i constantly cheat, why???

[Blather1213]

i've been speaking to two mutual friends of ours (who are a couple) since last night. i've told them everything (well, not a lot of details, but more than i am prepared to share with my boyfriend) and they listened and gave me feedback.

 

they were shocked, they had no idea and didn't understand how i could have hidden it so well. they said my boyfriend really has no idea, or at least didn't mention it to them, and we all agreed that we think he would have mentioned something to them if he suspected something.

 

i can just imagine what they're saying about me now, but when i was there they were supportive. neither can predict how he's going to feel about this, if he'll forgive me or not.

 

they both think that because it's been a pattern my whole life, he's more likely to 'understand' it, but we all agree that it won't make what i did any more personally bearable for him.

 

i feel like now that someone else knows, i have to tell him because i can't hide it anymore. the risk of him finding out from them first scares me (they said they won't tell him before i do as long as long i tell him soon, and especially before we're engaged. i said 'i don't know if he's doing that, and if he is, i don't know when" and they said "guess you better hurry then'.)

 

i am so scared, but i need to do this for him and for myself. even if i just ended it with him, it wouldn't make my problem go away. i just hope i can keep him in the process, though i know i run the risk of him leaving me.

 

now i can't wait til it's all over. i think i'll talk to him today. until i actually see him and chicken out.

[Blather1213]

I dont see how calling her is going to help things.Shes come here for help.Regardless if shes wrong or right shes human she makes mistakes like everyone on here probably has.If you have nothing beneficial to say dont post.

 

I would suggest you go and seek help for yourself.Why you do these things maybe theres a reason for why your doing it.If you didnt care you wouldnt have posted on here you would have kept on doing what your doing.So i believe that you do actually care.

Maybe its to cover up for something else?Maybe thats why you do it.I dont know im no proffessional.

 

thanks, guest. i'm no professional either, and i was hoping to avoid one because i hate them, but maybe i have no choice now. if i can't do this myself though, i don't see how someone else is going to make me stop. they don't have an anti-cheating pill, as far as i know.

 

maybe i am just meant to be alone. i don't feel that way though, this time i feel like i am with the right person and i don't want to hurt him anymore. i don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

[grateful]

thanks, guest. i'm no professional either, and i was hoping to avoid one because i hate them, but maybe i have no choice now. if i can't do this myself though, i don't see how someone else is going to make me stop. they don't have an anti-cheating pill, as far as i know.

 

It's good you are considering a professional because what you need to do is answer the question you asked in the title of the thread. Why do you do it? Only you can answer that and when you do that will be the magic anti-cheating pill that will help you stop.

[Blather1213]

It's good you are considering a professional because what you need to do is answer the question you asked in the title of the thread. Why do you do it? Only you can answer that and when you do that will be the magic anti-cheating pill that will help you stop.

 

 

thanks for the advice, grateful. i guess there a lot more people who understand than i ever would have thought.

[witabix]

Well, you have broken the silence anyway.

 

You have started it now, there is no going back.

 

You just have to tell him.

 

If he asks about details..... if you refuse to answer questions that he has he will suspect further.....

 

Some people do want to know the details, some don't.

 

I think you have to leave it up to him.

 

But here are some questions you may not have thought about.

 

How, in the future, are you going to show him you are faithful?

 

How will you be able, through your behaviours, to convince him? Forever.

 

What are you prepared to do to "keep him in the process"?

 

If you have blown it with him what are you going to do in the future?

[Blather1213]

 

If he asks about details..... if you refuse to answer questions that he has he will suspect further.....

 

 

 

i don't know what else he could suspect if i already am telling him the truth. he's going to be suspicious regardless of whether i tell him names, or how many or whether i got off or not, know what i mean? it's like splashing someone when they're already soaked; you can't get them wetter than wet, so it's pointless.

 

i'll have to refuse to tell him, i can't share that with him and i don't think he needs to know it. i think he needs to know what directly affects him, which is the fact that the behavior exists and that i am confronting the problem, trying to stop it, and letting him be aware so he can make the decision about whether to work it out or not.

