Anyone go through a Quarter Life Crisis??

[ConfusedGal]

Cause I think I am definitely having one... Im 27, married... Everything just seems wrong although it's not... It's like, I have the good high paying job as an attorney, the husband for the last 4 years, buying a home now. All looks real nice, and to anyone else it's considered "success." I guess it depends on your definition of success. It's success to the average person, but it is not to me, you know what I mean?? It's like this is all real nice but not what I had in mind for my life unfolding...at least not yet. I get very dissatisfied with my life even though to others I have "it all." My husband considers this success. he has always wanted to buy a home... be financially secure, and do well in his career. Those are all happening so he is happy. Me, on the other hand...Just feel so dissatisfied with everything. My husband is also almost 33 while I am 27. My frustration with life causes a lot of frustration with my husband who doesnt understand why I cant just "be happy." I believe it' a quarter life crisis...Anyone go through this??

[blind_otter]

I did, when I was married at 21. I dealt with it by ending the marriage, having a bout with alcoholism and drug addiction, and then struggling to find meaning in my life for myself. THere's no easy solution. You just gird your loins and either deal with it head on by putting yourself out there and taking risks to discover your independent identity and understand where you are now and what you want out of life -- and more importantly what you plan to do to get what you want.

 

I have faced a lot of challenges in my life. This was just another bump in the road. It was a 7 year bump in the road, but I landed on my feet. I always do.

 

But I have never been one to sit idly by when I am unhappy, not sicne I was a child. Some people take longer, some shorter. At this point, it is what it is, and that's the way it is.

[Pyro]

Cause I think I am definitely having one... Im 27, married... Everything just seems wrong although it's not... It's like, I have the good high paying job as an attorney, the husband for the last 4 years, buying a home now. All looks real nice, and to anyone else it's considered "success." I guess it depends on your definition of success. It's success to the average person, but it is not to me, you know what I mean?? It's like this is all real nice but not what I had in mind for my life unfolding...at least not yet. I get very dissatisfied with my life even though to others I have "it all." My husband considers this success. he has always wanted to buy a home... be financially secure, and do well in his career. Those are all happening so he is happy. Me, on the other hand...Just feel so dissatisfied with everything. My husband is also almost 33 while I am 27. My frustration with life causes a lot of frustration with my husband who doesnt understand why I cant just "be happy." I believe it' a quarter life crisis...Anyone go through this??

 

I can't say that I have gone through it but do you think that it has to do with not being able to accomplish something that you have not been able to do yet? For example, is there somewhere in the world that you want to see and you feel as though you might never get to see it? Do you feel as though you won't have a chance to accomplish all your dreams and goals? Am I on the right path or no?

[bab]

Hi ConfusedGal. I can relate. I too am 27, and seem to "have it all", higher ed degree, great job with a great salary, wonderful new husband, we're buying a house. Pull out a measuring stick, and I'm on top of the world. I'm not dissatisfied like yourself, but I do get sad at times. For me it is then a downward spiral because I have nothing to be sad about, so I start to feel guilty for feeling sad, then I feel stupid for feeling guilty for feeling sad....you can guess how it goes from there.

 

I have worked very hard to get where I am, and I sometimes wonder if I ever had time to stop and think if this is reallly where I want to be, or if it's what I where I assumed I want to be. Luckily I know it's where I want to be. Only when I'm in my sad downward spiral do I start to doubt myself. The thing is, just because you "have it all" never ever means that you can't have times of doubt. It's natural. Just be careful not to let it get out of hand. Easier said than done, I know.

Good luck...

[Tony T]

Cause I think I am definitely having one... Im 27, married... Everything just seems wrong although it's not... It's like, I have the good high paying job as an attorney, the husband for the last 4 years, buying a home now. All looks real nice, and to anyone else it's considered "success." I guess it depends on your definition of success. It's success to the average person, but it is not to me, you know what I mean?? It's like this is all real nice but not what I had in mind for my life unfolding...at least not yet. I get very dissatisfied with my life even though to others I have "it all." My husband considers this success. he has always wanted to buy a home... be financially secure, and do well in his career. Those are all happening so he is happy. Me, on the other hand...Just feel so dissatisfied with everything. My husband is also almost 33 while I am 27. My frustration with life causes a lot of frustration with my husband who doesnt understand why I cant just "be happy." I believe it' a quarter life crisis...Anyone go through this??

