Girlfriend and Ex want to meet up

[consumed]

Ok, so heres the story. My girlfriend has this EX(Stuart). The only things I've been told by my GF about this Stuart guy is that he got her into harddrugs (although I know it was her choice to take them) and he treated her badly and now, he has no job, sees a different girl every week and lives with his parents. Since day one of being together my GF has always remained in contact with this guy, always telling me after work she spoke with him during the day and such. She asked me a few times that he wanted to get together with her, and she too wanted to see him cause it's been a while. For a long while my gf never brought him up but then this weekend out of the blue she asked me "How would you feel about me getting together with Stuart?" Of course I'd rather that not take place so we talked about it and my feelings. Then yesterday at work it was bothering me a lot and I was thinking about if she brought him up on the way home, and yeh, on the way home she said Stuart wanted to get together sometime which really bothered me. It bothered me a huge sum more because she also told him she would call him at a certain time last night. (She tried, no awnser.) So fast forward to today and she tells me again during work on the phone he wants to get together with her.

I know my gf is going to do whatever she pleases, it's her life as I can do as I wish, but this is really really bothering me and I honestly don't know where my rights are aloud to have limits. Of course I trust her, I don't trust him at all. I can't help thinking if they got together he'd try something. And when his name is mentioned all I can think about is him and my gf doing drugs in the past and it's eating me alive inside. She’s told me she still wants to be friends with him and feels bad for him because his life is in a mess right now. My girlfriend and I live together and I really would rather her not see this guy at all but I have a feeling it's going to be brought up over and over. So I was thinking, what if I told my gf he can come over to our place to visit? Or all of us can go out for a drink/coffee? PLease help me out, this whole thing is driving me nuts, I wish this guy would fly to anther planet. So what do you think? thx in advance for any replies.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, and you keep wanting to go out with a former girlfriend who got you hooked up on hard drugs; do you honestly think your girlfriend would put up with such crap from you? She is totally disrespecting your relationship by wanting to continue contact and see an old lover and go out with him. I think your solution sounds good. Invite him over to your place. My bet is that your girlfriend will say no way. Look she lives with you and she never cut the ties with an old lover who treated her badly and hooked up with hard drugs. She is sending you a clear message and the message is not good. Again you can all go out together otherwise she is really disrespecting you and I think you know this.

 

I have a problem with a girl who is living with you and somehow must continue contact with a former boyfriend who treated her terribly and got her hooked on drugs. She contacts him all the time and seems to be pushing this. He says he wants to go out with her and she clearly wishes to do this. He does drugs, hops from woman to woman and now wants to go out and see her alone. Gee I wonder what he has in mind? What is wrong with this picture? I hate to say this but her actions indicate that she has never gotten over her former boyfriend. I think you would have to be in a total fog not to realize what a dangerous situation this is.

[JCD]

These ex's issues are very volatile to any relationship and if she doesn't respect your wishes not to see him then she doesn't care about you that much. It's time to leave her then. Let's turn the situation around, what if she asked you not to see your ex. Would you respect her wishes? My guess is that you would because you care about her and don't want to make her insecure/jealous and hurt and jeopardize the relationship. Right?

[witabix]

BryanP and JCD have both hit the nail on the head.

 

What on earth are you thinking?

 

This guy is a total scumbag, it is clear as day. If she cannot see this then I would question her intellect/morals/commitment.

 

Come on dude, where is your head at?

[JCD]

I didn't see Bryanp's post so sorry for the repeat.

[crazy_grl]

Ordinarily, I'd say that people make way too big a deal out of people seeing their exes. But the fact that this guy treated her badly and got her hooked on drugs changes things a bit. I can't imagine a person wanting to see an ex who did those things unless they still had feelings for them or some codependency issues.

 

I have yet to figure out how to convince people who think they can help out or be friends with their aweful, drunken/druggie exes. A guy I was seeing actually had his alcoholic ex try to run him over with a car and he still was willing to be friends with her. And I really believe he didn't have feelings for her anymore. It's bizarre.

