Generalisations

[sirjay]

These boards are full of people in pain who are reaching out for some kind of sense in what they are experiencing or answers to questions that just don't have answers at that point in time.

 

There is an awful lot of accepted wisdom on these matters and they make up the bulk of the replies that people get.

 

I think its worth pointing out that NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN A GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCE.

 

In fact, you yourself - if you can clear your head a little and be strong - are in the best position to answer your questions because only you know the person you love. Everyone else here is taking shots in the dark or generalising.

 

Yes, I agree that NC is often wise but there are always going to be cases where its not best. I myself have been through a number of different breakup situations and the outcomes were always different. I never knew about NC and the gameplaying people advocate on here, i just opened my heart and said what i felt. it often meant i was needy or i chased or i was weak, but nevertheless, there were different outcomes:

 

- a girl i had had an affair for for many years saw another guy for 2 months which really hurt me but i stuck through it and ended up leaving the unhappy relationship i was in and getting back together with the girl i loved for 7 years. she left him and came back to me.

 

- i tried being friends with a girl i loved and it just dragged things out and hurt me a lot. we tried going to paris to save the relationship and it was horrible.

 

- i got given a second chance after a breakup from a 2 year relationship - i failed to make the changes that were needed since it was too soon that we got back together (1 month and no NC) and it fell apart after another year of the same pattern.

 

- an ex i broke up with because we were just hurting each other came back after 7 years and said that her and her family had missed me throughout the NC and she wanted to try again. i didnt want to but we became good friends.

 

- i am currently 4 months broken up with the girl i love. i screwed up the situation and needed to get my life together. my heart tells me that the time apart and my changes will win the day... we still miss each other despite all the hurt and fighting. she had good reason to break up and there were clearly defined circumstances that caused it but the relationship was brilliant and could be way better... time will tell.

 

 

So... when it is affairs of the heart, no one really knows what will happen. follow YOUR heart, take care of yourselves and do what YOU feel is best and learn from the experience, much as it hurts. There is a good thread on here somewhere from a guy who is being friends to his ex, tolerating her seeing another guy, and seems to be winning her back through his love. Anything is possible.

 

games are not always the best way.

[Nicholas]

Yes, I agree that NC is often wise but there are always going to be cases where its not best. I myself have been through a number of different breakup situations and the outcomes were always different. I never knew about NC and the gameplaying people advocate on here

 

NC isn't a game really, it's more of a coping strategy. It helps you focus on yourself and not act out destructively or lose face, and it gives the other person the space they'll likely appreciate.

[westernxer]

follow YOUR heart

 

It's better to follow your head, and your gut.

 

The heart can deceive you.

[sirjay]

i'd argue that gut instinct and following your heart both infer making decisions based on intuition and emotion rather than logic and other people's ideas. that was the point i was trying to make: your feeling, your instinct, rather than trying to follow some kind of rules or other peoples opinions. i mean, its natural to feel terribly confused and insecure and reach out for advice but i think everyone on here, deep down, knows what is going on really.

[jmars]

I agree that no contact may or may not be a "game", depending on how one uses it.

 

It's a game, and maybe a cruel one to play on yourself, if the sole purpose is to get the other to take interest again.

 

It's not a game if you are focusing on your own developement, as an individual, with the peripheral awareness that maybe it will bring the other around, maybe not. Call it hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Thus, if the other doesn't come around, you are already in a position to let the matter rest (in peace).

 

My wife and I have technically been broken up for two months now, even thugh in actuality it has only been just over a month. As we have kids together, no contact doesn't quite work. So, we talked about where we are, where we are going, and mutually agreed that the best thing for our relationship is simply to be friends, but mostly concentrate on our own developement as individuals.

 

No games.

 

Damn, I wish she was just a girlfriend, or at least that there were no kids involved. <mirthless smile>

[alphamale]

I think its worth pointing out that NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN A GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCE.

how old are you SIRJAY??? you sound sorta young... I'm 41. After you get some REAL life experience you'll probably see things a bit differently.