 

No, it's not a crisis at all. You are just not a happy person, not now anyway. A happy person is delighted with life no matter what is happening. In part your problem may be that you had the expectation that once you got a great job and a wonderful husband each day would be one long orgasm and that hasn't happened.

 

Try to live each moment and savor it. Always realize each day many people are blown to bits in Iraq and you're alive and able to enjoy fresh air, wonderful food and a great husband. Make an effort to put things into perspective and be grateful for all the moments you are around, whether they are boring or whether they are exciting.

 

Happiness is not external. You won't find it on the outside no matter how much money you have, no matter how nice of a home you have. Your husband cannot make you happy no matter what you told yourself growing up. I'm am so very very sorry to be the one to tell you that YOU AND ONLY YOU can make yourself happy. You become happy with a great attitude. It also helps to turn the focus away from yourself and onto others.

 

Each day, do something nice for somebody. Take a case pro bono...with somebody who hasn't got the money for legal help. Be HAPPY to help another person. Do something special for your husband. Surprise him. One day he may not be around.

 

Relish each breath you take. A LOT of people were killed on their way to work today. A lot of people stayed home for the Fourth of July because they needed the gas money to feed their family.

 

Become happy with yourself.

 

For your reading pleasure, I offer you the link to part of a great book by Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet." The link is to the part about joy and pain....but if you read other subjects you might just find the happiness you seek in the words of a great writer.

 

Go here---------> http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran8.html

 

If somebody pulled your happiness plug, stick it back in the socket.

[ConfusedGal]

Hi,

 

There are many things I have wanted to do which I dont see happening and I think it never will. For example, I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Europe with my husband before we have kids. That will not happen. Firstly, cause I cant take enough vacation and secondly, cause any vacation I do take, we go to India to visit his folks. I love them and love visiting them but I would love to have a chance to go to Europe with him. Its been a dream. Also, I dont think he shares that dream with me anyways. He is always like "I will take you to Europe." I hate the "I will take you" stuff...Its like a big favor. I know any vacation he has, he would rather go see his folks in india. I understand that, but what about what I want???

 

I would love to move to CA for a years. Not happening any time soon, cause we are buying a place and my husband has gotten promoted. He says "We will do it when its smart and the time is right." The time is right for ME NOW! So again, what about what I want?

 

Same story goes with career etc. What about what I want?? I feel like I am just sinking into this "vision" he might have and what is good by society standards, which IS a nice vision but I fel like I skipped something and am just jumping into this lovely stabile vision he has... He is not wrong to have this vision...But again, I am like what about ME?

 

Maybe I sound selfish. I dont know!

[Tony T]

You don't sound selfish, it just sounds like you and your husband have differing visions of what life is all about. I am very frightened that the two of you did not discuss a lot of details before you got married. Marriage is a terribly compromising institution and there has to be a lot of give and take. I don't sense that there is a lot of willingness to give on your part...but I don't know your husband. I do know that most members of his culture are, in general, pretty assertive about their needs. If you don't get some help in the way of counselling real soon, you could be in very big trouble later on.

 

Please read my post above.

 

I think you may have gotten married too early...before you did all the things you wanted to. However, have patience. Patience is so important because there is time to do all the things you want to do. Just take care of yourself, exercise, don't smoke, drink little, etc. and with good time management and a compromising spirit with your spouse there is nothing in the world you won't be able to do.

[Mz. Pixie]

CG-

 

I think all of the drama with your mother has you wanting to escape from it all- thus these feelings.

 

Be very careful how you handle this so that you don't end up divorced or in an affair.

 

You guys need to negotiate some things in this marriage for you to stay married. He shouldn't always get what he wants. If he does that then you guys will not stay married, because you will eventually get tired of that.

