Confused

[Stan]

I've been dating "Sue" for over five years. We pseudo-live-together (i.e., she hasn't been in her apt. in 5months). I just bought a place and am closing next week. Sue and I need to decide what is going on. I know that Sue would like nothing more than for us to get married and start (continue) a life together. But she's also just about lost her patience -- so a decision needs to be made.

 

Sue is a truly wonderful woman. Kind, sincere, intelligent and she loves me unconditionally. So what is my problem? My whole life has centered around the (ridiculous - I realize now)philosophy that 'there is always something better'. No matter what I've ever achieved, I've never been satisfied and have rarely appreciated my accomplishments. Now poor Sue has to deal with it.

 

I do love Sue but I'm beginning to question whether I'm 'in love' with her. Is that a legitimate thought. What's the difference? After so much time, should there still be the 'sparks'? She is unquestionably my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I just can't figure out whether I'm scared to 'settle down', scared that I'm 'settling', or scared to be alone. This has been making me absolutely CRAZY for a long time.

 

When I think about living w/o Sue, I get horribly anxious. and when I allow myself to think about committing to her, and spending my life with her, I feel calm. Is that the answer?????

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Joe]

If you've been with her for five years, it sounds like you love her. Regarding your philosophy that there is always something better for you, that may be true but you don't know. Remember, it could be true for Sue also.

 

If you marry her, you may at times wonder if you've made the right decision, but those thoughts will quickly pass. Before you know it, you will become so busy with trying to keep bills paid, house and cars repaired, children feed, clothed, schooled and out of trouble, that you will not have time to even ponder the decision you made.

I've been dating "Sue" for over five years. We pseudo-live-together (i.e., she hasn't been in her apt. in 5months). I just bought a place and am closing next week. Sue and I need to decide what is going on. I know that Sue would like nothing more than for us to get married and start (continue) a life together. But she's also just about lost her patience -- so a decision needs to be made. Sue is a truly wonderful woman. Kind, sincere, intelligent and she loves me unconditionally. So what is my problem? My whole life has centered around the (ridiculous - I realize now)philosophy that 'there is always something better'. No matter what I've ever achieved, I've never been satisfied and have rarely appreciated my accomplishments. Now poor Sue has to deal with it. I do love Sue but I'm beginning to question whether I'm 'in love' with her. Is that a legitimate thought. What's the difference? After so much time, should there still be the 'sparks'? She is unquestionably my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I just can't figure out whether I'm scared to 'settle down', scared that I'm 'settling', or scared to be alone. This has been making me absolutely CRAZY for a long time. When I think about living w/o Sue, I get horribly anxious. and when I allow myself to think about committing to her, and spending my life with her, I feel calm. Is that the answer?????

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Denee']

I think that you need to let her know how you feel. I feel that if she is all that you say she is then there should not be any questioning the relationship. How old are you two anyways? You have a good thing so don't take advantage of the relationship. You seem like you guys do not communicate. Your relationship could be any way you want it if you just communicate on an open minded level. You need to compomise also. Those are two major components to a happy and Successful relationship. I wish you would open your eyes and see what you have before you loose it. I have almost the same problem with my boyfriend/fiance'.

 

I have been in a 6 year relationship. He never hardly communicates. We have been living together for 2 years.

 

My parents just helped us start to buy a single wide mobile home. He just decided to move to CA and told me that he was going to come back in a week, and a week turned into three weeks. We started fighting about it every time he comes home. He does not have a job and lives with his cousin. He would rather hang out with him anymore then to see or talk to me. I ask him if he loves me an is still in love with me and he says that he does but I just don't see it. It seems that I am 2 best to him and not his 1st priority anymore. He tells me to wait to move down there with him. His cousin said that he doesn't want couples living with him. I feel like he is just holding on to me for a back up person when his cousin is not there for him. What does it sound like to you? Does he love me? Does he want me to move up there with him or not?

