Tired of the BS...

[uleryrns]

This is really long, please be patient and read...

 

What ever happened to the husband and father being the "provider" for his family? The bible clearly points this out and in fact, states that any man who does not provide for his immediate family, is worse than an ubeliever.

 

I've heard all the advice about putting myself in his shoes, and feeling bad for him, and it's a crock. What about me and all the crap I'm dealing with?

 

Also, people suggesting to cut back on expenses obviously don't realize that it's not that easy to do when you're already living on a minimum income and have MONTHLY living expenses you just can't get rid of. Rent, electricity, water/trash, phone, daycare, car payments, insurance, etc. are all things you have to pay for, in order to live and provide properly for your children.

 

My husband hasn't been able to hold a job for the last 6 years, floating from one customer service job to the next, because he has no other skills and won't branch out to learn anything new. And after about 6 months at one job, he starts to hate it, only to get let go, quit or find another job that is the same thing only with a different company.

 

So he quit his last job, thinking he could get on with UPS as a driver. But neither of us realized how terrible those jobs are and that it wasn't a good fit for my husband at all. So it left him unemployed and he finally made the decision himself, to go to trucking school to become a truck driver. He finally realized he needed a career that would make decent money so he could provide for his family properly.

 

Luckily, he finally made a decision and follwed through with it, to go to school. But the problem we have, is that while he's in school, we don't have enough income (with mine alone) to cover our expenses. There are a couple things we could give up, but we'd only save about $150/month, which won't pay rent or our car payments. Then take into account the costs of adding them back on and paying any disconnect fees, and it's not worth it. My husband HAS to get a job in order for us to make rent and our car payments. My income pays for everything else. I've gone down and applied for government assistance, for whatever we can qualify for, and I'm still waiting for the decision on that. Hopefully we'll at least get some food stamps. Meanwhile, with whatever loans we could get and borrow, my husband still has to work full time. He only goes to school 4 hours a day, so it shouldn't be that hard to get something.

 

But although he agrees and tells me he's willing to get a job, he just sits on his ass and applies to maybe ONE place a week. He really does not look for a job, and then lies to me and tells me he does, when I KNOW he doesn't. And then he gets all pissy and defensive when I confront him and doesn't seem to understand why I'm so angry, depressed and disappointed. I'm at my wits end with him, and about ready to send him packing. I've done everything in my power to help the situation and there isn't anything else I can do. I've cut back on what we can, I've asked for gov't assistance, I've sent out as many resumes as I can, on his behalf (since he won't even bother). Which by the way is something I've had to do every time he's been between jobs because it's like this every time. He doesn't look for work. He acts like it'll fall into his lap or magically appear. But if it weren't for me, he would not have gotten his last 4 jobs, because I sent out his resume, not him. But it's so frustrating for me, to sit here, knowing our bills are not going to be paid, knowing there is no more money coming in, knowing that without him working we could get evicted and lose our cars and our credit will be messed up good, and I'm not able to do anything about it. Is it any wonder I really truly don't like my husband and think he's pathetic, right now? Is it any wonder why I feel so much resentment and disappointment in him?

 

It's like he does not see the ramifications of his inactions. He only thinks about himself right now, and he doesn't want to have to work, so he's being his usual lazy selfish self, making excuses and finding ways out of not working.

 

In the last 6 years of our (7 year) marriage, he's proven that he's not a man of his word. I don't trust what he says, I don't have faith in anything he tells me he'll do, and pretty much most of what comes out of his mouth, I think is B.S. and dont' believe it. His follow thru is pretty much non-existant. He's proven that he's not a good provider as a man and a father and isn't a very good husband. And this "financial" issue is only a tip of the iceberg when it comes to issues we have. He's bipolar on top of it all and I've gone through (and continue to go through) a boat load of verbal, mental and emotional abuse with him as well. You could say he has mood swings from hell, and he gets very angry and acts like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum (literally). I take care of all our bills and finances because he wouldn't know the first thing about how to. And whenever we've had financial issues in the past, I am the one who handles them. His answer is to run to mommy or a family member and ask them for money to borrow, just like he does now while he's in school. Not thinking about the fact that we still have to come up with that money to pay it back later. And instead of being a man and getting a job to provide for his family, he expects everyone else to pay his way, while he sits on his ass.