 

I also think you're a little bit addicted to drama and thus when you don't really have any in your life- you create it for yourself. I've done this myself because of my past- so this may be part of it.

 

Your therapist needs to work with you on these things.

 

I find alot of comfort from my relationship with Jesus Christ- but that's just me.

[Kenyth]

Where do you run to now that you've finished the race? This isn't an uncommon problem. You're "there", but you don't want to be "there" yet. You've reached your goals, now you have to set new ones or face a feeling of loss. Be proactive. If you want to go to Europe, tell your husband to pick a time this year or next he want's to go, or you'll pick it. He doesn't have to go himself, but he can't stop you from going. If he doesn't want to go, give his ticket to a friend. By all means be reasonable with him, but reasonable means accomodating your need to go also.

 

You can't get a vacation? You must have a very demanding job. That could be a BIG part of the problem. You might have to back off a bit and choose a less demanding job. Of course, this might mean making less money and take your career off the fast track, but life is a trade off sometimes. Make sure you get comfortable in life before having a baby. If you think your life is being sucked away by the career and marriage now, just wait until you have kids!

[hotgurl]

Hi,

 

There are many things I have wanted to do which I dont see happening and I think it never will. For example, I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Europe with my husband before we have kids. That will not happen. Firstly, cause I cant take enough vacation and secondly, cause any vacation I do take, we go to India to visit his folks. I love them and love visiting them but I would love to have a chance to go to Europe with him. Its been a dream. Also, I dont think he shares that dream with me anyways. He is always like "I will take you to Europe." I hate the "I will take you" stuff...Its like a big favor. I know any vacation he has, he would rather go see his folks in india. I understand that, but what about what I want???

 

Why? can't you talk to hubby and work something out. He doesn't have to go to India every vacation.

 

 

I would love to move to CA for a years. Not happening any time soon, cause we are buying a place and my husband has gotten promoted. He says "We will do it when its smart and the time is right." The time is right for ME NOW! So again, what about what I want?

 

Same story goes with career etc. What about what I want?? I feel like I am just sinking into this "vision" he might have and what is good by society standards, which IS a nice vision but I fel like I skipped something and am just jumping into this lovely stabile vision he has... He is not wrong to have this vision...But again, I am like what about ME?

 

Maybe I sound selfish. I dont know!

 

Why talk to hubby come up with a long range plan. Also I agree with mz. Pixie that you are more running away right now and not thinking so clearly.

[MrsHellFire]

Sounds like your life is quite boring and predictable. You have the things that many people have and want and conform to but in reality, it will not bring about happiness.

 

I think you had too high of expectations that these "THINGS" in life would be a dream and make you so happy. Only a lot of that stuff doesn't really and you realize it once you have it.

[ConfusedGal]

I know I want to stop feeling so unsatisfied but I can't seem to... I pick myself up and feel better and then fall back down...It's like I appreciate what I have but it's not what I WANT, does that make sense?? Geez, I probably sound so awful and selfish. I guess in my life, due to past (and ongoing) family issues (Mom issues) and now marriage, I have never had the opportunity to only consider MYSELF. I have either been considering how something will affect mom and Dad (or kind of forced to consider that) and now how something will affect my husband.

 

It's not his fault I came from a past where I was massively controlled. But I feel like i never had that space to just be ME, and make decisions for ME and ME alone. I know I am married and SHOULD think about US, but inside a little voice consistently cries even though I try to shut it up, "Well, what about ME and what I really want?"

[Pyro]

I know I want to stop feeling so unsatisfied but I can't seem to... I pick myself up and feel better and then fall back down...It's like I appreciate what I have but it's not what I WANT, does that make sense?? Geez, I probably sound so awful and selfish. I guess in my life, due to past (and ongoing) family issues (Mom issues) and now marriage, I have never had the opportunity to only consider MYSELF. I have either been considering how something will affect mom and Dad (or kind of forced to consider that) and now how something will affect my husband.

