after the breakup-when do you feel better? I am still Mad..

[curly]

First time on loveshack message board, I need your advice folks. How do you survive the antics of absentee husbands over holidays? I am 39 and my marriage is over except for the legal stuff: my husband calls me early am to say he is spending Thanksgiving with a "friend", he is on the West coast and I am on the East. The friend was a girl as I overheard her during his phone call to me, driving in my car that I guess is now his. This guy was a depressed jerk, now he seems happy. I am glad he has moved on and I am even glad I am out of the picture, but I am still mad at him for wrecking my finaces and making me feel worthless, I have the kids 15 & 11 and they are glad he is gone, and can deal with him much better now that he is out of the house. We have peace here, but the thought of him moving on with another woman and being happy, drives me nuts.. I work so hard and I am a returning college student, I am overwhelmed with my daily duties, I am physically and mentally tired, and this anger that wells up inside of me is zapping my strenght through my favorite holidays. I can't enjoy the holidays because of this anger. One more sappy Christmas tune of love's returning home for the holidays, I think I will scream! How did some of you get through this time of year and a bad relationship to boot? What do you do to distract yourself from a bad relationship? Please details and stories folks--I need your help,imediately. thanks, Curly

[Miss Mojo]

hi curly,

 

many of us have had to pick up the pieces of a break-up knowing that out ex has moved on with someone else. it does hurt but it is important to not view it as a reflection on you.

 

a good place to start is to understand that:

 

a) he really does deserve to be happy;

 

b) you too will find a great partner in time;

 

c) it does not mean that you weren't or aren't capable of being a great partner. you are. it just so happens that *both of you* aren't as compatible as you wished you could have been;

 

d) you have done the right thing by going your seperate ways;

 

e) the marriage may not have worked but you produced two great children; (for the sake of the kids, put on a happy face if you have to. as a child of divorced parents, i know how a parent's unhappiness can affect a child).

 

f) you have learnt a LOT from this relationship not working out;

 

g) you too have the capacity to get out there and do great things for yourself and meet great people;

 

i) learn to feel happy about who you are and all the good things you have to offer someone;

 

j) this pain won't last forever.

 

i have actually found it a lot easier to get over a bad relationship than a good one. the more you think about what problems were in your relationship, the more you will accept that it's a really good thing you are not together anymore. write down a list of all the things about him that drove you nuts. as a matter of fact, keep a journal and write in it everyday. venting on paper is excellent for getting those angry feelings out.

 

i have an ex who moved on quicker than i thought he would. i was devestated when i found out and i was angry with him, but then i realised that it is ridiculous to be angry at him because as i mentioned above, he has every right to try and find someone else. he didn't finding someone else because i wasn't good enough as a girlfriend, he found someone else because we were no longer a couple. it was no reflection on me whatsoever.

 

i found a good way to distract myself from dwelling on how much i was hurting to:-

 

a) write down how i felt (it is very cathartic);

 

b) make plans for the future;

 

c) tell myself that i am not going to let *1 PERSON* affect me so much and have that emotional power over me;

 

d) self-affirmation: "i'm a really great person"..."i have a lot to offer"..."i will find a wonderful relationship again"...."i deserve so much and i'm not settling for second best"...etc.

 

e) be aware that your husband leaving has just opened up the door for so much potential happiness. you are now free to find someone who will make you feel fantastic and vice-versa.

 

i know the pain you are feeling (although i wasn't married), but it hurts all the same. i promise you that you *CAN* enjoy this christmas. think of your children and the smiles on their faces on christmas morning. know that this time next year, you could be happier than you've ever been in your life.

 

and by the way, just because he's "moved on" doesn't mean it will work out. try not to be bitter because it serves no purpose other than affecting your physical and emotional health.

 

best wishes and have a great christmas

[curly]

hi curly, many of us have had to pick up the pieces of a break-up knowing that out ex has moved on with someone else. it does hurt but it is important to not view it as a reflection on you. a good place to start is to understand that:

 

a) he really does deserve to be happy; b) you too will find a great partner in time;

 

c) it does not mean that you weren't or aren't capable of being a great partner. you are. it just so happens that *both of you* aren't as compatible as you wished you could have been; d) you have done the right thing by going your seperate ways; e) the marriage may not have worked but you produced two great children; (for the sake of the kids, put on a happy face if you have to. as a child of divorced parents, i know how a parent's unhappiness can affect a child). f) you have learnt a LOT from this relationship not working out; g) you too have the capacity to get out there and do great things for yourself and meet great people; i) learn to feel happy about who you are and all the good things you have to offer someone;

 

j) this pain won't last forever. i have actually found it a lot easier to get over a bad relationship than a good one. the more you think about what problems were in your relationship, the more you will accept that it's a really good thing you are not together anymore. write down a list of all the things about him that drove you nuts. as a matter of fact, keep a journal and write in it everyday. venting on paper is excellent for getting those angry feelings out. i have an ex who moved on quicker than i thought he would. i was devestated when i found out and i was angry with him, but then i realised that it is ridiculous to be angry at him because as i mentioned above, he has every right to try and find someone else. he didn't finding someone else because i wasn't good enough as a girlfriend, he found someone else because we were no longer a couple. it was no reflection on me whatsoever.

 

i found a good way to distract myself from dwelling on how much i was hurting to:- a) write down how i felt (it is very cathartic);

 

b) make plans for the future; c) tell myself that i am not going to let *1 PERSON* affect me so much and have that emotional power over me; d) self-affirmation: "i'm a really great person"..."i have a lot to offer"..."i will find a wonderful relationship again"...."i deserve so much and i'm not settling for second best"...etc. e) be aware that your husband leaving has just opened up the door for so much potential happiness. you are now free to find someone who will make you feel fantastic and vice-versa. i know the pain you are feeling (although i wasn't married), but it hurts all the same. i promise you that you *CAN* enjoy this christmas. think of your children and the smiles on their faces on christmas morning. know that this time next year, you could be happier than you've ever been in your life. and by the way, just because he's "moved on" doesn't mean it will work out. try not to be bitter because it serves no purpose other than affecting your physical and emotional health.

 

best wishes and have a great christmas Dear Miss Mojo, Thanks for your heartfelt response to my question, it will help. Thank you for helping me through it and Happy Holidays to you. Signed Curly