 

The best thing I can think of for you to do is to tell her that she can see him but only if you can come along. Let her know firmly that if she sees him by herself, you'll consider it a betrayal. I wouldn't suggest letting him come to your house though. He doesn't need to know where you live.

 

And also maybe read up on codependency.

[witabix]

Ordinarily, I'd say that people make way too big a deal out of people seeing their exes. But the fact that this guy treated her badly and got her hooked on drugs changes things a bit. I can't imagine a person wanting to see an ex who did those things unless they still had feelings for them or some codependency issues.

 

I have yet to figure out how to convince people who think they can help out or be friends with their aweful, drunken/druggie exes. A guy I was seeing actually had his alcoholic ex try to run him over with a car and he still was willing to be friends with her. And I really believe he didn't have feelings for her anymore. It's bizarre.

 

The best thing I can think of for you to do is to tell her that she can see him but only if you can come along. Let her know firmly that if she sees him by herself, you'll consider it a betrayal. I wouldn't suggest letting him come to your house though. He doesn't need to know where you live.

 

And also maybe read up on codependency.

 

That was an interesting post. Yeah DO NOT let him know where you live.

 

Crazy girl would you like to elaborate a little here on the codependency issue?

[witabix]

One to look at

 

 

http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/43.cfm

[crazy_grl]

Crazy girl would you like to elaborate a little here on the codependency issue?

 

Well, I'm not an expert on it or anything, but from what I know at least one aspect codependency is that the codependent will take care of a person in need (very often an addict/alcoholic) regardless of their own needs. The person can treat them badly and they'll still try to be the rescuer.

 

There's a lot more to it than that and there's more general definitions too, but that's the part that relates to this. It may or may not apply to consumed's gf, but IMO an ordinary person would tell that guy to screw off for treating them badly. So it's something to look into that might help him understand her behavior.

[witabix]

Yes, I have seen this bahaviour. When I pointed it out I was accused of being uncompassionate, not caring about my fellow humans. This is so not true.

 

It was interesting reading the link I posted.

 

I am not an unfeeling man, I just expect people to open their own eyes.

[crazy_grl]

Yes, I have seen this bahaviour. When I pointed it out I was accused of being uncompassionate, not caring about my fellow humans. This is so not true.

 

Yep, IME, people who behave this way get very defensive when you point it out.

[JCD]

Here's one from wiki:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

[consumed]

Thx for all the replies, you all bring up some really good points some of which I've been thinking about for a while. I can't fathom why my gf even wants to talk to or see this guy because of their past but after reading the co-dependency maybe it makes sense now. She has told me before that she feels sorry for him that his life is so messed up right now, but even still in my mind that's no excuse to keep in contact. This week alone she's told me 4 times he's asked her to get together and in the past she's brought it up but like I stated in the post for a while their was a break where I never heard his name mentioned. This weekend when she asked about seeing him and I gave my view (I'd rather u not at all but...) she asked me if I trusted her. It really puts me on the spot when she says that because, yes of course I trust her, but on the same token it's not fair to put that against me so she can go see this guy. or am I wrong? I trust her 110%, I don't trust that guy, I think he has alot of issues deep down is hoping that by getting together with her he can rekindle something. How can I explain that I'd rather she not visit him without her thinking it's because I'm jealous which she'll think the reason is?

I know I can't keep her from doing what she wants but this guy... I can't figure out why someone who introduced you to harddrugs and treated u badly you'd want to remain in contact with, maybe other then what u mention in that she feels pitty for him and wants to see him do good with his life? It's gotten really annoying lately because almost every other day and in the past it was most days his name is brought up. Either "I spoke with Stu today, or Stu called me...., I called Stu." Right now my gf is the one contacting him, and she'll even call him from her work. It bugs me and it's eating away at me inside.

[a4a]

I have to wonder if Stu is about to become a daily fixture in your life.