 

i really have no idea which direction this is going to go in. he is coming over very soon.

 

i have copied and pasted your questions into ms word and i am going to answer them for myself. thanks for providing them. right now, i'm just trying to get through the first part until i start worrying about the future, but it can't hurt to prepare a little. thanks again.

[Me 2]

there haven't been multiple men, but I'm cheating too. I'm not in love with the other guy or anything, it's just like a drug. I can't seem to say no. It's an adrenaline high I guess. I've also always been self-destructive. maybe it has to do with some sort of weird I don't deserve to have this good of a relationship, so I'll sabotage it. I definitely think we could both use some professional counseling.

[witabix]

Thats no problem blather.

 

I do actually feel for you.

 

I do not condone your actions, but I do not condemn you.

 

I get the feeling from your posts that you are truly sorry for this behaviour, and you wish it had never happened.

 

You have to convince him of this, and that you never want to do it again.

 

You must respect yourself more than you have been doing.

 

You are already on the way, you have recognised the negative aspects of your behaviour, you have broken your silence here, and with your mutual friends.

 

I get the feeling that you are really trying to force the issue out so that you can deal with it.

 

Remember, even if this all blows up in your face, you have started on a road to better place.

 

Keep us informed.

 

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

[Blather1213]

Thats no problem blather.

 

I do actually feel for you.

 

I do not condone your actions, but I do not condemn you.

 

I get the feeling from your posts that you are truly sorry for this behaviour, and you wish it had never happened.

 

You have to convince him of this, and that you never want to do it again.

 

You must respect yourself more than you have been doing.

 

You are already on the way, you have recognised the negative aspects of your behaviour, you have broken your silence here, and with your mutual friends.

 

I get the feeling that you are really trying to force the issue out so that you can deal with it.

 

Remember, even if this all blows up in your face, you have started on a road to better place.

 

Keep us informed.

 

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

 

thank you again, witabix. i think the fact that so many people aren't being as judgmental as i thought is helping me to realize that sometimes people have more compassion than is expected. thanks for all the advice, everyone.

 

he is going to be here any minute. i think i'm going to hurl.

[Pantero]

I'm curious to read how it went. Do let us know so others can learn...

 

If nothing else, at least you took some initaitive and admitted you have a problem. But, seriously, do go get some help. And like the other poster has said - stay single for awhile to sort your s*** out before you jam yourself up (or someone else who doesn't deserve it) again.

[Asafan]

It takes guts to get married and stay committed. It is good that you are getting help though. You need it.

[Spectre]

thanks for believing i love him. i think you can do hurtful things to someone you love, even if it sucks.

 

 

You do not love this man if you constantly cheat on him. Even IF you cheat because of other issues, if you loved him at all you wouldnt of ever cheated on him and you sure as heck would not of waited this long to tell him.

 

I'm not saying youre a bad person, but dont kid yourself hun- You do not love this guy. And also, just because you had a bad experience being honest at 14 really is in no way an excuse to not be honest with this guy.

[Spectre]

if i didn't care, i wouldn't be trying to stop it before he gets stuck with someone who has hurt him. you don't know anything about me.

 

I had some sympathy for you, until you tried to play this "if i didnt care this wouldnt happen"

 

The fact is, even if you cared, it was nowhere NEAR enough, nor anywhere near the amount of care a person should have for someone they're dating. Don't try to play it off with the guise of "i dont want him to be stuck with me" well, this is because you think he's going to propose. Before that, you didnt seem to "care" at all when you were out sleeping around, did you? Do not play this game

 

Being a jerk..kinda like cheating on someone constantly and only wanting to confess to them once you get the inkling they are going to propose? As they say, he who lives in a glass house throw the first stone, and in this case, your house is made of tissue paper.

 

not all people who have a problem or make mistakes do it because they want to hurt someone.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You might not of cheated with the mindset "im doing this to hurt my bf" but, you still showed complete lack of respect for him as a person.