 

I get so tired of him looking to me, like it's my fault he has to do this and second, like it's my responsibility and I should work my full time job, then get a second full time job, plus take care of all the responbilities of the houshold, the kids and the finances, while he sits on his ass and does nothing. It's not my responsibility to put him through school. We talked about it before he joined up and he knew (and agreed) he would probably have to get a job to pay bills, but now he acts all disgruntled, and claims he's being railroaded, because he has to go to school and then work. He is in school only 4 hours a day and his homework takes maybe an hour of reading and that's it. But he acts and talks like he's going to be SO overwhelmed because he has to work full time and go to school. How many people have done it and made it through? How many people have worked more than one job and go to school full time, for 4 years? He only has 4 months!!!

 

So I'm at my wits end because I can't do anything. At this point, I'm torn. I want to leave him, and feel it would be a big relief and weight off my shoulders from having to deal with his tired lazy, selfish ass and all the problems he brings to the table. Our marriage has not been happy for me for a really long time and this is just more fuel to that fire. He needs to really grow up and be a man and be reliable and responsible and he needs to stop lying to me and bs-ing me. We've gone to counseling and it really didn't help. At first, he'd make a little change here and talk about doing things better and being a better man, but as I said earlier, he's all talk and NEVER the walk. He rarely ever backs up anything he says and just goes back to being the same. I can't live with that. I don't want our children living with that and being taught that it's ok to not follow thru and not be a man of your word. I don't want them to be selfish and lazy, irresponsible and unreliable, not to mention learn how to disrespect their wives or treat women badly. I think of all the things my husband is passing down to our children and I want to scream.

 

But then I look at the other side and think about divorce or seperation. In some ways I would be relieved, but would things be worse between us, then they are? We vowed to stay together, and took those vows seriously. I know my husband loves me. And I know I love him, but right now, I have a hard time feeling or expressing that love for him. I feel like I've been pretending a lot and I know that's not fair. But if I tell him the truth, all of this I'm saying here, I think he would be too devastated and become depressed. I have a feeling he also may not get the full magnitude of my feelings. I've told him some of this before and we've had long talks about his responsibilities, etc., and he says some of the most wonderful things, but never follows thru with them. I feel like I keep giving and giving and trying to be as supportive as I can be, but he always leaves me wanting more from him and feeling completely disappointed by him. I wonder if he'll ever change.

 

Then I worry about how splitting up would affect the kids. They'd still see him, but he wouldn't be a big part in their lives, but would that be so bad? Would it be better not to be around a bad influence? Don't get me wrong, he's not all bad, he is a good father. He's attentive and loving and disciplines them well. But his bad behaviors are really rubbing off on our kids and I hate that. He's teaching his oldest (my step son) that's it's ok to lie because he does it to me right in front of his son and his son knows it's a lie. He'll tell me he doesn't smoke in our house while I'm at work, but I know he does because I can smell it when I get home. When I confront him, he lies to me and then later his son will tell me he was smoking. Or he'll tell me he's looking for work (when I'm calling from my work) and his son will tell me he wasn't, he just told me that and was playing games on the computer instead. And I know he wasn't looking because I look at the browser history and see no browser was ever opened at all. I know being the lazy man that he is, that he didn't look in the phone book and he certainly didn't go out of the house either. Just more of his BS, to appease me and shut me up so I won't give him grief for just sitting on his ass. He gets upset if I treat him like a child, but yet expects me to be like his mother and take care of him...

