i constantly cheat, why???

[Blather1213]

i am in a relationship with a guy who i think is about to propose. i love him and want to say yes, but i don't think it is fair because i have cheated on him and continue to cheat up until maybe a month ago. it wasn't a conscious effort to stop cheating, i've just been busy.

 

i know that sounds terrible. but i know if i'd gone out and met someone in the past month, not much would have stopped me from cheating.

 

maybe sometimes i just don't understand my feelings, because i love my boyfriend, and i would marry him, and i would have children with him. a lot of me looks forward to these things with him. but i don't know if i can go though with it, knowing all the things i have done. i know people say you don't do things that hurt the people you love, and if you do, you don't love them, but i really know that i do. if i didn't, my behavior wouldn't bother me, and i wouldn't want to marry him.

 

this is the first serious relationship i have had that is heading toward marriage. i guess that's why i want to talk about it now; with all the others (any ex boyfriends i've had) it was pretty much "well, it's not like i'm not engaged or married so it doesn't matter what i do." but now i almost am, and i don't know if i can stop cheating.

 

i am not addicted sex, i don't think, because it isn't like i'm not getting any at home and have to go out and find it. our sex life is perfectly fine, except when i feel guilty about having had sex with another guy just hours ago, and i don't feel right letting him in where someone else just was. it feels dirty.

 

i have cheated on every boyfriend i have ever had. i am now approaching 30 (still a little ways to go though!) i lost my virginty at 14, and that guy broke up with me because i got drunk and asked some guy if he was a virgin, and if so, would he like to stop being one, and then i cheated. next boyfriend, i was with him for years, and cheated on him with several different people. i was in another relationship for even longer, about 5 years, and cheated on him with 13 people over the course of those years, maybe more. and that's only counting actual sex. i broke up with him and started dating someone i cheated on him with, and then cheated on that guy. the first one, at 14, was the only one i've told the truth to. i learned that being honest doesn't work when it comes to cheating. but instead of stopping the cheating, i stopped telling the truth about it when i do it.

 

it sounds ridiculous, because i know i know better, so it shouldn't be a problem, but it is. it's like i can't say no, or even when i want to, i don't know how. and then it happens and i'm like, what? how, again?

 

i guess my question is do i come clean with my boyfriend and tell him the truth, and try to work it out? or do i just deal with it and try to stop doing it, but keep my relationship intact? i don't know if i can deal with this problem when i am with him and feel so guilty, it would be like a slap in my face. but i love him too much to think i need to separate myself from him in order to figure out my problems.

 

does this ever work out for anyone? i'm not a bad person, other than this.

[HokeyReligions]

Don't marry him. Be honest with him. If you really love him then you want his happiness and he deserves to have an honest partner. Maybe you should see a doctor about your inability to be be faithful. It could be ADD/ADHD or one of many other personality disorders or OCD - these have been successfully treated with medication and counseling in many cases.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you really love him at all - you love having someone in your life and have confused his love for you with your feelings for him.

 

Obviously telling yourself to stop cheating is not working. You need help.

[Blather1213]

Don't marry him. Be honest with him. If you really love him then you want his happiness and he deserves to have an honest partner. Maybe you should see a doctor about your inability to be be faithful. It could be ADD/ADHD or one of many other personality disorders or OCD - these have been successfully treated with medication and counseling in many cases.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you really love him at all - you love having someone in your life and have confused his love for you with your feelings for him.

 

Obviously telling yourself to stop cheating is not working. You need help.

 

 

thanks for the advice. i think i know what i need to do, it's just a matter of doing it and i don't know if i can.

 

cheating could be caused add/adhd/ocd? i never knew that. at first i thought i was just being selfish, but you're right, telling myself to stop is not working no matter how good my intentions are.

 

the only thing i disagree with is that i don't love him. i do. and that's why i want to stop doing this to someone i love. i'm not doing right by him at all, but i do love him.

[john2776]

Firstly - don't marry him! You have two choices, tell him the truth and give him the choice to work it through with you, or break it off now before he proposes. Don't let it come to that - he deserves better.

 

You need to sort this out and its not going to be easy. The first thing you need to do is make the decision that you want to fix your behaviour.

 

Maybe you would be better off with a life as a single person. Or in open relationships. Some guys will accept that no problem. Who do you want to be? Who-ever it is, you need to be honest with your partner about it.

[Blather1213]

i really though i would be torn a new one for this post, thanks for all the advive, guys. maybe i just need to talk about to other people, it, even though i know he really has a right to know. most people don't know i do this, so no one feels the need to stop me, which i guess is both good and bad.

 

i don't know how to bring this up. maybe if he saw it coming it would be easier, but he really has no clue. it'll be a total shock. i hate this.

[westernxer]

i don't know how to bring this up. maybe if he saw it coming it would be easier, but he really has no clue. it'll be a total shock. i hate this.

