career/life choice

[yes]

Hi,

 

I know it's a love-talk forum, but i'd like advice from u guys if u dont mind... please bear with me.

 

i'm sort of at cross-roads: 2nd year university (Toronto)... and no clue about what to do with my life... or rather, what i wanna do changes everyday... one day im sure comp sci is what i wanna continue to study ... then i work on a big comp sci project (takes a week of no sleep or food, no time for hobbies, barely make it at my job) and start feeling like it's not my thing - like i am capable of it, but it's not natural or something...

 

since i come from russia, im now thinking of try to study in order to teach russian & russ. literature later on... and possible english as well - im thinking of the chances it gives to live in asia and other places - ... i'd probably be okay since i've been living in canada for 5 years and my accent is not heavy at all...

 

so... i was talking to a friend of mine... and he sort of opened my eyes to all the options... i had it set in my mind that i gotta study, then do a masters, then get a job, yada yada - basically the projection created by my parents.

 

but he said stuff like - if u'r under so much stress, why not study part-time n work part-time (right now i'm studying "full-time" and working "part-time")... he also said maybe go back to moscow for a while... or backpack in europe... etc. Now i know my parents will HATE any idea except for me studying full-time, getting a master's etc...

 

i think they do this unfairly, but they view their immigration as a kind of sacrifice they made, and they say stuff like - after we've done that for u, u simply MUST be successful, so that we didnt do it in vain, yada yada...

 

i think it's unfair, but it does put mental pressure on me... they've always been pressuring me to be "one of the best" (maybe all parents do?)... but now im realizing i am simply not one of the best, and that pressure is what's not letting me be happy with who i am ...

 

do u get the kinda messy confusion i'm in??

 

NO CLUE what to do ... there's also a pressure of getting off my parents' back financially (i am paying tuition but i still live at home) b/c they have to support their old parents ... so i need to be $-ly independent SOON ... which i can probably do if i keep studying comp sci ... only 2.5 yrs left...

 

Ahhh!!!

 

All the above is i think the reason im not happy in any relationship - how can i be, if im not at peace with myself?

 

the guy who was talking bout all these options is also doing comp sci, but it comes to him naturally (probably less naturally that he says but still...)... his motto is to do what he enjoys ... i don't know how much of it is just words b/c he is at a very very tough school (tougher than mine)... and he might be boasting too cuz he likes me...

 

so my question is, i guess... where do i set my priorities... how do i even start to decide what i'll do for the rest of my life *shudder*

 

how did you guys decide on yr careers? are you happy with your choices?

 

i feel sometimes like i've got to get away from my parents because they're imposing their mind-set on me, and i cant break free and decide for myself, by myself what the heck i wanna do ...

 

i went on a trip this summer for a month ... and that was what started this whole confusion mess ... i saw so many options. met soo many people doing the craziest variety of things... and i felt like such a nothing for not having tried much in my life... i know - ranting on here doesn't help me try things. blah.

 

also... i realized i'll always stay this indecisive baby if i follow my parent's view of life - study, get married, etc. cuz i'll never be alone... they think i shdn't move out until i marry... hell...! am i wrong to think that i need to be on my own to figure it all out? not even figure it all out, but to learn about myself. i feel like i know so much more about how people would like me to be than how i really am. question arising is - am i who i make myself be, or is there some ME inside to be discovered?...

 

anyway........... any advice or insights? thanks...