 

But if I leave him, where do I go? I would take the kids, but we have no money, and no where to go. And if I kick him out, he'd probably go to his moms, but what really would that solve? Eventually, I'm gonna get kicked out too, when we can't pay rent. I keep thinking I don't want a divorce because I believe in my marriage vows and I'm holding on to the hope that he'll grow up eventually. I'm holding on to the hope that after he gets out of school, he'll get into a good job and be on the road a lot, so I won't have to deal with his crap so much. I keep hoping he'll become more responsible and reliable after being on the road driving, and he'll grow up into the man I know he can be. I've seen the good in him, I know it's there, but for the last 6 years, I have been feeling like I have 3 children, not 2. And handling all the responsibilities myself, is NOT what a marriage is supposed to be. We are supposed to handle things together, equally, side by side. And he's not doing his share at all. And I've had enough. Am I hoping for too much?

[Curmudgeon]

I don't think you're hoping for too much but I have my doubts as to whether you'll ever get what you're hoping for from him. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and the best way to avaoid disappointment is to not have expectations.

 

Vows are important, or should be. So, too, is raising and protecting your children who are learning from him what they live. The lessons aren't good ones if they include lying, laziness and irresponsibility.

[HeyYouGuys]

I agree with Curmedgeon

 

A marriage takes two people. If one person continually chips away at the trust, respect and honor that is supposed to be the foundation of a marriage, what is the other person supposed to do?

 

I don't think God intended for us to stay in abusive marriages that put others' health, safety and self-esteem at risk.

 

If you have truly tried everything in your power to save your marriage and he hasn't helped, it may be time to walk away. Yes, it will be difficult but is it really any easier keeping him around when you are so unhappy?

 

You sound very religious. Have you talked to your pastor or minister about your problems? Perhaps they have organizations through your church that can help you. Plugging into a spiritually-based program may help you with the emotional issues that are troubling you.

 

God helps those who help themselves, I believe. It sounds like you did everything to help your husband. Now it's time to take care of you.

[Walk]

My bf became a truck driver shortly after I met him, and I've spent a lot of time learning about the industry. (CDL A license) If he can't get a job after graduating, then he's actively fighting to NOT get a job. Companies are desperate for drivers. If he can't get a job, then I would assume he doesn't want one. Besides, companies send reps to the schools to snatch up the newbies. Usually the bad companies, but they hound those students to sign a contract with them.

 

I think... your husband lies because he knows he wasnt' doing what he should've been doing. It's easier to lie to you then listen to you chew him out about it. He has a mother standing over him telling him to "be an adult" and to grow up, and he resents it.

 

I think you could give him one last shot. Let him sink or swim on his own. And I'd explain this to him. Let him know that you won't check up on him any more. You'll stop asking him if he's applied to companies, stop being his "mother" and making sure he did his homework, or his chores. Stop asking him if he did what he was supposed to, or what he did with his day. Just leave him to his own capabilites. Those training schools don't last all that long. Its temporary. If he can't get a job within weeks, or a month, of finishing, then kick him to the curb.

 

Why do you need two cars? You probably need one. Why does he? Even if that means you have to drop him off at his school in the wee hours of the morning and not pick him up until late at night. Besides, he really won't need a car after he gets hired on by a trucking company... He'll never be home enough to use it.

[SpoiledBrattyCakes]

Hello uleryrns,

I completely understand where you're coming from. I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years. He is bipolar too and he receives soc sec. --always has because his bipolar is severe. He has heart problems, back problems, etc.

 

I believe the motivation your husband is feeling may have to do with the bipolar disorder as well as him lying constantly. I'm not giving him an excuse but it may help with your frustration and help you understand where he is coming from. Has he applied for soc sec? Unemployment? Etc? This may help the both of you out financially.

 

My husbands and my credit had already been shot before we got married. His credit is his responsibility and his alone. My credit, I can blame partly on identity theft and it's currently being repaired.

