to cut off all forms of communication, but it is necessary. She will not stop messing with your emotions until you nip everything in the bud.

 

I got to the point when I changed my number (for the first time) that I did not trust him (my ex) not to contact me and I simply did not trust myself to NOT accept contact, so I made it impossible. Trust me, it will get better after you do this. Its a hassle at first, but it won't take long to adjust.

 

But remember, not only do you have to do physical things such as email blocking and changing numbers, you have to do your part and emotionally evaluate the situation. Ask yourself why you allowed this to happen to you. This will hopefully ensure this situation does not happen for you again.

 

Good Luck,

 

2020

[2020vision]

 

Just FYI, this was cleared up three weeks ago when I returned everything.

 

Oh sorry did not read every post in the thread!

 

 

 

I think that my nice guy tendancies use her "illness" to let her get away with her actions. I'm also clouded by all of the nice and loving things that she did do in our relationship.This would be nice. Suggestions? My current path is to start seeing her for how she really is, both good and bad. She does have many wonderful qualities, but at the same time you have read this thread.

 

Yes, this is part of the problem. You have to get away from thinking about all the nice things that she did. Write a list of all the bad things about her, use it as a reference for when you are getting sentimental. Because in her case, the bad definetley outweighs the good.

 

Another important thing that I would like to point out to you, that used to cloud my own recovery, was that I would confuse my ex's contact as still having feelings for me. You have to remember that it is an act. Do not confuse her feeble attempts to contact you as compassion. Its harsh, but true.

[johnnytable]

Another important thing that I would like to point out to you, that used to cloud my own recovery, was that I would confuse my ex's contact as still having feelings for me. You have to remember that it is an act. Do not confuse her feeble attempts to contact you as compassion. Its harsh, but true.

 

You don't want to know how much time I have wasted wondering if she was trying to get back together with me or not when she had called me to "hang out" with her.

[bendit]

Please remember that many many people in this world are "ill". Many. You happened to have met one with a certain "illness". Many people have this "illness." In fact some would say that it is so COMMON that it is not even an illness. It is an affliction that EVERY PERSON can relate too.

 

Now, what every person can Not relate too is USING that illness to manipulate the nice guy in you to care about her and be her savior. She is gone. She DUMPED you. She is not letting YOU move on. She is abusive. And she is still using her "illness" to get to you. She is a user. She is selfish and uses this "illness" to further her selfish needs.

 

You have to remember that many many people in this world truly suffer. We ALL suffer in fact. Please feel sorry for those who truly have been dealt a bad hand and let this person who is manipulating you and making you feel guilty, move on and do it to someone else.

 

She is not your problem anymore. You didn't cause her problem. You can't cure her problem. So please try and see the reality of this situation. Good luck.

 

regards

[johnnytable]

You have to remember that many many people in this world truly suffer. We ALL suffer in fact. Please feel sorry for those who truly have been dealt a bad hand and let this person who is manipulating you and making you feel guilty, move on and do it to someone else.

 

I agree with you. However she was dealt a bad hand as she was abused as a child and had to run away from home because of it. So in a sense, I do feel sorry for her.

[bendit]

Yes I Hear you. I feel sorry for her. I truly do. Nobody should have to have that happen to them. But here is where you may be running into trouble. Separate that from your relationship. You were and likely still are, afraid to "abandon" her, because she has had it tough. Was she afraid that you were going to "abandon" her?

 

Your compassion is what kept you "going" long after you probably should have made your exit. No doubt she plays the role of "victim" over and over and over because that's your weak spot. You are likely a soft touch for folks who had it rough. Many of us are. But remember, this gallant trait likely kept you from seeing the truth of what was happening. The "nice guy" in you kept you from having proper boundaries that would have protected you from being hurt.

 

Love is As Love does. That means that words matter a lot less than actions. It's Actions that matter. It is not loving to continue on with you while she is sleeping at home with her X.

 

How were you treated? Was it loving? Did her actions match her words? I would wager that in the beginning you were treated very very well. And then it went South, and probably in rapid fashion.

 

Try and see the Reality of your situation. Everybody suffers. Her troubled past does not excuse her behavior in the present. She does not deserve a "free pass". She should be held accountable like any other. The events of her childhood did not make her bring hee X H back to live with her. That was a decision she made in present time.

 

If you continue to keep her up on a pedestal because she suffered, it may make it more difficult for you to get free and clear. She can continue to play the victim card on you, and others will use this card on you in future. Of course there is room for compassion in our lives. But it must be within the context of maintaining healthy boundaries in our personal relationships.

 

regards

[johnnytable]

Yes I Hear you. I feel sorry for her. I truly do. Nobody should have to have that happen to them. But here is where you may be running into trouble. Separate that from your relationship. You were and likely still are, afraid to "abandon" her, because she has had it tough. Was she afraid that you were going to "abandon" her?

 

She never expressed this fear to me directly, but perhaps deep down inside she did. She said that she was affraid that something would go wrong if we stayed together.

 

Your compassion is what kept you "going" long after you probably should have made your exit. No doubt she plays the role of "victim" over and over and over because that's your weak spot. You are likely a soft touch for folks who had it rough. Many of us are. But remember, this gallant trait likely kept you from seeing the truth of what was happening. The "nice guy" in you kept you from having proper boundaries that would have protected you from being hurt.

 

Yes, victim was a common theme among her and the other people she interacted with.

 

Love is As Love does. That means that words matter a lot less than actions. It's Actions that matter. It is not loving to continue on with you while she is sleeping at home with her X.

 

That is for sure! There were plenty of excuses for it (he didn't have a place to live, he was helping out with the kids, etc). Sure she needed help with the kids, but I or somebody else could have filled that roll. He was not the only option. If he was the option, then things should have been ended with me first.

 

How were you treated? Was it loving? Did her actions match her words? I would wager that in the beginning you were treated very very well. And then it went South, and probably in rapid fashion.

 

I was treated incredibly well for the first year or so. However once things started to go south, they did so quickly. And as you have shown, actions didn't match the words.

 

Try and see the Reality of your situation. Everybody suffers. Her troubled past does not excuse her behavior in the present. She does not deserve a "free pass". She should be held accountable like any other. The events of her childhood did not make her bring hee X H back to live with her. That was a decision she made in present time.

 

Agreed. I remember when she broke up with me, she said that she was sorry and wishes that he hadn't moved in when he did, as if it wasn't something that she couldn't prevent. If she had really cared, then he would not have been there or there would be boundaries allowing him to come help with the kids without moving in with her. So I can understand him helping her out with their children, but I can't justify him moving in.

 

If you continue to keep her up on a pedestal because she suffered, it may make it more difficult for you to get free and clear.

 

This has been a problem, although I think it is becoming less of one. When we first brokeup I let her rely on my emotionally since I still cared for her and felt sorry for her situation. Obviously this was not helping my situation.

[johnnytable]

Another important thing that I would like to point out to you, that used to cloud my own recovery, was that I would confuse my ex's contact as still having feelings for me. You have to remember that it is an act. Do not confuse her feeble attempts to contact you as compassion. Its harsh, but true.

 

I'm curious, do you think it is concious or subconscience that they act this way? Meaning, one second they seem to use love/niceness to hook a person and the next second they use anger to hook the person when the former doesn't work. They certainly seem to have feelings for the other person and maybe they really do, but perhaps they are motivated out of some warped or troubled reasoning. Who knows.

 

I haven't had contact with her in about 5 weeks now, but I have been going over things to get clarity about what happened and more importantly myself.