 

Something to really consider..... X or just a old friend I would not want such a loser in my life or attached to me through a g/f.

 

Stu sounds like he may be a great manipulator.

[witabix]

I trust her 110%, I don't trust that guy, I think he has alot of issues deep down is hoping that by getting together with her he can rekindle something. How can I explain that I'd rather she not visit him without her thinking it's because I'm jealous which she'll think the reason is?

I know I can't keep her from doing what she wants but this guy... I can't figure out why someone who introduced you to harddrugs and treated u badly you'd want to remain in contact with, maybe other then what u mention in that she feels pitty for him and wants to see him do good with his life?

 

I can identify totally with this sentiment. I had a similar situation to deal with, and actually still have to deal with.

 

Here is what NOT to do anyway, don't verbally attack him, or put him down too much to her, that doesn't work. Don't get worked up over it. I did and all it did was make me even more annoyed.

 

You are right that it is her life, and I would imagine that if she is a good person of course she wants him be happy, why not, I want all my exes to be happy. I share your lack of of understanding as to why these people wish to stay in contact with such an ex.

 

So here is how I deal with it and how I have rationalised my own situation.

 

I remain calm when he is mentioned, and when it is mentioned that he has contacted her. Calm, "Oh yeah? What did he have to say?" kind of thing. No blackness or negativity. I have engaged in conversation with her about the situation. Pointed out to her how this is negatively affecting her own life in such a way as to let her think about it. Don't be aggresive or condescending. Let her hear your thoughts. Be open with your feelings and be calm when you discuss them.

 

He still owes her a considerable amount of money, and promised to look after her pet which he successfully managed to lose recently. This upset her majorly. He still hurts her, she can't see it.

 

In the end I rationalised it this way.

 

If there is anything to fear from this contact, like the two of them hooking up again or such, then I will find out that she is not the person she claims to be.

 

This does not reflect upon me. I am not going to allow myself to be dragged into someone else's relationship (Even with an ex).

 

Her ex has nothing to do with me. I am a much better person than he will ever be.

 

If she cannot see his manipulative ways, which borders on emotional blackmail, I will try to point it out calmly.

 

In the end it is her life.

 

I told her that she must live her life the way she wants it to be.

 

She must make her own decisions, and choose her own behaviours.

 

I will do the same.

 

Here's something you should take note of.

 

I borrowed my brothers car a few weeks ago. The wheel nuts were loosened on the car when it was parked at my apartment. I put it down to vandalism, but there is a sneaking suspicion in my mind. I think it is in her mind too. She phoned him that evening, didn't tell me, I have my own ways of knowing. It was also mentioned, a while ago, that this guy knows people who would put a gun to your head (He is a drug dealer). Although this does not worry me too much it is something to bear in mind about these type of people. They are unstable and unpredictable.

 

Stand your ground, let her know what is acceptable and not acceptable and stick to it. Let her make her own mistakes and you live your own life, your way with your rules.

 

Don't let soemone you don't know or care about have any influence on your existence.

[consumed]

Thanks for the reply, you gave me some really good things to think about. It helped alot.

[witabix]

Cool. I am glad.

 

It is a difficult position, I know.

 

Be yourself, let her be herself, make your choices based on what you know to be the case not what you think or imagine may be the case.

 

In the end if she continues to make you feel miserable or eaten up inside get out, with your dignity intact.

 

We don't need negativity in our lives it leads nowhere.

[Guest]

You mentioned that "she’s told me she still wants to be friends with him and feels bad for him because his life is in a mess right now." This sounds to me like the potential of an emotional affair brewing or already in progress becuase of this guys neediness. IMHO you gf's understanding and compassion of his situation can and will be exploited again by this guy if given the oppurtunity. This time around it will cause your relationship a lot of trouble if you don't take action soon. I agree with you that it is her life but this is about YOUR relationship. You need to set very clear boundries on your expectations of her and what make YOU comfortable in the relationship. If you cannot do that or if she does can not understand your apprehension about her relationship with her ex and respond in kind than you don't have a leg to stand on. If she really values your relationship above her friendship with her ex this will be an easy choice for her.