 

don't make it your personal mission to help me see the light, as i already have, obviously. i do love him; if i didn't, i wouldn't feel guilty, and i wouldn't even bother telling him.

Guilt isnt a sign of love, and again no: you do not love this kid. You love this guy the same way those little kids who torture hamsters love their pets. You DONT get brownie points for being honest. You arent doing this guy some grand service, youre owning up to your own sh*t. You might not hate this guy, but when you love someone it requires a certain amount if caring, respect, and understanding, and really? You have none, the fact that you wanna tell this guy the truth before marrying him just shows you have some decency in you, but it doesnt mean you love him. Actions speak louder than words

[Spectre]

 

i'll have to refuse to tell him, i can't share that with him and i don't think he needs to know it.

 

You have NO right to withhold information. That right there proves to me again you don't love this kid, you should answer every damn question this guy has for you, and to even suggest otherwise is just plain SELFISH! you already cheated on him, people sometimes need DETAILS for closure, if you're going to tell him you cheated but not let him ask questions or not answer them then just dont f'ing bother. Seriously, you have no right to refuse him any information, you cant just choose to be selectively honest about certain things. You should tell him everything he wants to know, its the very least you could do for the guy, you've already destroyed him.

 

God..people these days

[blind_otter]

I had some sympathy for you, until you tried to play this "if i didnt care this wouldnt happen"

 

The fact is, even if you cared, it was nowhere NEAR enough, nor anywhere near the amount of care a person should have for someone they're dating. Don't try to play it off with the guise of "i dont want him to be stuck with me" well, this is because you think he's going to propose. Before that, you didnt seem to "care" at all when you were out sleeping around, did you? Do not play this game

 

 

Being a jerk..kinda like cheating on someone constantly and only wanting to confess to them once you get the inkling they are going to propose? As they say, he who lives in a glass house throw the first stone, and in this case, your house is made of tissue paper.

 

 

 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You might not of cheated with the mindset "im doing this to hurt my bf" but, you still showed complete lack of respect for him as a person.

 

 

 

Guilt isnt a sign of love, and again no: you do not love this kid. You love this guy the same way those little kids who torture hamsters love their pets. You DONT get brownie points for being honest. You arent doing this guy some grand service, youre owning up to your own sh*t. You might not hate this guy, but when you love someone it requires a certain amount if caring, respect, and understanding, and really? You have none, the fact that you wanna tell this guy the truth before marrying him just shows you have some decency in you, but it doesnt mean you love him. Actions speak louder than words

 

 

So how was this helpful?

 

Or was this post just a general "you're a dirty slut, shut your mouth" kinda post?

[Spectre]

So how was this helpful?

 

Or was this post just a general "you're a dirty slut, shut your mouth" kinda post?

 

Im gonna call some more BS- Where did i say dirty slut? or imply it?

 

 

my problem is with this chick bitching at someone else for their comments, and trying to cover her shady behavior with bulls*** excuses like "if i didnt care i wouldnt feel guilty!" Along with the fact that shes trying to cram the fact that she loves this guy down our throats, when her actions obviously contradict that

 

The bottom line is: she cheated, shes does not love this man. the only thing to do now is tell him and hope he has enough common sense to leave. If she wants to discuss why she cheated, fine, but dont try to act like youre something you're not

 

and sure as hell dont get in a twist when someone calls you on your shady ass behavior.

[MarnieGirl]

i don't think that the OP thinks she is doing some great service to that guy. i think another poster got a little too personal, and she was trying to explain herself. there's no reason to threaten with namecalling and insults.

 

we don't know if she loves him or not, but no one can tell her whether she does or doesn't. people who love people can screw up. that's not to say that all people who screw-up are still feeling love either. that's why there are circumstances to everything, conditions for every situation.

 

i do agree her 'screw-up' is overly excessive. but i do think people sometimes mess up, even keep messing up, until they come to a point of realization that it needs to stop for everyone involved.