[Diver012]

NC means different things to different people.

 

Yes there seems to be a lot of people here that are using it as a way to get their EX back...

 

Some of us, myself included, are using it for self reflection and improvement. If she comes back, announces that she made a mistake and wants it back the way it was... No Thanks. Im not that easy. Im going to want more information. I want to know how its going to be different. I want to know why it lead to that in the first place.

 

Its not a game to me. She threw down the gauntlet and ended it. I picked it up and said, cool. Dont let the door hit you in the ASS!

[riobikini]

re:

 

(From AlphaMale's reply to Sirjay)

 

 

Originally Posted by sirjay

I think its worth pointing out that NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN A GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCE.

 

Alphamale: "how old are you SIRJAY??? you sound sorta young... I'm 41. After you get some REAL life experience you'll probably see things a bit differently.

"

 

Have to agree with Alpha on his take of the direction of Sirjay's post.

 

It's true (Smile) -so far, I haven't come across anyone confessing to having clairvoyant powers to forsee the future regarding anyone's problems, (at least, yet), -but still, I think we *are* able to judge a few actions of a poster, although, not necessarily sit in personal or overall judgement of them, having no in-person knowledge of who they are, nor what they're all about.

 

But when people ask for opinion here, they've come to the right place, -that is- unless you simply don't have the good sense to glean out what works for you, nor the intelligence to put it to good use.

 

I interepreted Alpha's post to mean that, generally-speaking, being a few years older and having experienced a few more of life's ups and downs, just happens to be a pretty good resource to tap into, -especially if you're wondering what might be around the corner but are just too afraid to take a peek, yourself, right now.

 

Age -and *experience* does put a different spin on how we deal with certain 'problems' the longer we live, and the more times we are confronted with the same, or similar stuff.

 

Growing older is supposed to be synonymous with wisdom, -but sometimes, sadly, I admit it isn't.

 

Getting advice from someone older is supposed to make you feel better, -but with some circumstances, it doesn't.

 

After hearing advice from someone older, you're supposed to walk away feeling a little less burdened and a whole lot less confused, but what happens alot of the time, is you don't.

 

I think the *best* thing that comes from using older people for a sounding board and to solicit advice from, is the way it makes you think.

 

Somehow, your 'thinking bug' just cranks up and regenerates itself, and you wind up coming up with *your own* ideas and solutions to your problems.

 

That's how it's *supposed* to work.

 

There's a little risque story about a couple of bulls -a young one and an old one- standing on a hill looking down at all the cute young heifers grazing below.

 

The young and feisty bull, excitedly says to the old bull, " Do you see what I see down there? What do you think about running down this hill and just having our way with one of those young heifers?"

 

The older bull replies, " Run? Why don't we *walk* down there and have our way with *all* of them?"

 

(Smile)

 

I guess success is all in the way you look at it, -and who's eyes (and experiences) you are viewing the situation through.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[GB111]

Relationships ARE a game. Avoid games if you'd like, but you're going to be very lonely.

[breakmybody]

Excellent point, sirjay. I've been avoiding posting on here for just that reason. You know your girl better than anybody here, and you'll know exactly what to do about the situation when what you truly desire presents itself. This is a great place to come to discuss interpersonal problems, but we should also see that when we ask questions to which we have the best answers already we're searching for reassurance.

[riobikini]

re:

 

GB111: " Relationships ARE a game. Avoid games if you'd like, but you're going to be very lonely."

 

 

Building romantic relationships is full of very fundamental, natural, ritualistic human behavior patterns.

 

It could be looked at as kind of a game.

 

I think it's actually expected, given our tendencies, because we're talking about thinking, calculating humans here, who have the ability to emphasize and express emotions, and project them into complicated actions -uniquely different than that of any other flesh creature.

 

And as with any game, (if it becomes one) it's subject to cries of "Foul play!", once in a while.

 

-Rio

[sirjay]

i'm 35 and have a lot of relationship experience. my experience has told me not to try to second guess outcomes.