 

Having dealt with a similar sitation myself I know that dad I been very clear and firm from the beginging I wouldn't have had to deal now with the aftermath of a EA and PA after the fact. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Best of luck to you!

[Spectre]

Shes with you know, even if this guy was a perfect gentlemen, she really isnt that into you if she insists on seeing him even tho she knows you wont like it.

 

 

Whatever kind of person he is, the bottom line is they arent together anymore, and thus the need for contact isnt necessary, if your gf doesnt understand that, she isnt gf material at all

 

seriously, what is it that draws girls back to a-holes?

[consumed]

So my girlfriend brought up the topic that she wants to meet up with her ex this week but to make me feel comfertable about it, she said I can come and she's ok with me being there. Although I don't know why she wants to see him she's going to do her own things in her life so...

She said she just wants to get caught up and talk but I was thinking about it alot and I'm not sure I want to go at all. I trust my girlfriend, I just don't really trust that guy but if I went it would give off the image to my gf that I'm maybe insecure/jealous/and untrusting, so although I want to be there I don't think I should go. What do you think?

[Walk]

From my perspective (female), if this guy doesn't mean anything to her other than as a platonic friend, then she should want you to go. I would love it if my bf found my friends to be as interesting and fun to be around as I did. Especially if the person were a part of my past, a link to me as a whole person, I would want to introduce my bf. Not to mention, if I wanted to keep the person in my life, then that person should like and respect my bf as much as I do.

 

I don't know if some women are just ignorant, or lie to themselves so convincingly that they refuse to acknowledge the motives behind things. I'm sure she probably feels guilty that she couldnt' help this guy. There might be some lingering care for this guy. She probably doesn't want to be with him. But a small part of her might feel responsible for helping him because she does care about him as a friend. However, I'm positive he doesn't have such innocent motives, and I wonder how some women can't see when this occurs. Or maybe they do, but they need that ego boost. That thrill of the chase or something.

 

I feel for you. I wouldn't want to go if I were in your shoes, but at the same time I'd feel like I SHOULD go. And all the while thinking, why is this an issue, because it shouldn't be....

 

My suggestion... go with her. Make a promise to yourself that you are going with an open mind and heart. No preconcieved notions on what is going on. Try to be light hearted, warm, funny and jovial as much as possible. Don't dominate the conversation, but don't withdraw from it either. Act as though the two of them are just friends, and want you to be in their circle of friends.

 

This is how I would want my SO to act if I introduced him to a male friend of mine. This is also how I act when my SO introduced me to his female friends. If or when things cross the line while you're meeting with them, then you can change your mindset to fit the situation. But don't go into it with a bad attitude or you'll create a bad situation.

 

I know I would appreciate my SO more if he did that for me.

 

I wouldn't be upset that you wanted to come either. Or think you don't trust me. But I'm probably looking at it from a different mindset then your gf. I realize that trust isn't inheriently given in all situations. Nor is it proper to expect it to be blindly handed over in all situations. Trust is built. And building it sometimes requires us to "prove" ourselves through our actions. You are requesting a first hand look at her actions. I might be uncomfortable with it because I wouldn't know how you would react. But I wouldn't be upset with you that you wanted to go. And the situation she has created is one that can place a significant amount of doubt in our SO's mind. To me, she's asking for an incredible amount of leeway and trust, and you have a right to guage for yourself whether it should be given or not. You aren't asking for anything you wouldn't give to her in return.

[consumed]

thx for the reply you made some good points. I don't know why she doesn't see this bothers me so much. Every time she's brought it up it's not like I'm filled with enthusiasm but then it's her life and she's going to do what she wants. As much as it bothers me them getting together for a night I can see it coming across to her as me being insecure/un-trusting/jealous. I hate this situation and I really wish she would see how much it's bothering me. In all honestly I might be ok with them getting together if the past between them was a little different. I've told her how I felt before so she knows but lately I've been dropping a lot of things because I feel it's not worth the argument that will persue, I'd rather build on the relationship in stead of arguing about things.