[Richie]

Stan,

 

Yes. That is the answer. Both are in love with each other. There is no doubt about it. About your philosophy, you commented very accurately and you have realised, your philosophy is wrong and going to ruin your life. Yes. It will if you let it. Looking for a BETTER is an endless loop. You can never get the best. Always there is a room for betterment and improvement. You know her worth. Grab her before you lose her. Don't let your thinking to reach her. It may upset her.

 

You may fear, if you are settled you cannot achieve. That is not true. Nothing can prevent your achievement if you choose to achieve. Appreciate yourself for every good thing you do. Pat yourself and talk to yourself(Stan, you are great. You really made her happy by giving her the birthday present she wanted for years)

 

One final thing, you need your own family to love and care for and be loved. Content family life will boost you to succeed and achieve. If you follow the philosophy, sorry to mention, you will never get married.

 

Expecting your marriage invitation,

 

-Richie

[Sally]

If you've been dating for over 5 years and still aren't sure of your feelings, then that might be a flag that you shouldn't be together. Just because she's a wonderful person, doesn't mean you are a horrible person if you are not in love with her. I believe that loving someone is to care about what they want and need. You care about their feelings. To be in love with someone means that you love that person and cannot picture your future without that person. I am currently ending a relationship with someone that I care about very much, but I'm just not in love with.

 

Good luck.

I've been dating "Sue" for over five years. We pseudo-live-together (i.e., she hasn't been in her apt. in 5months). I just bought a place and am closing next week. Sue and I need to decide what is going on. I know that Sue would like nothing more than for us to get married and start (continue) a life together. But she's also just about lost her patience -- so a decision needs to be made. Sue is a truly wonderful woman. Kind, sincere, intelligent and she loves me unconditionally. So what is my problem? My whole life has centered around the (ridiculous - I realize now)philosophy that 'there is always something better'. No matter what I've ever achieved, I've never been satisfied and have rarely appreciated my accomplishments. Now poor Sue has to deal with it. I do love Sue but I'm beginning to question whether I'm 'in love' with her. Is that a legitimate thought. What's the difference? After so much time, should there still be the 'sparks'? She is unquestionably my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I just can't figure out whether I'm scared to 'settle down', scared that I'm 'settling', or scared to be alone. This has been making me absolutely CRAZY for a long time. When I think about living w/o Sue, I get horribly anxious. and when I allow myself to think about committing to her, and spending my life with her, I feel calm. Is that the answer?????

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Stan]

Sally - is there a difference between loving someone and being in love? To tell you the honest truth, I CANNOT picture my life w/o her. Yet I have the same fear that you just expressed - that I should just "know" by now. What were your signals to tell you that you're not 'in love' with your 'friend'??

If you've been dating for over 5 years and still aren't sure of your feelings, then that might be a flag that you shouldn't be together. Just because she's a wonderful person, doesn't mean you are a horrible person if you are not in love with her. I believe that loving someone is to care about what they want and need. You care about their feelings. To be in love with someone means that you love that person and cannot picture your future without that person. I am currently ending a relationship with someone that I care about very much, but I'm just not in love with. Good luck.

[carol]

Quit mopping around. Appreciate what you have before it's too late. Woman are very intuative and Sue probably already feels you seperating yourself from her. Make the decision to look for the "something better" within the relationship. Ask yourself what you can do to become the man of her dreams, maybe she'll return the favor. Do it before Sue really feels unloved, taken for granted and leaves you. Trust me I've been a "Sue" myself.

I've been dating "Sue" for over five years. We pseudo-live-together (i.e., she hasn't been in her apt. in 5months). I just bought a place and am closing next week. Sue and I need to decide what is going on. I know that Sue would like nothing more than for us to get married and start (continue) a life together. But she's also just about lost her patience -- so a decision needs to be made. Sue is a truly wonderful woman. Kind, sincere, intelligent and she loves me unconditionally. So what is my problem? My whole life has centered around the (ridiculous - I realize now)philosophy that 'there is always something better'. No matter what I've ever achieved, I've never been satisfied and have rarely appreciated my accomplishments. Now poor Sue has to deal with it. I do love Sue but I'm beginning to question whether I'm 'in love' with her. Is that a legitimate thought. What's the difference? After so much time, should there still be the 'sparks'? She is unquestionably my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I just can't figure out whether I'm scared to 'settle down', scared that I'm 'settling', or scared to be alone. This has been making me absolutely CRAZY for a long time. When I think about living w/o Sue, I get horribly anxious. and when I allow myself to think about committing to her, and spending my life with her, I feel calm. Is that the answer?????