 

That's life.

[Blather1213]

That's life.

 

yeah, thanks.

[clandestinidad]

Can you explain how the cheating makes you feel?

 

You've been very honest here, and I think it would help to evaluate how the cheating affects you. Whether its the timespan leading up to the sex act, or the sex act itself, or the time after.

 

I know you said that you feel guilty having sex w/ your boyfriend after sleeping with someone else, but I'm wondering what other feelings you experience.

 

Since this is such a pattern, there must be some sort of benefit that you derive from it. It might not be that you're addicted to the sex itself, but that there is something about the situation that you're hooked on.

 

It could be that you enjoy the thrill of flirting and seeking out someone to sleep with. It could be that you enjoy the thrill of sex with a stranger. It could also be that you enjoy the 'deviant'/deceitful feelings that come from doing something that no one knows about.

 

There could be a lot of reasons, and I'd like to know what you experience.

 

I believe you that you love your boyfriend. People who have sexual issues such as yours are capable of loving their significant others. They are just 'addicted' to something that they derive from the behavior.

 

Maybe if you can really look at it, and figure out what it is that you get from it, it can start a process of behavior modification.

 

I strongly believe that you should seek professional help for this. It has become a major pattern in your life, and will physically and emotionally hurt you and people you're involved with.

 

The problem with getting help for addictions is that people enjoy them so much that its very hard to change. This is why you will need professional help for it.

[john2776]

i don't know how to bring this up. maybe if he saw it coming it would be easier, but he really has no clue. it'll be a total shock. i hate this.

Just get yourself into an honest frame of mind - ie Everything he asks I am going to answer with the full truth. Then start the conversation by asking him if he has ever cheated on you. Ask a few questions, then he will naturally ask you the same questions back.

[Pantero]

Don't marry him. Why should he suffer because of your infidelity?

 

And go see a therapist.

[theantibarbie23]

And go see a therapist.

Bingo. You need therepy because you are acting in an extremely self-destructive manner. You are not only risking this relationship but putting yourself AND him at risk for STDs. You need to talk to a professional about your compulsion, pronto.

 

And yes, you should tell him and let him decide where he wants to go from here.

[Blather1213]

Bingo. You need therepy because you are acting in an extremely self-destructive manner. You are not only risking this relationship but putting yourself AND him at risk for STDs. You need to talk to a professional about your compulsion, pronto.

 

And yes, you should tell him and let him decide where he wants to go from here.

 

i do feel self-destructive, but like i'm on a path i can't stop. i'm so tired from lying and trying to remember the right lie for the right time. i just want to not do this anymore.

 

kat, i don't know how to describe what i feel, but i can tell you how it usually goes. either i'm out alone or out with friends, and i meet someone. i either end up home with him that night (not usually!) or get his number. i'll have the number in my possession for maybe 2 days and then i call to see what will happen. during those 2 days it's all i think about until i call. we make plans to meet somewhere, we hang out, and eventually have sex, not always on the first planned meeting. i feel like i've had full-on second relationships with other men at the same time. it's not good. i've been with a few married men, and that was always easier for me because they weren't attached to me and i felt like i wasn't the only one doing something wrong to someone else. i also convinced myself that yes, married people cheat, so it's common, and that my boyfriend would probably cheat anyway, so it's normal.

 

i feel like i treat my boyfriend better during the days i'm thinking about calling someone else. maybe i feel guilty and it makes me feel more attracted to him for some reason? or more protective. if anything, i would think it would distract me from him, but it brings me closer to him during that time, more conversation, more cuddles, etc. things are usually pretty good between us, but at that time it's really good. i just don't know why.

 

thanks for believing i love him. i think you can do hurtful things to someone you love, even if it sucks.

[MarnieGirl]

are you ever without a boyfriend or male companion of some kind? it seems that for you, it's a looooooong string of guys, one overlapping the other, since you were 14 years old.

 

have you ever given yourself the chance to be single and find out what it is you really want? you could still be the same way (carefully, of course) without being in a relationship. it would be a lot more guilt-free, and you might find that you value relationships more when you aren't tearing them apart secretly.

[witabix]

The person I feel sorriest for in this is you.

 

You seem to be torturing yourself. You will eventually tear someone's heart out. It may be the one you are with now.

 

All the while tearing your own heart out. How can you do this to yourself? This is not making you happy, it is already causing you enough trouble to come on here and ask about it.

 

Come clean with him, do it once to see what honesty feels like, and to see what effect your behaviour has on other people.

 

Yes it will kill him and may end your relationship, but he deserves better treatment than this.

 

Be big girl, all grown up, accept your responsibilities for once.

[MarnieGirl]

 

Come clean with him, do it once to see what honesty feels like, and to see what effect your behaviour has on other people.