 

whether she deserves another chance is certainly up to her boyfriend, as it would be up to you if you were in the same situation. she can't undo what she did; for her own state of mind, she is allowed to come clean of all this. her boyfriend's reaction is almost secondary.

 

in any case, she's trying. she's already decided to talk to him and tell the truth, and she's taking actions to rectify what's going on.

 

i'm curious to see how it goes. i don't see as many candid and honest people here, it's always shrouded in excuses. but i don't see this as an excuse. she's just telling us what she knows, i think, in this case so we can get the best idea of what might help her. she has no reason to hide it, we don't know her and never will.

 

p.s. it's not really an excuse to say "if i didn't care, i wouldn't do something about it." it's actually very true. if she didn't care, it wouldn't matter what he thought or how it affected him. i don't know why you have such a problem with that. it's like that "denial is the first step" analogy. sure, someone actually doing something might deny it, but...so would someone NOT doing something, which would be appropriate...

[Spectre]

 

we don't know if she loves him or not, but no one can tell her whether she does or doesn't.

 

Actions speak louder than words. She does not love this man. Now, she herself may THINK she loves him, but that does not make it so. I can think Im jesus christ, but it doesnt change the fact I'm not, and you'd know if I was jesus by my actions, if i begin healing people, walking on water, raising the dead, if anything else it atleast gives some credibility to my claims.

 

This girl doesnt have the same luxury, shes shown she does not love him, the only positive thing shes shown is that she isnt that low of a person to actually marry this guy, or let him make a fool of himself by proposing. If she "loves" him its only because she's convinced herself she does, but it matters not because actions speak louder than words. Just like if i was trying to convince people my dog was a zebra. it surely would be hard to convince someone my dog is one when its barking, wagging its tail, lifting up one leg to pee, basically acting like what it truly is, rather than what I say it is. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck..then well..you know the rest

 

people who love people can screw up. that's not to say that all people who screw-up are still feeling love either. that's why there are circumstances to everything, conditions for every situation.

 

You dont accidently cheat many times, its a conscious decision. You are doing something that you know will break your bf, and even if thats not your intention, you KNOW it will happen and you still do it. This is equivalent to comparing cheating to a mistake, no, a mistake is leaving the oven on too long and burning the food, or not rewinding the tape before you return it to the store, cheating, especially multiple times, is no mistake, is no screw up.

 

whether she deserves another chance is certainly up to her boyfriend, as it would be up to you if you were in the same situation. she can't undo what she did; for her own state of mind, she is allowed to come clean of all this. her boyfriend's reaction is almost secondary.

 

Agreed, her bf can do what he wants, but one would question the emotional stability of someone who would not break up with someone for this type of behavior.

[PuppyDogEyes]

No doubt that since there hasn't been a post in a while, she's most likely telling him what he needs to know now.

 

I feel for you, Blather. I do believe that you love this guy - but at the same time, you're doing the right thing by telling him. It's probably the hardest thing that you'll ever have to do in your life, but at least you're owning up to the fact that you've made a mistake.

 

But don't compound the mistake by not getting counseling - because if this is a well-established pattern of behavior, it'll only happen again and again until you see someone about it.

 

I hope that things work out for you. It may end, yes - but if by some miracle it doesn't, please see someone. If it doesn't help to fix the relationship, at least it'll be a step toward your feeling better.

 

P.S. In some respects, I agree that you need to tell him mostly everything that he wants to know, as in dates, times, places, etc. But I think I'd bristle too if I were asked a question like, 'How many times did you have an orgasm with him'.... that's just unnecessary.

 

-pde.

[blind_otter]

Im gonna call some more BS- Where did i say dirty slut? or imply it?

 

I'm not going to point out exactly where you implied it, that is such a guy-thing-in-argument to do, and yes you did imply that. but your posts aren't really helpful.