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Totally Confused]

Well, one thing you should know, is that men probably wouldn't get married, if they didn't have to. Think about it committment is a scary thing. Nobody wants to divorce, so you know you'd better get it right the first time. Usually when people are together for 4 yrs. they do one of two things. They either break-up or decide to get married, depending on their age. ( By the way, How old are you?) Sometimes, they will drag out the break-up process, but after 4 years, you pretty much should know. Let's discuss the funny feeling. the funny feeling changes or disapears over time, but the passion should always remain. My parents have been married for 32 yrs. and believe me, there is no funny feeling there. But when I talk to my parents seperately, they always talk about the passion they feel for the other. He says, she'll piss him off one minute and then say something that just boils his blood and then he realizes, she is the only person that can get under his skin and make him feel that way. She says the same about him. I've stayed up late at night, hearing her complain about what he did to upset her. The fact that they still make each other feel things, shows their passion and love that they probably didn't know existed, because they do fight like cats and dogs, but it works for them. When the funny feeling fades, you better make sure that you like the person and have a passion for the person, because that's what will keep it going and that's what you'll be stuck with for the rest of your life. They'll also have to be supportive and caring and trustworthy. There's so much ingredients needed to make a great relationship. Now you say, that Sue is sweet and wonderful. My roommate Tony sat up with me the other night when I had the flu. He went out and got me medicine. He's like a protective brother with any guy I date. He's wonderful and great, but I don't have any feelings for him what-so-ever, because he's not able to satisfy my wants and needs that are important to me. For example, I like men that are fiery, someone who will stand up to me, someone who loves to skii, someone that will make me feel something. Though my roomie is wonderful, I'm looking for that in a man, plus the qualities in a man that makes me happy in other ways. Just because someone is wonderful, doesn't mean they're for you, so don't mix that up and say to yourself, she's so wonderful, I'd be crazy if I ever let her go. No, it's o:k to let a great person go, if you're not in love with them. There's some other wonderful girl out there who will be able to fulfill you in more ways. You seem like your pressuring yourself to feel something. If it's not there, it's not going to be there. You are not a bad person, for not knowing if you're in love, but I can understand Sue being frustrated, because she is and she knows she wants you. But think about it, you are hesitating for a reason. It could be because you know you don't want to spend your life with this woman or it could be that you are afraid of committment. If it's because you don't know if you love her, then you need to get away from her for a while, just to see if you start aching for her and wanting her back. That's the only way you're going to know is through seperation. If it's just because you have a fear of committment, you'll know by looking at your past relationships. Did you always push away girls that wanted more of a committment from you? In that case, that's another issue we'll explore at another time.

 

And don't worry about being alone. Maybe that's what you need. I'm alone for the first time in years. It's not so bad. I'm dating, it's kind of fun. I get the chance to see what else is out there, just to make sure. Remember, in the end you're going to have to chose one, so make it someone that you have no doubts about. With Sue, you're going to have to sit down and say to yourself, "Can I live the rest of my life not having this person in my life." Ask yourself that question, and the first thought that pops into your head w/o thinking is your answer. And stop beating yourself up. I know she wants an answer, but you don't have one to give yet. It would be crueler to give her a wrong or false answer than to not give her one at all. She'll probably pull the trick that most woman pull, in order to get a man to committ (I'm giving away all the secrets), she'll leave you telling you I can't take it and I need to move on. Then she'll wait 2 or 3 months for you to squirm about and miss her and then you'll finally go to her with a ring. This might not be such a bad thing for you if she does this. It will force you two to seperate and you'll finally know. I hope I've helped and I hope this makes sense to you. If you need to talk more, you can e-mail me.