 

It's not his fault I came from a past where I was massively controlled. But I feel like i never had that space to just be ME, and make decisions for ME and ME alone. I know I am married and SHOULD think about US, but inside a little voice consistently cries even though I try to shut it up, "Well, what about ME and what I really want?"

 

Have you talked to your husband about this crisis that you are having?

 

Sometimes that will happen when you look out for everyone else except yourself. You miss out on everything that you wanted to do. You are only 27. You still have plenty of time to go on the trip and to move to CA. You and him should really sit down and discuss these issues. If he the loving and caring husband, he should be able to compromise with you. If you go to India every year, he should not have a problem agreeing to go to Europe.

[ConfusedGal]

I have had these discussions with my husband, which many times frustrates him. He tells me we will do everything "when it makes sense" and when the time is right... I understand the practicality of what he says. But my heart doesnt ACCEPT that practicality..Its like, damn, I have waited so damn long to do things for ME, and it never seems to happen. I understand his frustration. I really do. But I just need to convince myself to accept it...

[Pyro]

I have had these discussions with my husband, which many times frustrates him. He tells me we will do everything "when it makes sense" and when the time is right... I understand the practicality of what he says. But my heart doesnt ACCEPT that practicality..Its like, damn, I have waited so damn long to do things for ME, and it never seems to happen. I understand his frustration. I really do. But I just need to convince myself to accept it...

 

He shouldn't be frustrated at you for telling him how you honestly feel, but he sounds understanding about it. For starters ask him that the next time you two are scheduled to go to India, go to Europe instead. He is right that it should be done when it makes sense, but I think that if you two are going half-way across the world, he can sacrifice a visit to his family just once.

[The slayer]

I agree with Tony T. It does look as if you and your husband both approach and view things in a very different way, as time goes on this can leave you feeling more and more desperate to do things for yourself.

 

Having a different approach to life than your partner can make for a really great relationship, but if you don't recognise this it can become harder and harder to understand each other, and led to resentment.

 

Marriage is all about compromise, you need to be able to understand each others point of view and meet in the middle. This is always hard to do and even harder when someones point of view is so different from your own.

 

My big fear would be, that if you have had problems with your family controlling you in the past, you probably find it quite hard to express what you want or need and you are probably not used to being able to have what you want.

 

I think we would all agree that a trip to Europe (and it is definately still worth going even if only for a few weeks) just one time instead of visiting relatives is perfectly reasonable thing to want and to have.

 

Giving up what you want all the time is probably going to make you feel as if your husband is controlling you as well in the long run. This wouldn't be true, but it would certainly feel like it, because you would ultimately find yourself stuck in the same place you were forced into by your parents.

 

I think your first step towards being in control of your own happiness is to agree with your husband that the next vacation you have, you are coming to Europe.....and get planning!

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, CG is also dealing with cultural differences here which throw in a whole different dynamic.

 

He sounds pretty traditional, and being that way, of course he feels he should see his parents instead of taking a trip to Europe.

 

CG- this is really about something missing in you. You have a hole that you cannot get filled up because of how you were treated in the past. Until you get that hole filled up it will continue to gnaw at you. I know, because I have the same hole. I've filled it up with a whole bunch of different things over the years- while I put everyone else first. Eventually that hole just began to swallow me. And I couldn't do it ONE MORE SECOND.

 

That is why he should be at counseling with you. He doesn't begin to understand what you've dealt with, he doesn't begin to understand what it is going to take to stay married to you. He can't see that what he's doing is exactly like your parents and that this will cause him to lose you. Just as my exhusband was like my parents.

 

You are also picking up some of your mother's behavior because this is what she learned. She's been like, "WHAT ABOUT ME?" all your life. It's only natural that some of that rubbed off on you. They call them "fleas" actually in the borderline community. Doesn't mean you're borderline- it's just from growing up like you did.

 

Please visit bpdcentral.com and get involved in one of their on line support groups. It will be invaluable to you. LS is great, but again, they are not specializing in what you're dealing with. The people at bpd central are just like you in ways. Be sure that you get in a email support group where there are daughters of BPD mothers. Histronics if you can possibly. It's been a bit since I've been there and participated in one of those email support groups but the information I learned there was invaluable. Much better than reading books or articles on the subject.