[Walk]

I've been dropping a lot of things because I feel it's not worth the argument

 

If you have to "drop" things to keep the peace, then it's only going to lead to bigger problems later.

 

Maybe it's just me... but if my SO says they don't feel comfortable with something, then I don't do it. If I feel strongly about it, then I discuss it indepth with them. As far as why they feel that way, what causes them to be uncomfortable. If it's something important, and I have good reason to do whatever it is... then I explain my reasoning and thought process for why. But if my only reason is "to catch up with him", that isn't good enough if its going to cause my partner to be uncomfortable with it.

 

I don't see a good solution to your problem though. If you try to discuss it more indepth with her then it'll cause problems. If you let her go and don't bring up your thoughts/concerns about it.. then it's going to cause problems later. Maybe you could approach it from a different angle. If you could slide into a convo about what drives her to see this guy now. What she hopes to accomplish by talking to him. Her expectations, whatever. Instead of you voicing your concerns, just ask her questions on what she's thinking/feeling regarding meeting the ex. Might work in your favor if you do it right. make her feel like you're really concerned with how she thinks and feels. Might cause her to believe that you really want to know whats in her mind and how she thinks. But you couldn't do it in the inquisition mode. It'd have to be as one caring individual to another.

 

Worst case scenario... tell her to have fun. And that you're going to go hang out with an old flame that day too. And you can't wait to get together with the "old friend".

[witabix]

Worst case scenario... tell her to have fun. And that you're going to go hang out with an old flame that day too. And you can't wait to get together with the "old friend".

 

I did just that recently, not quite the same situation.

 

I had mail for my ex, and she asked if she could pick it up from me. We had coffe together. I kept my gf completely in the picture. The letter was left in plain view in my apartment for a week. I could see it was bugging her, but only slightly.

 

She knew about it and knew I would contact the ex. She was there when my ex texted me, and I told her the content of the texts. I told her about our meeting and invited her to join us, she refused on the basis that it would be wierd for her and she may come across as jealous and possesive. As soon as the coffee was over I invited my gf to join me.

 

It felt a little like 'game playing' I hate to admit that but it is true. I usually would never do such a thing. It served its purpose I feel. She was kept totally informed, she knew all about my ex, but she got a chance to feel what it is like when this stuff happens. Maybe she understands better now, maybe not.

 

I also used it as an example of how I want her to handle such contacts on her side. We were not catching up, there was a logical and reasonable reason for our meeting. I find that acceptable, just catching up on the other hand is odd, as has been said above.

 

I used the situation to dispaly my own feelings/thoughts. Maybe you can do the same. Just don't engineer it too much.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Including yourself is much better than them getting together alone, but it would probably be better for your relationship if they didn't get together at all. If she has a problem with getting together with him and you at the same time, take it as a major red flag. Of course, as you said, she will do what she pleases, and your only recourse if you do not like it would be to walk away. You can talk to her about it, but if she starts being obtuse (purposely missing the point, "playing dumb" and deflecting everywhere), take that as another red flag. Also watch out for the "you just don't trust me". The best defense is a good offense, and someone being defensive may have something to hide. Been there, done this with a GF, and yes, my suspicions were correct. I hope you have better luck.

 

There really may be nothing going on and her intentions may really not be bad at all. If she just wants to get lunch for old time sake, does not want to make her ex a regular part of her life, fully understands your concerns, and is perfectly ok with you going along, you are probably just fine.

 

Thinking of him as a friend (in the traditional ex sense which usually means something just short of no contact but no hatred either - especially while in a relationship with you), and you being present when he is around (which should be very rarely) is probably not a problem. If she wants to go hang out with him without you, hang on the phone with him all the time, gets defensive, and claims she just can't understand what your problem is, be afraid - be very afraid. Better yet, just walk. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.