 

 

Be big girl, all grown up, accept your responsibilities for once.

 

she was honest once, and it apparently didn't work out. it's in her post.

 

 

 

i'll say once again, i think you should be on your own for a while and find out what you want, blather. don't even let him get to the proposal. be alone; do stuff by yourself, hang out with friends at places that aren't conducive to meeting people. see what it's like to be single, and see how you feel about your life without attaching yourself to one, or several, men.

 

some people said it, and i'll say it, too. he does have the right to know what you've been doing, because he is basing his feelings for you on quite a few lies, if he really has no idea.

 

(can you really not have any idea someone is cheating on you? especially this often with this many men?)

[witabix]

she was honest once, and it apparently didn't work out. it's in her post.

 

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

I don't think her present behaviour is working for her either. I still advocate the honesty route, being 'honest' at 14 is not in any way the same as being honest at 30.

[MarnieGirl]

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

I don't think her present behaviour is working for her either. I still advocate the honesty route, being 'honest' at 14 is not in any way the same as being honest at 30.

 

i agree. i was just showing that she was at one point honest, and she tried at 14, and learned that being honest doesn't always get you what you want, and then didn't change her behavior since that time, it's likely that she has the same mindset as when she was 14. and yikes. she has that selfish "if you don't know, you can't get mad and it didn't really happen" attitude, despite all the love messages carefully placed througout the post. all i know is, if i did it, i would tell Bob,and let Bob decide.

 

if you hurt someone, and you hate that you hurt them, what better feeling could there be than setting them free from your horribility?

[Blather1213]

glad you guys are having a laugh at my expense.

 

i guess i need to tell him. i just don't know how and when. any other suggestions?

 

should i just come right out and tell him? write a note and leave and stay with someone else til he calls me and is ready to talk? do what someone else said, and bring up questions to him, and then let him ask me and i answer him truthfully?

 

gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Guest1]

I am in exactly the same position as you.I am engaged but i still cheat.I wasnt very pretty when i was younger and its only now that ive found that guys are attracted to me.Maybe its the thrill of the guys liking me and chasing me that i like because i dont always have sex with them striaght away.

Maybe its a power thing so you know your in control.Im not exactly sure because i sort of have the same problem.I dont think your a bad person.Well i would say that because im doing exactly the same but others cant judge you when they havent walked a mile in your shoes!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your significant other to be upfront and honest with you? You sit him down and tell him. I would suggest that you write out a letter to him and have him read it while you are sitting with him. Ask him to read it completely before he asks you any questions. After he reads it you need to answer all of his questions honestly and openly. You have the ability to change your life. Again you would not want someone to do to you what you are are doing to your boyfriend. I wish you luck.

[Blather1213]

Hello,

 

After he reads it you need to answer all of his questions honestly and openly.

 

 

thanks, bryanp. i do have to tell him and i will, it's just a matter of when and how.

 

and i don't know how comfortable i am "answering all of his questions honestly". i won't make it seem like less than it is, and i won't lie, but i don't see how telling him names, numbers, places and events will help him. i don't think he needs to know those things, only that i have been very unfaithful and think he should know before we progress. it wouldn't do anything but hurt him to give more details, and i am not going to do that even if he asks me.

 

is he going to ask me all those questions? like, who and where? what did i do with them? did i have an orgasm? i will not go that far and answer those. it would only satisfy his curiosity, not fix the problem.

[Blather1213]

if i didn't care, i wouldn't be trying to stop it before he gets stuck with someone who has hurt him. not all people who have a problem or make mistakes do it because they want to hurt someone. don't make it your personal mission to help me see the light, as i already have, obviously. i do love him; if i didn't, i wouldn't feel guilty, and i wouldn't even bother telling him.

[superconductor]

I don't begrudge one mistake. I've been known to make them on occasion myself. But you yourself said that you always cheat.

 

That's not a mistake. That's a habit, maybe even an addiction. But you can't see it because you're too wrapped up in narcissism.

 

You need professional help.

[Blather1213]

i agree with the rest of it, seeing as i've already explained it myself. you haven't said anything here that i haven't, except the narcissism. i don't see how that's relevant really. i don't think i am above anything in this life. i want to stop doing what i am doing. i guess i just don't know how to get there and i am trying to find out. your wounded ego from your past isn't helping me, but i guess it makes you feel better, so carry on.

[Guest]

I dont see how calling her is going to help things.Shes come here for help.Regardless if shes wrong or right shes human she makes mistakes like everyone on here probably has.If you have nothing beneficial to say dont post.

 

I would suggest you go and seek help for yourself.Why you do these things maybe theres a reason for why your doing it.If you didnt care you wouldnt have posted on here you would have kept on doing what your doing.So i believe that you do actually care.

Maybe its to cover up for something else?Maybe thats why you do it.I dont know im no proffessional.