 

If you're not going to visit another therapist who can help you better with this then please do at least this much. Give it at least 6 months to see what you learn about how to deal with all of this.

[ConfusedGal]

Ms. Pixie, you are right. Cultural barriers play a big part. I cannot just ditch my family. Doesnt happen that easily in our culture and I dont know if the drama that would follow would be worth it... Over that, yes, my husband would refer to visit his parents any day over going to Europe. I know I sounds like this whining ungreatful person... Thats kind of what I like about these boards..This is one place I can vent how I feel without sugar coating... So people say "Well, you are married. You made that choice, so suck it up and deal and compromise..." They are right, but read a bit of my marital history as well and you may understand why I feel the way I do somewhat...

 

I am not saying what I feel is RIGHT. I know it is not, but I seem to not be able to shake this feeling. I am Indian. When I was a teenager (14 to be precise), I was introduced to my husband...My mom's best friends son. So for years and years I only knew him as the guy I would probably marry. Fortunately I really liked him. However things got horribly messy later on. My mom was interested in the whole thing because her friend (in INdia) was loaded and she figured I would be married into a "rich family" as selfish as that sounds. His parents basically went bankrupt after a few years and him and I really loved each other, or maybe it wwasnt really love but an attachment that had developed. My mother didnt like the whole relationship (and even her friend) after this. She didnt like my husband (not my husband at the time) because he spoke up before her due to her massive irrationality and nonsense. My brother and I never did this. We were "trained" not to... And so started Mom's craziness... the "I am dying. You will kill me" blah blah blah...My parents tried their hardest to get us t break off... It was the worst time of my life, and honestly I did not know WHAT I was doing...I loved him, but was unsure due to all the instability we had with the family etc etc. And then he lost his job and thus visa status in the US. We married within a week due to his visa status. His sister came down, my parents treated her horribly, and we married. I was so unsure. I was 23 in my first year of law school and it was one big rush. I already wasnt sure what I doing. Whether it was right or wrong....I have never looked at my wedding pictures because it was nothing but BAD memories. We went 0on a quick honeymoon which was awful. Right before we left my Dad got into a big fight with my husband and pretty faked a heart attack and massive illness. So continued years of bull.

 

Ties with family are not broken so easily...I am INDIAN..Its kind of different... I have always been paralyzed into fear as a result of my family... 6 months after marriage I tried to kill myself because I couldnt take it anymore...couldnt take my mom's drama, guilt and nuttiness, and yet I didnt have guts to really stand up. The day I did, hell froze over...

 

Anwyays, you kind of get the point...To some extent, I didnt have the opportunity in my life to date...to have a stress free youth..To really enjoy..I was caught up in this relationship and WAY too much "mama drama..."

 

And the CRUX of my problem as I see it is I have been paralyzed into fear...I fear the future. I cant take more drama...Everytime I have calm waters, a storm follows... So I am fearing that storm. And I know it will happen. It always does. And all of this stuff has left me so drained, I dont know if I have the ability to cope...I have been controlled so much, I dont feel like an adult...

 

And thus, because of my fear I have a hard time appreciating what I HAVE... Because I didnt choose it...It kind of happened. Fortunately I have a very cool husband.. He is a few years older than myself. 5 years. He wants that stability. I keep feeling like "But where did my life go??" I feel like I basically SKIPPED an entire period of my life (teenage years and early 20's) and now need to settle into this more mature life and be happy with it...

 

And thus my dissatisfaction, and desperate need for something new. To perhaps capture a little of what my life should have been by experiencing something new...Trust me, I KNOW there is no point dwelling in the past..I KNOW it... But what if your past is not the past?? Like I consistently fear similar incidents from my past repeating... And they ALWAYS do!!

 

So you see, there is a big reason I feel the way I do. I am not saying it is justified. I am just saying there is more background then me just whining and complaining about how I am not happy and want to move away...I need a break from this environment...And its hard for me to accept that this is it.. Does it make a little more sense now??