 

Here are the two opposites in my marriage. I take care of all the finances. I have good money managing skills that I have learned on my own that work well for me. I know better than to buy what we can not afford. On the other hand, my husband rec's his monthly check and spends it like it's water. He has 4 payday loans that he took out during the time that we had a joint checking account. I decided enough was enough and that we get separate accounts because I would give him the responsibility to PAY THE BILLS after I had created and reviewed the budget with him every month and all of a sudden nothing would get paid. He would have some excuse about how busy he was all day. Yeah, he was too busy spending money and paying back these payday loan companies that he didn't have time to do anything I asked. I too am only paid once a month. I work for the County and this money has to last ALL MONTH. On top of that we were paying check fees for NSF checks that he would write, not tell me about, and things would start to bounce like rubber balls. Talk about frustrating.

 

So we got our separate accounts. Last month we paid what we needed to. My husband ended up in the ER because he had been having heart attacks. He had several of them in the course of a month before my father in law finally took him to the ER. He quit smoking that day too.

 

It's been two weeks since he's been back home and I found out yesterday that he has been smoking and he has already spent ALL of his money. I decided that I was not going to worry and be a "mother" to him. It's his responsibility to learn how to handle this situation. I tried to teach him, talk to him, etc. and things stayed the same no matter what except we were getting into more and more debt. I put a stop to it. Separate checking accounts.

 

I make a decent living and I've come to realization that I need to only budget the money I make to cover all of the bills every month. So I need to live as if I were the only breadwinner in the household. I know what I can and cannot afford and it's not easy. But you need to put your foot down. Quit nagging your husband. It doesn't help anyone and it doesn't move things along quickly.

 

I think you need a plan. You need a budget. Are both of the vehicles in both your names or are they separate? Because if they are separate, I would say to hell with it. PAY YOUR BILLS not his. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. The way I read in your post, you're trying to do everything for everyone and that can't work (has not worked either) and it's driving you insane. You'll be weaving little baskets soon if you don't figure something out for yourself and children.

 

Hope this helps. Goodluck!

[uleryrns]

If he can't get a job after graduating, then he's actively fighting to NOT get a job. Companies are desperate for drivers. If he can't get a job, then I would assume he doesn't want one.

 

True. And he still has 5 more months before finishes school before we even think about that. Right now he needs a job to cover our living expenses WHILE he's in school. I'm pretty confident he'll get a job right from school and he already knows who he wants to work for and what he needs to get in school to get with that company. He already has a game plan set out for what type of driving he wants, where he's willing to drive to/routes, etc. He's really excited about it and it is nice to see him finally excited and happy about something, so that alone makes me feel better about our future and him.

 

I think... your husband lies because he knows he wasnt' doing what he should've been doing. It's easier to lie to you then listen to you chew him out about it. He has a mother standing over him telling him to "be an adult" and to grow up, and he resents it.

 

Not so much that I chew him out, but I do get on his case about following through and being responsible. I don't think it's too much to expect a 35 year old man, with 3 kids to be able to do what he says and be a man of his word. If he resents that, than we have issues, because I do NOT want to be his mother, by any means and I HATE having to remind him. He'll often tell me to remind him, because he forgets easily. Now, I resent HIM for that. I think, he's a 35 year old adult, he should be able to remember his responsibilities and I should NOT have to remind him. IMO, he needs to do what it takes to remember to remember.

 

I think you could give him one last shot. Let him sink or swim on his own. And I'd explain this to him. Let him know that you won't check up on him any more. You'll stop asking him if he's applied to companies, stop being his "mother" and making sure he did his homework, or his chores. Stop asking him if he did what he was supposed to, or what he did with his day. Just leave him to his own capabilites. Those training schools don't last all that long. Its temporary. If he can't get a job within weeks, or a month, of finishing, then kick him to the curb.