 

- you said "You love this guy the same way those little kids who torture hamsters love their pets" -- implied insult

- you stated multiple times that she does not love her BF

- then you go on to state an implied insult against her BF if he makes a choice you don't agree with

 

I call BS. Not everyone is like you, not everyone loves the same way or thinks the same way. No one has the right to comment on her level of love, but herself, and her BF. Other than that you're working with scraps, Inspector Gadget.

 

Your posts weren't helpful. They were along the lines of "shut up you don't love your boyfriend you're a bad person". Well, thanks for stating the obvious but really, what does that do?

 

It just makes you look like you have a chip on your shoulder from being cheated on yourself, and you're taking out your anger on this person who is completely unrelated to your situation.

 

What purpose does your post serve? Does it offer advice? Give direction? Offer support? Give suggestions?

[MarnieGirl]

Actions speak louder than words. She does not love this man. Now, she herself may THINK she loves him, but that does not make it so.

 

You dont accidently cheat many times, its a conscious decision.

 

 

i never said she accidentally did anything. i don't think it's an accident. i think she *****ed up. that means did some things wrong, it doesn't indicate accidental anything.

 

but you're taking what you think and feel and applying it to someone else's situation. that's not wrong, in fact, it's normal, but some people don't think like you do, and so it's not the same. you seem a little bitter about this, and i'm not faulting you for it because that sucks if it happened to you, but it can also cloud your judgment. all cheaters are different, all victims are different.

 

we can suggest, we can name-call, we can demand, we can support. but we cannot get inside someone else's head and know them.

 

what about someone who cheated on someone, never told them, and they have been married for ten years after the fact? does that mean there is no love? why would you stay with someone for ten years if you didn't? there are different rules for everything and everyone.

 

there are some really smart people out there who don't test well. it doesn't mean they aren't smart just because they don't show it in testing. it also doesn't mean they should pass the test just because they really are smart despite of the test score, but it doesn't negate that the intelligence is there anyway.

[MarnieGirl]

 

 

- you said "You love this guy the same way those little kids who torture hamsters love their pets" -- implied insult

 

 

i found this an odd ananlogy.

 

i might add that the hampsters know that they're being tortured, it's not being kept from them to spare their feelings. and they also have fewer options of getting out of a bad situation.

[Blather1213]

oh my god, i i don't know if i even can even see while i type this i'm crying so hard. he's gone. i don't know where he went. he told me that a few times he wondered about me and what i was doing, but that he never relly entertained the thought because he knew i could never do it. i don't know how to make him understand and i guess i can't. i feel like an alcoholic apologizing for my behavior and not stopping it.

 

i don't know what to do. i don't know is he's coming back. he left after telling me he cheated on me too, and that he was going to find her. and i couldn't make him tell me who. but i think he's just trying to get to me. i really don't think he did it.

 

he said he had a ring for me and was going to return it. he just bought it a few weeks ago. i thought he was just trying to make me feel worse again, but he showed it to me. it was beautiful and i love him and i want it and i hate myself. i know i still don't deserve him.

 

he said so many ugly things, i never thought i would hear him say these things. i guess he never thought i would do those things. but i understand he's angry. maybe he'll come around. yes, he will. i know he will. we're stronger and bigger than this and he is going to call me later and we are going to talk and it's not going to all be figured out in one night and i know that. he's just angry now. he has to understand. i won't do it anymore. i learned. i want a second chance and i am going to get it. i love him and no one can tell me i don't.

 

he asked so many questions, such disgusting things. i am glad i held my ground and didn't answer them. i know he doesn't really want the answers, he just wants to hurt me.

[blind_otter]

It's harder to face the truth than keep running but it will get better. I am sorry that this was difficult but I think you took the right step when you told him what was up. You can be the better person you want to be.

[Blather1213]

It's harder to face the truth than keep running but it will get better. I am sorry that this was difficult but I think you took the right step when you told him what was up. You can be the better person you want to be.

 

thankyou. it still feels like i did the wrong thing though. i think everything i could do is wrong. i don't think anything right can come out of this. i feel so sick to my stomach. i think i feel sicker than he does. i can't believe i did this. everything is just falling apart. has fallen apart.