 

And thus the therapy... I feel like I should print this post and show the therapist cause many times I just forget what I want to express and go in a different direction during the session...

 

I WANT to be happy for him. I WANT to feel like a grown up. For some reason I DONT. Which is why I probably dont appreciate the "grown up things" know what I mean?? So I feel like maybe its a quarter life crisis. Maybe its a lot more than that...All I know is I FEEL this way...

 

And Ms. Pixie, when I say "WHAT ABOUT ME?" I do remind myself of my mother... And its scary. But on the other hand, mom has gotten her way her whole life. SHe has controlled and manipulated...Faked illness. Done everything to get her way. I have not... In fact, the reason I say "What about me?" is because its NEVER been about ME. First it was about Mom...Now its fitting into this "Lah di dah" happy happy vision..

 

OK, excuse my massive rant and venting. I am on lunch break! :-) I dont like being so unsatisfied in my life, and SO SCARED of my future... But my life has trained me to do this...

 

As for the BPD board, I have already joined it but unfortunately if you post on there, you get responses like every 3 weeks or so, although its a good resource...

 

Lastly I need to apologize to all of you for hammering at the same stuff every week or so... And I appreciate all of your advice. I do... And it helps to know there are people out there who actually take the time to at least try to understand and offer advice... So thank you!

[Mz. Pixie]

CG-

 

First of all, I don't think you're whining- I do not believe I ever said that.

 

I knew there had to be alot of background in your marriage because of how traditional your family sounds. My kid's dr?? He had an arranged marriage and he met his wife for 20 minutes before the ceremony. They have been married around 28 years. I wonder how they made it. I think alot of the couples who have stayed married in an arranged marriage either fall in love or stay together because of family values.

 

You are so young. I didn't know what I wanted at your age, I thought I did, but I truly didn't.

 

I know you're not like your mom and I'm not trying to say you are. You can however pick up part of her personality as a "flea" because of being exposed to it. Mine is my mother's worrying and sometimes her anger. I'm not abusive but if I dislike someone I can be pretty cut and dry with them if I have to be. I once yelled at my half brother when my mom was ICU "You- get out in the real world and get yourself a job like everyone else and quit sitting on your ass" and then turned to his girlfriend and said "And you- doing his laundry when he doesn't have a job. WTF? He should be doing everything at home instead of you- he isn't working" Don't get me started that she was older than me and left her husband who owned some stores for my brother- a druggie who didn't have a pot to piss in.

 

When I was going to the BPD site they had an email support group. It wasn't a board. You subscribed to it much like a yahoo group and you got every email that was sent to the group. It was alot of emails to keep up with! I had to email, get approval and such before I could join. Don't know if they still have those or not though!

 

Don't kid yourself CG- you're tough. You can make it through anything- you've just been taught that you can't think for yourself. That's one thing about people like you and I- with what we've been through- if we can make it then nothing can stop us.

 

I understand that you are feeling that way and know that it's wrong. Have you been totally honest with your therapist about what's going on in your marriage??

 

I'm not sure what the answer is to try and get your husband to go to counseling. Perhaps if he thought that it would save your marriage he wouldn't feel so badly about going??

 

I totally also know when you say "What about me?" what you mean. See, I married a man and everything was all about him. When I was pregnant with our last child I had to have an amnio because they thought she had a birth defect. He never came home from his fishing weekend. Left me at home with a five year old crying my eyes out because my baby might be born with a birth defect. He wouldn't let it spoil his FUN. I never really got how much he was like my mother until I sat down with my pastor and told him my entire story. He wasn't BPD but his selfishness made me feel like I was dealing with my mother- which made me want to shut down- with sex- everything! He never put me first or the kids first.

 

When I had my affair- as wierd as it sounds- it was just about me and what I hadn't had. It took me a long time to get to that point CG. But I was tired of never coming first. Don't get me wrong, it was WRONG for me to do that and totally my problem, but my whole life I had put everyone before me.

 

I just cannot be married to someone who never puts me first and my therapist says I shouldn't feel so guilty.