 

Already done. I made the decision last week, that I've done all I can and can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink, so to speak. So I leave him alone and if he calls me up to tell me he has something lined up, great, I'm all supportive. Otherwise, I keep my mouth shut. However, if he doesn't get a job by the time his school is done, well, we'll both be on the curb because we won't have our house anymore OR any cars. But you're right. I actually gave a time frame of when his son (my step son) leaves to go back home to his moms in August and if he doesn't have a temporary job lined up by then, he'll be packing his bags.

 

Why do you need two cars? You probably need one. Why does he? Even if that means you have to drop him off at his school in the wee hours of the morning and not pick him up until late at night. Besides, he really won't need a car after he gets hired on by a trucking company... He'll never be home enough to use it.

 

WE need 2 cars because it's not feasible otherwise. 1) We live in Phoenix, AZ where it's really too hot to walk or ride a bike during the day and the distance from home to school is 25 miles one way, 2) we have 2 young kids (2 yr & 4 yr) we have to transport to day care and while he's home not working, he watches the kids to save us money and needs a car to transport them around, 3) I work a totally different schedule (also about 20 miles from home)than he does and as soon as he starts working he'll need to get from school to work and home LATE at night (11pm or 12am) and it's just not feasible to have to pile the kids in the car that late to pick him up from work.

 

Probably after he starts driving, yea we won't need a 2nd car so much, but right now, it's not even up for discussion. He needs one and I need one.

 

God works in mysterious ways. I have faith in Him. And incidentally, I had sent an email to our pastor at church explaining in minor detail about this situation and my feelings (although not so much about leaving him, just not having faith in him) and when the pastor wrote back saying he'll pray for us and possibly start something in church for men like my husband, my husband read it and scrolled down to see what I had written to the pastor. So when I got home yesterday, my husband had obviously gotten upset because the office chair was toppled and the mouse and keyboard were all askew and he was outside talking to his mom. He didn't mention it though and was all cool and calm and just said he'd had a tantrum and was over it. I didn't tell him I knew why, I just left it at that, because he finally knows what I'm really thinking. And how can he get mad at me for what I feel? How can he be mad that I wrote to my pastor for prayer for him and us and shared my thoughts and feelings about things with my pastor? I can't see any reason. But I think he realizes now that he needs to step it up and be a man. He may have been putting me off and thinking it didn't matter, whatever, but now that he knows more how I really feel, he has to admit, he's been lazy and selfish. And in the past, when he's called out and comes to terms with it, he'll step it up.

[uleryrns]

I think you need a plan. You need a budget. Are both of the vehicles in both your names or are they separate? Because if they are separate, I would say to hell with it. PAY YOUR BILLS not his. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. The way I read in your post, you're trying to do everything for everyone and that can't work (has not worked either) and it's driving you insane. You'll be weaving little baskets soon if you don't figure something out for yourself and children.

 

We already have a budget, one that I control completely. Getting different accounts would be competely pointless, since he's not making money. And he's actually VERY good about calling me and asking if he can spend anything if he needs to (even for gas for his car). That is not the issue and neither is our budget.

 

Unfortunately for us, we are in a lease on our house rental and can't get out of it. And even if we could, we'd still be paying the same amount in rent, unless we lived in shack. We do not live beyond our means, and only have the bare necesseties, except for our internet (which we use all the time for job hunting and the like) and our cable, which is our only source of entertainment. Cutting those two things out will not save us much money and will not be worth cutting out.

 

What we need is for him to be working, PERIOD. We need to have 2 incomes. Our cars are in both our names because we could not qualify for them unless we both were on them, so it's not possible to get it changed to one name only. Our rental is in both our names, and our insurance is in both our names because both our cars are insured and both of us need to be insured. Pretty much all of our bills are in both our names because we're married, so paying for my bills only, does not work, especially when we share all expenses.

 

I see your point, but the only thing that can be done at this point, is living with the consequences of inaction. And for better or worse, if he messes up, I get taken for the ride. So is marriage.....