 

When you stuff these feelings deep inside you you eventually can't stand it anymore and it manifest in alot of ways. That is why there are so many people who are alcoholics, drug addicts, too sexually active too early, and a whole other assortment of things. When I was in a group therapy session most of the people in there had drug or alcohol problems. I was the only one who didn't (and my therapist says it's a miracle) and without question every one of those people had experienced some type of trauma in childhood. They weren't making excuses but as we uncovered their stories it was true for them.

 

You have to take care of this at some point and get to feeling better. It's a priority for you right now, CG- especially with the stress you're under at work.

 

Are you taking any type of medication?? Don't consider it a weakness if you are. You would take meds if you had diabetes wouldn't you??? Same thing. I believe you could really benefit from some if not.

[ConfusedGal]

Hi Ms. Pixie,

 

Thanks for the post again. I am not under medication and honestly dont want to be...

 

Also, my husband is not a controlling guy in the sense he does think of me in decisions and really loves me. He wants what any normal married 33 year old guy wants. Stability,a nice home, a nice happy wife, good career, and financial success. I have never quite gotten to that point for the reasons I posted in my previous post... Hence the frustration and the need to live life MY way...

 

Again, hopefully therapy will help me overcome these feelings. My therapist is shocked that I have managed to get all of my education and the job I have with the way my life has been...I guess in that way, I can at least feel good about that I suppose...

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Ms. Pixie,

 

Thanks for the post again. I am not under medication and honestly dont want to be...

 

Also, my husband is not a controlling guy in the sense he does think of me in decisions and really loves me. He wants what any normal married 33 year old guy wants. Stability,a nice home, a nice happy wife, good career, and financial success. I have never quite gotten to that point for the reasons I posted in my previous post... Hence the frustration and the need to live life MY way...

 

Again, hopefully therapy will help me overcome these feelings. My therapist is shocked that I have managed to get all of my education and the job I have with the way my life has been...I guess in that way, I can at least feel good about that I suppose...

 

Of course you can feel good about that. I was the same way- except I didn't become an attorney. Everyone has always said what a success I am. I'm sure on the outside it did look that way.

 

As far as medication goes- I'm sure you don't want to be on any but you may get to the point you feel differently. I didn't take anything until I was 28 and my first child was born and it hit me "How did my mom treat me the way she did? I couldn't treat my child like that!"

 

It's a imbalance in the serotonin in your brain that makes you have anxiety. It's not something you can control or just wish away. It IS something that if you continue to stuff it will come back worse and will totally consume you.

 

No one wants to take medication. Right now, I only take an anti depressant and something for occassional anxiety. But I can tell you it really helps.

 

With anxiety a normal issue will seem so much larger and worse than it really is. You start obsessing. Such as- my husband went to the store one day twice and I thought to myself "What if he's having an affair?" Now, I know he's not- but my brain just went there. With medication I can control those obsessive kind of worries.

 

Anyway it's just my .02 so take it for what it's worth. I wish I would have had someone to advise me though when I was younger like you. I may have saved myself alot of trouble in the long run.

[Walk]

I have had these discussions with my husband, which many times frustrates him. He tells me we will do everything "when it makes sense" and when the time is right... I understand the practicality of what he says. But my heart doesnt ACCEPT that practicality..Its like, damn, I have waited so damn long to do things for ME, and it never seems to happen. I understand his frustration. I really do. But I just need to convince myself to accept it...

 

From the other posts, I think there's a lot of backstory I'm not clear on. So take this with a grain of salt.

 

The above quote. When someone attempts to delay your dream/goal it is controlling to a degree. He's dictating when and how. Not comprimising. He isn't asking when do you want to go, or discussing how the two of you will arrange for it to be done and on what time table. He's telling you that when he feels it's right, then he will take you. That pulls it completely out of your hands. You don't have a say in it, or feel you have any control over it. And from what I gather, that's part of the issue isn't it? You feel you have no control over your life and want it?

 

I'm going to tell you a bit of my experience, because where you're at reminds me of me at your age. I was married, had our dream house, good jobs, two cars, etc. etc. Perfect. All we needed were the 2.3 kids. We already had the dog.

 

I hated it. Felt like I had no control, no real say. Yeah he listened. He'd say we'd do whatever I had suggested, but nothign would happen. Only way I got something was when I threw a massive fit. My mantra became "What about ME?" All available money went for stuff he wanted. Vacations to places he wanted. Material things he wanted. Mostly I didn't care, I'm really laid back. But when I wanted something it never happened. Never came to fruitation. I got really selfish at the end of the marriage. He'd explain very patiently how I have a say in everything. It was BS. And all the while, everyone telling me how good I had it. How much I should appreciate my life. How any woman would die to be in my place.

 

I divorced him after 7 years of that. There are a few things I would've done differently though.

A.) I should've been more blatant about what I wanted and when from the get-go. I let my resentment fester. He may have been unclear on how important my requests were to me. Your husband may not be clear on how important going to Europe is to you. Be blatant, upfront, and explain it like he's a two year old, and explain it for as long as you need to, to get him to understand the importance of it.

B.) I should've put my foot down sooner. Stood my ground on making decisions a Team effort and not go along with his every whim.

C.) I shouldn't have allowed him to stifle my dreams. I never had anything so major that would've destroyed the marriage. Moving to another state won't destroy the marriage, or ruin someones life forever. Careers might be set back for a short period, but they don't necessarily have to be. Living in regret for the rest of your life will cause permenant damage though.

 

Most important, I should have never stopped fighting to make him see how important those things really were for me. I gave up too soon when he'd say "We'll do that later", or "Someday". I should have stood up for myself. We might actually have stayed married if I had proven my commitment to those dreams. Instead, I proved that they weren't that big of a deal by backing down after he brushed them aside. I should've told him "No, I want to decide now on a time to go."

[ConfusedGal]

Hi Walk,

 

You are right to a large extent. The difference however (if you have read any of my back posts) is that he DID try to move for me a few months ago. he got a promotion in another state and I was the one to tell him to turn it down cause I freaked that I wouldnt get a job there or it would take me like a year and I didnt want to be apart from him... I screwed up. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I didnt tgo wioth my heart but went with the practical aspect of a loss of financial stability if I had to take a much lower paying job there.... I got called for 3 interviews a week after he turned it down. And it was a DUMB mistake. So now he is like "Well, you screwed up. Deal with the consequences like a grown up." And he is right. But now I feel stuck (again if you read my post) and he is like now we need to wait a few years.. so thats a bit of background...

[Guest]

ConfusedGal,

 

I'm an Indian man - 37 years old. My wife is american. She's 43. We met when i was 23 and she was 29. We fell in love very quickly and got married 2.5 years later. We now have a business together, 15 people working for us, 4 cars, 3 kids, 1 dog. My parents LOVE her to death and vice versa. I get along great with her parents and vice versa. So what's the problem you ask?

 

She was my first "real" girlfriend, and she'd already sown her wild oats during her 20s. I, on the other hand, feel like i missed out on my 20s. Initially, i was not bothered by this, but now I am. I feel like I haven't had my share of "fun", while she has. Midlife crisis? I don't know...

 

Especially with kids and the business commitments, feels like we got a LOT older in the last few years. I still want to cut loose once in a while, but the logistics of having 3 young kids (8,7,3) makes it damn near impossible.

 

We used to have tons of fun before the kids & business came. We traveled a lot together. In your case, since you don't have kids, NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO.

 

Both of you need to take a sabbatical from work - 1-3 months - and go around the world. Pack lightly and take a train across Europe for a month. Fall is the perfect time to do this - no crowds. Then continue onto India for a few weeks. Finally drive across America for 2 weeks, visiting the national parks and other landmarks...

 

I did something similar for my honeymoon - took off 2 months. The amount of "together" time you will have with your husband cannot be measured....

 

As Indians, we do a lot of things to keep our parents happy. But at some point, you need to say F**K it and do things for YOURSELF.